March 5th, 2021: I genuinely do want to write more of these guys someday. It’s a fun idea I just never feel in the mood for it. Anyway here’s my first use of “Baxter” before I gave it to a much more used OC later.
Your name is Ratchet and you are important. You are the chief nummy finder for your herd, and it’s a job you take seriously. Recently, your herd came across a hoomin waaaay out in the tree places and, much to everyone’s surprise, he was a nice hoomin! He gave the herd sketties and good wawa and even huggies for some of you.
You don’t trust him.
You’re the Nummy Finder. You feed the herd! If the herd is only getting nummies from this hoomin, then what are you? You shudder to think about it. The idea of being replaced in your own herd, by a hoomin no less, makes your leggies feel heavy and your see places moist. No! You’re Ratchet! Your mummah was the prettiest silver fluffy of all time! And your daddeh was such a good smarty friend that he saved everyfluffy by leading the charge into the Big Scary Tree Place. The herd had been scared, but as a young nummie finder you knew trees meant more and better nummies. Plus, no hoomins!
It was sad when your daddeh went forever sleepies, but he was okay. He’d lived a long life and seen all his bestest friends prosper. He’d raised nine beautiful children and never even joked about putting any of you in charge. “Smawty babbehs am gud babbehs. Daddeh wub ‘ou. But babbehs nu can wun hewd. Hewd nu bewong tu Chokwit. Hewd nu bewong tu Chokwit famiwy. Hewd bewong tu hewd. Hewd wiww fin’ bestes’ smawty fwend.” Your bruddas and sissies all cried, but daddeh had raised you right. He taught you to always think of the good of the herd first. He taught that if every fluffy always did what would help other fluffies, the world wouldn’t be so meanie all the time.
You miss your father. You miss his gruff voice. You miss knowing that, whatever else happened, he’d have the answer. Despite what your father had said, your older brother Baxter was made Smarty Friend after the smarty who replaced your daddeh was killed saving the herd from some kind of giant barky munstah. It wasn’t nepotism, your brother is more your father’s son than you could ever hope to be. Even if he’d never admit it. Humility is part of what makes him good at leading.
But now? Now you’re not so sure.
You’ve stomped into the woods, alternating between huuhuuing and making biggest stompies on dummeh nu taste pwetty gwassy nummies to get out your frustration. How could Baxter do this? He’s trusting some hoomin? He’s getting nummies from the hoomin and not from his own brother who is the Bestest Nummy Finder? It makes your thinky place hurt. You’ll show him. You’ll show them all. You’ve got a secret. A secret that has made you an even better nummy finder.
You can smell bestest mushy nummies. You can even smell which ones make fluffies have sicky wawas and which ones don’t. Today is the third day you’re following your Mushy Smell Place and if it hits mushies again today, that’ll be all the evidence you need to tell Baxter and the rest of the herd.
Dummeh hoomin is gonna cry when bestest Smarty Baxter doesn’t need him anymore!
There they are. You’ve found them. Delicious mushy nummies. You could smell them from almost all the way back at the nu grassy path by the Big Bushy Place that the herd has been sleeping. Now you can see them, and it’s just what you’d hoped for. Thin mushies with a bunch of holes in them. White. And there’s so many you won’t be able to carry them all! The last couple days you’d found one or two, but there are way more than you can count here. You can only count to four, sure, but that’s no matter. You pluck some of the nummiest looking ones and excitedly scamper back through the woods.
Being a Nummy Finder is about more than finding nummies. It’s also about being able to find those nummies again, and to tell other fluffies how to find the nummies. See, that’s what Baxter doesn’t understand. The hoomin has nummies, and he’s been giving nummies to the herd, but he isn’t helping the herd find nummies. You’ll explain it. You’ll finally convince him.
You strut back into the No Tree Place where the bush and the hoomin metal housie are. The hoomin is on the porch stirring a big pot of…something. Smells good. This is gonna make your argument tougher. You spot Baxter, and make your move.
“Baxtew! Bwudda Baxtew! Watchet finded bestes’ mushy nummies! Finded suuuu much dis time! Watchet gunna show Baxtew! Come wook!” Baxter perked up, but oh no! The Dummy Hoomin is coming too! You almost panic, but you calm down. Come on, Ratchet. You’ve got this. You’re the son of Mariella and Chocolate, two of the best fluffies ever! This hoomin can’t trick you!
Baxter is immediately thrilled. “Bwudda! Nu could fin’ bwudda eawiew! Nice Mistuh nu see whewe bwudda gu, but Baxtew say you pwobawwy jus findin nummies! Wub gud mushie nummies, fankyu Watchet! Smawty Baxtew wub bwudda Watchet!” Your brother embraced you in a big hug. You cried, but it was happy wawa this time. You almost forgot your plan.
Almost.
“Bwudda? Can…can hewd weabe nao? Watchet…Watchet finded gud nummies fo’ hewd! Nu…nu nee’ hoomin nu mowe?” Baxter pulled back. He looked puzzled. “Wah? Nu unnastan? Hoomin am gud fwend to hewd!” Shit. He wasn’t getting it. Before you could interject, that damned hoomin butts in.
“Holy shit Ratchet, you found those? Those Morels are enourmous!” You snort derisively. “See bwudda? Dummeh hoomin nu eben knu mushy nummies! Pwease bwudda, nu wepwace Watchet. Nu make hoomin nyu Nummy Findew fo hewd…” Your confidence had eroded. You found yourself unable to boast or brag. Your brother’s reaction and the human’s ongoing ignorance of basic fucking nummies had taken it out of you so much you didn’t even try to interrupt the hoomin.
“Wait, what? No Ratchet, don’t be silly. I’m not replacing you. I have lots of…nummies? Yeah. Nummies is the word. Anyway I have lots of them but they’re not very tasty. They don’t have a lot of stuff you guys like to eat. They’re all human nummies.” You reeled. What was he saying? “Am…wat am hoomin say?”
He chuckles. “Dude, can you find more of those mushrooms?” Ugh. Dummeh hoomin. At least this name had “mush” in it, so he’s closer. “Ob cowse! Watchet am Nummy Findew. Dat mean Watchet gu fin’ bestest nummies in twee pwace and bwing to hewd, den hewp hewd su hewd can gu back to nummies pwace and Watchet can gu fin’ mo nummies pwaces! Watchet da bes at find mushy nummies. Watchet smeww dem wif smeww pwace.” The human actually looked shocked this time. “Really? You’ve found these before?” Baxter spoke up this time. “Uh huh! Watchet bwing wittwe mushy nummies wast twu bwite times, but dese am bigges’ mushy nummies ebaw saw!” The human nods.
“Well Ratchet, how would you like to bring me along next time you go Mushy Hunting? Maybe I can help carry more mushies?” Holy shit it’s a miracle. Dummeh hoomin not only realized how much better at nummy finding you are but he’s even using the right name! Finally. Maybe the hoomin can help after all, with your patient guidance, of course.
“Watchet fink dat gud finky pwan. Watchet hewp hoomin weawn tu fin’ nummies su dummeh hoomin nu be hungwy.”
Fuck yeah. You are such a good Nummy Finder.