You’re a zookeeper. Its a cool fucking job. You love animals, love the atmosphere, and…tolerate the pay. Eh, its a living.
Anyway, you come in early one morning to start your shift. Today its only a 7-12 shift, so you get to go home early.
As you enter the reptile house, your fav place to work by the way, reptiles are fucking awesome, you hear a strange noise.
An annoying noise.
“Fwuffy in da scawey fwiends housies, fwuffy doin dancies, fwuffy du da poopies, yay yay yay!”
Jesus fuck are you kidding me. How did a shitrat get in here?
You round the corner to see a blue earthie fluffy with a black mane. He’s sitting on his fat ass and dancing. And by dancing you mean that he’s just wobbling back and forth while he twirls his legs in circles in the air.
Oh yeah, and shit is EVERYWHERE. Literally everywhere. Its on the floor, its on the walls, its in the drain in the middle of the floor.
It’s on the FUCKING ceiling somehow! The fucking ceiling!!!
“Scawey fwiend housie is nice an wawmsies. Gud fo fwuffy! Fwuffy suuuuuuuu smawt tu sneek in! Fwuffy du gud poopsies tu! Am gud fwuffy! Mebbe fwuffy get nyu homesies hewe?”
This little fuckface was proud of this. You know, at first you were just gonna maybe smack his ass a bit and then kick him out with a warning that if he came back, he WOULD be killed. But this. This idiot shit on…everything, and the fact that he was PROUD of it?
Yeah, he’s fucking dead.
“No you aren’t.”
He slowly turns his head, staring at you with his stupid little eyes. “Hewwo hoomun! Wiww yuu be nyu daddeh? Gib huggies? Gib pway? Gib toysies? Ooh oh ohh ohh, gib SKETTIS?!!!” His face lit up upon saying skettis. Those worthless fucks loved that shit.
“No.”
“Wha nut? Fwuffy am gud fwuffy! Nee huggsies an pway an SKETTIS.”
“Because you shit everywhere. This was SUPPOSED to be an easy shift where I just look after my animal buddies. But since you SOMEHOW got in here, SOMEHOW shit everywhere, and SOMEHOW are stupid enough to think that you deserve a reward after all that, I gotta clean all of this trash up.”
The blue fluffy looked sad for a moment, tears forming in his eyes. “Huuuu huuu, bu bu bu bu, fwuffy NEE nyu daddeh! Pweaaaasssseeeee, be nyu daddeh fo fwuffy?”
“Never.” You then picked him up, causing him the wriggle in fear, somehow even MORE shit and piss spewing out of his anus onto the hard floor.
“Wook daddeh! Fwuffy du gud poopsies and pee pees! Hehehehehe, am gud fwuf-” You silenced him with a rough punch to the face, shattering his nose and making him scream bloody murder.
Ignoring him, you brought him into the back and placed him in the sink, washing him off while slapping him harshly in the face every few seconds.
Screaming and crying about “Smeww pwace huwties!!! Wawa bad fo fwuffy! Nuuuuuuuu! Nyu daddeh stahp gibbin hwuties tu fwuffy, nuuuuuuuuuu!” you washed him and squeezed him until he was clean and emptied of shit.
“Time to meet your new friend.”
You walked him behind the scenes until you opened a door that led to a sand riverbank with a large pool in the middle.
“Gib…gib fwuffy fwiends? Yaaaaaayyyy! Nyu daddeh wub fwuffy! Is daddeh sowwy fo gibbin huwties tu gud fwuffy?”
“No. Never. I really hope this is long and painful.” You then dropped him straight into the pool. As he fell, you could see his expression of joy turn to an expression of terror very quickly.
“Hey Gamera. You get a snack today!”
It didn’t take the fluffy long, as he sank into the warm depths of the pool, to meet Gamera the Aligator Snapping Turtle.