"A Science Of Uncertainty And An Art Of Probability" by NobodyAtAll

Warning: spoilers for the Carnage Saga.


A couple of days after the Maximum Carnage crisis, Dr. Erwin Stahlberg arrives at the Faucheuse Foundation, in the city so many of the ChaotiX call home.

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On one of his shoulders, there’s a mass of silver slime.

Following the battle in San Francisco, Erwin has been working with the doctors at that branch of the Foundation, examining all of the fluffies who had been infected by the Carnage Klyntar.

Fortunately, those fluffies have a clean bill of health, completely Klyntar-free. Any of the fluffies who were purged of the infection before Carnage recalled his forces to Oracle Park can easily have the codices left in their bodies purged too, by passing through an anti-Klyntar force field, designed to disintegrate anything with Klyntar DNA, while leaving anything else, such as a Klyntar’s host, entirely unharmed.

There’s another way to remove a codex, but it’s very gruesome.

Before entering the building, Erwin looks across the street, seeing a black Pontiac Aztek driving past.

He waves at the driver, an average man in an ugly sweater, and the driver begrudgingly waves back.

They’ll be running into each other again later in the day.

At this point in time, a certain shark-like someone is still en route to the small town near Blueberry’s Forest, where, upon checking in at the motel, he’ll be making a very important phone call.

The sad thing is, Ugly Sweater Guy is actually in a pretty good mood right now, all things considered.

He’s less from a week away from having a big bombshell dropped on him.

As Erwin heads into the lobby, the silver slime on his shoulder oozes to the ground, forming itself into a nondescript silver humanoid, walking alongside Erwin.

“This is where I usually work, Argyrum. You know, when I’m not doing ChaotiX stuff.”

Argyrum nods, silver letters forming on their blank face.

I KNOW. I SPIED ON YOU HERE ONCE. I BRIEFLY MISTOOK YOU FOR… THE ASSHOLE.

They’ve learned a lot about punctuation, but are still learning about lower case letters.

Once Erwin’s read the whole thing, the letters fade away.

The Nerd Squad is still working on an easier way for Argyrum to communicate with people who aren’t made of metal. Argyrum’s race, the Hig, of which Argyrum is possibly the sole surviving member, communicate in a way that organic beings simply can’t comprehend, but mechanical beings such as robots and Mechamen can understand a Hig just fine.

Yes, there’s a difference. Don’t call a Mechaman a robot, they react as poorly as the average black person being called a monkey.

So Minerva, working behind the counter, can understand Argyrum too, but for most people, Argyrum has to improvise ways to get their point across.

“The Super Hoskins Brothers and Yoshi are waiting for you outside the examination room, Doctor.”

“Thank you, Minerva, I saw their van parked outside. I’ll see them right away.”


Erwin leads Argyrum to his trusty examination room, where so many fluffies have been diagnosed and/or treated.

Across from the examination room, there’s a waiting room, the door open, large windows displaying the inside.

On a couch, the Super Hoskins Brothers, Lou and Tony, are seated, watching their fluffy Yoshi play with some blocks.

The brothers are wearing new badges on their overalls, alongside their ChaotiX badges. The new badges are yellow, and star-shaped.

Across from the door, there’s more windows, giving a superb view of an outdoor play area, surrounded by the Foundation on all sides. Cleo and Julius can be seen playing huggy tag with Del and Phyllis, and Gilda can be seen keeping an eye on the fluffies playing outside.

“Gentlemen. I’ll be seeing you now.”

“We haven’t been waiting for long.”

“Come on, Yoshi.”

“Otay, uncuw Tonee.”

The brothers and their fluffy get up, following Erwin and Argyrum across the hallway, into the examination room.

“So, uh, what’s Argyrum doing here?”

“I’m showing them what I do at work, Lou.”

Letters appear on Argyrum’s face again.

WHAT, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

Lou laughs.

“Nah, you look pretty sterile to me.

So does Tony.

“I didn’t know you were so sassy, Argyrum.”

Erwin gestures at the Stahlskanner.

“Let’s get Yoshi on the scanner, then.”

Lou picks Yoshi up, taking a moment to affectionately ruffle his mane before putting him on the Stahlskanner, Argyrum watching curiously.

ping!

“Looks like he’s healthy as ever, gentlemen.”

Tony grins, watching Argyrum carefully poke the Stahlskanner like it might explode. Which it won’t, relax.

“Hey, we take good care of Yoshi. Sure, he sleeps in Lou’s room 'cause we don’t have space for a saferoom, but we fluffy-proofed the apartment, and he’s X-Positive, so he’s hardier than most fluffies.”

“Yoh-shee am kinna sad dat Yoh-shee nu gut tu gu tu San Fwan-sis-koh tuu.”

Lou shudders.

“Yosh, you didn’t want to be there, trust me. Not then. But we’ll take you there when they’re done with the cleanup.”

“Otay, daddeh.”

Tony nods sagely.

“We didn’t want that Carnage crap to get on you, buddy.”

“Yeah, I mean, we never go into battle without a firebloom stash, but… well, it wouldn’t have been fun for any of us.”

Erwin eyes the new badges.

“You know, I’m surprised that you’d be wearing the S.T.A.R. Badges on a normal day, gentlemen.”

That’s short for Supercharged Tactical Attack Reflector.

Lou shrugs.

“We’ve quickly learned that an impenetrable force field comes in handy when a septic tank backfires and the shit starts flying.

Tony twiddles his mustache.

“It doesn’t last long, but thirty seconds of invincibility isn’t bad. I don’t think Cal could penetrate it.”

“Yeah, too bad one use drains the batteries completely. But that’s the trade-off, Tony Toni Toné.”

“Man, it was scary when those force fields crapped out. Good thing we had our High-Jump Boots on, or we would have been in trouble.”

“First jumping really high, then throwing fireballs, then wearing gloves that make us strong enough to break bricks with our fists, and now becoming temporarily invincible with these babies. Whaddya think we’ll be doing next, Tone?”

“I dunno, Lou. Growing to giant size, maybe?”

“Amee da Ant-Woo-man can shwink. Mebbeh she can make sumfin dat wud wet daddeh an uncuw Tonee gwo weawwy big?”

“…Okay, let’s not get too crazy…”


With Yoshi being healthy as a… horse… the Super Hoskins Brothers and their fluffy leave, Argyrum happily waving goodbye.

Once they’re gone, Erwin presses a button on his COMP, summoning the mechanical arms to disinfect everything Yoshi touched.

As one of the arms sprays a misty cloud of disinfectant in Argyrum’s direction, they walk through it like it’s perfume.

Ten minutes later, Erwin receives his next patient.

Calvin and Marley bring in another badly bruised, unconscious, pregnant mare, and the Omegas’ eyes are glowing red again.

“Another underground breeder, Cal?”

“Yup. Fortunately, the father of the foals isn’t also their uncle this time.”

“Well, let’s see how the foals are doing.”

As much as seeing Calvin smirking scares abusers, seeing him not smirking, his eyes literally burning with fury, scares abusers even more.

With the former, there’s a higher chance that the abusers will merely be humiliated, and with the latter, there’s a higher chance that the abusers will have seven shades of shit beaten out of them.

Of course, Calvin usually heals the injuries before handing the abusers over to the authorities.

He’s still a good man.

However, if Calvin was so inclined, he could subject an abuser to an endless loop of being beaten within an inch of their life and healed to full health.

But, again, he’s too good to do that.

At least, not to an abuser. As vile as abusers can be, one would have to be irredeemable to deserve something like that.

Calvin hasn’t ruled out the possibility of having Necrosis undergo a loop of death and regeneration, once the incompetent, decapitated lich finally reveals where his phylactery is.

If Dehak’s phylactery is found, Calvin is definitely doing that.

You can’t say that he doesn’t deserve it…

As Calvin walks over to the Stahlskanner, Argyrum waves at him, a tad nervously.

HI, CAL.

“Hi, Argyrum. Normally, we’d love to chat, but…”

“We am in nu mood.”

“Let’s deal with this first.”

Calvin places the mare on the scanner.

ping!

Erwin smiles sadly.

“Despite her pitiful state, she’s alive, and the foals are alive too, so there’s that. We won’t be able to put her in a vat while she’s pregnant, so I’ll have someone rouse her and treat her bruises.”

As he taps on his COMP, he notices Calvin grinding his teeth.

“We’ll keep tabs on the pregnancy, Cal. Hopefully, both mother and foals will be happy and healthy. They’ll be safe here, gentlemen. What did you do to the perpetrator?”

Calvin and Marley exhale, their eyes fading back to their usual respective blue and orange.

“Y’know, I was this close to using my new light trick on him, but I’m not gonna waste the grand debut on a piece of shit like that. We’ve got Danny and Ghost watching him until the cops arrive. Danny phased the asshole halfway through his living room floor, so he ain’t going nowhere.

“Yu fink Ghost can du dat soopah gost-wee waiw tuu?”

After the ghostly duo developed the power to harness ectoplasmic energy, henceforth dubbed ectokinesis, Danny accidentally discovered a way to supercharge his ghostly wail during the battle in San Francisco.

“I’m not sure, Mar. You saw how much using it drained Danny. But they’re still working on that, so I guess we’ll see.”

“Dewe am a wotta mebbehs wite nao.”

Mark wheels a cart in, Merry following him in.

As Mark carefully transports the mare onto the cart, Merry mutters in Dwarfish.

It’s mostly comments about the mare’s condition, interspersed with profanities directed at the mare’s former owner.

And as Mark and Merry wheel the mare out to be treated, Erwin summons the mechanical arms once more.

“It seems like every abuser and their grandmother wants to start the next Syndicate, Cal.”

“Ha! Yeah, but none of them have the resources Vanessa did.”

“Mawwey nu wan fink abowt how much awwih-moh-nee Piewwe wuz koffin up fow hew.”

“She was just another leech, Mar. Entirely dependent on others to get anything done, and offering nothing of value in return.”

“Ess-ept a wotta muh-nees.”

“Yeah, but unlike Pierre, Vanessa was a terrible boss, so the only people who would actually want to work for her are people who are only in it for their own gain. Not out of loyalty. And if you can offer them a better deal…”

Argyrum nods, face letters appearing again.

I ONLY HELPED HER ON THE SNOWFLAKE BECAUSE GOOROO PROMISED TO HELP ME FIND ANY OTHERS OF MY KIND IN EXCHANGE.

“Mawwey am stiww weawn-in tu weed, sumwun am gunna haf tu weed dat fow Mawwey.”

After Calvin repeats Argyrum’s statement for Marley, the letters fade.

“That’s still a work in progress, huh?”

Traurigerweise, ja. But we’ve got all of Hans’ notes from his studies of Argyrum’s biology, when he was regenerating Argyrum. Hans was learning a lot as he went along.”

At the mention of Hans’ name, Argyrum starts spelling swear words.

Then they split some of their mass off, forming it into a silver Hans, which Argyrum strangles for a few seconds before reabsorbing it.

Calvin laughs.

“Hilarious. Sorry about incinerating you twice, by the way.”

IT’S ALRIGHT, CAL. YOU WERE JUST DEFENDING YOURSELF. AND IT DIDN’T STICK.

Erwin chuckles.

“And your anger towards my great-uncle is understandable. But we’ve gone out of our way to prevent him from resurrecting again.

“Honestly, I was expecting Dehak to wish him back too. It just feels like those two were supposed to be working together. Hans used to work for Umbra, after all. And sometimes, I can’t shake the notion that Umbra was filling a void that Dehak was supposed to fill. I always figured that Umbra was my archnemesis, but now… anyway, the point is, I’m still wondering why they didn’t wish Hans back too. If not him, then Bertie.”

“Dewe am a con-fwict of in-twest dewe, daddeh.”

“I dunno about that, Mar. I mean, Hans wanted to replace all life with mechanical life of his own design. Would Dehak be on board with that? Or would he prefer his subjects to be organic? As for Bertie, well, his motivation could be summed up in three words: Oedipus complex ahoy!

“Ow mebbeh jus fuk yu, daddeh!

“Ha! I dunno if Bertie would have gone full Oedipus…”

Erwin, Argyrum, Calvin and Marley all take a moment to retch at the very idea.

Argyrum pretends to puke, spewing some of their silver mass onto the floor, then reabsorbing it.

They thought that Hans and Vanessa’s short-lived relationship was bad enough.

For the record…

It was about spiting Pierre for both of them.


As Calvin and Marley leave, Erwin waits for his next patient, and Argyrum calms themself down.

Being a Hig, Argyrum doesn’t really get the whole concept of gender. For a long time, they mistakenly believed that breasts were some kind of tumors.

And you don’t want to know what they thought penises are used for.

Argyrum feels like their own race’s method of reproduction is so much easier, in comparison.

The point is, while they’ve mimicked the forms of people of a wide variety of genders, they don’t really identify with any of those genders, and don’t really care what pronouns they’re addressed with.

They’re still learning about pronouns, too.

Cream and Cheese are brought in by their owner, a kindly rich woman whose husband is big in, well, the cream cheese business.

The duo is just here for a routine check-up.

Erwin beams when he sees the duo waddle in after their owner. They were living at the Foundation for quite a while before they were adopted.

“Well, isn’t this a pleasant surprise! Hello, liebe Mädchen.

Cream and Cheese’s tails are wagging like a dog’s, just as pleased to see Erwin.

“Hewwo, dok-tow!”

“Cheese haf bin gud fow mummah an daddeh!”

Their owner eyes Argyrum curiously.

“Who’s your friend, Doctor?”

Argyrum waves, this time a tad bashfully.

HI THERE. MY NAME’S ARGYRUM.

“Argyrum here is a Hig, madam. And may be the last member of their kind, so the ChaotiX has taken responsibility for them.”

IT’S A REALLY LONG STORY.

Cream and Cheese’s owner offers Argyrum a handshake.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, my good ma… wo… Hig.

Argyrum accepts it.

CHARMED.

“So, you can’t talk?”

OH, I CAN TALK. BUT YOU SOLIDS CAN’T UNDERSTAND MY KIND’S NATIVE METHOD OF COMMUNICATION. I’VE HAD TO DO A LOT OF PANTOMIMING.

“I’ve heard that the mayor hates mimes, so don’t let him catch you doing that.”

I AM AWARE OF MAYOR LOGAN’S OPINION ON MIMES, THANK YOU.

“Poor dear. It must be hard, not being able to just say what you want to say.”

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

Erwin smiles reassuringly.

“We’re working on an easier way for Argyrum to communicate with us, madam. Alright, who wants to go first this time?”

“Cheese went fiwst wast time, so Cheese am gunna wet Cweem gu fiwst nao.”

“As you wish.”

Cream is lifted onto the Stahlskanner first.

ping!

“No bruises again, I see.”

“Cweem am mowe cawe-fuw nao.”

And then, after Erwin puts Cheese on the table so she can watch, Cheese takes her turn.

ping!

“Well, looks like you’re both in good health. I’ll prescribe two skettie treats, for being such well-behaved patients.”

As Erwin grabs two treats from the jar and unwraps them for the fluffies, their owner grins.

“Doctor, you go to Starbucks a lot, don’t you?”

Ja, and I am aware who is working there now. I saw where you were going with this from light years away, madam. I dare say that he’ll be seeing me again soon. You know, he’s doing a good job, but I miss the days when the line wasn’t so long. I wish he had gotten a job at Subway instead. I’ve never liked their subs, and he wouldn’t be the worst person who ever worked for Subway.”

“So you’ve met him? He doesn’t seem so bad.”

Naturally, like most people in town who aren’t in the ChaotiX, Cream and Cheese’s owner doesn’t know that certain someone’s full story.

“It’s not that I don’t like him, madam, but people are flocking to Starbucks in droves to see him, and his ingenious idea to give free fluffy toys away with the drinks only encourages them. Few can resist the siren’s song of free stuff. And yes, we’ve met. He brought Electra here for an examination and a long bath the day he adopted her. You won’t believe this, but she was so filthy when he found her, he didn’t know what her real colors are until after Mark helped him bathe her.”

“My, he must have been surprised.”

“Surprised is an understatement, madam.”


As Cream and Cheese depart with their owner, Erwin and Argyrum depart too, leaving the mechanical arms to do their work during Erwin’s coffee break.

The assassin known as Mr. Coffeebreak is still unaccounted for.

Argyrum doesn’t really eat or drink anything sold at Starbucks, but they’re tagging along mostly out of curiosity.

And as the duo arrives, sure enough, there’s a long line, and most of the customers in line have fluffies with them.

At the end of the line, Ugly Sweater Guy can be seen behind the counter, wearing the green Starbucks apron over his eponymous ugly sweater and giving Erwin an apologetic look.

Then Ugly Sweater Guy notices Argyrum, and his eyes widen.

“Oh fu-- fudge, not another Klyntar! Why is that one silver?

He tries to watch his language on the clock.

Erwin waves at Ugly Sweater Guy as he and Argyrum join the line.

“This isn’t a Klyntar! But let’s save that explanation for after your shift.”

“You’re right! Alright, ma’am, here’s your Frappuccino, and take your pick of the toys. I suggest one of the Korkea plushes. Just so I don’t have to look at them.

One exceedingly long wait later, Erwin finally reaches the counter.

Argyrum watched with curiosity, as Ugly Sweater Guy gave toys away to every customer with a fluffy. There’s a shopping bag full of fluffy toys behind the counter.

Erwin had to explain that this doesn’t happen at every Starbucks.

And by the time the two reach the counter, Argyrum has shifted into the shape of a silver fluffy.

Ugly Sweater Guy finds himself chuckling at the audacity.

“Nice try, but I don’t think you’re actually a fluffy, so if I give you a toy, it probably doesn’t count.”

Argyrum reverts to nondescript humanoid form, folding their arms grumpily.

IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.

“Alright, let’s see if I can remember… latte with steamed Austrian goat milk, right?”

Ja, you remembered correctly.”

“You’re in here at least a couple of times a day, Doc. And it’s such an unusual order, I couldn’t help but remember it.”

“That makes sense. So how’s Electra doing?”

“She’s settling in nicely. Everyone at the hotel treats her like a movie star. If it wasn’t for this thing…”

Ugly Sweater Guy tugs on the sweater.

“I don’t think anyone would notice me, even if I was standing right next to her. But enough chitchat, there’s more people joining the line. Lemme just ring you up…”


Erwin exits the Starbucks, his coffee in one hand, a donut in the other.

He takes a bite of his donut, chews and swallows.

“What do you make of him, Argyrum?”

Argyrum shrugs, strolling by Erwin’s side.

HE’S KIND OF A JERK.

“Is he the biggest jerk you’ve ever met?”

Then Argyrum quickly shakes their head.

NO. NOT BY A LONG SHOT. YOU DON’T NEED TO BE TOLD WHO WAS, YOU ALREADY KNOW.

Erwin smiles smugly as he sips his coffee.

Und da haben Sie es. Mind you, Ugly Sweater Guy is not as bad as he was when he first came to town. He’s on the right track.”

But unbeknownst to Ugly Sweater Guy, his biggest challenge so far is driving his way as we speak.

A sonic cannon won’t help him with this one.

As Erwin and Argyrum return to the parking lot, they see a young woman frantically getting out of her car, opening the passenger seat door, a cobalt blue unicorn stallion in a carrier riding shotgun.

“Doc, you gotta help me, my fluffy’s pooping blue!

The blue stallion seems to be entirely unconcerned by this.

“Wut am da big deaw, mummah? Dem poopies am pwetty nao. An Cobawt am bwue.”

Clearly, Cobalt’s owner is one of those people who can’t name for beans.

“Yes, but your poop isn’t supposed to be blue, Cobalt!”

“Miss, please calm yourself, I think I can get to the bottom of this. Have you taken Cobalt to Lumix recently?”

“No…”

“Do you happen to bake a lot?”

“…Yeah…”

“Then he probably got into the food dye, but it never hurts to be sure. Let me finish these and I’ll take a look at Cobalt.”

The woman calms down a bit.

“You’ve seen that before, then?”

As Erwin patiently waits for her, finishing his donut and coffee, he chuckles, remembering a patient he treated around the time he adopted Hershey.

She’s at home, Kirk keeping an eye on her and Asimov.

It’s an unusual household. Hershey’s the only normal one living there.

“If I had a nickel for every time I’ve seen a fluffy pooping blue, I’d have two nickels.”

Argyrum shrugs.

WHICH ISN’T A LOT, BUT IT’S WEIRD THAT IT HAPPENED TWICE.

The women lifts the carrier out of the car.

“So… are you gonna tell me who that silver guy is? Is that Mr. Korkea in his new suit?”

NO, YOU JUST MISSED HIM. I WAS FLATTERED WHEN I SAW THAT THING’S DEFAULT STATE, THOUGH. TWINSIES!

“This is Argyrum, a Hig. Don’t mind them, they’re friendly. I’ll explain on the way.”

As Cobalt and his owner follow Erwin and Argyrum inside, Danny and Ghost fly over the Foundation.

That abuser they busted with Calvin and Marley is on his way to a jail cell.

Strangely, both Danny’s legs and Ghost’s back legs seem to have been replaced by tails of green mist.

That’s new too.

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