Note: this is part of the Wizards Do Parlor Tricks, I Throttle The Heavens! series.
Warning: minor spoilers for the Spirits of Sin Saga.
Detroit, Michigan.
A man slinks through the alleyways, wielding a gun.
You can probably guess what he’s up to.
As the man passes some graffiti of a purple and yellow jester, he picks up the scent of fluffies and smiles, like a cat who just smelled a mouse.
He turns around a corner, seeing a feral herd, scavenging through the garbage.
They haven’t noticed their guest yet, and he sneaks up behind one stallion, searching a knocked-over trash can.
“Fwuffy hope dewe am gud nummies in hewe, speciaw fwend nee make miwkies fow babbehs.”
The man takes aim, and pulls the trigger.
pwarp!
And then, he’s very confused when a stream of bubbles comes out of his gun instead of a bullet.
“What the fu–”
Someone behind him speaks up in a cheerful, flamboyant voice.
“My, my! What were you doing that for, boyo?”
The man turns around, and sure enough, it’s Chaos, in jester form, his arms folded and a painted frown on his harlequin face.
“Let’s take this somewhere private, shall we?”
Suddenly, Chaos and the man are both on top of Mount Everest, and just as suddenly, the man is wearing a thick, hideous sweater.
And Chaos is suddenly wearing a scarf, obviously purple and yellow.
“That’s better. Now then, mind telling me what the hell you were thinking?”
The man angrily points his gun at Chaos, realizes that his gun is now a bag of York Peppermint Patties, and just as angrily discards it.
“Who the fuck are you?”
“Here, have my card.”
Chaos offers the man a card, and only after the man takes it does he notice that it’s a playing card.
Guess which one.
Yes, a joker, and the joker is, of course, Chaos in jester form.
“Very funny. Are you gonna give me a straight answer or not? Who are you, and how are you doing all of… this?”
Chaos spreads his arms wide.
“I can do anything.”
Suddenly, he’s holding a steaming mug of hot chocolate, and takes a sip.
Before you ask how Chaos can drink through a mask:
What did he just say?
The would-be abuser hopefully eyes the mug.
“It’s kinda chilly up here. Can I have some hot chocolate?”
“Huh? Oh, sure.”
splash
Suddenly, the man is drenched in hot chocolate, and he shrieks, because it’s very hot.
Chaos laughs at him.
“Ooooh, sorry about that, but you didn’t say you wanted a mug. Or how hot you wanted it to be. Gotta watch what you say around me, boyo!”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Why did you want to kill those fluffies? There’s your answer. You see, I don’t like it when people kill fluffies. Mind you, I get why you keep doing it. I completely understand your blatant disregard for the law. But you’re hurting fluffies, and that’s just not cricket.”
“Why do you care? Why does anyone care about shitrats? They’re vermin. I don’t see fucking Korkea trying to protect cockroaches, or locusts.”
“It’s funny that you mentioned Cal, because he’s one of my closest friends among mortalkind. That’s right, boyo, I’m not mortal. I’m not even human, even though I can play the part very well.”
“So what are you, then? An alien? Are you one of those damn Tuuni? I’ve never thought they were funny.”
The painted frown turns upside down.
“I’m a bit too colorful to be a Tuuni. So no. You want to know who I am, boyo? I’m Chaos, that’s who. And I’m only telling you that because there’s nothing you can do about it. Who are you gonna go cry to? The police? There’s no prison that can contain me. The ChaotiX? Cal will just laugh at you, and tell you that you had this coming. And you couldn’t even reach my boss, let me repeat that: my. Boss. I’m so much more powerful than you that you couldn’t ever fathom it, and I’m not even the biggest fish in the pond. Just 1% of my power is enough to destroy worlds. Of course, I’d rather not destroy worlds. It spoils the fun. And speaking of fun: what am I gonna do to you? I mean it, I’m open to suggestions.”
“So if I suggest that you let me go unharmed…”
“Ha! Nice try, but I said I’m open to suggestions, I’m not obligated to use them. Gotta watch what I say too.”
Chaos looks around.
“Y’know what? You can stay here until I figure out what to do with you. As long as you keep that sweater on, you won’t freeze to death.”
“It’s kinda itchy, though.”
“Mmm, yes, that’s the trade-off.”
And that hideous sweater will keep getting itchier with every passing minute.
But Chaos isn’t telling the abuser that. He’ll find out eventually.
“See you later, boyo. Ta-ta!”
Like that, Chaos is gone.
Elsewhere in the world, in a back yard, on the patio, a woman fills a large bucket with a hose.
Also on the patio, there’s a crying mare in a sorry box, and a cardboard box full of foals, only a day or two old.
“Huu… mummah, pwease nu gib babbehs foweba sweepies… huu…”
“I warned you, bitch. You get knocked up, I drown the foals.”
With the bucket full, the woman turns the tap off, and grabs the box.
“And if you don’t stop crying, I’ll drown you next.”
Then she dumps the box of foals into the bucket of water.
splash
Or rather, she dumps a box of Mentos into a bucket of Diet Coke.
SPLOOSH
The resulting fizzy eruption soaks her to the skin.
“Blech! What the hell was that?!? Aw, I hate diet soda!”
A cheerful, flamboyant voice cuts in from the direction of the sorry box.
“Trust me, I could make that happen with any kind of soda. How about I use Shasta next time?”
The woman turns around, seeing that the sorry box is now a luxury carrier, Chaos holding it with one hand, the mare and her foals alive and well inside the carrier.
“Of course, if you’re smart, there won’t be a next time.”
He’s still wearing the scarf, and will be wearing it for the rest of day, just because he feels like it.
“What the-- who the-- where’d you come from?!?”
“The real question is, where are you going?”
Suddenly, there’s a big colorful wheel, the kind that would be spun on a game show to determine the contestant’s prize.
Each segment of the wheel bears the name of a place. The Infinite Plane of Insatiably Horny Spiked Tentacle Monsters, Shroob, the Edge of Eternity, Chaos’ domain, North Sentinel Island…
In fact, only one segment bears the name of a place the woman would want to visit.
It says “Free Money, Sex, Booze And Junk Food That Doesn’t Make You Fat World”.
With his free hand, Chaos grabs the wheel, chuckling sinisterly as he prepares to spin it.
“Let’s find out, beauties and gentlebeauties!”
And then he lets it rip.
klakklakklakklakklakklakklakklakklakklak
Chaos, the woman, and even the mare watch the wheel spin.
klakklakklakklakklakklakklakklakklakklak
Chaos puts the carrier on a table that wasn’t there five seconds ago, and starts munching on a bag of popcorn he pulled out from nowhere.
“The suspense is killing me!”
klakklakklakklakklakklakklakklakklakklak
The woman gets so nervous that she starts biting her fingernails.
“PleaseFreeMoneySexBoozeAndJunkFoodWorld, pleaseFreeMoneySexBoozeAndJunkFoodWorld, pleaseFreeMoneySexBoozeAndJunkFoodWorld!”
klakklakklakklakklakklakklakklakklakklak
The mare isn’t really sure what’s going on anymore, but her foals aren’t being drowned, so she’s just rolling with it.
She’s too busy hugging her foals to say anything.
klak klak klak klak klak klak klak klak klak klak
As the wheel slows down, the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
klak… klak… klak… klak… klak… klak… klak… klak… klak… klak…
klak
The wheel comes to a stop on the segment for Free Money, Sex, Booze And Junk Food That Doesn’t Make You Fat World, and the woman sighs in relief.
“Oh thank fucking–”
Then Chaos meaningfully clears his throat.
klak
And the wheel turns a little bit more, landing on the next segment.
Which just says “Hell”.
“Ooh, so close! Such a shame, you almost won the grand prize! So sad, so very very sad! Welp, toodles!”
“Wait, let’s talk about th–”
Suddenly, an open trapdoor appears under the woman’s feet, yellow sulphury smoke streaming out, and she falls in.
"–IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!"
Then the trapdoor swings shut.
klunk
And vanishes.
Chaos laughs, putting the popcorn away.
“I hope the boys Down There don’t mind that bitch dripping Coke on the floor.”
Then he grabs the carrier.
“As for you, my dear, I’m going to get you and your foals out of here. I’ll bring you somewhere safe.”
“Su, babbehs nu am guin foweba sweepies?”
“Not today, dear fluffy. Oh, before we go, I should probably clean up.”
The bucket, box, table, wheel, and Diet Coke all vanish, leaving the yard immaculate.
“Spotless! Shall we be off? Your things will be waiting for you when we get there.”
Just like that, Chaos and the carrier full of fluffies vanish.
He’s taking them to the Foundation.
Meanwhile, in New Quezon City, Alpha walks through the park with Calvin, Marley and Hope.
As they pass the statue of Chaos himself, for whom the park was named, they come to a stop.
“Sup, Chaos.”
Chaos hops down from the pedestal, putting the real statue back, as he does every time he plays this game with Alpha.
“What gave it away this time, Al?”
“The scarf.”
“Okay, that was an easy one. Ah, and Cal! So bono to vada you here!”
Calvin smirks at Chaos.
“Can’t a guy spend some quality time with his brobot?”
“Of course you can, Cal. I know you’ve wanted to be friends with a robot since preschool.”
Calvin and Chaos speak in unison.
“And not one of those lame theme park animatronics, a real robot! Ha! Jinx! Double jinx! Triple jinx! Infinite jinx! Haaaa…”
Then they laugh, and Alpha joins in.
“Yeah, I took the family to Chuck E. Cheese one time. It just felt really weird, and all of the arcade games were caked with grease.”
Hope sighs.
“An fwuffies nu eben can pway dem games. Dey am tuu big.”
“Hey, there’s an idea: an arcade for fluffies. Suzy would love it, something like that would be perfect for Fluffy World.”
Calvin seems to like the idea too.
“Yes. Yes. So much yes! It’s the best idea since the GameFluff!”
Marley nods.
“We am gunna gu tu Fwuff-toh-peeyah watew, see if dewe am anee nyu games in.”
Flufftopia has a section for the GameFluff and the cartridges, complete with demo units.
Chaos chuckles.
“That reminds me, Cal. I don’t suppose–”
“Suzy’s still undecided on if you’re getting into Battle X-travaganza, Chaos.”
“Fair enough, I would be overpowered. But I do have lots of ideas for my moveset! I’m thinking turning the enemy into Skittles for the finishing move.”
“Wait, when did you do that?”
“During the Three-Way War, Cal. I turned some of those wizard robots into Skittles. I’m so sad you missed that. I fired off a really good one-liner, too. I turned them into Skittles, and said taste the rainbow, bitches.”
“Shit, that is a good one. I think I was hunting Ed when you did that, Chaos.”
“An Mawwey wuz fite-in Wee-gun.”
“I’m pretty sure me and Beta were helping look for the rest of the Ianos Clan at the time.”
“Dat wuz bee-fowe Gammuh wuz biwt, wite daddeh?”
“That’s right, Hope. He wasn’t built until after the World Revolution, remember. And there was that whole thing with the Citadel of Calvins between those two things…”
Chaos looks around.
“Where is Gamma, anyway?”
“On Vyse, he took the Tele-Port with Miles and Quin.”
Calvin grins.
“They’re just going to that really good arcade, they can take care of themselves on Vyse. And before you ask, Judy and Beta are spending the day hanging out in Jude’s workshop.”
“Mawwey haf bin tu wunna da bad pawts of Vais an came back. Yu nu can say dat abowt most fwuffies.”
“Hope nu am guin tu anudda pwanet wifowt daddeh.”
“They’ve got a huge indoor play area for fluffies on Vyse now. It’s across the street from that arcade, and almost as big.”
Chaos nods.
“Yes, I’ve already brought Loki and Eris there. Vyse is a planet with pleasures for everyone. But I’ve gotta be going. Got a lot on my schedule.”
He pulls out an actual schedule, showing it to Calvin and Alpha.
Every entry, written in rainbow-colored ink, says the same thing: “Whatever I feel like doing!”
“See? It’s absolutely packed! I’ll see you all again later, dear friends.”
“Oh, sure. Take care of yourself, Chaos.”
“I gotta go see how Om and Kirk are doing in Drakonia, anyway.”
“Nu be a stwangew.”
“Bai bai, mistah Kay-ohs!”
As the others wave him off, Chaos throws up a peace sign, and fades away.
Back on Mount Everest, Chaos checks up on the abuser he left up here.
The man is scratching himself like crazy, the sweater now itchier than diving into a big vat of itching powder in the nude.
It’s not helping his burns from the hot chocolate.
“Make this stoooooooooop!”
As Chaos laughs, he decides what he’s going to do to the man.
“Okay, you can go home.”
The man looks elated, still scratching himself.
“R-really?”
“Really. But there’s going to be a catch.”
The smile doesn’t have long to get settled in on the man’s face, and melts away like a snowman in Arizona.
“What… what’s the catch?”
“Here’s the catch, boyo: that sweater is staying on. The harder you try to get it off, the tighter it will get. And every time you hurt a fluffy, it will immediately become ten times itchier.”
Chaos is lying about that.
It’ll actually become a hundred times itchier.
“…How long do I have to wear the sweater, Mr. Chaos?”
“For as long as I say so. Also, Mr. Chaos? …I like it, you can keep calling me that.”
“I have to ask: is there a way to make the sweater less itchy?”
Chaos nods happily.
“Yes, yes there is.”
A full thirty seconds of silence passes, the only sound the howling of wind.
“Are you going to tell me what it is, Mr. Chaos?”
Chaos shrugs.
“Nope! You can have fun figuring it out on your own. But even a dimwit like you could solve this riddle. The answer is so elegant in its simplicity, it’s practically staring you in the face.”
“So… can I go home now, Mr. Chaos? Please?”
“Yeah, sure, scram.”
Suddenly, the abuser vanishes mid-scratch.
Chaos picks up the bag of Peppermint Patties he left behind.
“He didn’t even eat them? Well, that’s just rude.”
He vanishes too, taking the Patties with him.
But his voice lingers for a few seconds.
“It’s for the best. If he had eaten them, they’d give him the worst shits.”
Meanwhile, in a time zone where it’s currently night time, another man enters his apartment, carrying a box containing four foals.
He took the litter from a couple of alley fluffies while they were sleeping, and taped their mouths closed before they woke up, and could lodge any complaints.
Just to be extra dickish, he told the foals that he would tape their noses closed too if they started hugging each other.
After turning the light on with his elbow, the man walks to the kitchenette, placing the box on the counter.
He softly sings to himself as he rummages through the cupboards.
“Wasted away again in Foalgaritaville…”
And he pulls out a cheap, battered blender.
The foals’ eyes widen as they see the blender, not knowing what it is, but having a gut feeling that it’s not good for them.
But the moment the man plugs the blender in…
skchunk
There seems to be a short circuit, and the apartment goes dark.
The foals, being unable to verbally communicate their fear of the dark, simply soil themselves.
frrrrrrrrrrt
The man who wanted to make a foalgarita out of them, however, just groans.
“Damnit! Stupid cheap old blender.”
He fumbles through the dark, trying to find his flashlight without injuring himself, and not paying any attention to the foals now silently sobbing in their own excrement.
“Where’d I put that thing?”
He feels someone tap his shoulder, and hears a cheerful, flamboyant voice behind him.
“Are you lost in the dark, friend? Let me be your guiding light!”
The man turns around, seeing Chaos in an absolutely horrifying form, and shining a flashlight up at his monstrous face, the shadows only making him look more horrifying.
"̵̶B̸o̸o̵.̶̷"̴
Then the man screams like a little girl, and passes out, landing on his couch.
whump
When the light spontaneously turns back on, Chaos is back in jester form, shaking with suppressed laughter, and the foals are clean, every speck of shit gone, and the tape silencing them gone too.
Chaos picks the box up, the foals already hugging to calm each other down.
“Okay, let’s-- snrk– get you four back to your parents. They must be-- snrk– worried sick about you.”
One of the foals, a colt, peers up at him.
“Peep. Am yu otay, uh, mistah?”
“It’s mister at the moment, and I’m fine. I’m just trying-- snrk– not to laugh so I don’t wake him up. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he doesn’t trouble you again.”
Another foal, a filly, raises a tiny eyebrow.
“Wut am mistah gunna du tu him? Chirp.”
“Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.”
With that, Chaos exits the apartment, the door opening itself for him.
The second it closes, he starts whooping with laughter.
“Oh, I should have taken a picture!”