"The Intergalactic Tournament" Quarterfinals: Luxi Vs. L'arri by NobodyAtAll

Quarterfinals: Iku Vs. Iyatagg

As the fighters enter the ring, L’arri, skinny for a Martian and clad in a dark green leisure suit, gives Master Luxi a look.

“So, old-timer, I gotta ask. What are you gonna wish for if you win?”

A smile appears on Luxi’s wizened face.

“I think I’ll wish to be young again. I’ve had a crick in my back for the last five decades, y’know.”

The smile becomes lecherous.

“And I was quite a looker in my younger days! The women were all over me! Eh heh heh! Treasure your youth, Sonny Jim! When you’re as old and wrinkly as me, no girl will want to kiss you!”

L’arri shrugs.

“I feel that. If I win, I’ll wish to be the most desirable man in the universe.”

“The fight between Luxi and L’arri will commence in three… two… one… AND BEGIN!!!”

“Well, you heard him. Let’s get started, young man. Go easy on me, my joints aren’t what they used to be…”

L’arri grins.

“Sorry, old-timer, but I want that wish.”

L’arri charges at the elderly Lumixian, who calmly watches him approach.


When L’arri attempts to land the first blow…


Luxi dodges it without even trying.

“Joke’s on you, Sonny Jim.”


A wrinkled fist to the gut sends the Martian flying.

Pierre rubs his chin in contemplation, as L’arri gets back up.

“Hmm… Luxi’s dodging skills are sublime. I’d suspect him of using Mindless Mind, but with that, ah…”

Victor helpfully chimes in.

“Shameless perversion? Trust me, I know a pervert when I see one.”

It’s Victor, he sees a pervert every time he looks in the mirror.

“Thank you, old friend. But with that clouding his mind, I doubt he could achieve that level of mental clarity.”

Jack frowns.

“I still haven’t forgotten Lu-Tze’s number one rule: do not act incautiously when confronting a little bald wrinkly smiling man.”

Lu-Tze’s been coming back to visit, check in on Jack, make sure he hasn’t broken time.

I turn to Jack.

“I’ll keep that in mind if I face Luxi in the ring, Jack.”

L’arri pants, his gut still feeling sore.

“You’re pretty spry for an old guy.”

“Eh heh heh! Being old’s no excuse to be lazy, boy.”

L’arri’s eyes, pure red like most Martians, start glowing, and he blasts heat rays at Luxi from them.


Luxi bends over backwards, the rays zooming over his head.

As he stands up straight, the elderly Lumixian grins.

“If that’s the best you’ve got, you ain’t gonna win.”

A goofy look appears on Luxi’s face, and he stumbles towards L’arri, as if he’s suddenly drunk.

“Um, what are you–”


Luxi clocks L’arri.

L’arri looks furious.

“That’s it! I was gonna be nice about this, because you’re an old guy, but…”

L’arri spontaneously grows a second pair of arms.


I feel my jaw drop when L’arri doubles his number of arms.

The rest of the group’s jaws dropped too, except Pierre and Victor’s, who probably knew about this, and for some reason, they didn’t tell me.

Marley manages to close his mouth, and looks up at me.


“Yeah, Mar?”

“We nee tu git a Maw-shun awn da teem.”

“Well, I think J’onzz’s got a niece who operates as a superhero. She’s flying solo, but I’ll invite her.”

“Dewe haf tu be sumfin she wan, daddeh. If yu jus swee-tun da pot, she wiww say yus.”

I think the phrase “sweeten the pot” might be literal in this case. You know how much Martians like Oreos…

Piccolo turns to us.

“Mebbeh we cud git sum mowe ayy-wee-enns, an put dem awn wun skwad.”

I keep my eyes on the fight. L’arri’s trying to hit Luxi, but even with four arms, he’s missing.

“What, you mean like a squad to deal with extraterrestrial affairs? That’s not a bad idea, Pic. It’s a very good idea. We can’t be everywhere in the universe. We’re busy enough with Earth affairs.”

Piccolo grins.

“Am it skettie tweet gud, daddeh?”

“Y’know what?”

I retrieve two skettie treats from my bag.

“You both get a skettie treat, because you’ve both contributed good ideas.”

All of our other fluffies start brainstorming ideas, hoping to earn a skettie treat too.

I’m not gonna reward them for nothing. As much as I’d like to shower all of my fluffies in skettie treats, that encourages the wrong kind of behavior, Deston’s written all about it.

I try to be a good fluffy owner, too.

That, and they’d get fat in no time if I overdid the treats. Those treats are a bit fattening. Pierre tried to formulate healthier treats, but Nikola and Audrey, who taste-tested them, didn’t approve.

Nikola said, according to Pierre, “Dey taste wike footsies.”

Makes you wonder how he knows what feet taste like, Cal.

L’arri keeps swinging at Luxi with four fists, who has a bored look on his face as he dodges every blow.

“Y’know, with sloppy punches like those, I don’t know how you made it this far.”


“Ah, but they won’t work on me. I’m too old and wise to let you hit me, young man. Time to finish this, I reckon.”

Luxi reaches out, placing his hand over L’arri’s heart.

“What are you–”


And blasts L’arri out of the ring with a lightning bolt.



L’arri bounces off the force field, and lands on the grass, wheezing in pain.

His extraneous arms are gone. He’s back to two, now.

“H-holy sh-shit… that s-stopped my heart for a second.”

Luxi strolls over to the edge of the ring, grinning.

“Eh heh heh! I hope you’ve learned your lesson, boy. Never underestimate your elders!”


“Ahh! Oh, there goes my back! I’m gonna have to go lie down…”

Luxi hops out of the ring, heading back to his area.

As Mr. Announcer calls it, we watch Luxi return to his area.

L’arri is being hauled out on a stretcher.

“Goddamn, how many people in this tournament can shoot lightning bolts? It’s getting ridiculous now.”

Marley giggles.

“Daddeh, how manee of us can du dat?”

“You’ve got a point, all of us Omegas have electrokinesis.”

Pierre chuckles.

“It’s not an innate power for Lumixians, unlike Pekka. It’s a technique. It’s called the Thunder Palm, and theoretically, anyone could learn to use it. It requires years of intense training, though.”

Snowball looks up at Pierre.

“Wut if a Hai-dwox-ee-yun weawnd it? Dey am week tu shockies.”

I kneel down again, stroking Snowball.

“You know that Smash game I like to play?”

I’ve been teaching Marley how to play Smash, now that he can turn human and hold a controller.

I expected him to pick a cute character, like Kirby or Pikachu, but Marley went and surprised me by picking Ridley.

And I’m ashamed to admit this, but he can kick my ass with Ridley.

Snowball nods.

“And you know how Pichu hurts itself with a lot of its electric attacks?”

Another nod.

“I imagine that would happen.”

Pierre chuckles again.

“It would be like trying to beat someone to death with a rattlesnake, I reckon.”

Duwen and Scha, seated on a bench, watch Luxi return to his area.

“I’ll be facing that old fool in the ring next.”

“Assuming you can beat Zardor, Duwen.”

Duwen smiles.

“Of course I’m assuming that, Scha. I’m a child of Tenneb. He’s not. The outcome of this fight was decided when the two of us were born. I haven’t lost a fight yet.”

“Yes, you have a point there. You’ll pound that pretty boy to a pulp, and then you’ll put the old man in a home.”

“A funeral home.”

“You haven’t forgotten the rule against killing, have you? Of course, he’s so old, he may very well have a heart attack in the ring. That wouldn’t disqualify you. Unless you gave him that heart attack.”

“Now calling Zardor and Duwen to the ring!”

“That’s my cue. After this, just two more fights.”

Duwen gets up, exiting the area.

“First Zardor. Then Luxi.”

His eyes linger on Calvin.

“Then you, Korkea. That is…”

He smiles smugly.

“If the green man doesn’t beat you first.”

Quarterfinals: Zardor Vs. Duwen