Jars, or "I'm not high or drunk or anything, I just write this way" (by recreationalsadist)

The man walked into the Fluffmart and went to the front desk.

“Hello, could you please direct me to the discount fluffy pens?”

The employee at the front desk was a tentacle monster and pointed a tentacle in the direction of the discount fluffy pens.

The man walked over to them.

“Hello, I’m adopting all of you today!”

“Nice Mistah gunna be nyu Daddeh? YAY!”
“Gunna hab housie and toysies and sketties! Su happy!”
“Nu habe tu be pwostitute nu mowe? Bestest bwight time ebeh!”
“Fwuffy am definitewy fwuffy and nu am homewess man in fwuffy costume tu get fwee nummies and housie.”
“Babbeh du dancie fow nyu Daddeh!”
“HEWP! AM EWON MUSK! WAS TUWNED INTO FWUFFY BY WITCH!”
“But need wait fow speciaw-fwiend, meanie hoomens sai he ‘wowthwess fownace-fuew’ and take into dat woom wit da buwnie-metaw boxie.”
“Fwuffy can see da futuwe! Dis nu end weww fow any of us.”
“Am soon-mummah! Soon-mummah wiww nebah stop tawking about dat untiw babbehs come, den onwy tawk about dem.”
“I am not a fluffy, I am a Guinea Pig. Look at me when I’m talking to you!”

The man had them loaded into a crate and drove them back to his house. Then he carried them down to his basement.

Which was filled with jars big enough to hold fluffies.

The man turned the crate so the fluffies could see the jars.

“Each of you has to pick a jar. You’ll be spending the rest of your life in it.”

“But nu wan tu be in jaw!”

“Too bad.”

“Huuhuu, wut did Benito Mussowini weincawnated intu a fwuffy’s body ebeh du tu desewbe dis?!”

Once all the fluffies were in the jars the man turned them so they couldn’t look away from the TV. Which was playing every single Keeping up with the Kardashians episode on loop.

Eric waved his hand at the screen as the image paused on the horrified fluffies.

“This is what happens to fluffies who aren’t pillowed! Without us pillowfluffers literally every single fluffy would have this happen to them. Do YOU want this to happen to fluffies?! Because not agreeing with me about everything means you do, the internet says so.”

Josef Mongola and Crimson were in the front row. Josef raised his hand.

“WHY?!”

The man next to him nudged him.

“You’re in Hell, remember?”

Josef woke up in a panic.

“Oh thank goodness, it was just a dream!”

“Ow was it?”

Josef turned to see a fluffy on the pillow next to him in bed.

The two of them stared at each other.

Then Josef hurled the fluffy against the wall, stomped downstairs, and resolved never to eat Izzy’s curry again.

The fluffy woke up in a panic.

“AAAAHHH!!! …wut da fwuff?!”

“Am yu okay, speciaw-fwiend?”

“Fwuffy habe weiwdest sweepy-time pictuwes. Am just gwad dat nu am in weidbox abuse stowy.”

“Ow am yu?!”

The fluffy turned to his special-friend and realized she was an alicorn.

“NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!”

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