Am babbeh, bestesh babbeh! mummah calls babbeh, bestesh, and babbehs siblings are all good babbehs, except for poopie babbeh. Won dae, mummah go to a housie, where mummah knocks on the doow. “Hewwo hooman! gib sketties for mummah and babbehs? coo” babbeh was vewy happy, and even left poopie babbeh with no housie, the hooman told babbeh to stay behind howevaw. Babbeh, wait long time, but mummah nu come back? Babbeh am wowwy. Being bestesh babbeh, babbeh went in. “Am bestesh babbeh, look for mummah, find mummah, and mistah take cawe!” Babbeh went searching for mummah, and found woom, but babbeh nu can open doow! “Wet babbeh in! Need find mummah!” Babbeh kept twying to open meanie doow, but doow no wet fwuffy in. Doow wet babbeh in, but it gave babbeh wowstest owies! “SCREEE!!! BABBEH HAB WOWSTEST OWIES! MUMMAH! peeps and chirps ensue.” mummah came ovew, but only huwt babbeh, why did mummah treat bestesh badly? “WAN HUGGIES! WHY MUMMAH ONWY HUWT BABBEH?? HUUU HUUU” The nice mistah picked up babbeh, and he was going to hewp babbbeh owies! “NICE MISTAH PWEASE HEWP BABBEH OWIES!!” Babbeh was taken owt of woom, and nice mistah brought babbeh to another woom. Hooman put babbeh on heawing pad, whatevew that means! “Dont worry buddy, this will remove the owies!” Babbeh then hear a bunch of flicking, then a woosh, and it fewt wawm at fiwst, but then it gave babbeh buwnies! “SCREEEE HEAWING PAD GIVE BABBEH WOWSTEST HURTIES BURNIES!!!” AND NICE MISTAH DID NOTHING ABOUT BABBEHS BUWNIES! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
The entire litter was killed, I will make more of this, but im not consistent.
This is my first post too, I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE CRITICISM.
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Cool
- needs name in post title
- needs paragraph breaks
- capitalization
- fluffspeak is inconsistent (‘one day’ instead of ‘one bright time’)
- the fluffy’s range of vocabulary is inconsistent (I don’t think fluffies are even capable of thinking the word ‘ensue’)
- it’s unclear if it’s in present tense or past tense
- there isn’t enough clues for the reader to figure out what’s going on (no idea why the door hurt the fluffy, was it electrified? Or did it hurt itself trying to break it down? The whole litter was killed? I couldn’t tell there was more than one foal involved until that mention at the end)
- there isn’t enough detail in general
- pacing was super rushed
I highly recommend looking at @DaxterIsAFluffy 's work if you want to see a good example of a fluffy’s thoughts, as his fluffies think out loud a lot.
Keep working at it! You can do it!
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Pretty dope. Love hearing what those little shits are thinking. Can’t wait to see more!
Gonna have to wait a while it seems
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lmao
Microwaves.
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