Professor Hugh Mann stood under the harsh overhead lights of the vast classroom, the roman forum-style room surrounded on all sides by a sea of curious faces watching in anticipation for the live demonstration.
“The classic fluffy pony, a biomechanical chimera designed to appeal to a niche market of children based around a dying tv-show fighting for one last gasp at relevancy…”
with a flourish, Dr. Mann ripped the white sheet from the table before him, revealing 3 bound shitrats strapped to the table with belts. The first was a classic white house pegasus, the second a squatter, thicker outside fluffy was a moss-colored earthie , and the 3rd was an indoor aqua blue alicorn.
“now…” Dr Mann began as he brought a mortar n pestle out from under the table along with a small plastic box. " We all know fluffies have an innate fear of water, can anyone tell me why?" Looking around at the sea of faces, he was delighted to see a single hand raised by a small girl with black hair in the first row. “Is it due to their short snouts, short legs, and lack of an epiglottis?”
Smiling, Dr Mann nodded at the girl before opening the plastic container and setting a few things in front of the restrained & muzzled fluffies. “While you are indeed correct, fluffies cannot breathe and drink at the same time due to the lack of cartilage along the roof of the mouth known as the epiglottis…” taking out a bag of preserved fluffy bones, a folded paper bag, and a small box of valentines mints. “…This may be the widely accepted reason for their engrained hydrophobia, however it is not the primary cause. Today, I hope to show you all the true reason for the classic fear of water”
Lastly, the doctor brought out 4 shallow plastic tubs , filled them with 3 inches of warm water. Taking each struggling fluff by their mane, Dr. Mann lowered them into the water as they thrashed and cried through their restraints before lowering the paper bag into the fourth tub.
“Fluffies were by design, made to give under any type of external force.” He continued as the doctor opened the box of heart-shaped chalk mints and shook a handful into the first pestle. “A liability of course, even a newborn should be able to defend itself against a shitrat if the moment calls for it” taking 2 dried bones from the plastic bag, he snapped them into 3rds before dropping it into the second pestle.
The fluffies in the tubs began vocalizing through their muzzles at the bone snapping, being completely ignored as the doctor began grinding up the mints." How does one make a creature that can support its own weight, but gives under pressure? To make a long story short, sugar."
Pouring a small amount of water into the pulverized mints, the doctor began grinding the bones next before adding water as well and loading a pipette of each onto clean microscope slides. “Now as you can see here…” He continued, focusing in on the crushed candy. “…The sugar molecules bond together at a microscopic level, and the water eats right through those connections”. Swapping to the slide of powdered bone, aside from the artificial coloring the slides were exactly the same.
“The body of a fluffy uses the concentrated sugar content in a mares milk to replace the cartilage of a foal with sugar molecules. The same process that makes fossils, hijacked and sped up tenfold” With a smile, the doctor moved over to the four tubs of water.
“This brings us to the hide of the fluffy, it also uses a mix of sugar and bio-signals to grow the long cotton-candy like fluff we’re all accustomed to. Just enough keratin to not fall apart under stress” Picking up the soaked paper bag, he began peeling it into pieces while he spoke. “These fibers arent invincible however, much like this paper bag all it takes is a little water to start weakening the chains”
Reaching towards the pegasus, it tried to shy away from his hand, pressing against the opposite wall of the tub and clamping its eyes shut tightly as Dr. Mann reached under the water. “Now, the pegasus has the weakest bonds…” With hardly any pressure, the doctor grabbed a tuft of the wet fur between a thumb and forefinger. Cleanly ripping a 2" thick strip of skin from the pegasus from its right flank, around to its chest.
Thrashing wildly, the pegasus tried to scream through the muzzle as Dr. Mann placed the flap of skin on the table in front of the tub. “Note the clean edges of the tear, how the strands failed causing the skin to preforate along pre-determined points”. Next, moving to the outside earthie he took a firm grip of the same patch of fur, “with these outside fluffies, the keratin concentration in their fur and skin is much higher than your standard indoor shitrat. making the process more difficult, however it IS still a fluffy”
With visible effort, the skin came away in a messy rip, spraying blood on the front of Dr. Manns coat and on his safety goggles as the earthie explosively voided its bowels into the tub. “God fucki- well, as you can see it still gave way, just much less easily”. Breathing heavily, he placed the ragged strip of flesh in front of the bin with the dead fluffy floating in the mess it’d made. “Note the stress tears, the keratin gave before the strands did” with a deep breath and a quick wardrobe change, he approached the final tub with the alicorn inside.
Eyes wide as saucers, the alicorn stared him down silently as he approached before closing its eyes tightly when he grasped it in the same spot. “That brings us to the final example, the alicorn. The ‘perfect fluffy’”. Looking around, the professor made sure all eyes were on him before continuing. “Highest level of keratin found in a fluffy pony, also the highest brain development. Skin does not give in to permeation, but the engrained fear still remains”
With a sharp tug, the fur ripped out causing the fluffy to shriek and thrash against its restraints. “FInally, the skin wont become compromised due to water. Unfortunately, it still is a goddamn fluffy.” Putting a hand on the back of its head, the professor violently forced its head underwater and held it there as the fluffy thrashed and fought, ultimately succumbing to the water and shitting itself.
Letting go and shaking the water off of his hands, the professor clapped once, smiled, and bowed to the room. "Thank you for your time, and class is dismissed.