Retrieved from the Leningrad security archives by request of the Premier
Recording taken from Akbar Karimov identity card
Muffled footsteps*
Muffled talking*
Drawer opening*
Papers rustling*
Sam Smith: found it!
Akbar Karimov: laughter* finally now hurry up or we’re going to be late!
Sam Smith: what’s this?
Akbar Karimov: what?
Sam Smith: Akbar, I didn’t know you were from the Soviet Union
Akbar Karimov: where’d you find that?
Sam Smith: in your drawer? Wait what’s wrong?
Akbar Karimov: let’s go. I don’t want to be late again.
Sam Smith: alright, you didn’t…
Akbar Karimov: Let’s go!
Sam Smith: ok jeez you don’t want to talk about it no need to shout
Footsteps*
Door closes*
Footsteps*
Elevator pings*
Sam Smith: so you going to the super bowl tomorrow?
Akbar Karimov: no.
Sam Smith: alright, well umm nice weather we’ve been having
Akbar Karimov: please stop talking
Sam Smith: ok, are you okay?
Akbar Karimov: I’m fine
Elevator pings*
Ambient chatter*
Footsteps*
Sliding doors open*
Footsteps*
Sam Smith: you want a coffee?
Akbar Karimov: no.
Footsteps*
Ambient chatter grows louder*
CTrain pulls into station*
Sam Smith: good thing we didn’t stop for coffee
CTrain doors close*
CTrain starts*
Ambient conversion*
Sam Smith: seriously though are you okay cuz you’re never like this
Akbar Karimov: I already told you I’m fine
CTrain stops*
CTrain doors open*
CTrain doors close*
CTrain starts*
Pearl: hewwo?
Akbar Karimov: oh great, hey someone lost their fluffy here!
Robert Miller: he’s mine!
Akbar Karimov: alright!
Pearl: upsies!
Akbar Karimov: excuse me, pardon me…
CTrain stops*
CTrain doors open*
Maria Lopez: heeey Sam!
Sam Smith: hi Maria!
Maria Lopez: where’s Akbar?
Sam Smith: I don’t know, he might not get off the train
Maria Lopez: what?
Sam Smith: he’s acting really strange right now, i don’t know what’s up with him
Maria Lopez: we all have those days
Sam Smith: Well anyway, you going to see the Super Bowl tomorrow?
Pointless chatter
Sam Smith: wow, that’s a lot of security
Maria Lopez: the Soviets are trying really hard to steal our research right now
Sam Smith: but couldn’t we put all these resources into something else?
Maria Lopez: no, the Americans are paying for it
Sam Smith: oh ok, why?
Maria Lopez: well they are spending more than our entire economy on defence every year, that has to go somewhere
Sam Smith: but are they concerned about attack? We are effectively in the middle of nowhere, and didn’t we spend more on defence then the Soviets last year?
Maria Lopez: hold on, let me check that
Sliding doors open*
Maria Lopez: oh my god, we did
Sam Smith: told you
Maria Lopez: yeah we outspent them by thirteen billion American dollars
Sam Smith: wait let me see that
José Luis: What are you two lovebirds looking at?
Maria Lopez: nothing!
Sam Smith: we’re comparing Soviet defence spending to Canadian defence spending
José Luis: well Akbar’s already inside making the final preparations
Sam Smith: wait how?
José Luis: he got here ten minutes ago
Sam Smith: oh ok, see you later Maria
Maria Lopez: see ya!
Phone rings*
José Luis: hello? Hi Akbar, you sure it’s ready? Ok yeah I can go get one now, hello? Hello?
Sam Smith: he’s in a weird mood right now, don’t worry about it
José Luis: alright, well you wanna go see if you can find a fluffy
Sam Smith: ok, bet I could find one and be back here before you could get me some coffee
José Luis: challenge accepted
Sam Smith: alright here you go, now go!
José Luis: no fair!
Sliding doors open*
Running
Sam Smith: (slightly out of breath) here we go
footsteps*
Sam Smith: hello fluffy would you like a new home?
Coca: sniff* nyu housie?
Sam Smith: yeah sure
Coca: buh poopie nebah had housie befowe
Sam Smith: alright so you want one now?
Coca: yes!
Sam Smith: ok then I’ll carry you to it
Coca: upsies!
Sam Smith: oof* you are a lot heavier then you look
Running
Sliding doors open*
José Luis: I see that you took your time
Sam Smith:(heavily out of breath), how, panting*, how did you, panting*
José Luis: I have my ways, here’s your coffee and I’ll take that
Sam Smith: thanks, I just need to sit for a second and rest
José Luis: take your time
Coca: nyu daddeh?
José Luis: sure alright
Coca: yay!
José Luis: for now i will call you Coca
Sliding doors open*
Connor O’Connor: you see I told you I’d be fine,cough* they didn’t even try to stop me, talk with you later, bye
Sam Smith: hello
Connor O’Connor: hi, would you happen to know where lab 47 is?
Sam Smith: yeah, that’s the lab I’m working in, I can take you there right now, just give me a second to catch my breath
Connor O’Connor: thanks
Sam Smith: alright let’s go
Footsteps*
Door opens*
Stairs clang*
Connor O’Connor: Hacking cough*
Door opens*
Footsteps*
Door opens*
Coco: nu wan sowwy!….
Lid clangs shut*
Connor O’Connor: this is it?
Sam Smith: yeah?
Connor O’Connor: it’s a lot smaller than I thought
José Luis: Hey Sam, who’s that?
Connor O’Connor: I’m the one representing the people who are backing this project
José Luis: Oh
Door opens*
Sofia Schmidt: hey anyone seen Akbar?
José Luis: no, why?
Sofia Schmidt: I cannot find him anywhere, he said that we are ready
Connor O’Connor: you’re ready? So can I see it work?
Sofia Schmidt: And who are you?
José Luis: he’s representing the people who are backing this project
Sofia Schmidt: alright fine, no promises though
Connor O’Connor: I understand
Sofia Schmidt: come outside
Door closes*
Sofia Schmidt: alright Sam and José are here, just missing Akbar
Sam Smith: he’s in a weird mood, don’t worry about him
Sofia Schmidt: ok, test subject in place?
José Luis: yep
Sofia Schmidt: alright, everyone ready?
José Luis: yep
Sam Smith: absolutely
Connor O’Connor: yes
Sofia Schmidt: 3, 2 ,1
Keyboard click*
Connor O’Connor: did it work?
Sofia Schmidt: give it a few seconds, now we check
Door opens*
Lid opens*
Sam Smith: it’s gone!
Connor O’Connor: what’s that smell?
Sofia Schmidt: really? Yes!
José Luis: yes! Oh My God Finally!
Connor O’Connor: What’s back here?
Sofia Schmidt: oh don’t worry about that that’s Akbar’s stuff
Connor O’Connor: there’s someone back here
Sam Smith: What?
Sofia Schmidt: oh no oooooh shit
Connor O’Connor: no one panic, Sam? right?
Sam Smith: yes
Connor O’Connor: see if you can get him out of there
Sam Smith: ok
Sofia Schmidt:(panicking) oh no oh no oh no
Connor O’Connor: you, see if you can get help, i’ll call an ambulance
José Luis: on it
Phone dialing*
Connor O’Connor: hello? I have a potential medical emergency here, at the university, lab 47
Sam Smith: ow!
Connor O’Connor: you ok?
Recording error, skipping to next relevant part
Door opens*
Sam Smith: how is he?
Andrea Garcia: who?
Sam Smith: Akbar, Akbar Karimov?
Andrea Garcia: ok give me a second, he came in two weeks ago with a stroke and minor chemical burns?
Sam Smith: that’s him
Andrea Garcia: he’s doing, well it’s complicated
Sam Smith: how so?
Andrea Garcia: well you have to see for yourself
Sam Smith: ok
Footsteps*
Door closes*
Akbar Karimov: hello!
Sam Smith: you’re ok, relieved laughter* you’re ok
Akbar Karimov: yes fluffy is alright
Sam Smith: I kn… Wait what?
Andrea Garcia: he’s not all there anymore, he thinks he’s a fluffy
Akbar Karimov: Coca am the best fluffy!
Sam Smith: oh no
Andrea Garcia: come again?
Sam Smith: no no no
Andrea Garcia: are you ok?
Sam Smith: Hyperventilating*
Andrea Garcia: sir?
Frantic footsteps*
Door slamming open*
Frantic footsteps*
Sliding doors open*
Frantic footsteps*
Puddles splashing*
Sam Smith: heavy breathing*
Dumpster clang*
Sam Smith: Sobbing*
Cottonball: hewwo?
Sam Smith: not now
Cottonball: hooman hab sad wawas?
Sam Smith: go away
Cottonball: nu whats wwong?
Sam Smith: we Sniff* we killed him sobbing*
Cottonball: its otay’ wet aww dah saddies out
Sam Smith: sobbing*
Recording cut because my god premier you took your time and he did not stop crying
Connor O’Connor: Sam?
Sam Smith: Sniff* you again
Connor O’Connor: I saw akbar in hospital, we know what happened to him
Sam Smith: yeah me too
Connor O’Connor: We’ve been trying to do that for almost a decade now
Sam Smith: what?
Connor O’Connor: let me introduce myself properly, i am Connor O’Connor Premier of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics
Cottonball: Yawn*
Connor O’Connor: and i need the full test results
Sam Smith: Why should I give it to you?
Connor O’Connor: We funded your whole project?
Sam Smith: Sniff* get it yourself.
Connor O’Connor: we don’t have clearance
Sam Smith: its a public place
Connor O’Connor: was, now the americans only want students and administrators on campus
Sam Smith: yeah fuck you
Connor O’Connor: cough* i wasn’t asking
Sam Smith: and i’m refusing
Connor O’Connor: i don’t have time for this
Phone dialing*
Connor O’Connor: he’s not coming
footsteps*
Device clicks*
Cottonball: daddeh?
Giorgi Abakelia: got it
Connor O’Connor: you gonna grab him
Giorgi Abakelia: no just needed his student id
Connor O’Connor: so, you, Sigh*
Cottonball: gu way meanie hooman
Giorgi Abakelia: can i get rid of it
Connor O’Connor: fine be quick with it
Giorgi Abakelia: thank you premier
Cottonball: Bad upsies!
Giorgi Abakelia: we’re gonna have some fun
Connor O’Connor: irritated sigh*
Giorgi Abakelia: some pretty fur you got there
Connor O’Connor: just kill it already
Giorgi Abakelia: where’s the fun in that?
Connor O’Connor: Cough* just hurry up
Giorgi Abakelia: premier?
Connor O’Connor: the planes leaving in two hours, be on it
Giorgi Abakelia: yes premier
Connor O’Connor: Coughing*
Giorgi Abakelia: two hours, plenty of time
Ripping sound*
Cottonball: Skree!
Giorgi Abakelia: you like that?
Distant clang*
Giorgi Abakelia: oh shit, premier!
Thump*
Footsteps*
Cottonball: crying in that really annoying way that fluffies do*
Giorgi Abakelia: premier? What? Why Uzbekistan? we are literally a block away from a hospital, yeah of course, yes premier on it!
Phone dials*
Giorgi Abakelia: zero zero fifty six, no he needs to get to uzbekistan, don’t question it that’s what he said
Sam Smith: groans*
Car pulls into alley*
Giorgi Abakelia: he’s good? Alright go!
Car pulls away*
Giorgi walks away*
Sam Smith: my head
Cottonball: pwetty fwuff am gone
Sam Smith: it’s not that much
Cottonball: daddeh otay’?
Sam Smith: yes, my head is just a little fuzzy
Cottonball: su am we goin’ to youw house?
Sam Smith: my? Oh no
Cottonball: what’s the mattah?
Sam Smith: I’m going to have to take care of both you and Akbar now, depressed sigh* why do I do this to myself?
Relevant recordings from [REDACTED]
Door knock*
Connor O’Connor: entew
Giorgi Abakelia: one of the junior scientists is here, he says Katya is ready for you
Connor O’Connor: i’ww be wite down
Giorgi Abakelia: you sure?
Connor O’Connor: I can wawk down some staiws wike a functiona… 'ou know what can 'ou cawwy me?
Giorgi Abakelia: of course premier
Footsteps*
Hulagu Ganbaatar: uhh
Giorgi Abakelia: don’t question it
Hulagu Ganbaatar: But that’s a…
Giorgi Abakelia: i said don’t question it
Hulagu Ganbaatar: alllllright then, follow me
Footsteps*
Door opens*
Katya Preobrazhensky: ahh premier, who’s the cutest fluffy
Connor O’Connor: stop dat.
Katya Preobrazhensky: but you are just so cute
Connor O’Connor: I sweaw fwuffy wiww hab 'ou kiwwed
Katya Preobrazhensky: laughter*
Connor O’Connor: I’m not jokin’
Katya Preobrazhensky: oh, uhh
Connor O’Connor: nao, ‘ou goin’ to show me it in action?
Katya Preobrazhensky: of course premier, if you don’t need to be here, clear the room!
Keyboard clicking*
Katya Preobrazhensky: everyone behind shielding?
General assent*
Katya Preobrazhensky: would you like to do the honours premier?
Connor O’Connor: am ‘ou stoopi’?
Katya Preobrazhensky: oh right
Keyboard click*
wind*
Katya Preobrazhensky: it worked!
Connor O’Connor: of couwse someone ewse awweady did it, stiww 'ou did gud, Giowgi, estabwish a foothowd,soon we wiww hab mowe wesouwces den we know what to do wiff
Giorgi Abakelia: yes premier
Connor O’Connor: awso get fwuffy weady fo’ bwiefin’ to dah sobiet peopwe, time to show dah Amewicans ouw scientific pwowess
Giorgi Abakelia: on it
Authors note
This is my first time posting and if you actually read through that incoherent dumpster fire, well thank you
any feedback is appreciated