Chapter 4, Diary of a madman
Travis found himself in a dark, hazy, and murky fog, the air so cold that he could see his breath turn into fog and his chest tighten as it grew colder. He couldn’t see anything in front of him, the fog so thick he didn’t know what direction he was going and was so disorienting that he was getting slightly dizzy. It had to be in the middle of the night given the darkness beyond the fog, but he didn’t know where he was. Every so often, everything would almost stretch and blur, almost like when someone smeared a wet painting on a canvas. His head felt head, his eyes heavy and felt scared and disoriented not knowing where he was and was unable to even think any thoughts or say anything. As Travis walked aimlessly, he would suddenly have a vague blurry image flash or movement in front of him, again and again for less than a second, his mind too sluggish to be able to interpret what he thought he might have seen. As he trudged slowly, he heard the faint beeping of a heart monitor echo quietly in a far distance, followed by hysterical crying and screaming that reverberated and echoed so close around him, Travis fell to his knees covering his ears, tears streaming from his eyes.
“SHEEEELBY DON’T LEAVE ME! NOOO!!!” He heard his own voice scream in pure anguish and desperation at a volume that can deafen. It felt like his heart was being torn in half and the blood from it making his chest heavier, he didn’t know if he was in a dream or this was reality.
“WAKE UP! WAKE UP!” he screamed loudly to the ground, his eyes tightly closed, the tears not stopping. His nose was running, his hands and body shaking violently, his teeth chattering loudly, and the top of his neck starting to feel like it was constricting. He looked up at what he believed to be the shy and cried out in desperation, “STOOOOOP!!!” and immediately felt his throat becoming sore and started to lose his voice, his neck growing more tighter.
Travis suddenly heard a raspy wheezing and gasping, like someone was being suffocated right next to him. His eyes widened to the point they felt like they would fall out, his body froze to where the trembling stopped, and every instinct in his body told him, absolutely, absolutely do not look down. He felt what was in front of his knees, he dared not to even look down, he knew what was in front of it just by the mere presence of it.
“N-N-No! NO! NO!!! NO!!!” he cried hysterically, feeling his head very slowly become heavier than lead and little by little, move down. Travis frantically tried moving his dead in any other direction but down, forcing his eyes not to see even a tiny glimpse of what was in front of his knees. With all his might, Travis tried everything in the name of God to move any muscle in his body, but felt like he was completely made of stone, unable to even breathe or move a finger. Travis desperately pleaded with himself just to even be able to turn his head up again even if it was for a second, he began to hyperventilate, no longer able to breathe properly feeling his chest tighten in pain and felt as if he was choking. His mind racing ans scrambling, unable to make any coherent thought, every second felt like the definition of agony. He couldn’t cry, he couldn’t scream. He tried shutting his eyes with every fiber of his being, they were burning from being opened so wide, tearing heavily and red, but they wouldn’t shut. Travis didn’t realize that his eyes finally fell upon what was in front of him, and the moment he realized it, it felt like his mind shattered into a million pieces like glass. He felt the inside of his head shake violently, his mind and soul gone from existing, slowly beginning to embrace the unspeakable, ungodly horrors that were in front of his eyes. He suddenly saw a trembling, weak, small, thin, and bloody white hand come out of the crimson red and weakly brush his left cheek. He felt the hand gently touch his left cheek, leaving a cold wet bloody stain as it slowly slid down back into the crimson red.
His mind finally broke, anything that ever was Travis no longer existed. He felt like was a literal shell of himself, that what he was seeing and experiencing was not real. It was like everything he felt and witnessed was not being seen by his own eyes, that he was watching it all happen like a cruel movie. His mind empty, weightless, the only noise he heard was a muffled monotone ringing. He suddenly exploded into a scream, he couldn’t hear it, only felt it. On his knees, his body sprang open, his head high in the air and his arms out. His mouth opened so wide he thought the corners of his mouth would tear and he felt the rush of air that was supposed to be his scream blast out of his body, but he couldn’t hear it. Suddenly as he was screaming, a bright, blinding white light hit him.
“AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!!” Travis screamed with all the air in his body, and sprang wide awake from his sleep. He sat up straight, still at the clearing with the fluffies, all of them frightened by his scream, and suddenly there was an uproar of crying, whining, defecating, and urinating as a result. The foals scrambling around screeching and running to their mothers, leaving a trail of feces and urine on the dirt, some older fluffies immediately running into a place to hide, trembling in fear, and whatever peace and quiet there was in the forest was not distrubed by Travis. Travis looked around, gasping and tring to reassure himself it was all a dream, looking around and trying to process what he dreamt, and that he was back in reality.
“Twabis! what am wwong! why did 'ou scweam wike that?! am 'ou gib owwies tu, what’s wwong??" Raspberry called out, running to him, and stopping next to his side. All the fluffies also began to slowly approach Travis out of concern, still trembling and mumbling to each other.
“Why do ‘ou think twabis scweamed?” “What happened?" "Did he see somethin’ scawy?" “Am Twabis otay’?” all the fluffies were saying and asking each other after such a rude awakening. Travis looked around to the growing crowd, trying to find Cloud among them, but couldn’t find him. He got up, and scanned the crowd for him.
“Raspberry, where’s Cloud? I need to talk to him, I think something is wrong.” Travis demanded, feeling uneasy, but unsure about what or why.
“Cwoud went wiff othah fwuffies to find nummies in dah fowest, he wiww be back soon, buh what am wwong twabis, why did 'ou wakies wike that? am ‘ou otay’?" Raspberry asked, becoming more worried for Travis. “I-I-I, its, it’s just… I don’t even know how to describe it. Just something feels off and I’m hoping he would at least know something, I hope. Where does Cloud usually go in the forest?”
Raspberry thought for a moment and replied with, “Cwoud an’ dah othah fwuffies usuawwy go that way, buh fwuffy nu know whewe.” the red fluffy responded by facing and nodding his head to his left to a what looked like a denser part of the forest. There were more trees and thicker vegetation that looked slightly darker than the rest of the surrounding area. Travis looked in the direction, wondering if he would be wandering around the forest for a while, possibly missing them or even getting lost. “Raspberry, can you help me find them? I don’t know the woods well and I don’t want to get lost out there.” Travis asked, to which Raspberry nodded. Travis turned to the direction Raspberry pointed and began to quickly walk while walking and tip-toeing around fuffies of all sizes curious as to what was going on or where they were going. When Travis and Raspberry finally got out of the crowd, Travis broke into a light jog with Raspberry quickly running behind him.
About ten minutes have passed into the direction Raspberry pointed them at as Raspberry was panting heavily behind Travis and beginning to slow down and lose steam.
“Twabis, Waspbewwy, pant nee’ pant, to west.” the small red fluffy said weakly and immediately fell to a slump to catch its breath. Travis was about a foot or two ahead of him, when we stopped too, putting his hands on his knees panting and trying to wipe the sweat away from his eyes. “Yeah.” he said, breathing heavily. He slowly walked to Raspberry and sat cross legged next to him, both trying to catch their breath. “How. pant How far do you think they are?” Travis asked, wiping sweat away from his forehead. Raspberry panted heavily for a few moments, trying to take gulps of air, his wings fluttering in increments as if to cool himself off. “I-I- pant nu know. Wet waspbewwy twy pant to smeww them” the exhausted fluffy replied. Raspberry slowly got on all fours, pointed his head in the air and sniffed the air for a few seconds. “I think… maybe dey am not faw. Somewhewe ahead.”
Travis finally took the time to get a better look at the area around them and began to wonder why Cloud would come to this part of the forest. It looked even darker than when they were outside of this part, the trees looked thicker, older and taller, their crowns so thick and spread out that they were overlapping with other nearby trees blocking more sunlight, there was an overabundance of bushes all over, and the air even felt colder as a result.
“Hey Raspberry… why does Cloud come to this part of the forest? Do any other fluffies come here?” Travis asked to look around the area more. Raspberry began to regain his energy and breath enough to be able to stand on his hooves again. “Am not too suwe. I think cwoud comes hewe fo’ piece an’ quiet, ow to be awone wiff some fwuffies. Some fwuffies do come hewe sometimes, fo’ some nummies, buh not wot.” Raspberry replied. Travis took in the environment again, something about it was picking in his mind. He didn’t know if he felt like something about this part of the forest was familiar, or there was some kind of importance here, he just had a gut feeling about it. “Let’s get going, we can go slowly to Cloud and when we get to him we can rest.” Travis said getting up and began to walk. Raspberry started to follow closely behind him, looking around the forest as a feeling of fear began to creep onto him.
Almost another ten minutes later, Raspberry began to sniff the air and stopped. “Travis, they’re somewhere here.” Raspberry said, stopping and trying to locate where they are. Travis stopped and looked around trying to catch any colors that stood out in the forest. He scanned the area trying to look for anything that might be a clue when he caught a glimpse of what looked like light blue fur about some ten or twenty feet away from them.
“Hey, I think I found them.” Travis said, approaching what he saw. Raspberry and him walked closer to the light blue fur to find a group of about a dozen fluffies gathered in a spread out circle with Cloud among them. They were all silent, almost motionless with their eyes closed, but there were still signs of breathing as if they were in a trance or sleep. “Are they asleep or something?” Travis asked Raspberry, Raspberry gave somewhat of a shrug unsure as well. “Cwoud, am ‘ou aww asweep?" Raspberry asked, slightly nudging the unconscious Cloud with his right hoof on his side. Cloud stirred only slightly, but remained the same otherwise. “Does Cloud or the other fluffies do this Raspberry?” Travis asked crouching to a purple fluffy with a dark purple main and a small horn, slightly poking its head with his right index finger. “Dis am dah fiwst time waspbewwy has seen dis. Fwuffy nu know what dey am doin’.” Raspberry replied. Raspberry slowly walked up to the light blue fluffy and poked its side with his horn. The light blue fluffy immediately woke up in a panic letting out an ear piercing “SCREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” while urinating where it sat and the other fluffies woke up in a panic as well, screaming, a few crying, and either urinating or defecating where they were. The whole forest filled with the sound of screaming fluffies screaming at frequencies that would be inaudible to human ears.
“What am dah meanin’ of dis?!” Cloud demanded waking up last trying to calm down the commotion looking at Travis and Raspberry. Even with his eyes covered, Travis still felt Cloud’s anger and annoyance piercing through his gray hair into his soul.
“Cloud ! We were looking for you in the forest and we found you all like this and were making sure you were ok! I was looking, or well, Raspberry helped, so we were looking for you because I feel something is wrong. I do not know how to put it, but I saw something last night, and I had a nightmare of something and I need your help.” Travis quickly explained feeling the other fluffies staring angrily at him as well. “What did ‘ou see an’ what am nightmawe?" Cloud asked, getting up slowly, his focus on Travis. Travis tried to wrap his mind around what he saw last night with Raspberry’s foals, trying to make sense of something he thought he knew it was, but also had doubts about it. “I thought.” Travis replied, but paused. “I thought- I thought…. I thought I saw someone I knew. And a nightmare is a bad and usually scary dream.” Travis answered, feeling anxious with the idea of having to further explain what happened. The idea of having to explain to a horse with somewhat the mind of a child what he felt felt so surreal to him. Cloud stood for a moment, thinking.
“Fwuffies, Cloud nee’ to speak to Twabis awone. Waspbewwy, go wiff them as weww, we wiww be back when we am done." Cloud ordered, all of the other fluffies nodded their heads and quickly left the two. Travis watched as Raspberry left the others, feeling a bit alone and worried without him being there by his side.
“Sit wiff Cwoud.” Cloud said slowly lowering himself. “Who was it that ‘ou saw wastes’ dawk time. Cwoud, thought anf fewt somethin’ was wwong wiff 'ou.” Travis also sat down in a cross legged position, thinking hard and his heart racing and feeling anxious slowly accessing parts of his psyche that probably he should leave untouched. “I-I-I think it was someone I knew. Like they were important or I knew them, but seeing them, I couldn’t remember. It was a little girl laughing and playing.” Travis replied, feeling himself wanting to tear up, his chest heavy and his throat tight. Why was this getting to him?
“And in the dream, I was in a forest almost like this but more scary. And I was on the ground, I couldn’t move. I would get flashes of things happening, of people, but I didn’t know who they were or make out what was really happening in those flashes. I think they could have been memories of my life, things that happened. I kept crying for someone named Shelby, and-and-and.” Travis said he was going to explode into a crying fit if he finished his sentence. He clenched his fist tight, a heavy lump in his throat, and his eyes started to stream a little. “I-I-I think this Shelby reached out to me dying. The blood on her!!” Travis cried exploding into tears and began covering his face, the tears flowing between his fingers onto the ground, he almost began to hyperventilate from how much he was crying. Cloud quietly observed Travis breakdown, unsure how to reassure or comfort him as he couldn’t believe a being of that size was able to cry like a newborn foal.
“She was a fucking child! A little fucking girl! Oh my god the blood all over her face and the meat everywhere! Why did she look like that?!? Why a fucking child?!?” Travis cried at the top of his lungs to the sky feeling he was breaking down. His mind was like a swarm of angry bees, mucus running down his nose, his eyes red and burning from the constant waterfalls of tears running down his face, and having to gasp for breath. “Bweathe twabis beathe. It was bad dweam. ‘ou am hewe wite nao, bweathe." Cloud said, trying to reassure Travis.
“Twabis, ‘ou am suffewin’. Cwoud think somethin’ am wwong too. Cloud thought it was onwy Cloud, buh othah fwuffies fewt somethin’ wwong too. We thought we had mummahs an’ daddehs, buh we nu can wemembah them. Some fwuffies an’ Cloud think we did hab mummahs an’ daddehs since we see othah fwuffies hab babbehs wike Waspbewwy, buh we nu wemembah anythin’ of ouws ow eben whewe we came fwom. We began to weawize that we nu know how we got to dah fowest ow whewe dah othews came fwom. An’ when ‘ou came, that am when we fewt somethin’ was bewy wwong. We nebah hab seen anythin’ buh fwuffies in dis fowest, nebah dah ani-maws ‘ou towd us about, buh suddenwy we found ‘ou. Some fwuffies an’ fwuffy think ‘ou hab somethin’ to do wiff it, that can answah aww ouw questions. We stawted to come to dis pawt of dah fowest as somethin’ towd us we must come hewe an’ sweepies, buh not faww asweep. We nu know why ow how, buh it was aww we had.” Cloud explained trying to calm down Travis. Travis slowly began to calm down from his outburst listening to what Cloud said.
“I am somehow involved with this?” he thought to himself. “What do you think this means Cloud? Like, if you don’t know where all of you came from and have no idea about it, what do you think? I realized there are some things you have no idea or concept of like death, animals, or music, yet you know enough about the English language and what your names are to name yourselves. Like, what does your name mean Cloud?” Travis asked, wiping the mucus and tears away from his face. Cloud thought for a moment, even with his eyes covered, Travis felt the gears in the tiny fluffy’s head turning with perplexity.
“Cwoud’s name am dah fwuffie things in dah sky. Cwoud do not know how Cwoud know that. Dewe am somethings in dah fowest that we stiww nu know what dey am, cawwed, ow do, yet. Yet, we know what nummies am an’ cawwed to name each othah fwom it.” Cloud paused for a moment to think of what to say next. “Twabis, what am death?"
Travis sat in silence for a moment, not wanting to have another crying fit and having to look into parts of his mind that will probably trigger something. At the same time, the idea of explaining something as complicated as death to a creature that has no comprehension of it or even animals seems like a difficult task. Travis sat for a moment thinking his words carefully and finally spoke.
“Death. Death is when something is living, you, I, animals, even the trees and grass around us, well, um. They, um, stop living. Like for plants, when they die, they turn brown and withered and can no longer grow. But for humans like me, and animals, and I guess fluffies too, when you die.” Travis paused, forcing the tears back.
“It’s like, it’s like you fall asleep and never wake up. No matter what you do to wake them up, they will never wake up. Their body also begins to decay, which means say this is how we look right now. But in time, our bodies begin to fall apart and stink, and someday, all that will be left is bones. There are many, many ways for a lying being to die, but once you do, you will never come back.” Travis explained, his mind blank, part of him suppressing any thoughts or what could be memories, and another part racking his brain to explain something that is almost self explanatory. Cloud thought for a moment about what Travis said.
“Cwoud knows what ‘ou am tawkin’ about. We fwuffies caww deawff foweba sweepies. Fwuffies sometimes go to sweepies, buh nebah wakies nu mattah how we twy. Why do wibin’ beings die twabis?” Cloud asked like a curious child. Travis sat for a moment, thinking for an answer to that, something even science struggles to fully explain.
“I-I don’t really know Cloud besides what I told you. Nothing lasts forever and nothing can live forever. Not the plants, trees, you and I. We don’t even know where life comes from or what causes life. We don’t know everything, and it’s one of those things that maybe can never be answered, but devoting time into it will not accomplish or change anything. It’s like someone being shot by a poison arrow who refuses treatment until he learns who shot him, why, the bow used, the type of arrow used, the type of poison and similar details. Well, first off, an arrow is a sharp stick that is meant to kill something from a distance using a bent stick called a bow, and poison is a, well, think of poison as something that slowly kills you if you eat or touch it. Now the point of that parabel is it insists on concentrating on what is most important, suffering and how to overcome it. At least that’s what someone once told me, and it kind of reflects what’s going on here. We are focused on the smaller, minute details rather than the real problem at stake. We need to find out what exactly is going on with me, how all of this and you came to be since you believe there is a connection, and most importantly, why all this. You can argue this is part of those smaller minute details, but the same questions you asked is what I was wondering as well. I want to get to the bottom of this somehow and get me home.” Travis explained, feeling his crying fit was now over, and for the most part fully calmed down. Cloud sat in amazement at what Travis said, thinking about what every detail meant and the meaning behind every word and point. Cloud may be the wisest fluffy of the herd, but with what Travis said, made him feel like his knowledge and understanding of the world around him was only a grain of sand on a beach.
“‘Ou am wite Twabis, we hab to focus on gettin’ to dah bottom of aww dis. We nee’ to know whewe fwuffies an’ ‘ou came fwom an’ why we am hewe wite nao. We nee’ to find out why dewe am onwy fwuffies an’ ‘ou onwy in dis fowest an’ why dah way we am. Am dewe am connection to aww of dis an’ maybe youw dweams hab can be pawt of dis. Cloud know dis sounds wike findin’ ebewythin’ buh dah twuth, buh we hab to find what we can an’ get 'ou home. Buh dah pwobwem am, how? we nu eben know whewe fwuffies came fwom ow whewe ‘ou came fowm an’ why 'ou nu wemembah many things, whewe do we wook ow begin?”
Travis thought, he didn’t think how complicated it really would be to find clues since they didn’t know where to begin. He looked around the forest around him, the light becoming dimmer and the area they were in looking darker and the air feeling colder. The howl of the wind sounded menacing through the trees and something in him was telling him time was of the essence. “I don’t know Cloud, it seems like a huge and impossible task for a human and fluffies to figure out, but we must work together. I have a feeling a good place to start would begin with where the herd is. How did you find the place and why did you choose to live there? When did you start living there?” Cloud recoiled slightly at the question, never thinking about that and his little mind scrambling for answers.
“Cwoud-Cwoud does not know! how did fwuffies eben find dah twee? How does Cwoud not know? Cwoud does not know ow wemembah how we found that spot of dah fowest, Cwoud nebah thought about that!" Cloud responded quickly, getting on all fours as fast as his frail old bones could get him. Travis slowly got up, gently put his right arm under Cloud’s soft, warm and gray old fur, and slowly picked him up and held him like a baby with his left forearms tucked under for support. “I’ll carry you from here! We have to get the whole herd involved as well, every fluffy counts in helping with this. We will tell them when we get there. But Cloud, I’ve been meaning to ask.” Travis said, starting to walk, holding Cloud somewhat tight. “If you have a concept of death and know what it is, what do you think happens when you die?”
Cloud looked around at the world below him never being up at a height like how he is in his life. Cloud looked up at Travis over his left shoulder. “Weww, Cloud nu know about dah othah fwuffies, buh Cwoud bewiebes that ebewythin’ that dies, am bown again, eithah into somethin’ diffewent ow dah same. An’ maybe what we do when we am awibe, can affect us when we am bown again.” Travis thought for a moment what he said, for something that has a little and basic understanding of the world, that is a very powerful and interesting thing for a fluffy to think. Where he thought or got a belief like that, is probably best left a mystery.