A New Adventure
Originally published on Fluffy Booru, Nov 2015
It was almost noon when I finally woke up and wandered my way to my couch feeling lethargic and depressed, being unemployed and having nothing to do was no longer fun. I felt like my life was without a purpose.
Another useless day, I thought to myself as I lazily reached for the television remote. Then I heard a noise coming from the backyard. “No, please no,” I moaned as I stood up to look out the window. “Ugggdg…” My hand practically flew to my face. It was another feral herd of fluffys.
There were seven adult fluffy ponies of a wide range of colors waddling around my yard as they hungrily ate my grass and landscaping. Three large males, two earth and one with a broken horn, two mares with foals, one normal looking mare with wings and bright purple mare that looked pregnant enough to pop. The only thing that popped out of it though was a stream of shit as it scrunched its chubby face.
I’d dealt with a small herd before. I have to admit, it was sort of fun shooting them from a distance one by one and watching the sad fluff balls try to run away from a threat that they couldn’t even find, but I hated having to clean up afterwards and that herd was smaller than this one. It’s not like I had much else to do today but I really didn’t want to deal with the mess. “Maybe I can get them to leave,” I mumbled as I slowly opened the back door and stepped out into the sun, still dressed in what I had slept in.
My presence was greeted by some gasps and the sound of a mumma consoling her frightened foals. “No wook at hoomin monsteh babbehs and he no find you.” Now it was only a moment of time before the smar—
“Dummeh hoomin! Diss is smawty wand noaw! Wisten ta smawty or get worstest hurwties!”
They always introduce themselves, I thought, looking down at the big blue unicorn smarty with half a horn and his cheeks puffed out in a pathetic attempt to look bigger. It was actually sort of adorable and really pretty comical. I let out a small laugh then looked around at the herd, all cowering except for the smarty who stood unfazed.
I could crush them all with my bare hands, I thought to myself calmly, but then my mind turned back to the memories of having to clean up the mess. I didn’t entirely enjoy killing something that could cry out for mercy in English though either. So I stopped slouching and spread my shoulders, rising nearly another foot above the smarty below.
“Do wa smawty wan or get biggest hurties!” the smarty demanded again as he took a tiny step back. This surprised me, this isn’t entirely normal smarty behavior. Then I noticed a faint, but clearly HasBio brand sorry stick scar on the side of his face; it all became clear. He knew what humans are capable of and that his intimidation attempt wasn’t working. I could probably scare them off my lawn right now and be done with it but something happened in my brain. A crazy idea entered my head, something different…
“Ok,” I coolly replied as I sat down in front of the smarty and leaned over to get closer to his level. “What do you want me to do?”
The smarty’s eyes widened. “Hoomin no hurt fwuffys, do wa smawty wan?”
“Yep. I want to join your herd”
“Wiwwy?” The smarty, clearly confused, sounded like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing but then cries of “Smawty am bestest smawty!” began to rise up from the watching crowd and some of them began to hug each other in relief.
I looked at the smarty and smiled, then regretted it. His look of confusion slowly changed into a glare of distrust. Oops.
“How can a hoomin be in fwuffy herwd?”
“I can be a fluffy if you want me to be.” A smarty can’t argue with that logic, I laughed to myself. I could practically see him thinking hard until finally he answered.
“If hoomin really wan be in herwd then hoomin haf ta pwoov it. Help herwd get wots of gwass numies before dawk time and bwing dem ta safe pwase.”
“Really that’s it?” I was taken aback by the lack of demands for ‘sketti’ or for my house.
“Do it NOAW!” Stepping forward, the smarty booped me on the nose with one of his soft hoofs. It didn’t hurt at all and I wanted to see how far I could take this so I played along and let the smarties little show of dominance over me slide. So I immediately pulled back as if I had been badly hurt and began pulling up handfuls of grass. The smarty’s face began to practically glow with pride and awe as he watched me pick grass from my lawn. I wasn’t working fast at all but still each handful was probably equivalent to an hour of work for a fluffy. The whole herd had gathered around to watch.
Then I pulled up two big handfuls of grass at the same time, fake grunting and gritting my teeth to put on a show. As the grass ripped away from the ground my audience’s mouths dropped, I heard shouts and the smarty began to rapidly look from side to side with his mouth hanging open in a sort of ‘DID YOU JUST SEE THAT!!!’ sort of way. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing any longer, this was just too good. Their next reaction was almost just as priceless.
I began to hear concerned cries of “No hurty wawas,” “nuff grassies!” and “hoomin need huggies!” Do they really think I’m crying, I wondered. Yeah… yeah, they do.
Before I knew what was happening I had all seven fluffs huddled around me begging me to stop working so hard and consoling me. A few hugged my sides or legs as a big grey toughie put his front legs up on my knee to get up close to my face and in a genuinely concerned voice let me know that it was ok for me to stop picking grass. It was adorably hilarious.
My eyes turned to the smarty who was standing back a little and discussing fluffy politics with most of the herd now cuddled around him and the dark red toughie seemed to be arguing my case. “Hoomin pwove that he really wan be in herd. Pick gwassies till have worstest hurwties.”
“Wif hoomin in hurwd no more have tummy hurwties,” added a pink mare with three foals riding on her back.
The smarty was nodding in agreement. I could tell that he was holding back some of his excitement. Then he stamped his little feet on the ground and his herd grew silent to hear his royal decree.
“Smawty will wet hoomin join hurwd! Hoomin is gwassy fwriend naow!”
I chuckled at them as cheers of joy erupted from the herd of fluffies, and they all circled around and started taking turns hugging random parts of my body and fighting over who got to show me their babies.
Well, this is going much better than expected.