Greg and Justin were just opening up the Florida No-Meth Fluffy Shelter when they realized there was a strange man inside.
“Who are you,” Greg asked.
The man launched into what was apparently a prepared statement.
“Hello, I am Agent Bolyhos from the Fluffy Management Licenseboard. This shelter’s facilities have been upgraded to be in compliance with the ‘AYFKM 420 Act.’”
“Upgraded, but we can’t afford-” Justin began.
“Let me assure you, you don’t need to worry about the cost. All funds necessary to upgrade shelters will be provided by the State Government of Florida. Does your shelter have any funding gaps?”
Greg shook his head.
“Nope, we couldn’t do a full refurbishment, but otherwise this shelter’s financial situation is as strong as my marriage.”
He decided to ask another obvious question.
“How did you do it so fast by the way? We were here yesterday.”
“Only your disposal room needed to be upgraded and that simply took the installation of the Gyötrelmes Gyilkos Non-Radiation Emitting Machine. Or the GG No RE for short. Follow me and bring any fluffies you’d be disposing of and I’ll show you.”
Justin and Greg gathered up that day’s fluffies to be removed and followed Agent Bolyhos to their shelter’s removal room. Where before it had just been a place where Greg or Justin injected fluffies with a quick-acting poison or manually converted fluffies into milkbags or litterpals, it now was entirely taken up by a massive machine built into the floor, walls, and ceiling.
Agent Bolyhos quickly crossed over to the front of the machine and started typing on its keyboard while looking at a projected screen.
“Now I’ll show you how it works.Just set down each set of fluffies according to what you want done with them and then enter which section gets which treatment into the machine. There IS still a human labor requirement at the end, but I’ll do it to show you how it’s done since it’s your first time.”
Justin marveled at the shiny metal marvel.
“How does this thing work?”
Agent Bolyhos broke into another rehearsed statement, as if reading off a teleprompter.
“The artificial intelligence is so advanced and the machinery so precise it could do the work of 3 EMTs at once, perform open heart surgery, or cut out every part of a brain tumor with no risk to the patient.”
Greg looked up from his phone, which he was probably not looking up niche porn on.
“Then why are you using it to euthanize fluffies?”
Agent Bolyhos shrugged.
“The choice of how to use the machine was done with an internet poll. Turns out WAY more people in Florida want to kill fluffies. It wasn’t even on the ballot, ‘Kill those fucking fluffies’ won as a write-in. There wasn’t even a listing, the vast majority of people wrote those specific words in. It narrowly edged out ‘Murder all those fucking fluffies’ by a few dozen votes.”
Greg finally found what he was looking for and showed Justin his phone.
“Look at this.”
“OH DEAR GOD WHY IS THAT CANCER PATIENT NAKED AND WHAT IS HE DOING WITH THAT PENGUIN, DURIAN, STAPLER, AND KARDASHIAN SALIVA?! OH GOD NO, DON’T DO THAT TO THAT WOMAN!!!”
After Justin returned from vomiting Greg showed him what he’d meant to show him as opposed to the horrifying porn he’d been watching.
“‘Florida man replaces penis with fluffy?!’ That machine’s able to do that?!”
“It’s a wonder of modern science and a bloated State budget for anything that kills fluffies. Now sort those fluffies and let’s get started.”
…
…
…
…
…
Author’s Note: Try translating the Hungarian. It’s fun.
