MythBusters Fluffy Special by:Foxhoarder

The show opens
Narrator: Who are the mythbusters? Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman. Between them more than 20 years of special effects experience. Joining them: Grant Imahara, Tory Bellechi and Kari Byron.
They don’t just tell the myths - they put them to the test!

On this episode: The mythbusters take to the skies - or at least their new pets will!

Adam and Jamie enter screen.
Adam: Jamie, what do you know about fluffies?
Jamie: Well, they poop - a lot, they’re stupid, aand they’re easily killed.
Adam: Right! Now, how would you feel about throwing some fluffies from a third story window?
Jamie: It sounds like that’s something we’re going to do today.
Adam: Exactly! You see, there’s a story about a fluffy that escaped its owner by jumping through an open window-
Jamie: Ouch.
Adam: -and when the owner headed down to clean up, the fluffy was a-ok and playing happily on the front lawn!
Jamie: Sounds like we have a myth.

Fast forward to Mythbusters meeting outside in front of a crane. Adam is carrying a large cardboard box and wearing a goofy aviator helmet.
Narrator: Fluffies are well known for their ability to fly - if you ask a pegasus fluffy! While their real flights tend to be straight down, the Mythbusters are going to find out if it’s something a fluffy can do more than once!
Adam: Here come our brave little “volunteers”!
Camera switches to a view of the box. It is full of multicolored fluffies hugging, wandering around and babbling.
Jamie: Some of these are not pegasi.
Adam: Yes. The story told only that a FLUFFY survived the fall, not explicitly a pegasus!
Jamie: You think an earth fluffy might have better chances due to its sturdier build?
Adam: Exactly!
Jamie: And the unicorns are for completeness sake?
Adam: That too. It wouldn’t be a complete test without them, would it?
Music starts, and Adam rises to the heights in the crane basket.
Camera shows the fluffies shuffling around confused and scared.
Adam: The flight of a fluffy, take one!
Adam lifts a fluffy outside the basket and lets go.
“Fwuffy fwy!” the blue pegasus yells happily, flapping its tiny wings until it hits the pavement with a wet plop.
Mythbusters laugh.
Jamie: Well that was anti-climatic.
Adam: Wow, that was bad!
Jamie: I don’t think the wings actually do anything.
Adam: Yeah, lets see how one without them does!
Adam lifts a red earth fluffy out of the crane. “Nu wike scawy upsies!” the fluffy yells, wiggling in panic as it sees its predicament.
Adam: The fight of a fluffy, take two!
The fluffy falls with a frantic scream, then goes silent as its head hits the pavement with a crack.
Mythbusters laugh again.
Jamie: There was virtually no difference.
Adam: It fell on its face, I’ll try to get another one on its feet. Flight of a fluffy take three!
Adam drops a screaming yellow earth fluffy from the crane. Fluffy hits the ground front legs first, but they break instantly before its skull shatters against the ground.
Jamie: No difference. It may even be more broken than the last one because it has bone shards up its throat.
Camera briefly zooms in on the bloody mess.
Adam: Lets try the rest of them and see what we can learn.
Montage music plays as all types of fluffies hit the ground in slow-motion. A striped measuring board sits behind the falling fluffies to help with estimating their velocity.
Narrator: It looks like a survivable flight takes more than just wings and a can-do attitude. From a height of thirty feet, flapping wings and wiggling legs have a negligible effect on survival.

Camera swooshes back into the workshop, where Grant, Tory and Kari are huddled together around a table. About a dozen fluffies are playing and running on the table, occasionally bumping into each other and giving hugs to each other when hurt.
Grant: Fascinating creatures.
Kari: Aww, they’re so cute!
Tory: Do they ever pee?
Everyone turns to look at Tory in a comically slow fashion.
Tory: What?
Grant rubs his chin in thought.
Grant: You know, I haven’t actually seen a fluffy peeing either.
Kari: Eww!
Tory: Neither have many of our viewers. Quite a few people have asked whether fluffies even need to make a “number one”.
Grant: Good question. I have opened a fluffy before so I know they have a bladder and kidneys, but I’ve ever only seen them ejecting liquids via poop.
Kari looks at Grant incredulously.
Tory looks down at the fluffies on the table.
Tory: Sounds like ure-in for a bathroom break!
Kari is still looking at Grant with her mouth agape.
Tory and Grant grab fluffies in their hands and walk offscreen.
Kari: You cut open a fluffy?!

Camera switches back to Adam and Jamie, who are discussing their plans for the flying fluffy myth.
Narrator: The fluffies may not fly as gracefully as they think, but the Mythbusters are not ready to declare this myth dead just yet.
Adam: I think we both agree - a standard fluffy is NOT going to land safely.
Jamie: Yep.
Adam: Now the question is: how CAN we make a fluffy fly?
Jamie: Obviously the wings have way too little surface area to slow the fall. I think adding a glider or a parachute would be stretching the myth too far, so we need to find a way to increase the fluffies surface area compared to weight with something a fluffy might end up with on its own.
Adam: Like matted fur!
Jamie: Exactly.
Adam: And how does a fluffy get a matted fur?
Jamie: …this is going to involve poop, isn’t it?
Adam: Yes it is. What if the fluffy had a very dirty fluff, which by chance managed to create an improptu gliding surface that slowed the fluffies fall enough to make it safely to the ground.
Jamie: If the fluffy was neglected enough to have its fluff matted with poop, we can also assume that it may have been lighter due to malnourishment.
Adam: Exactly! So if we starve a fluffy, AND press its fur into a glider, it MIGHT be light enough and wide enough to land safely!
Jamie: I suggest we both make our fluffgliders and see if one of them works.
Adam: Agreed. To the fluffyhangar!

Camera switches to Grant, Tory and Kari, who now have a table full of food dishes in front of them.
Narrator: Grant has been busy in the kitchen. These meals are not designed for eating, but rather the aftermath.
Tory: Mm, smells delicious!
Kari: Spaghetti, soup, cookies… you cooked up a full-fledged fluffy feast!
Grant: Each food has a different consistency and moisture. Logically the soup would have the most liquid, but it might just go straight through the fluffy and out the other end. The cookies have the least liquid in them, but they’re designed to clog up the fluffies guts to give the water more time to get absorbed.
Tory: Is it bad if I just ate one?
Everyone has a hearty laugh and the scene fast forwards to a fluffy in a dollhouse-sized replica of a restaurant. Kari is wearing a waitress suit and serving a plate of spaghetti to the fluffy.
“Sketties! Fwuffy wuv sketties!” the fluffy yells as the smell hits its nostrils.
In another miniature restaurant, Grant serves a plate of cookies to an equally excited fluffy.
In the last restaurant set, Tory is wearing a fine tuxedo and serving a plate of soup to the last fluffy. It has smelled the spaghetti behind the wall and is uninterested in the soup plate.
“Fwuffy wan sketties! Nu wike wawa nummie!” it complains until Tory flicks it on the nose with a white-gloved finger.
Tory: Sir, I need to ask you to behave!
The fluffy shuts up and starts eating the soup with tears in its eyes, as Tory winks to the camera.
Tory: (whispering) I’m not gonna get a tip from this customer.
Narrator: Down goes the food, and the trip to the little fluffies room is not far behind…
Camera switches to a miniature bathroom with litter for floor. A fluffy stumbles in as fast as it can with a hurried expression.
“Fwuffy need make poopies!”
Narrator: …but what kind of “business” is the fluffy going to do?
The camera points at the fluffies rear end, but it is blurred enough to barely make out a brown smudge spewing on the litter behind the fluffy.
“Good poopies!” the fluffy declares, while Kari is leaning in closer than she’d want to in order to see the action.
Kari: Ewww, the things we do for science…
Narrator: The soup is making its exit next. The question is how?
A fluffy stumbles into the bathroom replica and barely makes it through the door before wet feces start pouring from its butthole.
“Fwuffy make poopies!” the fluffy states proudly. Tory is watching it with a parodically tight upper lip.
Tory: Yes sir, I can see that you do.
The camera switches to an empty bathroom.
Narrator: The customer of the cookie restaurant on the other hand, is in no rush whatsoever.
The camera switches to the restaurant room, where the fluffy is walking around looking at the walls and asking to be let out.
Grant: This was to be expected, the fluffy isn’t going to poop but the liquids have to come out one way or another.
Narrator: Grant’s strategy is a slow one, but eventually the fluffy gourmet feels the need to use the men’s room.
The fluffy walks into the bathroom, squats down and pushes. It then gets up, walk a small circle and repeats the squatting.
“Why poopie no come?” the fluffy wonders, turning around in place and squatting again.
Narrator: The fluffy is not dropping a load, but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything else either.
The video speeds up, running a timelapse of fluffy walking around, squatting in different spots, and repeatedly complaining about its problems.
Narrator: The derriere-distressed fluffy had a bad day - and night. Grants constipation cookies did a good job keeping the fluffy from doing its usual business, but they also seem to have stopped it from doing other things. Such as breathing.
The timelapse slows down to regular speed, with the now disheveled fluffy lying on its side in the litter with its rear leg propped up in the air.
“Wy nu poopy… tummy haf wowstest huwties…” the fwuffy says between ragged breaths, and eventually stops breathing for good.
Narrator: But the question remains, did any of the fluffies actually take a leak?
Kari: Yeah, the spaghetti fluffy definitely let out some trickle.
Tory: Soup fluffy made poopies AND peepies. I can see why he didn’t make much of a number out of it; with the maelstorm of sewage that is the fluffy bathroom break I doubt he even noticed.
Grant: The cookie fluffy did pee. The sand was wet here and there, it was just much less than you’d expect when you compare it to the typical amount of their poop.
Narrator: Fluffies do indeed pee - it just gets easily eclipsed by their more showy waste evacuations.

Camera switches to Adam Savage, who is goofing around tossing a scared fluffy in the air.
Narrator: Adam’s plan of making a fluffy glide is definitely a showy one.
Adam: I’m going to make a fluffy plane. My plan is to comb Buster Juniors fluff to the sides, press it tight with poop, and when it dries the fluffy should have ten times the wing area Hasbio gave them!
A miserable fluffy strapped down on its stomach in a shallow pan of poopy water complains about hunger as Adam whistles and combs it over with a hairbrush.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Jamie is making his fluffy into an unique little snowflake.
Jamie: It’s hard to make a fluffy fly straight. Even a pegasus that isn’t panicking is going to find a way to turn sideways, backwards, upside down, and just spiral out of control. My plan is to comb the fluff out every way into a fluffy poofball to maximize the wind resistance no matter which way the fluffy falls.
The fluffy on Jamie’s workbench is emanciated, but rather complaining about the smell as the syrupy poop from long spikes of fluff on its head flows into its eyes and nostrils.

Kari, Tory and Grant are once again standing behind a table of fluffies.
Narrator: The Mythbusters have successfully proven that fluffies pee, but that’s just half of the myth.
Kari: What are we going to do with these fluffies now? Didn’t we just prove that the fluffies do pee?
Grant: Yes we did, but technically that wasn’t the whole myth.
Tory: What do you mean?
Grant: Well, we did prove the fluffies pee, BUT we didn’t prove whether they NEED to.
Kari: Come on! They pee! Obviously they need to do it!
Grant: Wanna bet?
Kari: You’re on!

Narrator: Now that fluffies are proven to pee, they mythbusters need to make them stop. Grant prepares new fluffy meals while Tory and Kari plug up the fluffies.
Kari presses a hot glue gun to a fluffy stallions sheath and squeezes the trigger.
Kari: Sorry little guy!
She grins sheepishly while the fluffy screams in complete agony. “Nuu! Buwny huwties! Wowstest buwny huwties! Peepee pwace huwties!”
Tory finishes injecting hot glue into the last mares vagina and sets her down in a box with other crying fluffies.
Grant brings a new set of dishes: two filled with spaghetti and two with soup.
Tory: No cookies this time?
Grant: Not this time. We need to see whether fluffies can survive without peeing, and we can’t do that if they die of constipation. On these plates we have one set of regular meals, and another spiced with laxatives to get as much liquids as possible out the rear exit.
The camera switches to miniature restaurants again, where the fluffies are notably less excited about food as they cry about their hurting nether regions.
Eventually the fluffies start eating with tears still in their eyes.
Narrator: Once again the meals go down, but the Mythbusters are looking forward to the post-meal bathroom break for a completely opposite reason.
Camera switches to the first bathroom, where a fluffy again rushes in to squat. “Fwuffy make good poopies!” it declares to no one in particular.
The view skips to another fluffy going to the bathroom, and another one that obviously got the laxatives. It is spewing poop from its butthole even as it stumbles in crying inconsolably about being a bad fluffy.
Narrator: Waiting for a fluffy to pee didn’t take too long. Waiting for effects from NOT peeing turns out to take a lot longer.
The camera runs a speedlapse of fluffies going back and forth between eating and pooping, until slowing down when the first fluffy starts noticing something is wrong.
“Huuhuu… peepee pwace huwties!” a green fluffy says during one of its bathroom breaks.
Tory leans in closer, but the fluffy just poops a little and heads back to the meal room to play away from the smell.
The timelapse continues for a while before slowing down again, as the fluffy suddenly crouches in the middle of the restaurant and yells miserably.
“Huu! Tummy huwties!”
The Mythbusters hop up from their chairs and rush excitedly to watch the fluffy.
The fluffy crouches lower, crying in pain. The Mythbusters watch as the fluffy slowly lays down and sobs.
Narrator: The first fluffy goes down from a burst bladder. It looks like fluffies need relief as much as any other creature. Laxatives or not, one by one the pressure brings the fluffies to their knees.
The rest of the fluffies deaths are shown in quick succession, and the camera switches to mythbusters standing behind a now empty table.
Kari: See Grant? I told you!
Grant: Yeah. I thought that they peed so little it wouldn’t even matter.
Tory: At least we learned new disgusting facts about the fluffies!
Kari: Hey!
Grant: Well, as for whether fluffies pee? Yes. Do they need to pee? Yes. I’d say the myth is busted.
Tory: Busted.
Kari: Busted.
The camera cuts to a short shot of a fluffy being branded with a red hot “Busted” sign.

Camera cuts to outside the building, where Adam and Jamie have finished customizing their fluffies.
Narrator: The flying fluffy -myth is nearing its hour of judgement. Adam had tuned Buster Junior into an aerodynamic glider, while Jamie’s special snowflake may well be the poofiest fluffy ever. They’d be worth taking to a fluffy show - if it wasn’t for the smell.
Adam: Didn’t you name yours?
Jamie: I don’t think fluffies are long-lived enough to get attached to.
Adam gets in the crane basket and starts rising, holding his flattened fluffy carefully away from his body.
Buster Junior weakly begs for food.
Jamie: You may be wondering why we’re not using pillowfluffs to reduce the weight, especially considering how weak the fluffy legs are. Well the myth specifically said that when he got downstairs the fluffy was happily playing outside, which is something a pillowfluff could never do.
Eventually Adam gets to 30 feet and holds Buster Junior outside the basket.
Adam: The flight of the fluffy, Buster Junior edition! GO!
Adam tosses the fluffy as far as he can. Its flight starts off horizontally, but suddenly pitches down and nosedives into the asphalt.
Adam: Ooh, hahaha!
The crash is replayed a couple of times from different angles before Jamie gets in the crane with his fluffy.
Narrator: Starved fluffy covered in feces may not sound ambitious, but for a moment, Buster Junior was the best flier in all fluffydom. Will Jamie’s poofball break the record, or better yet, survive?
Jamie holds his fluffy outside the basket.
Jamie: Flight of the fluffy, the fluffy snowflake edition, go!
Jamie lets go of the fluffy, which falls straight down screaming in terror. It falls marginally slower than a regular fluffy and hits the ground butt-first, but with a crack of breaking bones its rear legs bend up in an unnatural angle.
Adam: Whoa! Did he make it?
Adam and the cameraman rush in to check the fluffy.
Adam: Is he alive? Aww, he’s not breathing.
Narrator: Try as they might, even the mythbusters cant make a fluffy fly. The myth of a fluffy surviving a 30 foot drop? Busted.
The view switches to a short cut of a heavy “Busted” sign falling on top of a fluffy.
End credits roll as Adam and Jamie walk away from the smashed fluffy carcasses, casually joking about flight safety.

The End

28 Likes

(sigh) Kari Byron…
:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:
In a waitress costume??
:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:x​:100:!

5 Likes

My love for Mythbusters has sparked yet again!!

3 Likes

Fluffies. Death. And Mythbusters? This is great.

4 Likes

RIP Grant

5 Likes

i did not know i needed this in my life. now i dont think i can live without it. it was just like a real episode. loved every single bit. this was a masterpiece. congratulationssss. perfect really

2 Likes

Great story but, uh, pee doesn’t come from the vagina; there’s a third hole, the urethra.

(That said, i suppose fluffies are such a weird chimera that maybe they patched the urethra through the vagina, who knows)

I know, but it’s much easier to just fill up the whole hole along the way. Especially with creatures as small as fluffies.

2 Likes

That’s mostly for mammals; ie. live-breeding animals.

Egglayers (and monotremes and marsupials)
Have one opening, the cloaca.

However, since Fluffies (like you said) are a genetic mishmash, they could have a cloaca.

3 Likes

Surprised they didn’t try a few tests for the flight where a person didn’t observe them but it was still recorded so they could test for their ability to break physics as the reason they were unscathed.

ie- fluffy flees out the window believing it will get to safety. Teleports while unobserved to the ground. Feels safe and starts playing in the yard. Owner exits and observes fluffy playing.

2 Likes

Rest in Peace Grant

1 Like

Also this genuinely reads likr a mythbusters episode

1 Like