"The Supermarket" by NobodyAtAll

Note: read “Star Road”, “The Warriors Four”, “Keeping Up With The Joneses”, “All That Glitters”, “Two Point Hospital” and “Parks and Recreation” first. Spoilers for the Primal Earth Saga.

Calvin, Marley and Piccolo walk into their local supermarket, their scleras reddish.

“Whew! I dunno about you boys, but I got the munchies bad!

“We bettew huwwy, daddeh. Da uvvas am waitin fow us.”

“Tru dat, Mar.”

Most supermarkets have a policy that the owner is responsible for anything their fluffies do on the premises.

Fortunately, Marley and Piccolo know to behave, and to not num everything they see.

The trio walks down the candy aisle, Calvin pushing a cart.

There’s a generous amount of candy available: chocolate, gummies, liquorice, fudge, taffy, gumballs…

But that’s enough flavor text.

“Ooh, look at these, boys. Jellenheimers.”

Jellenheimers are the result of an attempt to create fluffy-shaped gummies.

For some reason, they come out misshapen, barely resembling fluffies at all, and they all come out red, no matter what colors of food dye are used.

After extensive testing, the Jellenheimers were deemed safe for consumption, and were sold anyway.

Calvin puts a few bags in the cart.

“What kinda chocolate you guys want?”

“Mawwey wike dawk choko-wat.”

This is unusual for a fluffy. Fluffies usually find dark chocolate to be too bitter for their liking.

“Piccowo wan wite choko-wat.”

“Fuck it, we’ll get some of everything.”

In the meat aisle, the Warriors Four and their fluffies are doing their weekly groceries. Well, Kobul doesn’t actually eat anything sold in this supermarket, but he can carry a lot of bags and he’s always happy to help his friends.

Gilius, Reiner and Kobul now share a big house together, with wide doors. Reiner, Kobul and Angus are the only people outside the Bli’kzim-ku’up family who know whether or not Gilius is actually male.

Kobul does his groceries at a troll supermarket, and never has to worry about his housemates eating his food. Except Gilius. There’s a lot of overlap between troll cuisine and dwarf cuisine.

Angus finally asked Deston if it was possible to move his clan’s burial mound into the back garden.

Such a feat was child’s play for Deston.

Gilius seems a bit hesitant.

“I dunno, guys, I’m used to rat…”

Reiner places a hand on Gilius’ shoulder.

“Mate, maybe start with chicken. Everyone who tries an exotic kind of meat says it tastes like chicken, so maybe chicken will taste like rat to you.”

Horace, sitting on the Luggage, chimes in.

“An chikkin am yummiew wen fwied den wat.”

“But it won’t make me sick, will it? My dads always say that chicken makes people sick.”

Angus, sitting on Kobul’s shoulder, shakes his tiny blue head.

“It dinnae make ye sick if’n ye cook it all tha way through, Gilly. Cookin’ it well done kills the Sam and Ellas in it, ye ken.”

Reiner can’t help but laugh.

“It’s salmonella, Angus.”

“Ye mean like yon fishie?”

“Kind of, mate.”

Kobul shrugs.

“We trolls only got one word fer fish. Just like plants. We don’t eat dem, so why make lots o’ words fer dem?”

Gold and Glitter, Gilius’s fluffies, smile up at their daddeh.

Dwarves like fluffies, because, after a lifetime of having to look up at others, and dwarves live a lot longer than humans, they like being on the other side.

“Daddeh had a hawd enuff time at da bake-uh-wee.”

Gilius strokes Gold.

“Yeah, I’m not used to bread being so soft.

Dwarf bread isn’t baked. It’s forged. It never goes stale, because it’s already stale. And a loaf of dwarf bread can keep a man going for weeks, because, compared to dwarf bread, everything else looks like the food of the gods.

There’s a dwarven bakery in the city, too. Next to the museum of dwarven bread.

A dwarf baguette makes for an effective weapon.

Meanwhile, Gene Osborne, aka :heart:♪!?, officer of the Intergalactic Patrol, browses the cookie aisle with his fluffy Roswell. Gene is currently wearing his human disguise, obviously.

“Ooh, look at these. Three kinds of chocolate in one cookie. That’s almost too much chocolate.”

“Dewe am nu such fing as tuu much choko-wat, daddeh.”

“Ha! You’re right, Ros. You know Earth was the only planet with chocolate? Of course, these days it’s everywhere. The entire intergalactic community went nuts for it.”

“A wowwd wif-owt choko-wat am a dawk, cowd wowwd.”

“I can’t argue with you on this, Ros.”

Gene sees another alien customer scooping up packs of Oreos.

The other customer is tall, bald, and green.

“Hey, J’onn. Save some for the other customers, alright?”

J’onn J’onzz, no relation, puts a few packs back.

“Sorry, Gene. Say hi to the boys in silver for me.”

The Intergalactic Patrolmen stationed on Earth like eating at J’onnz’ restaurant, even though he puts Oreos in everything.

But his Oreo milkshakes are the best.

Two halflings carry a large bag of potatoes out of the store by either end.

Yes, they exist too.

They sing to themselves as they leave with their purchase.

:musical_note:Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew…:musical_note:

Kyle Jones and his rasta fluffy Cheech, who are even more stoned than Calvin is right now, stare blankly at packs of hot dogs and hot dog buns.

“Is it just me, Cheech, or are the hot dogs talking to the buns?”

“Dis am sum gud shit we jus smoked, daddeh.”

“Damn right, buddy. God bless Pierre’s greenhouses.”

Kyle has a blipper now too, and has been helping out at the greenhouses.

And Calvin reckons there’s a strong chance that Kyle will cross Threshold X.

As Victor, Scarface and Loana enter the supermarket, the cavewoman’s jaw drops.

“So much food! And no need hunt!”

“Remember, babe, you’ve gotta pay for it.”

“Oh yes, Loana know. Loana have job now!”

“Weawwy? Whewe, Woana?”

Loana explains.

Loana got a job at a slaughterhouse, because back in Ioka Village, that’s how she earns her keep anyway: skinning the prehistoric beasts the hunters bring home for dinner.

Her sister Leela, Andre’s new girlfriend, was a hunter, but now that the two of them and Eira are pregnant, Pierre insisted they stop hunting until after the birth. It’s dangerous work, hunting big ugly beasts from the dawn of time.

But Loana’s commute to her new job is a breeze.

When Calvin and his fluffies make their way to the frozen foods section, they see Calvin’s ex-girlfriend Gilda filling a basket with ice cream and grumbling to herself. She doesn’t seem to notice Calvin.

Gilda is wearing a sweater and slacks, rather than the opulent clothes she wore when married to Scott. The divorce was finalized quickly after Scott’s attorney saw Gilda’s videos on PornHub. Obviously, she doesn’t have those clothes anymore. Scott paid for them, so they were technically his clothes. She’s also not wearing the excessive amounts of makeup she used to wear, because she can’t afford it anymore.

Fucking Cal, thanks to him I’m a single mother because my meal ticket ran out on me. Who does he think he is, sticking his ugly nose into my personal affairs, the goddamn prude…”

Calvin smiles smugly to himself. He may hate his siblings, but he couldn’t help but emphasize with Scott, as he knew exactly what Scott had gone through.

“And now some fucking grit-sucker lawn ornament has my shitrat…”

Grit-sucker and lawn ornament are very bad words for dwarves, just like calling a troll a rock, or calling a black man a certain word that rhymes with trigger.

Calvin glares at Gilda.

“Don’t you dare call my friend that again, Gilda Diggory.”

Gilda turns to Calvin, glaring back at him.


“Oh hello, Chris. I didn’t know you had transitioned.”


“Heh, I had a hunch that your stupid bimbo ass wouldn’t get that.”

“Giwda spen aww bwite time with Giwda head up Giwda poopie pwace.”

“Ha! Mawwey am pwob-ab-wee wite.”

Gilda grabs one of the tubs of Ben & Jerry’s in her basket and throws it at Piccolo.

Marley stops it with telekinesis right before it collides with his Soul Bwuddah’s face.

Then Marley smirks at Gilda, as he levitates the tub back into the basket.

“Ooh, cookie doh. Nice choice. But du Giwda see wut Mawwey meen nao? Dummeh Giwda nu eben knu dat Mawwey can du dis.

Piccolo giggles.

“Du Giwda eben watch da nyoos, ow du Giwda jus spen aww bwite time duin speciaw huggies wif mistahs hu nu am Giwda speciaw fwend?”

Gilda scoffs and storms off.

“Ugh! Shitrats are bad enough when they don’t have superpowers!”

Calvin and his fluffies laugh.

“Good work, boys. Marley, nice save.”

“Fanks, Mawwey.”

“Mawwey cudda just heaw-ed da owwie, but Mawwey nu wike Mawwey hewd gettin owwies.”

“See? Piccowo awways sed dat Mawwey wud be gud smawty.”

“Da wowwd am weady fow mowe smawties wif nu hown.”

“An dat am wut Bwuebewwy awways say.”


glad jellenheimers are just gummies lol

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also i love the small slice of life stories like this. hope theres more after the current saga

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It’s a nice way to wind down between each Saga, so I like doing these side stories. It’s also a good way to explore the fallout of the previous Saga while setting up plot points for the next Saga.

It’s kind of like Order of the Stick, I dunno if you’ve read it.

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uh ohhhh…


i fuckin know that reference…

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