"Joyride" by LordAnubis (FB ID: 8722-8723)

>”Are you sure this is a good idea, Pete?”
>”Why wouldn’t it be, Jim? It’s prime real estate. It’s perfectly distanced from all the local neighborhoods, and can be clearly seen from the highway.”
>”Yeah, I know. But it’s right on top of the Leukemia Orphanage for Orphans with Leukemia.”
>”LOOL.”
>”Huh?”
>”The initials. Almost sounds like LOL.”
>”Almost, but not really.”
>”Ooookay, failed joke. Anyway, what’s the problem with opening an artisan pasta shop over an orphanage? If anything, we’ll look like saints for bringing attention to the poor childrens’ plight. Besides, we’re giving them free pasta anyway so they’d cut us some slack on our rent and all the noise from business.”
>”And those savings went right to the giant mechanical spinning spaghetti bowl on the roof.”
>”What, you don’t like the bowl? I thought it fit. Since we’re called The Bowl, and all.”
>”Which, by the way, is just going to attract a lot of idiots and tokers getting the wrong idea.”
>”And they will then buy some artisan pasta to assuage their disappointment.”
>”Fair enough. Still, having a giant pasta monument just seems ominous. Like it’s begging for trouble…”
>”How would a giant spinning pasta bowl be an omen? Enough gloom and toom. Time to get to work. For the LOOLs!”
>”Still not funny, Pete.”


“Is twue! Smawty saw skettis!”
>You are Crumbles, member of a herd of fluffy ponies.
>You have dark cobalt fluff and a pale blue mane.
>You live in a small wooded area near the Long Black Metal Monster Path.
>There are no other creatures besides you fluffies and some wingy friends and some big-tailed not-fluffies that live in the tree.
>You leave each other alone, and stick to your respective territories.
>Despite the harsh life of living on your own without a human Daddy or Mommy, it’s not a bad life.
>There’s grass all around, plenty of flat patches to play, and shelter under the trees at night when the herd forms their fluffpiles. There are about one, two…four fluffy’s worth of leggies and three fluffies more after that. (19)
>The problem is your herd’s leader, a brown fluffy with a dirty white mane and tail. He calls himself the Smarty Friend. Not sure why he does that, because you know his real name is Rudolph.
>He’s a very unique fluffy. He has both horns and wings. And he’s pretty smart, too, even if he can be bossy.
>He’s not a bad guy. He looks out for the herd, makes sure the babies don’t wander off, and even once fought another so-called smarty when he tried to take your land.
>That isn’t to say he’s a really nice fluffy. He’s strict, and won’t hesitate to bop a foal in the nose if it doesn’t listen to what he says. If any fluffy eats too much food, they get yelled at and have to sleep alone for two Dark Times.
>But still, nobody hates him, because he keeps the herd safe and fed.
>The problem is that he’s…ambitious.
>While the rest of the herd is content with grass and berries, he’s always leading search parties to go around the human places to find human food. Sometimes he’s successful, other times, fluffies can be lost to the Metal Monsters that rumble along their Path. He’s always watching the Path, watching the Metal Monsters rumble along it. He’ll watch them stop outside Human places and let Humans leave the monsters’ tummies.
>The rest of the herd is happy with their under tree shelters, and will fluffpile as much as they can fit under each tree. Rudolph has a thing he calls a blanket that he sleeps on by himself. Nobody’s asked if he wants to be part of a fluffpile, because whenever he lies down for the night, he always looks so sad.
>Sad and angry.
>Nobody wants to deal with Rudolph when he’s in a bad mood.
>Rudolph sometimes talks about having a human Daddy. He always gets really sad when he does, so it’s not often.
>Maybe that’s why he does the things he does.
>You grew up without a home.
>You don’t know what it’s like to have a human Daddy or Mommy.
>A part of you really wants it. Like it would make you complete.
>But humans are big. And according to some fluffies that came from other herds, humans can be really mean sometimes.
>No thanks. You’re fine where you’re at.
>Rudolph is considerably less satisfied, though.
>”When smawty when to fin’ hooman nummies, smawty saw bigges’ sketti boww dat smawty eva see! So much sketti fow evwy fwuffy eva!”
>You’ve never had spaghetti before, and you don’t even know what it looks like.
>But the word awakens a deep craving within you.
>Some part of you desires, nay, DEMANDS spaghetti.
>It is truly the nummies of the gods.
>Or whatever it is we have.
>”Whewe smawty see sketti boww?”
>”Smawty see boww on big hooman pwace. If fwuffies get sketties, den fwuffies haf’ nummies foweva!”
>Your herdmates all babble among themselves at the prospect of this fabled ‘sketti’.
>Seems like they all feel that primal need.
>But one light purple unicorn fluffy speaks up. A strong fluffy named Harvard.
>”Fwuffies awweady haf’ nummies foweva. Haf gwassies, haf bewwies. Sometimes not-fwuffy fwends gif nummy nuts. Why nee’ skettis?”
>Rudolph puffs his cheeks at the naysayer. He then deflates them with a loud “Hmph!”
>”Yoo am siwwy fwuffies. Eat yikky nummies an’ fink dey yummy. Sweep in diwt an’ fink it feew good. Fwuffies nu know abou’ hooman nummies. Sketties is bes’ nummies eva. Skettis feew wike speshaw huggies good feew in mouf an’ tummy. Make fwuffy happy fwuffy. Yoo say yoo nu wan’ sketties?”
>The herd looks uneasy now. Even Harvard is hesitant to answer.
>”Sketties.”
>A shudder runs through the herd as Rudolph says that magical word.
>”Sketties!”
>You can see many fluffies are drooling now, the word sending spasms of longing and lustful hunger.
>”Who wan’ sketties?!”
>”SKETTIES! SKETTIES! WAN’ SKETTIES!”
>Every fluffy cheers loudly. Even the foals and babies on their momma’s backs, who have little understanding of what anyone is talking about, is joining in.
>”Seti! Seti! Wan’ seti!”
>You can’t resist.
>You want those sketties.
>You will HAVE those sketties.
>”Otay, fwends. Smawty haf pwan fo’ sketties…”


>The next day, you’re all approaching the big Monster Field.
>It’s a place where a lot of long yellow Metal Monsters sleep at night, then leave during the day.
>On their sides are big black letters spelling ‘PARKER COUNTY ISD”
>Not that you can read them anyway.
>It’s early, and some of them are already awake and going out to the Path.
>The young members of your herd are scared, the ones too little to walk far on their own trembling in their momma’s fluff at the sight of the massive yellow beasts.
>”Nu wike munstas…pwease smawty can go ‘way pwease?”
>”Nu! Dis hewd’s chanse to haf yummy sketties! Fowwow smawty, he haf smawty pwan!”
>Scared as many of the fluffies are, they trust Rudolph. Despite being rough around the edges and very impatient, he’s always done a good job of looking after the herd.
>So fluff it, we’re doing this thing.
>You all creep silently through a hole in the fence in single file.
>None of the Humans take notice of your multicolor presence.
>It helps that the roar of the big yellow Metal Monsters drown out the nervous babbling of the herd.
>Many in your number don’t quite understand the concept of being quiet applying to talking as well as soft stepping.
>Not that fluffy hooves make much noise anyway.
>The foals cry about the rough asphalt hurting their undeveloped soft hooves.
>They stop to hug each other, but Rudolph nudges them forward.
>Many more yellow Metal Monsters are leaving.
>You and the rest of the herd dash under one that hasn’t woken up yet, Rudolph being the last to scuttle under once he’s made sure all the herd is accounted for.
>You hear crunching sounds and look out from under the Metal Monster.
>You see the hooves of a Human approaching.
>Rudolph motions to to a momma and her mate, their babies on her back.
>”Go to back pwace an’ wait fo’ Smawty!”
>They nod, afraid of what might happen next.
>They slink towards the back legs of the Metal Monster
>The Human opens the side of the Monster and climbs into its tummy.
>That wakes the monster up, and the herd yelps as the beast above them roars to life. It lets out a loud hiss.
>Many terror poopies are unleashed.
>Thankfully, nobody gets hit with them.
>But it now stinks down here.
>”Smawty say now!”
>The fluffies that moved to the back being screaming like they were getting the biggest owwies.
>You hear thumps above you, then the Human’s hooves appear as he steps out of the Monster’s tummy hole.
>I guess that would be its mouth, right?
>Right
>”What in tarnation is that noise?”
>The mare and her babies are lying on the ground, screaming and crying. The babies are just doing it because their mother is.
>Her mate is calling for help.
>As soon as the Human’s hooves move past you, Rudolph runs out, and the rest of the herd follows.
>You all climb as quickly as you can up into the Monster’s mouth, Rudolph giving a boost to any fluffies that need it.
>You can barely hear the fluffies back with the Human telling him what Rudolph told them to say.
>”Fwuffy speshaw fwend haf big owwies! Pwease hewp, nice hooman. Uh, fwuffy mean nice mista!”
>”Ooooooh, mumma haf tewwibwe owwies! Nee’ wotsa huggies! Nee’ huggies an’…um…what was wine ‘gain…nee’ huggies an’ wuv!”
>Don’t ask how long they were up last night practicing those lines. It’s embarrassing.
>At least the babies can just cry and hug their momma without any other direction.
>You all get into the monster and Rudolph hops up.
>”Otay, fwends, fwuffies gonna dwive big metaw munsta!”
>”Wha dwive?”
>”It fing whewe hooman make metaw munsta go pwaces!”
>Rudolph’s been observing people riding the Metal Monsters for months.
>He thinks he can figure out how to drive it.
>He starts barking commands for fluffies to get into positions.
>Some fluffies climb up until they can see out the Metal Monster’s big eyes.
>Rudolph stands in a big seat, his hooves on a big wheel.
>Two fluffies are on either side of the Monster’s eyes.
>Two more fluffies join Rudolph on the seat.
>The rest either stay at the bottom, or sit up at the sides, looking out the windows.
>You’re an observant fluffy (in case you haven’t noticed yet) so you look out the window next to Rudolph.
>”Otay, fwends! Is time fo’ sketti time!”
>The herd cheers despite their fear.
>”Metaw munsta! Go!”
>Rudolph bounces eagerly in the seat, barely able to contain his excitement.
>Nothing happens.
>”Why munsta nu go? Smawty teww munsta go!”
>Still nothing.
>One of the fluffies up high puffs his cheeks.
>”Dummy munsta! Do wha’ fwuffy say ow get owwies!”
>He kicks at a random part of the Monster, and to everyone’s surprise, the part moves
>At first, it was pointing at the letter P
>Now it’s pointing at D
>NOW we’re moving.
>Exceedingly slowly.
>You can hear the Human outside go “What in the-?”
>”Smawty! Hooman coming!”
>”Dummy munsta! Go fastew!”
>A fluffy on the floor approaches a piece of the Monster sticking up from the floor.
>”Munsta wan’ huggies? Huggies make munsta go fast?”
>He wraps his little legs around it and leans forward to give a really good hug.
>As his weight pushes the piece down, the Monster shoots forward.
>Every fluffy that wasn’t holding on to something goes flying and/or tumbling back.
>A lot of “Wahhhh!” and “Owwies!” and “Howy fwuff!” is heard.
>Rudolph’s head bumps against the back of the seat, but his pain is forgotten when he notices the bus is moving a lot faster.
>”Good fwuffy fwend! Gif mo’ huggies so munsta wan’ move!”
>The fluffy on the ground is happy to oblige
>Or maybe too terrified to let go.
>Whatever the case, he’s pushing more on the piece that made the Monster start going so fast, and the Monster is now going at a speed you’re not anywhere close to comfortable with.
>”Smawty! Munsta gonna hit ova munsta!”
>The fluffy on the left side starts jumping.
>”Munsta, do dis way!”
>Rudolph grabs the wheel on the left and turns it. The other fluffies help him.
>This much about controlling the Metal Monsters was something Rudolph was able to figure out after watching whatever Humans he could do it. They would always fiddle with the wheel to make the Monsters go in different directions.
>The Monster turns away from the other Monsters and begins heading for the opening in the gate where the Monsters would all leave for the day.
>”Go! Fow sketties!”
>”SKETTIES!”
>It’s kind of your battle cry now.
>You, your herd, and one large yellow Metal Monster roll out onto the Long Black Metal Monster Path, leaving one seriously confused bus driver and a family of fluffies behind.
>The daddy fluffy is not happy about that.
>”Smawty! Fowgot Bwitzen an’ Donnew an’ babehs! Come back! Wudowph! Yoo wat fink mumma fwuffaaaaaa!”
>”Left behind? What are you talking about?”
>Blitzen looks back to see a very angry looking Human glaring at him. Behind the Human, Donner and her babies begin trembling.
>”Aww, poopies…”


>The Metal Monster is now cruising at high speed (for fluffies, anyway) along the Long Black Metal Monster Path.
>The other Monsters aren’t happy about that. They’re making noises at you and trying to avoid getting hit by you.
>It’s hard to keep the Monster going straight when the fluffies operating the wheel can’t see where they’re going.
>The fluffies on top are navigating as best as they can, but they don’t know left and right, so they just hop and shout “Dis way!”
>It’s hard to tell who’s saying it when they’re both jumping in excitement.
>So the big yellow Metal Monster is serpentining all along the Long Black Metal Monster Path
>The fluffies that haven’t managed to hold onto something are tumbling left and right.
>More than a few puke from the constant motion.
>”Dashew nu wike dis [BWARRRRFFF!!!] game…”
>A foal in the back is watching out the rear window.
>”Ooo, pwetty wights!”
>You look back and see a white Metal Monster with red and blue flashing lights on its head.


>”Attention, driver! Pull over the bus now!”
>”Jesus, is this guy drunk? Who gets drunk this early in the morning?”
>”People who hijack school buses, apparently.”
>”I can’t even see who’ve driving, can you?”
>”No. Hey, is that a fluffy pony sitting at the rear window?
>”Shit, you’re right. Why would he be there?”
>“Oh fuck…”
>”What?”
>”If there’s a fluffy pony there, it probably means one thing.”
>”You don’t mean…”
>”Yep. It’s probably some kid taking a joyride.”
>”Oh fuck.”
>”Get the fire department. This could end really badly.”


>”Smawty! Coopid see big boww!”
>Rudolph climbs up the wheel to see.
>”Is sketti boww! Fwuffies, awmost dewe!”
>”SKETT [BWARFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!] IES!”
>By now, most of the herd would give up the chance to ever eat spaghetti for the rest of their lives if it meant stopping this crazy thing.
>With Rudolph not steering, the bus veers off the Long Black Metal Monster Path and starts driving on the grass.
>The sudden bump makes every fluffy float up a few inches before crashing back down.
>Many fluffies smash their face against the floor.
>One fluffy fall off the seat and rolls out the still open Monster mouth.
>”NUUUUUUU-”
>The only fluffy to even notice is the fluffy hugging the accelerator.
>Well, less a hug now and more a deathgrip.
>”Pwease nu huwties pwease nu huwties pwease nu huwties pwease nu huwties…”
>Rudolph tries to get the Metal Monster to go straight, aimed right at the Human place with the big bowl on top.
>”Soon sketties…”


>”And here’s your 2 pounds of artisan spaghetti.”
>”I still would have preferred some hash, dude.”
>”We know. You told us.”
>The stoner hipster takes his purchase and slinks out the door.
>”See? Smart naming choice or what?”
>”Gotta admit, one of your smarter ideas.”
>You turn up the radio.
>”{sksrt}-special emergency broadcast. A school bus has been seen driving erratically along Insterstate 10 near Plifterson. Authorities are tracking the vehicle, and suspect the driver may be a child. Drivers are advised to stay clear. More on the story as-”
>”Plifterson? That’s our street! Pete, you see a school bus out there?”
>”…Yeah. And it’s off the highway now.”
>”That’s good. Has it stopped?”
>”No…it’s heading straight for us…”
“Oh fuck…”


>”We cwowse! Munsta, pwease stop now!”
>The Monster pushes forward, heedless of its driver’s commands.
>”Get Cawmet offa huggies fingy!”
>A fluffy stumbles over, severely dizzy and extremely carsick, and tries to pull Comet off the accelerator.
>It’s no use, he’s gone to his mental happy place, and griping the accelerator as hard as he can.
>Rudolph looks up as the Human place with the big spaghetti bowl gets closer and closer.
>”Oh fwuff…”


>”Well John Smith, you’ve certainly been improving remarkably. You’ve been more active, and your white blood cell count is almost normal. Why, I bet it’s just a matter of time before you find yourself a new set of parents! Who love you!”
>”Thanks, Miss Gelrod. Hey, what’s that outside? It looks like a school bus.”
>”Oh fuck!”


>You are Crumbles, and you’re a bit disoriented.
>You know, from the crash.
>There’s smoke everywhere.
>All around you can hear screaming and the shrieks of pain.
>You’re not sure what’s making them.
>You can taste booboo juice in your mouth.
>Everything hurts.
>You stumble out of the Metal Monster’s mouth and fall onto the ground.
>”Ooof!”
>There’s smoke everywhere, but you can just barely make out the sight of a big red Metal Monster.
>It’s even bigger than the one you rode in.
>You cough and hack through the smoke, but it’s too thick, and the only thing you can see now are the flashing lights.
>”Pwease [hack] he [cough] hewp fwu-”
>You’re suddenly hit with a massive blast of water that throws you back until you hit a wall.
>You feel a lot of things in your chest snap and shatter
>You see booboo juice in your eyes.
>You can’t breathe from all the water being forced into your nose and mouth.
>Everything goes dark.
>This is all Rudolph’s fault.
>Oh fluff…


>”Disaster struck the Leukemia Orphanage for Orphans with Leukemia earlier today when a school bus drove straight into the front doors, causing significant structural damage and starting a fire. Luckily, the Orphanage’s matron has managed to get all the children to safety, and no injuries or deaths have been reported, save for the matron, who suffered some mild smoke inhalation from running back in to evacuate the children. The business above it, a new venture in artisan pasta called The Bowl, was largely undamaged, but will have to be closed until the structural damage to the building has been repaired. Thus far, the culprit driving the bus has not been identified, and authorities have no leads. They suspect it may be a local kid, based on seeing a young fluffy pony at the back of the bus during the initial chase, as well as the remains of several fluffy ponies being found after the fire was put out. Given how many fluffy pony bodies were found, it’s suspected that a local wild herd had gotten into the building either before or immediately following the bus crashing into it. Authorities are describing the possibility of the fluffy ponies driving the bus themselves as “fucking idiotic.”
>”We’ll have more on this story as it develops.”

9 Likes

Delightfully silly.

2 Likes

This was hilarious. But people need to open their eyes and realize that it WAS fluffies driving!

Oh, Rudolph. What a thing it is, to aspire.
Also, what sort of person calls a fluffy Harvard