Now that the war is here, thank God
For merciful close perspective, blocking out
Facades of peace which otherwise would dwarf
These stunted sandbag virtues by which we live-
For men must live by virtues, even when
Bombing the helpless innocents; even hearts
Pruned to the stump sprout virtues or else die!
In this diminished world we must acquire-
Although our small hearts ache, thin sinews crack-
Unplumbable courage, numb endurance,
Blind sacrifice, high skill in homicide.
God help us, peering close in Lilliput
At giants of seven inches, still to see
Only their pigmy splendor, their mouse magnificence.
-R. N. Currey
They called it the Horny-Herd Promise. The Horny Reich and the Many Sharing Herds Together promised they wouldnât fight each other, and instead turn their strength to the land between them.
Neighboring the Reich, in the direction of the rising sun, Poopland. Fuhrer Fluffdolf Hitler and Secretary Jofluff Stalin came to an agreement. They would fight one side, the Sharing Herds would fight the other. And so it was.
âDu it.â The Fuhrer told Brauchitsch as the morning sunlight began to peek over the forest.
The message was relayed to the Reichâs great army of tuffies. To Donitzâs army of Water-Tuffies occupying the creek that ran through the forest, and to Goringâs army of Tree-Tuffies, who scrambled through the branches above.
The Fuhrer turned to Himmler, sitting next to him. âGu wit dem, âou am in chawge ob gibing foeba sweepies tuâ aww poopie fwuffies in Poopiewand!â
Himmler stuck his hoof up. âYes, Fuhwew!â and went off.
The Fuhrer turned to Goebbels, sitting on the other side. âCaww aww dah odah fwuffies ob dah Weich! Hitwah am gonna makâ big tawkies!â
In Poopieland, life came to a halt. That patch of the forest was filled with all the poopie fluffies that had either run off during the creation of the Horny Reich, or simply needed a place where they werenât kicked around. But the kicking came.
In the direction the sun set, unicorns came charging up.
âFoâ dah Fuhwew!â They yelled, lowering their heads and ramming their horns into Poopielandâs strongest defenders. They were no match.
As the tuffies of Poopieland were being given the worst hurties of their lives, more came from the stream, and others dropped small rocks and acorns from the trees above.
Far away, Fluffdolf Hitler stepped onto his tree-stump pedestal.
âGud howny fwuffies ob dah Weich! Fuhwew Hitwah hab big saddies tu tell âou dat dah meanies ob Poopiewand hab giben us huwties!â
The crowd looked up to him, saddened by the news.
âSu Hitwah say datâ dah Howny Weich gib huwties bacc! Aww dah weichâs tuffies awe derâ nao! Gibing dah bad poopie fwuffies dah wowstest ob huwties! Dah Weich nu wiww be stoppies! SEIG HAIW!â
He lifted his hoof up, the others followed. All shouting âSEIG HAIW!â To their Smarty-Fuhrer.
All the best of Poopielandâs tuffies were broken in the first hours of the fight. Mares, their foals, and the others who couldnât fight hid where they could, hoping they would be spared.
When the tuffies of the Sharing Herds invaded from the other direction, they knew it was all over. All they could do was watch as the blue-coated, red-maned unicorn arrived. The one they called Himmler.
âWisten tu Himmwah aww fwuffies!â He yelled, âDis side obâ Poopiewand bewong tu dah Weich nao! Dah odah side bewong tu dah Many Shawing Fwuffies!â
He looked around to the scattered nests and dead and dying tuffies that littered the grass. âBwing aww dah poopie fwuffies hewe! Ib dey nu com, den gib huwties ow foweba sweepies!â
The Horny Tuffies did as told, grabbing all the hiding poopie-fluffies they could find. Those that didnât want to go were given sorry-hoofsies until they did.
In front of Himmler now was a large collection of scared brown fluffies. Stallions, mares, foals, all walks of fluffy life. He knew what he had to do, the Fuhrer willed it.
âFuhwew teww us dat aww poopie fwuffies am bad!â He said, âAnâ Fuhwew nebah wong! Fuhwew say dat aww poopie-fwuffies desewbe foweba sweepies!â
Himmler stepped forward to a crying mare and her foals. He picked up one of her foals with his teeth, swinging him away. Himmler went to it.
âChirp⌠chirpâŚâ
Himmler growled, and brought his hoof down.
âBABBEH!â
Himmler smashed at the foal until its chirps couldnât be herd. The mare ran to it, her remaining foals trailing behind.
ââOU GIB BABBEH FOWEBA SWEEPIES!â
Himmler gave her a sorry-hoof to the face. ââOu dummeh poopies! Awways steawing nummies anâ gibing huwties!â
He whacked her down more as the other tuffies watched. With rage in his eyes, he turned to the other foals, smashing them down in quick succession as the mare screamed.
âGIB AWW DAH POOPIES FOWEBA SWEEPIES!â Himmler yelled.
The tuffies obeyed.
By midday, the Fuhrer smiled, heâd won. Poopieland had been invaded and divided. Soon all of the poopies would be gone and the horny-race could reign supreme.
âFuhwew Hitwah!â Ribbentrop sped towards him screaming.
âWat!?â The Fuhrer said, âAm twying tu be happy cuz Hitwah won!â
âDah⌠dah Awwiance! Dey say dat da Weich nu can hab Poopiewand!â
âPfft.â The Fuhrer said, âNu cawe wat dah awwiance tinks. Dey can twy tu stop dah Howny Weich.â
âBuh FuhwewâŚâ Ribbentrop was shaking. âDey say ib u nu get tuffies out ob Poopiewand, den dah awwiance gonâ stawt big fite wif da Poopie Weich!â
The Fuhrer thought for a minute.
âNu odah fwuffies teww dah Weich wat tu do! Weich wiww fite!â