"I Can't Do This All On My Own" by NobodyAtAll

Note: read “Thanks, Doc!” first, along with “Primal Earth”, “Dinosaur Land”, and “Improbable, Unlikely, But Never Impossible”. Spoilers for the Fiendlord and Adam Omega Sagas.


Once again, Dr. Erwin Stahlberg arrives at the Faucheuse Foundation for another satisfying day of diagnosing and treating patients.

On the way to his examination room, he passes one of the other doctors and greets him.

“Morning, Dr. Ginger.”

No, not that Dr. Ginger. People have made the same mistake with Erwin. That Dr. Ginger is dead, at least in this timeline.

This Dr. Ginger is his nephew, and much like Erwin, he’s a lot nicer than his relative.

“Morning, Erwin.”

After some brief small talk, Dr. Ginger the Younger leaves, because he’s got to go check in on a litter born yesterday.

The mare was pregnant when she was first brought in, and her owner was five seconds away from terminating her pregnancy with a kick to the stomach when Danny popped out of the floor and scared him away from the mare.

The mare’s former owner is now in jail, for the other things he had done to fluffies.


Erwin reaches his examination room, and passes through it, into the regeneration room.

Right now, there’s only one patient in there.

A yellow and orange stallion, who had been pillowed. He and his owner were invited to the Foundation by Calvin to regrow the stallion’s legs, cruelly amputated by the stallion’s late former owner for no real reason.

Fireball happily accepted the offer.

Erwin checks on Fireball. He’s been in there for about three days, and it takes about a week to regrow an adult fluffy’s legs entirely. Fireball’s new legs are about the size of a foal’s right now. It looks rather bizarre, but Erwin’s used to the sight. It won’t be long until Fireball is ready to exit the regen vat.

Of course, after that, Fireball will need to stay at the Foundation a little longer. He’s been without leggies for so long, he’ll need physiotherapy in order to readjust to having them.

But, when he’s ready, he’ll be able to run and play and give hugs just like he used to, just as he loves to do.

Jack Clockson was made the same offer.

One of his fluffies, Magnum, initially turned down the offer.

Magnum was worried that he wouldn’t be able to drive his Fluffmobile anymore if he had leggies again.

However, Pierre, when he was improving on Jack’s design, reworked the controls, so that any fluffy can drive it. Leggies or no leggies.

Pierre also designed the Mummahmobile, for soon-mummahs to use.

While Pierre began working on this last year, before his retirement, it took a while for the electric cars for fluffies to reach the market.

Pierre wanted to work out every flaw that Jack had missed. That, and FauCorp’s release schedule was already packed at the time.

And, of course, Jack was very generously compensated for his part in giving the world the Fluffmobile.

When Magnum was told that he wouldn’t have to give up his precious Fluffmobile, he said that he’d think about it.

If he does accept, Magnum will be getting a brand new Fluffmobile when he’s done at the Foundation.


Just as Erwin finishes checking on Fireball, his first patient for today is brought in by Calvin.

A stallion by the name of Yoshi, who was found hiding in an alleyway that had been particularly befouled by fluffy feces.

Yoshi’s colors are currently impossible to discern, due to the fact that he is currently covered in feces. He’s also clearly suffering from a double case of pink eye.

The man who called the Foundation to let them know about Yoshi swore that it is actually dinosaur feces that the fluffy is covered in, and with everything that’s happened, something like that is genuinely considered to be within the realm of possibility.

It wasn’t hard to find a fluffy who stinks like the inside of a dinosaur’s colon.

Yoshi was, however, reluctant to come with Calvin, just as Yoshi was reluctant to part with the currently unidentifiable object on a string around his neck.

Yoshi insisted that a munstah was looking for him, and he didn’t want anyone else to be endangered by it. Calvin was impressed by this selflessness and bravery.

But Calvin was eventually able to persuade Yoshi to come with him to the Foundation, as the fluffy would be under the protection of both the ChaotiX and the Fluffy Cabal there.

Plus, Yoshi really needs a bath.

However, while Yoshi explained to Calvin that he had come to the city from Manhattan, how he got to the city, and that his daddeh had gone forever sleepies, Yoshi didn’t specify how his daddeh had gone forever sleepies, or who gave his daddeh forever sleepies, or where Yoshi’s daddeh had gone forever sleepies.

Calvin decided to leave it at that, since he could tell that Yoshi has had a rough time.

It might have been a good idea for Calvin to try a little harder to get the full story.

As Calvin watches, Erwin places the poop-covered fluffy on the Stahlskanner, his medical scanner.

Erwin thoroughly cleans anything his patients touch before the next patient is brought in, as does every other doctor working at the Foundation.

So the feces are a temporary problem. Plus, they’ve dried out by now.

bzzz

Erwin looks at the scanner’s screen.

“Ah. Pink eye. Well that’s not a surprise, I could see that. He’s covered in scheiße, of course he has pink eye. That means, um, poopies, Yoshi. But other than that, you’re healthy. You just need a bath.”

Yoshi seems hesitant to take a bath, even more hesitant than fluffies usually are when it comes to the necessary ablutions.

The desire to be clean can override the fluffy’s instinctual fear of water, if the fluffy is sufficiently dirty.

But in this case, something else is overriding that.

“But da poopies am da onwy wee-sun dat da munstah nu hab fown Yoh-shee.”

Calvin reassures Yoshi.

“Yoshi, you don’t need the poopies anymore. We’ll keep the monster away from you, whatever it is. You know who I am, yes?”

Yoshi nods.

“Da Bestest Hoomin. Yoh-shee saw yu awn da teebee, wite befowe Yoh-shee an daddeh went tu… um… neba mine. But mistah Caw knu wut Yoh-shee meen?”

“I do, Yoshi. And you know what I mean. I’m the strongest man alive. You don’t need to be afraid of monsters, because monsters are afraid of me. And the ones who aren’t don’t deserve mercy.”

“Mistah Caw weawwy am as much a bad-poopie-pwace as ev-wee-wun say mistah Caw am.”

It takes a second for Calvin and Erwin to parse the statement, but then Calvin nods.

“Damn right, Yoshi. I don’t like to brag, but I am a badass, let’s be real.”

Erwin smiles at Yoshi.

“So you’ll be safe here. You just need a long bath, some pink eye medication, and probably a good meal too.”

With that, Mark is called in, to take Yoshi so the fluffy can get those exact things.

Calvin departs, needing to check in on Jack’s training with Lu-Tze.

Jack can manage a fifteen second rewind now.

That might not seem like much of an improvement, but most people can’t even manage one second.


After cleaning the examination room, Erwin receives his next patient.

The Warriors Four bring in a fluffy couple, saved from their abusive owner.

The couple had foals.

Sadly, the Warriors Four were too late to save them.

So that asshole is in jail now, too.

Reiner, the wizzard who can’t spell, is shaking with anger at the thought of what the abuser did to the foals, and so is his Luggage, the magical box on many tiny legs.

“I was this close to breaking the wanker’s neck with a karate chop. Thanks for stopping me, Luggage…”

Angus the pictsie is fussing over the fluffy couple, who really like the tiny blue man after he crawled up their former owner’s leg and headbutted the bastard in the junk.

“If’n 'e comes back, I’ll gie 'im anuvva one, ye ken…”

Kobul the troll is muttering Trollish profanities under his breath, all directed at the former owner.

“Ha, if he come back, I’ll kick his goohuloog head in…”

And Gilius the dwarf is thumbing his dwarven axe, half pickaxe, half battle axe, and thinking out loud about all the things he’d like to do to the former owner, but knows he can’t get away with.

“Give me five minutes with the bastard, I’ll hang him up by the bura’zak-ka…”

Erwin places the couple on the Stahlskanner, one by one.

ping!

ping!

“They’re healthy, gentlemen. They just need the standard package: a meal, a bath, and lots of love. We can provide all of those here. You’ve done well.”

The Warriors Four are all visibly relieved.

But they still feel a pang of pain in their hearts, for the foals they couldn’t save.

Even the Luggage is depressed about that. Fluffies have grown on it.

Reiner strokes the fluffies.

“You guys be good, okay? We’ll be back to check in on you later, but we need to go help other fluffies.”

“Fank yu.”

“Fank aww of yu.”

“You’re welcome.”

The Warriors Four all say goodbye, and make their way out.

After Rosa comes to take to fluffies to get a bath, Erwin gets the examination room ready for his next patient.


Then Commissioner Jackson comes in, with his wife, a large redheaded woman, and their young son.

They’re just bringing their fluffy in for a regular checkup. A pegasus stallion, with green fluff, darker green mane, tail and eyes, and, interestingly, a yellow patch on his belly.

Erwin places the stallion on the Stahlskanner.

ping!

“Looks like Errol is as healthy as ever, Commissioner.”

Commissioner Jackson gives Erwin a rare smile.

“I’m glad to hear that, Dr. Stahlberg. And I’m not here on business, so please, call me John.”

“Alright, John.”

After giving Errol a fluffy treat, the Jackson family departs, as the boy happily talks to his parents.

“Dad, did you see that other fluffy? He was covered in poo!”

“Yes, Johnny, I saw it. I smelled it, unfortunately.”

“I wonder what kind of poo it was…


Just as Erwin is about to take a break, Chaos suddenly appears in the examination room, a painted frown on his harlequin face, carefully cradling a mare whose legs had been amputated by her owner only an hour ago.

While Chaos is speaking in his usual cheerful, flamboyant voice, Erwin can tell that the jester is not happy.

Erwin also notices the unusual pendant the jester is wearing.

It looks like a little screaming face.

“I truly cannot abide those who would inflict harm on such wonderful creatures, Erwin.”

“Don’t worry, Chaos. A week in a regen vat, and she’ll be alright.”

Chaos is visibly relieved. His painted frown becomes a painted smile.

“Oh, I am so glad to hear that!”

Erwin indicates for Chaos to follow him into the regeneration room, while commenting on his new piece of jewelry.

“That’s a nice pendant, I must say.”

“Why, thank you! I made it myself, y’know.”

Chaos made the pendant out of the mare’s former owner. But he doesn’t think Erwin needs to know that.

The bastard is still conscious in there. He’s fully aware of his situation.

That’s why the face on the pendant looks like it’s screaming.

Because the bastard is screaming.

He’ll never stop screaming.

He deserves it.

That wasn’t the first fluffy he mutilated. Not by a long shot.

And it wasn’t just fluffies the bastard mutilated, either.

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