Well
at least we know wich is the baby that will stay in that home
mares usually love sensible babies so i guess nothing bad will hapen
unless…
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“What do you fear most in the world?”
“The possibility that love is not enough.”
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i mostly fear running out of money,but i guess is just a default fear that comes with being born in a third world country (???)
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I kinda hope there will be a continuation cuz im kinda invested in what happens next
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Great start to a new series, your stories are such engaging reads!
I’ll have to send you one of the Diet “Milkies Time” boxes I’ve been working on for little ‘teal’; it’s formula specially made for overweight and SBS foals 
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I have a feeling sweetcorn might not like the sensitive babbeh
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This has the makings of an excellent story start! Please write more!
That said, please be more restrained with your use of question marks. They are almost exclusively for a character asking or thinking a question. This may include the author directly questioning the reader, but this is rare and seems old-fashioned nowadays.
For example, with this passage, all three question marks are inappropriate.
Remember, question marks are for someone asking or thinking a question, not for emphasis or affectation or, as is the case here, a question in the narration of a character.
Here’s how I would recommend re-writing the above passage without the inappropriate question marks:
So when it came time to potentially have the earthie spayed, Liz couldn’t bring herself to do it. She remembered the pain not being able to have a child left her with. Even though Sweet Corn was just a fluffy, Liz couldn’t take the possibility of being a mother away from her. Now Liz watched the little earthie mare rocking and singing to her tummy babies and it brought something that had been lacking in her life for so very long. A smile.
For two of these, it was actually perfectly appropriate to just use a comma. For the third one, ‘And now?’ is not a complete sentence, really serves no purpose beyond adding an awkward emphasis, and actually is far more likely to slow down the story’s pacing and potentially even confuse the reader.
There are also a few awkward phrasings that hurt the pacing and one that is very nearly a garden path sentence/phrase (I’ve added a link for a more thurough definition, but it basically means that the sentence tricks the reader into misreading it, in the passage it is the ‘pain not being able to have’ phrase) Stylistically, I would re-write the passage as follows:
So when the time came to consider having the earthie spayed, Liz couldn’t bring herself to do it. She remembered the pain from not being able to have a child of her own. Even though Sweet Corn was just a fluffy, Liz couldn’t risk putting her fluffy through the same trauma. As Liz watched the little earthie mare rocking and singing to her tummy babies, it brought her something that she had been badly lacking for so very long; a smile.
Please let me know if you have any questions, I won’t just edit stuff, but I’m happy to help with the concepts.
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I actually really appreciate the commentary. My concerns about readability often cause me to delay writing or not bother entirely. I suppose it’s one of those situations where while something makes perfect sense in my head, getting the words out I run into a barrier.
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No problem dude, like I said, I liked the story, and I hope you write more!
Also the next time you feel self conscious about your prose, remember that all people are born with ten thousand words worth of bad writing in them, and everyone just has to get them out of the way to get to the good writing.
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I’m going to work on the next part keeping what you’ve said in mind then come back and give Sensitivity a rework for readability.
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pro tip: read it aloud as you write it, and when you’re done with a paragraph, go back and read the entire thing aloud, you might catch awkwardness and whatnot that way.
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Quality read, please continue
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About fucking time! Very good.
It’s interesting as most works indicate that the mother notices at birth there is something wrong with the foal, so this feels a bit new.
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i struggle with that myself, haha
Oh I like the direction and sweet corn is precious
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Same here, love the story so far
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Tip on SBS foal writing, emphasize how fat it is compared to other foals, lack of teeth growth snd maybe how underdeveloped its genitals are and lack of mane despite its growth…tho this advice might be odd and based on my headcanon take it with a grain of salt
A great deal of the material depicting SBS going all the way back to No Miwkies has done so from the perspective of a foal without any attempt at intervention. While some physical traits would carry through ? Not all of them are going to be present here.
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I think i understood what youbsaid there… tho have had an exhausting day so i msy not know fully whst you’re saying
So a lot of stuff with SBS foals shows them without anyone trying to step in and change some of their less than stellar behaviors. So you see the fat fucks like Tard from Sensitib tummies or the purple pegasus from NO MIWKIES .
I’m leaning a bit more towards the depiction in Sensitive little guy . Positive change is possible, just by no means easy.
If the teal unicorn makes it? Well…y’all will just have to read on and find out.
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