“Bring in the next one” I tell the intern and check my notepad. Martin. Interesting enough name for a fluffy. The inten lifts a chubby yellow fluffy onto the makeshift stage, not nearly as fat as Brandon, more like Pillsbury dough boy chubby. Cute little fella.
“Name?” I ask even though I already know to give the little guy a chance to try and make a good impression.
“Fwuffy name am mawtin, nice mistah. Fank ou’ fow askin’ wat ou’ name nice mistah?” So. Fucking. Polite. He speaks at a moderate volume, he’s more well spoken than any fluffy I’ve encountered, and he even asked my name back.
“You can call me Mr. Daniels. What do you have for me today, Martin?”
“Mawtin wan sing fow nice mistah daniews, am dat otay?” So polite. God damn it, the only fluffy I’ve ever actually liked and I can’t have him. Funny how that works.
“Whenever you’re ready, Martin.”
He nailed the first impression, speaks politely, doesn’t shout, if he’s any good at literally anything I’ll put him on the show no question asked. He stands a little straighter and takes a deep breath.
"Am dah bewy modew of a modewn majow-genewaw
Hab infowmation begetabwe, animaw, an’ minewaw
An’ smawty fwiens of engwand, an’ quote dah fites histowicaw
fwom mawathon to watewwoo, in owdah categowicaw,"
No fucking way. I mean it’s awful, he can barely pronounce simple words as it is, let alone the words he’s attempting to say, and I don’t think he’s familiar with the concept of a key signature but good effort. Very good effort.
"am bewy weww acquainted, tu, wiff mattews mathematicaw
An’ undewstand equations, boff dah simpwe an’ quadwaticaw
abou’ binomiaw theowem am teemin’ wiff wot o’ news
wiff many cheewfuw facts about dah squawe of dah hypotenuse!"
He bows.
I blink.
Blink again.
I look at the Intern, she’s speechless too.
What.
The.
Fuck.
…
You’re a yellow fluffy named Martin, your daddeh says it’s because of a tee bee show called “The Simpsons” but you don’t know what that means. You do get happy when the nice yellow humans on tee bee say your name, but sometimes they say meanie things to you. Daddeh laughs so hard, so it must be funny, but you don’t like when the yellow hoomans on the tee bee are meanies.
Your daddeh says you’re a smart fluffy, and that makes you feel all better. He teaches you how to sing silly songs you don’t understand
“Siwwy daddeh, wha am modewn majow-genewaw?” You ask him. He doesn’t know but he says it sounds funny when you sing it. Daddeh says you’re the bestest singer, you sing for all his friends and they laugh too so you must be very good.
Yesterday you saw a commercial on the tee bee that said you can be a rockstar. You don’t know what rockstars are but the nice man on the tee bee made it sound so cool! You asked your daddeh and he said yes! You don’t know what a rockstar is but now you get to be one! And you get to sing your silly song for the nice man from the tee bee! You’re so excited you can hardly sleep, but daddeh says good fluffies go to bed when the sun sets.
The next day Daddeh puts you in the metal munstah that steals him from you every morning. He says he has to go to work. You still want to give it sorry hoofies for taking him away but you’re a good fluffy so you only think the meanie things, but never do them. The drive to the community center is so long and so boring but daddeh plays the silly “modewn majow-genewaw” song for you to help you remember so you can sing it for the nice man. You make good poopies in the bushes so you don’t have any accidents because good fluffies don’t make bad poopies, daddeh never gave you owwies, but he called you a bad fluffy when you made bad poopies and you never did it ever again, you’re a good fluffy. Daddeh always says so.
You’re so lucky, when you get inside the community center, you’re second in line behind a big blue fluffy and its human mummah.
“How time tiww bebbehs?” You ask, assuming the fluffy is a soon mummah.
“Nu am mawe! Am onwy widdow chubby, mummah say chubby fwuffy am adowabow, nu am soon mummah! Am boy fwuffy!” He says.
You say you’re sorry, and try to make some space. He goes in first, and soon you hear bad screaming. Sounds like he got hurt! When they carry him out you can see boo boo juice, it makes you very sad. Then a nice lady carries you onto the stage to meet the nice man from tee bee! You want to yell and shout, you’re so excited, but you want to be a good fluffy so you keep it in check. You answer a few questions and find out his name is Mr. Daniels.
You sing your silly “modewn majow-genewaw” song for nice Mr. Daniels, he doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, it feels like many forevers. He looks at the nice lady, then back at you. He looks stunned, did you do bad? Is he angry? Oh no!
But then Mr. Daniels looks right at you and says “You’re in.” And you’re so happy.
You’ve never felt so happy before. You run as fast as you can to give huggies to nice Mr. Daniels who made you so very happy, then the nice lady that gave you good uppies, and then you run as fast as you can to go find daddeh and give him the bestest news ever! And look! Mr. Daniels is following you? He must be happy too!
…
I’ve never seen a fluffy that eloquent before, I’m sure he doesn’t know what those words mean but for fucks sake he said hypotenuse and he said it correctly, I can’t say no to that. He took off like a bullet, sprinting full tilt, or his equivalent, to find his owner, and since he’s in, I have to go discuss payment with his owner too. I find him latched on to his owners leg, vibrating with joy.
“So, as I’m sure he’s told you, Martin has been selected for the program. Here’s my card, call you to discuss schedule and payment later, but rest assured he’ll be in safe hands when he’s here. Uh…” I look at the intern, forgetting her name once again, “she’ll take good care of him when we’re not filming. I think.” I turn around. “You’ll watch the little ‘actors’ eh?”
“Well, uh, sir…” she starts.
“It comes with a salary.”
“I’ll be the best damned fluffy babysitter you ever met,” she confidently shakes Martin’s owners hand. Atta girl. Should probably learn her name at some point. But hey, she got job at a tv studio, I don’t have to babysit a bunch of fluffies, win win.
I make a note on my notepad.
To do:
Learn intern’s name