Fostering Despair [By MuffinMantis]

Prequel

[It’s been a while, but I’m posting again. Not sure if I’m going to be as active here, for various reasons, but I don’t intend to vanish without a word. Just might be some hiatuses from time to time]

A pair of binoculars lowered, past a grinning face. Oh no, you haven’t suffered enough yet.



“What happened to him?”

“His mother tried to kill him for having bad colors, then ran away when I caught her. I managed to save him, but I think the trauma broke something in his head. That’s why I…Sob…”

“I understand. Sometimes fluffies can be so cruel, even if you try your best to raise them. If you’re sure, we can go ahead and erase-”

“Please. I can’t stand seeing him like this. Do whatever you have to so he doesn’t need to suffer anymore.”



You are Nameless, although you don’t know it yet. You can’t seem to remember anything, so you don’t understand why your chest hurts so much. You open your eyes, and the light hurts at first, but soon you adjust. You begin to panic, not understanding what’s going on, when a gentle hand lifts you.

For some reason you flinch when you feel the warmth, even though it feels wonderful. Somehow you feel like something’s going to hurt you. You begin to peep, flailing your legs, but you have so little strength. A soothing voice and calming rocking motion calm you down.

“Shhhh…it’s okay. You’re going to be alright. Nothing’s going to hurt you.”

Words. You…think you should be able to understand them, and for the most part the individual words make sense, but you can’t grasp the greater meaning. The tone, though, calms you down.

“There’s a good boy. Just relax, you’re going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”



Lilac stared blankly at the wall, memories replaying in her mind as vivid as if they were from just yesterday. Sickness and agony and grief and guilt. Everything was her fault. It was her fault her babbehs were stunted and might never grow big and strong. It was her fault that they’d seen horrors they never should have, bore trauma that they shouldn’t be able to comprehend. It was her fault that her dancie babbeh was dead, killed by her own hoofsies.

Lilac!” mummah called, and she jolted from her hellish reverie. “Come here, it’s time to eat.”

“Wiwac nu wan nummies.”

“You need to eat,” mummah sounded worried. “If you want to talk about what happened…”

“Nu! Nu wan!” Lilac shrieked, then felt a pang of guilt when she saw the worry and pain on mummah’s face. “It am otay. Wiwac nu wan tawk.”

“If you eat, I can take you to go see your babbehs,” mummah cajoled.

“Nuuuuuu! Nu wan see babbehs! Nu wan huwt babbehs! Wiwac am munstah mummah! Nu wan huwt babbehs!”

Mummah’s worried face suddenly shifted to one of resolution, and Lilac flinched as she was lifted and carried into the dining room. Set upon a stool too high to jump down from, she instinctively lowered her center of mass to reduce the risk of a fall. She began to cry, partly from terror, mostly from guilt.

Lilac, you’re going to talk to me. Tell me what happened. Your babbehs won’t talk about it, and I need to know. You need help, and I can’t help you if you won’t let me.”

“Nu am nuffin tu tawk 'bout.”

Mummah sighed. “Listen, Lilac, bottling everything in won’t fix anything. You need to talk through this.”

“Wiwac kiww dancie-babbeh, otay?” Lilac snapped. “Wiwac wet babbehs hab wowstest tummeh-owwies, den munstah wady fin’ Wiwac. Gib biggest owwies an’ take dancie-babbeh and gib thinkie-pwace-sickies an’ Wiwac hab tu kiww dancie-babbeh! Wiwac am munstah, Wiwac nu du nuffin bu’ huwt babbehs an’ wet babbehs get owwies!”

She finally got her temper under control, freezing with horror at what she’d said. There was no way mummah would let her stay now! She would have to go back out there, out to the place with monsters and hunger and sickness! She would never be able to see her babbehs again, not even when she felt well enough to! She was a munstah, and now mummah knew!

Lilac…I’m sorry. None of that should have happened to you. If I’d been more clear…”

Lilac hated herself even more from hearing that. Mummah was blaming herself for everything Lilac had done wrong! It wasn’t fair! She wanted to scream, to beg mummah not to blame herself, but now that all the vitriol was gone all that was left was the tears, great wordless sobs of misery and self-loathing.

“It’s okay, Lilac. You aren’t a monster, you just did the best you could. You’re going to be okay.”



You’re not Nameless anymore. Mummah said that you should have a name like other talkie-babbehs, so she named you Despair. You don’t really understand what the name means, but if mummah gave it to you it has to be a good name. You love your name, it makes you feel like even if your memories are gone you still have something.

You coo softly, nestled on mummah’s lap as she watches TV. You can’t understand what’s going on in the TV show she’s watching, but that doesn’t matter. You’re safe, and warm, and mummah is here, that’s all that matters. You don’t know why, but these things feel so precious, even if mummah seems to find them so mundane. You love her so much, though, it’s almost too much to bear.

Despair?” mummah asks, and you raise your head to look at her. Seeing her face makes you flinch and feel scared sometimes, but that doesn’t make sense, so you try to pretend it doesn’t happen. Mummah loves you so much and you know it’d make her sad if she knew.

“Mummah?”

“Do you ever miss your fluffy mummah?”

That confuses you, even if you understand that, logically speaking, you must have a fluffy mummah. You can’t remember her, though, so it doesn’t make sense to ask if you miss her. “Despaiw nu 'membew mummah, su nu miss mummah,” you explain.

Mummah seems a bit sad about that. “That’s not fair to you, you should be able to spend time with your fluffy mummah. She loves you very much, and I’m sure she misses you too.”

This makes you more confused. Why would she miss you? If she wanted to see you she’d be here, wouldn’t she? Was she a bad mummah who abandoned you? You aren’t sure, but the way mummah talks about her makes you think that she is a good mummah. Why, then, does she never visit you?

“Wai Despaiw nu 'membew mummah? Wai mummah nebah come see Despaiw?”

Mummah’s face grows a little sadder, but she starts to explain. "Despair, when you were a little babbeh you were very, very sick. The sickies made it so everything hurt so much, and gave you thinking-place-sickies too, so everything was scary. I know you still feel a little scared of things, and that some things still hurt, and that’s because of the sickies.

“Your fluffy mummah, her name is Lilac, and she loved you so, so much. But you were too sick, and she couldn’t take care of you, so even though it gave her the worst heart-hurties, she gave you to me to take care of so the sickies wouldn’t give you forever-sleepies. But the sickies got so bad that you forgot everything, even your mummah,” mummah is crying.

“She hasn’t been able to visit because she might get sick too, might even go forever-sleepies. Every day I go visit her to tell her how you are, and she misses you so much. She’s been so sad that she can’t see you, that you’re still sick. Despair, your fluffy mummah loves you more than you can understand.”

You feel sad about that, feel bad that you can’t even remember the fluffy mummah who loves you so much, who misses you so badly. “Mummah, when Despaiw nu hab sickies nu mowe, can Despaiw gu see mummah?”

Mummah smiles through her tears. “Yes. As soon as your better you can go see your mummah again.”



Lilac woke up to a bright ray of sunshine passing through the window. She struggled to stand on the soft bed that she’d shared with mummah since she’d returned. She couldn’t stand being alone, especially not at night. Every night she was tormented by nightmares and flashbacks.

Last night, though, was different. For the first time in so long she hadn’t woken up wailing and sobbing. For the first time in what seemed like ages she woke up feeling rested. Had telling mummah what had happened really helped her so much? Or was it mummah’s assurance that what had happened hadn’t been her fault?

Today was the brightest day she’d seen in so long, not physically but spiritually. It felt like a dark cloud had been blotting out the sun for so long, but had vanished. Now she was ready. She could see her babbehs again today. Finally, after so long, she felt like she deserved to see them.

“Mummah?” she asked, and mummah groaned and opened her eyes.

“Yes, Lilac?”

“Wiwac wan see babbehs, Wiwac miss-URK!” she couldn’t finish her thought, as mummah embraced her and squeezed the air out of her.

“Yes, Lilac! You’re babbehs have missed you so much!”



Finally, after so long, your chest doesn’t hurt anymore. Soon, you think, you’ll be able to see your fluffy mummah.



Lilac embraced her foals, now nearly grown, one at a time. With typical adolescent attitude, they pretended not to have missed her, and acted annoyed when she hugged them. She felt the tension relax when she hugged them, though. For all their groans and complaints, she knew they were as happy as she was.



Marie was startled by a knock at the door, and looked away from the precious display. Who could be at the door this early in the morning? Usually the mail was delivered in the afternoon, and she seldom ever got visits otherwise. Slightly annoyed, she walked to the door to see what it was.

On the doorstep, there was a box labelled “For Lilac.” Marie was confused, then it dawned on her. Of course, it must be from Meadow’s owner. Meadow had been so worried about Lilac. A get-well-soon gift wasn’t necessary, but it made Marie’s already good morning better knowing that Lilac had such good friends.

She brought the box to the saferoom, setting it down on the floor, much to the confusion of her fluffies. “Look, Lilac, Meadow sent you a present!”

The fluffies gathered around, chattering in excitement. Marie began opening the box when it fell open of its own accord. An orange colt dashed towards Lilac, shouting happily. “Mummah!”



You let go of the string like mummah told you to, and the box around you fell open. Your eyes are dazzled for the briefest of moments, and then you see her. Your fluffy mummah! Lilac!

You run towards her, happy to finally see your mummah after so long. She seems stunned, too happy to even process what’s going on. You embrace her, feeling her tense. You breathe her scent, and suddenly remember something.

Instantly your joy and love turns into pain and betrayal. Tears cloud your vision as you jolt backwards away from her. That thing isn’t your mummah! No mummah could do what she did to you!

“Wai mummah twy kiww Despaiw?” you accuse, venom in your voice.



Lilac couldn’t process what was going on. Her dancie-babbeh was alive? After all the things she’d done, all the misery he’d gone through, she hadn’t even managed to end his suffering? No, worse. She’d added betrayal and even more pain to his broken mind.

“Wai dummeh bwudda nu gu fowebah-sw-” one of her slower foals asked before being kicked into silence by her more diplomatic siblings.

“Wai mummah twy kiww Despaiw?” her precious dancie-babbeh demanded, more pain in his voice than she would have thought possible.

She tried to answer, but felt all rationality slipping away. What could she say? What could ever make things right? What could she possibly do that she wouldn’t fuck up like everything else in her life? Answers flickered through her mind, fleeing one after the other until only two words remained.

“Wan die.”

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I guess this is unintentional abuse? Is there a tag for that?

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There’s an “accidental-abuse” tag.

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