You are Lavender, and daddeh says it’s been about a yeer since you came to live on the fawm.
It’s been a very busy yeer.
First, your old daddeh turned into a munstah, left, and went forever sleepies.
Then, your new daddeh, your old daddeh’s big bwuddah, brought you your new best friends, Daisy and Rose!
They’re the best.
Then you found out that James had turned into a munstah too, and had given other hoomins wowstest owwies and forever sleepies.
But you already knew that James was a munstah.
Then you found out that your new mummah, your daddeh’s special friend, was going to have a hoomin babbeh!
Then you found out that James had been given forever sleepies, for giving the other hoomins forever sleepies.
Then you found out that you have powahs.
You’re still wearing the thingy that stops you from using your powahs. The dok-tow said you aren’t ready yet. Not until you learn to respect everyone’s “mentaw pwai-fah-see”.
You didn’t know what that meant, but the dok-tow kindly explained to you that means that it’s not nice to go poking around in people’s heads. That you shouldn’t do it unless you have to.
You told him that you did have to. There’s so many things that hoomins won’t explain to you, and you still don’t understand why!
You still don’t know what a hookie is!
Or what that bump that kept appearing at the top of your old daddeh’s weggies was!
Or what your mummah wanted your daddeh to do harder!
The dok-tow laughed when you explained this.
What was so funny?
But then a really scary thing happened, while you were with the dok-tow in the sitty.
Your old daddeh came back. And so did James.
And they looked like munstahs now.
The munstahs were all over the sitty. There were hoomin munstahs, and fluffy munstahs too. The sky was all reddies.
The munstahs had big wingies and hownies, and they were all reddies. And they smelled really not-pretty. Like eggies that had been left out for too long in the wawm.
Your old daddeh had your new friend mistah Cal, and he took him up to the tallest housie in the sitty, to meet someone called the Darkest One.
James stayed behind, because he wanted to give you owwies.
But then you were saved by your other new friends: Reilly, Danny and Ghost.
They’ve got powahs too, but they can do different stuff than you can.
Reilly gave James wowstest owwies in the see-place, and then he went poof and went away.
Reilly then told you that James was a dee-mun now, and he had just gone back Down There.
Down where?
And what’s a dee-mun?
For once, Reilly actually answered your questions, as you were heading to the tall housie called Fawshush Towah. Usually when you ask questions like this, the hoomins just get uncomfortable and change the subject.
Hoomins.
You like Reilly. She actually explains things to you. She gets it!
Apparently, James and your old daddeh are dee-muns now, so giving them wowstest owwies doesn’t actually do anything to them anymore. They can’t go forever sleepies, because they’ve both already gone forever sleepies. It just sends them back Down There.
And Down There is a place called Heww. It’s a place where very bad hoomins and fluffies go after they’ve gone forever sleepies. If they spend enough time Down There, it turns them into munstahs called dee-muns, and then they become even more bad.
It was only then that you understood the joke that Ghost had made.
Once you got to the Towah’s Pwaza, you all saw mistah Cal jump off the woof with a fluffy.
When they landed in the Pwaza, they went SPLAT!
There was booboo-juice everywhere, and a big puddle of it under mistah Cal and the fluffy.
All of the dee-muns went poof and went back Down There right away, and the sky went back to being blue.
Mistah Cal got back up. Eventually. The fluffy didn’t.
You met another nice hoomin called mistah Victor, he came out of nowhere, and he explained to everyone that mistah Cal was probably going to be fine, because he had copied mistah Victor’s powah to we-gen-ew-wate. That means that mistah Victor’s owwies go away on their own. Same for his fluffy, Scarface.
Mistah Victor looked really embarrassed when he explained this. He had told mistah Cal that he couldn’t copy mistah Victor’s powahs.
Apparently, mistah Victor and Scarface also can’t ever go forever sleepies, but mistah Cal can’t copy that. Mistah Victor said that’s called imm-ow-tawwy-tee.
Then he called mistah Cal a bad word. But you think he meant it in a nice way, because he was grinning.
“That crazy bastard! He actually jumped! He still had the collar on! That wasn’t what I meant when I said get Umbra, believe me! I’ve gotta respect the balls Cal has on him!”
What collar?
But what you wanted to know was why mistah Cal jumped off the Towah. And who Umbra is. You were really lucky that bwite time, because for once, all of your questions were getting answers!
It turned out that the fluffy that mistah Cal jumped off the Towah with was Umbra, he was the Darkest One, and he had been a very bad fluffy. It was because of him that all the dee-muns showed up. He wanted to give the whole world buwnie owwies, just like in your sleepy pictures. Mistah Cal had jumped off the Towah with Umbra to stop him.
The other dok-tow Fawshush, Pierre, explained this to everyone before mistah Cal got back up, while taking care of your owwies.
He’s the bwuddah of Deston, the dok-tow Fawshush you know.
Mistah Cal’s friends were there as well. You met his fluffies, while you were waiting for mistah Cal to wake up. They’re all really nice, and Marley and Caelum are soooooo smart!
You asked them if they knew what a hookie was.
They didn’t have a clue.
Oh well. It was the one question you didn’t get an answer to that bwite time. You can live with that.
But you also met mistah Dave, and his fluffy, Retard.
For some reason, they were both covered in booboo-juice.
Apparently, mistah Dave had always been mean to fluffies, and he had always been mean to hoomins as well, but the things with the red sky and the dee-muns that had happened in the sitty had been what he called a wake-up caww.
Did he sleep through the whole thing? Then why was he covered in booboo-juice? But he explained he didn’t mean it literally. He was out there, fighting the dee-muns with Retard. He swore that Retard gave one of the dee-mun fluffies bad special huggies. He said he wished that he could prove it.
Mistah Dave then said that he had realized that if he didn’t get his… poopies together, he was gonna end up Down There as well. (Fluffies still don’t like swearing. Usually.) He called it an eppy-funnee.
He didn’t want that. He said, “I knew one of those bastards I blew away. He was just as bad as me. I don’t know exactly what the fuck Gary did to get sent Down There but if I’ve done it too I need to start making up for it right the fuck now. God, this is gonna suck.”
He said Gary was a friend of him and James. James and Gary had gone fluffy hunting together, and Gary’s bang-bang had “back-fiyahed” on him, and Gary went forever sleepies. James just left him there and ran away.
Fudge James.
Dok-tow Deston said that it was a good thing mistah Dave had realized how bad he was before he had gone forever sleepies.
After mistah Cal woke up, mistah Dave gave Retard a bath. And a new name, Slayer. He said he was going to get the bad word on Slayer’s side removed. You don’t know what the word was. You can’t understand the hoomin scribbles. And he said he was gonna start being nicer to his other fluffies too.
You think mistah Dave isn’t all that bad.
But, before mistah Cal woke up, mistah Dave asked everyone to please not tell mistah Cal about his eppy-funnee.
Mistah Cal would never stop giving him poopies for it, mistah Dave said.
After that, the dok-tow brought you home to the fawm. He just snapped his fingews and you were both there. Your mummah, daddeh and Daisy and Rose were all worried sick. They knew you were with the dok-tow, and they had seen what was happening in the sitty on the nyoos.
The dok-tow explained that you were alright. That you had gotten a few owwies, but they were fixed. That he was going to make sure you weren’t twaw-muh-taised by the ess-peewy-ense. Whatever that means.
They all gave you big hugs, and you, Daisy and Rose shared a big bowl of bwack-cuwwant ice cweam as you told your two best friends the whole story.
When you got to the part about mistah Cal jumping off the woof with Umbra and going SPLAT!, you felt a little saddies.
Umbra was a bad fluffy, but he could have been a good fluffy, if he wanted to. If he had been nicer, he wouldn’t have gone forever sleepies.
You wonder what happened to him that made him want to be the wowst fluffy and give the world buwnie owwies.
But that was all a yeer ago.
Things have changed.
First, you don’t have to be locked in your saferoom anymore! It’s because everyone’s gotten shawts that imm-yoon-ise them to something called P53. You’ve heard of that before, but you still don’t know what it is or what it had to do with you being locked in the saferoom. You don’t know what any of that means, but what it really means is that you don’t have to be locked up anymore!
Your mummah has had the babbeh. His name is Keith, and you love your new hoomin bwuddah. Everyone on the fawm does. Daddeh said “I hope Keith turns out better than James did.”
Your mummah was a bit upset that he said that, but you said you agreed with daddeh. You said that you had seen just how bad James really was. Your mummah had to admit that you and daddeh had a point.
The dok-tow placed something called wawds on the fawm, and what the wawds do, he explained, is keep you all safe. If James and your old daddeh come back again, they wouldn’t be able to give any of you owwies.
Apparently, he’s also a wiz-uwd. But, but you thought he was just good at seeing inside people’s minds!
He said he’d just have to get used to everyone knowing about wiz-uwds now.
Other than that, things have been peaceful. Besides one weird thing.
Earlier this bwite time, you were playing with Daisy, Rose, and Keith, and you caught a whiff of bad eggies, and heard someone up in the sky yelling bad wordsies. Your daddeh and mummah heard it too, and told the dok-tow right away. The dok-tow said the wawds will hold. That you’ll all be safe.
You believe him.
That night, in the city, a teenage couple walks down the wrong alleyway, and pays for it with their souls.