ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 26
This was originally posted to news websites in timeline #00347-FAF on Friday September 20, 2080, during the 50th Anniversary remembrances of The Fracturing. It was reposted to Fluffybooru on September 20, 2018, by timeline terrorists, and is reposted here to preserve the historical record.
Happy Friday, Fluffherders! It’s Friday, September 20, 2080. The last days of summer are upon us; Fall Equinox is tomorrow, and is the traditional time to start talking to our Thanksgiving foals about the Cold Times, the importance of staying close to their human family, and not running away from home. This is also a good time to start talking to your foals, colts, and fillies, about Skettiland, and how they’ll soon have all the Skettis they ever wanted if they are good fluffies that eat their kibble and play and look out for each other. Remember: these preparations are important to ensure that your fluffies will be healthy and happy for the Knifey Game that turns them into your Thanksgiving Roast!
This is also the time of year that your foals, colts and fillies should start their preparation diets. Every day they should get enough fluffy kibble to meet their nutrition needs (1 cup for foals, 2 cups for colts and fillies). They should get pasta with marinara sauce once a week as a treat and to help them build up a healthy layer of fat. You may also give your colts and fillies dried fruit as a daily treat, no more than an eighth of a cup a day for now. Raisins, currants, dried berries, dried mango, banana chips and dried pineapple are all excellent choices. Last but not least, make sure that your fluffies get plenty of play time, at least an hour a day, so they can grow big strong muscles that will make tasty meat!
Now, on to your questions.
Anonymous asks:
A week ago, a fluffy escaped from his owner and made his way to my doorstep, cognizant of the fact that he was raised for food and extremely vocal about not wanting to be eaten. Upon contacting the distraut creature’s owner, and seeing the gentleman into my home, his fluffy posed us both a question we did not expect: (I’m paraphrasing from fluffspeak here) if we feel love and pain the same as a fluffy, how can we justify slaughtering it? His owner was so moved that he granted the little guy his freedom and left him right there in my living room. Given the fluffy’s emotional state after experiencing such degrees of fear, perseverence, self-reflection, and joy, what is the best way to prepare him to feed a family of four?
Well, anonymous, I have to say that I’m disturbed by this story. The cardinal principle of fluffherding, one which goes back to the hard times during the Russian occupation of the East USA, is that the fluffies must be kept in the dark about the fact that they are food animals until the very end. The fluffy’s former owner clearly dropped the ball here, and it’s probably for the better that he not only surrendered the fluffy to someone else, but that the fluffy managed to convince him, apparently, to stop fluffherding altogether. Presumably you will do a better job!
To put it bluntly, your fluffy needs rehabilitation, just as you would do with a feral. If this seems like too much, ask yourself: how well do you know his former owner, and have you seen his fluffherding operation? There is also the matter of this severe distress releasing too much lactic acid into the fluffy’s meat, which must be remedied. Start by taking him to a vet to make sure he has no major medical conditions that would preclude him from being used for food. Assuming he checks out, two weeks of isolation, with plain kibble, clean water, antibiotic and antiparasite nanites, and free from distress, should suffice to rehabilitate the fluffy. If you plan on eating him immediately after quarantine, then you should include dried fruit in his diet from the very start.
Additionally, you should ask the former owner how the fluffy found out he was a food animal, so that you can avoid triggering the fluffy when it’s time for slaughter. There is a significant danger that the fluffy is aware of all our usual ruses, and could be distressed by mentions of Skettiland and the Knifey Game. If that’s the case, you will need to use another ruse, and another means of slaughter (such as carbon dioxide poisoning, breaking the neck, or a blow to the back of the head).
TheFoalFryer writes:
Dear fluffies are food: please fix the hole in your fence. Your herd is leaking out and I can’t be held responsible for a loss of your food.
He he he! Good one, TFF! The old “hole in your fence” trope from classic 2010s cartoons never gets old. Of course like any responsible fluffherd, I keep mine in a safe room indoors, and in a fluffy pen outdoors, to ensure that they live in a safe environment away from predators.
Finally, Anonymous asks:
I have been wondering, can you make brownies out of fluffies? I been wondering that to see if I could serve them to bronies to see what happens.
I wouldn’t use any kind of meat, including fluffy meat, to make brownies. However, fluffy tears are naturally sweet with a hint of caramel flavor, and are PERFECT for brownies! Here’s my recipe from my book, The Art of Cooking Fluffies:
FLUFFY TEARS BROWNIES
INGREDIENTS:
1 pkg. (500g) chocolate cake mix
1 cup chopped nuts - walnuts or pecans are best!
1 cup evaporated milk
1/4 cup distilled fluffy tears
100g butter, melted
2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 175° C (350° F)
Combine cake mix and nuts in large bowl. Stir in 2/3 cup evaporated milk and butter (batter will be thick). Spread half of batter into ungreased 13 x 9-inch baking pan.
Bake for 15 minutes.
Heat tears and remaining evaporated milk in small saucepan over low heat, stirring constantly, until the mixture smells like caramel.
Sprinkle chips over brownie; drizzle with tears mixture.
Drop remaining batter by heaping teaspoon over caramel mixture.
Bake for 25 to 30 minutes or until center is set. Cool in pan on wire rack. Cut into 24 squares.
Enjoy!
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.