"Lavender: Past and Future" by NobodyAtAll

Note: this story takes place shortly after the events of “Winner Takes All”. There are more spoilers for that story, and spoilers for the Demonic Doppelgangers and World Tour Sagas.


It’s been a couple of bwite times since Oak, Elm and Rowan came to live on the farm.

The six of you have pretty much forgotten about the big scary flying metal things full of munstahs.

Of course, you have babbehs on the way now, and that’s way more important than those flying things could ever be.

This bwite time, mistah Cal and dok-tow Pierre came to the farm, saying that they needed to talk to your daddeh and mummah.

You asked if you could listen in.

Mistah Cal smiled.

“Are you sure, Lav? This isn’t entirely fluffy-related. But there’s something Les and Helen here need to know.”

You said yes, so the five of you sat down in the wiving woom together, while uncle Jim keeps an eye on Keith and your friends.


“Alright, Cal. Pierre. What’s this all about?”

Mistah Cal turns to your daddeh.

“I’m just going to rip the band-aid right off: this is about your brother, Les. And I’m not talking about Chris.

Your daddeh gasps.

“…Klaus? We haven’t talked about him in years. What’s this about, Cal? Did you guys find him?”

You’re confused, though.

You thought your old daddeh was your new daddeh’s only bwuddah.

You open your mouth to ask about this, but mistah Cal holds up a finger, and you know it means he wants you to be quiet.

You like mistah Cal, so you do so. You’ll save your questions for later.

But mistah Cal looks really saddies right now.

“Again, I’m just going to get to the point, Les. We did find him. Or rather, we found him last year, and we just didn’t know it at the time.”

Your daddeh doesn’t seem to understand, and for once, you and him are on the same page.

“I don’t get what you mean, Cal.”

Mistah Cal takes a deep breath.

“He was Number Two, Les. Years ago, Umbra found him in an alley, right after escaping from Pierre’s incinerator. He took over Klaus’ mind. Completely suppressed his true persona, leaving him, well, a puppet.”

Your daddeh looks saddies now too, and so does your mummah.

“He ran away from home a long time ago, Cal. Chris was just a kid back then, and I wasn’t much older. We didn’t know what happened after Klaus left. It was our dad who threw him out. He regretted it afterwards, but we could never find Klaus. Now I know why.

Your mummah turns to mistah Cal.

“But where is Klaus now, Cal?”

Mistah Cal looks even more saddies.

“I’m really sorry to say this, Helen, but he’s dead. He died a year ago, during the Demonic Invasion, you should already know that, but his soul only just got free and clear during the Alien Invasion.”

“Now I remember. We didn’t give it much thought at the time, because, well, we didn’t know who he was. Was his soul trapped somewhere or something?”

Mistah Cal smiles sadly.

“You don’t know the half of it, Helen. Pierre, you explain, please.”

So dok-tow Pierre explains.

“Last year, Umbra demonstrated his arcane powers to Cal by forcing Klaus’ soul out of his body. The body cannot stay alive for long once the soul has been removed, just as a soul cannot stay in a body after death. There are ways to put a soul back into a dead body, but in most cases, doing so does not actually bring the body back to life.

Your daddeh has saddie wawas in his see-places now.

“So Klaus died after that?”

Dok-tow Pierre nods sadly.

“Yes. By the time we found him on the roof, he was dead. We had just assumed that our thin friend had picked him up, and, because Umbra was our main concern, we neglected to confirm it. Bertie had blipped onto the roof after Cal and Victor had made their respective journeys to the ground, and he used highly illegal alien tech to steal Klaus’ soul before blipping out again. He came back for Klaus’ body later, along with Umbra’s, and we were not made aware of his break-in until after he was back in deep space. Bertrand later retrieved Umbra’s soul from Hell.”

“Why didn’t Bertrand just steal Klaus’ body then?”

“Because he knew I’d notice something like that. The absence of Klaus’ body would have been much more conspicuous than the absence of Klaus’ soul.

Your daddeh wipes the saddie wawas out of his see-places.

“But what did he do with them?”

Mistah Cal speaks up again.

“You know that ugly bastard I was fighting during the Invasion? The one burning indigo?”

“The big armored guy with the flu… ffy… head… No. Bertrand didn’t.

Mistah Cal nods again.

“He did, Les. He made that thing, that Umbra Two, out of them. He used a lot of pilfered, highly illegal alien technology to make it.”

Dok-tow Pierre chuckles.

“I’ll admit, I’ve, ahem, borrowed ideas myself. But, in my defence, and not to sound arrogant, I usually improved on the tech that I borrowed from various sources. Bertie, on the other hand, was just as much of a hack as Hans was. Umbra was right about that. But, Leslie, you must know, Umbra was in control of the gestalt entity. Complete control, as both Klaus and Bertie learned the hard way.”

“So when Umbra tried to destroy the planet…”

Mistah Cal smiles at your daddeh.

“Klaus was trying to hold Umbra back. He couldn’t, but trying counts for a lot in my book. And there’s something else, Les.”

“What’s that, Cal?”

“When I was dead, I ran into Klaus. We had a nice chat. He told me his side of the story, and he asked me to pass a message on to you before he went Up There. He’s having a great time with my Grandpa Mika, by the way. Our thin friend told me that yesterday.”

“I’m glad to hear that Klaus went Up There, because it means that, unlike Chris and James, Klaus wasn’t too far gone. But what’s the message, Cal?”

Mistah Cal takes another deep breath.

“He said that he’s sorry, Les. For everything that happened. And that he never stopped loving your family. If it wasn’t for Umbra, Klaus would have come home. He’d have gotten his shit together, and he’d have been there to help Chris when he needed it. So all of that happened because of Umbra, too.”

“Like Chris and James coming back again, and getting those clone bodies of you and Miles?”

That was Hans Stahlberg’s fault too, but I think we’ve seen the last of that asshole.”

Wait, who in the what?

You look up at mistah Cal.

“Owd daddeh an James came backsies again??? An wut da fuk am a cwone???

Mistah Cal sighs and shakes his head.

“I knew we shouldn’t have let Scarface hang out with you, Lav.”


That dawk time, you have a scary sleepie picture.

It’s a lot like the one you used to have.

Burnies everywhere, everyone you love going forever sleepies. Everyone except you.

But the voice laughing everywhere sounds different.

It isn’t deep and raspy, but it sounds just as mean, and it says things you don’t understand.

“Wenn sich der staub gelegt hat, wird das einzige, was auf dieser welt lebt, metall sein!”

Instead of your old daddeh showing up, someone else shows up.

A grey munstah made of metal.

And it looks like mistah Cal.

It looks down at you and smiles.

“You wanna know why I did this, shitrat? I did it because your buddy Cal pissed me off. I killed him for that, and it felt good. I killed all of his friends. I killed the shitrat who thought he was Tony Montana and his entire herd, too. And I’m gonna kill everyone else. Every. Last. Living. Being. On. The. Planet.”

“But wai?”

“Because Calvin and his friends took away WHAT WAS MINE. So, in exchange, it’s only fair that I take something of Calvin’s away. And since he staked his claim on the entire planet, well…”

“Dat nu am faiw. Ev-wee-wun ewse nu desewve dat.”

The munstah shrugs.

“Like I give a fuck, shitrat. If they don’t want to die, they should stop me, and if they CAN’T stop me, they should STOP BITCHING. The weak are meat, the strong eat. And you’re ALL just meat to me. I’m a Deus Ex Machina, shitrat. Do you know what that means?”

You shake your head.

The munstah lifts up his metal footsie.

"It means GOD FROM THE MACHINE."

STOMP

And then you wake up screaming.

Aw, poopies.

Here we go again.

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fuckin- i feel ya lav

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