My mother did her best to ensure I knew how to cook. I regret that I’ll never be her equal, but I know my way around a kitchen. She taught me patience, the importance of preparation, and the skill and care necessary to make people appreciate what I’ve done.
So here I am chopping up some leafy greens. Sure people love to dunk on vegans (because unless they’re doing it for health reasons they’re usually a bunch of self-righteous know-it-alls) but you can’t deny that the push for food containing zero animal products has led to a ton of innovation in the kitchen.
Like my current recipe. A one-ingredient pasta dish (unless you count water and few binding ingredients). From the pasta itself to the fake meatballs to the sauce it’s just a question of getting the right consistency and voila, I’ve created a masterpiece.
I’ve always been bad at judging portion size, but since it’s ‘sketti’ and this meal’s recipient is a pregnant fluffy who’s eating for both herself and her unborn foals I don’t think there will be any issue with me overserving her.
Presentation isn’t important either, but I have the heart of an artist. Each noodle needs to be coiled just right and the sauce drizzled with care, with the fake meatballs (I used vegtable-based dye to get them the right color) peeking out of the top.
And then I’m off, carrying the plate with care until it’s set in front of it’s intended recipient.
“SKETTIES!!! Sketties am bestest nummies fow soon-mummah, makes bestest miwkies fow tummeh-babbehs!”
I’d say it was worth it just to see the fluffy’s face light up and hear her joy, but I’d be lying.
“That’s right. Now make sure to eat it all so it can go right to your babies.”
“Yes, tank yu nice hoomin!”
What made it worth it would be her owner’s reaction when he realized someone had given his pregnant designer fluffy worth thousands of dollars a huge plate of spaghetti, sauce, and fake meatballs made entirely out of parsley.
My mother’s lessons were also applicable to avenging myself with impunity.
As the man currently throwing a tantrum over a fluffy with blood and obliterated foals pouring out of the back of her with no idea who did it or how it happened clearly demonstrates.
