EARLY FAILURES IN FLUFF TV
“Sir, as expected, Fluffies are a huge hit, however, we’re hearing reports of many fluffies not realizing which animals are friends and which are dangerous.”
“Truthfully, few animals are really friend to the fluffy — but all right, understood, what do you propose we do about it?”
And so, one of the forgotten failures of FluffTV started. If you ask most fluffy owners about “Animals,” they’ll look at you with a quizzical expression. Some will ask if it’s a “Babies!” spin-off.
Even many abusers don’t remember “Animals,” as it aired too soon in Fluffy history for the now-prevalent abuse forums to really pick up on.
But once in a while, you’ll get either a chuckle of remembrance or a look of horror from old-school Fluffy enthusiasts depending on what side of the fence they fall on.
The launch of “Animals” was highly advertised on the nascent Fluff TV. The show was plugged during every program — “Weggies!” showed an eyecatch of different animal legs across the bottom third of the screen. “Babies!” had bumpers showing baby animals. Even Brent Spiner slurred out a recommendation:
“Uh, you guys out there, my bosses want me to tell every fluffy to watch ‘Animals’! It’s apparently going to be really important or informative or something. Whatever, I don’t know what it is, don’t care what it is. Fuck it.”
And every fluffy owner — mostly rich people with more money than sense who threw every new fad at their children in hopes of finding that great love substitute that’d mean they never had to deal with the spoiled mewling wretches ever again — who happened to have Fluff TV, then a pay channel, gathered their fluffies around the TV and watched.
After a brightly colored title card: “ANIMALS!” came up a slide:
“CATS”
The picture showed a couple cats play fighting. Then, an off-key fluffy chorus started singing:
“KITTIES WILL EAT YOU! KITTIES WILL EAT YOU!! DON’T PLAY WITH KITTIES!! KITTIES WILL EAT YOU!!”
And with that the picture changed to a montage of cats and fluffies. Or, rather, cats doing what came natural — disemboweling, taunting, batting around, tearing fluffies apart — the works.
The song repeated for 3 minutes, until a new title card came up.
“RACCOONS”
And like before, a neutral shot of a raccoon filled the screen.
It was reported that some fluffies even went “aww, stwipey fwiend!” on this shot… until the chorus started up again.
“RACCOONS WILL FUCK YOU UP!! RACCOONS WILL FUCK YOU UP!!! STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM RACCOONS! THEY WILL FUCK YOU UP!!!”
And, of course, the screen showed raccoons fighting a number of fluffies. As you can imagine, the final score was Fluffies: 0, Raccoons: [Kill Screen]
Soon, the Raccoons segment ended and a new title card came up.
“HORSES”
By this point, anyone who hadn’t turned off the show in disgust to comfort their screaming, shitting fluffies had to have sighed in relief. Horses were friendly animals and even (as the lore then stated) were like Fluffy Grandparents!
“HORSES WILL STOMP YOU!!! HORSES WILL STOMP YOU!!! HORSES LIKE STOMPING!!! HORSES WILL STOMP YOU!!!”
The show carried on like this for an entire, uninterrupted hour, cycling through different animals every 3 minutes, each with the same pattern. Title card, cute neutral shot, fluffy carnage.
Unfortunately for Fluff TV, “Animals” was both widely watched and widely criticized. They had an unprecedented number of cancellations. There were even stories of fluffies who had had heart attacks from the sheer terror of watching “Animals.”
Other fluffies had terror-shat out their own organs. Legends circulated of one fluffy that even shat out its own ribcage. (This has never been confirmed, however.)
Fluff TV came very close to not recovering from the nearly fatal blow the “Animals” backlash dealt the fledgling network. The only thing that saved Fluff TV was the PETA release of fluffies; while fluffies themselves were nearly worthless, the market for toys blew up, as did the number of fluffy owners looking for an easy, cheap babysitter.
Fluff TV were able to parlay this into a slot on standard cable, subsidized by advertising, not subscriptions.
Unfortunately, it’s unknown if “Animals” survives — Fluff TV purged all record of the special from their own records. Fluff TV’s viewership in the early days was rather small — and the culture of fluffy abuse was small if existed at all at that time; fluffies were simply too expensive then to abuse willy-nilly. Any owners who happened to record “Animals” likely deleted the file upon seeing how traumatizing it was for their fluffies.
Still, “Animals” became a strange footnote in the history of Fluff TV, and a mostly forgotten one. Even though it was the first instance of the now-common Abuser Program one finds on YouTube and even Fluff TV in the overnight hours, very little about it survives.