Ask FluffiesAreFood Vol 1 #21

ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD

Volume 1 Number 21

Happy Thusday, Fluffherders! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask here!

Our first question comes from an anonymous writer:

Dear FluffiesAreFood,

I found a lost foal in the park. I think he’s someone’s pet. He seems to be weaned, and has pretty red fur. He keeps asking me when his mommy will return (at least I think that’s “How time tiw mummah” means). He doesn’t have a collar or a chip that I could find. He seems frightened but very tame. How should I cook him?

Well, anon, if the foal is really someone’s pet, then you should probably return him to his rightful owner. But given the slim odds, the bother, and the likelihood that the owner is in fact a terminal joke of a human being, I’d say the foal is better off being eaten.

Now, that said, I’m guessing that you’re new to the art of fluffy eating, because nobody wold eat a fluffy they found off the street right away unless they were desperate. Since he has no collar or chip, there’s a good chance that your lost pet is in fact a stray feral foal. Ferals could have all kinds of nasty bugs and parasites. So, cooking him right now is not an option, sadly.

So, what are your options?

In my opinion, your best option is to contact a local FAA-certified fluffherder, who will gladly take in your lost foal and raise them properly into a healthy adult fluffy, which will then be harvested for meat and fur to build a stronger community. The FAA can put you in touch with a local fluffherder, and you can contact them via www.fluffiesarefood.org or by calling 1-800-EAT-FLUF. Since your main interest seems to be cooking a foal, I can tell you that most fluffherders will gladly sell you a harvest-ready foal at a steep discount in exchange for giving them a feral or stray foal.

Your other option is to try to rehabilitate the foal into a meat fluffy yourself. This takes about three weeks of work, two to rehabilitate that might be a feral foal into a domesticated fluffy, and one to fatten the fluffy for harvest. My guess is that your foal is about two weeks old, so by three weeks he will be a young adult fluffy, perfect for a family-size roast! There is a complete step-by-step, week-by-week guide to how to do this in my book, The Art of Cooking Fluffies, available in bookstores everywhere.

Now, let’s talk about slaughtering the fluffy. As a beginner, I would recommend taking him to a butcher shop, under the pretense of going to meet with his mumma. Fluffy butchers can slaughter him humanely so that the meat retains its natural sweetness, or inhumanely, after a few hours of intense torture, to make the meat more savory. Let the butcher know which you would prefer. The next day, you should have about eight pounds of fluffy meat, for a nominal butchering fee. Note that the butcher will retain the fur, bones, and other parts, to sell.

A word of caution: a proper fluffy butcher has two entrances to their shop. The first is to a storefront that resembles a fluffy day care. This is so that fluffies adjust better to being dropped off by their human owner. The other entrance is to the shop where they sell the meat. Do not take your fluffy into the meat storefront. The sight of fluffy carcasses is enough to make your fluffy freak out and try to flee or injure you.

Lastly, here’s a short list of things you should DO or NOT do.

Do NOT let the foal loose on the street. Loose foals become feral adults, and feral adults can breed quickly into dirty, disease-carrying feral herds, which can cause significant damage to the community before a fluffherder rounds them up and rehabilitates them.

Do NOT throw them in the trash. Most of them will stop feeling sorry for themselves after a short time and will attempt to escape. Many of them will succeed, and become feral.

Do NOT throw them in the sewer or flush them down the toilet. Again, should they survive, they will become feral.

Do NOT throw them off the cliff. If they survive, they could become feral. See a pattern here?

If you just want to just be rid of the foal, DO decapitate the foal, then cut the rest of the body in half and throw in a compost bin. This is the FAA-recommended way of disposing of an unusable foal. A butcher knife should suffice to decapitate and bisect the foal. Decapitation kills the foal instantly and cutting the body in half will allow the corpse to decompose rapidly. Warning: a foal can scream very loudly (110 decibels) once it realizes that you are going to kill it, so wear hearing protection before cutting it in half. Be sure to sterilize the knife and cutting board afterwards.

If you would rather keep your kitchen clean, DO stomp the foal to death. It’s best to wear a good pair of boots when doing this, but ordinary walking shoes will suffice. You want to perform the stomping with the foal on a hard surface such as asphalt or concrete. Usually one or two stomps to the back will paralyze the foal, and another couple of stomps on the head will kill it. Stomping the foal to death is a socially responsible practice for ferals in general, and encouraged whenever you are unable to take in a feral. Then dispose of the corpse in a compost bin.

Do NOT take the foal to a pet store. If it is feral, it can spread disease to the other fluffies, and the pet store will have to rehabilitate them.

Do NOT incinerate the fluffy without a permit.

If you do incinerate the fluffy, DO stomp on it or cut it in half first, to ensure that it is permanently disabled and dying, before setting it on fire. A burning fluffy running through your house in a panic could put your home, family, and life in acute danger.

Do NOT shoot the fluffy unless discharging a firearm is legal where you are. While shooting a fluffy is not illegal, discharging a firearm is a felony in the limits of most communities.

Do NOT use the foal to fish for large saltwater fish. This practice, known as shitratting, is illegal because it was found to give fishers an unfair advantage.

Good luck!

Mister Boomstick writes in to ask:

Can one make Rocky Mountain oysters from fluffys? I caught this smarty and i want to eat his testicals in front of him. Also can I do it with foals? Love, Mr. BoomStick.

You can absolutely eat the testicles of a fluffy! Fluffy testicles (aka “Fluffy Oysters” or sometimes “Fluffnuts”) are the same consistency as calf testicles (aka “Rocky Mountain Oysters,”) but are also smaller, and usually they are eaten in servings of a dozen or more. The testicles of a single smarty aren’t going to make for much of a meal, but sometimes, it’s not the meal that counts, but what the meal symbolizes.

First, I presume that the smarty is domesticated - that is, he was born into a responsible fluffherding operation, or if feral, he has been domesticated through a two week quarantine (see my advice to anonymous, above). It bears repeating: do not eat feral fluffies without rehabilitating them first. You could contract all manner of life-treatening parasites.

To prepare the fluffy for castration, first place him in a legboard, the make sure to insert an anal plug to prevent sorry poopies. (Note: do not use a permanent, unspigotted anal plug unless you mean to slaughter the fluffy no more than an hour afterward.) Then prepare the fluffy by getting him good and riled up. You can do this by antagonizing him - spitting in his face and verbally abusing him - or by arousing him by putting his favorite mare in his presence.

Now you need to remove the testicles. Do this by closing the grip of a monkey wrench on the scrotum between the testicles and the base. This should cause the fluffy to scream at a very high pitch. Then, take a meat tenderizing hammer and whack the testicles as hard as you can. This will pulverize them and make the fluffy hurt so much that he sees stars for hours. Then remove the rest of the ruined nutsack with a pair of meat scissors.

If you don’t have a meat tenderizing hammer, then you can use the monkey wrench to twist the sack around a few times. After no more than a dozen twists, the whole thing should twist right off; if it doesn’t then meat scissors will finish the job easily. This will also cause the fluffy to scream in agony, so be sure to wear hearing protection.

Finally, apply some alcohol to the nub where the nutsack was, and either bandage or cauterize the wound.

If you did this right, you should have two fairly well smashed little nuggets in a fuzzy flesh sack, and one very miserable and self-pitying smarty.

Now remove the little nuggets from the flesh sack, throwing the sack in the smarty’s face for good measure. Dredge the testicles in flour, then in milk and egg, then in corn meal and your preferred seasonings. Fry in vegetable oil, an inch deep, at 375 degrees. They should sink to the bottom when you first put them in, and then rise to the top when done.

Season with your preferred hot sauce, and eat.

As a side note, the eating of fluffy testicles in front of the fluffies to which they once belonged has rich history. At the famed Il Club Fluffy they used to allow diners to personally castrate the six fluffy stallions that yielded the twelve “speshaw wumps” that went into their secundo. The fluffies would watch the diner eat, and would entertain the diner with its whining, cries, complaints and protests that the diner should “nu num speshaw wumps.” The writer Emanuel Bonaventura once described it as “the best boner-maker since two hot chicks making out in your bed.”

Best of luck!

Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.

21 Likes

Dear FluffiesAreFood, should I feed the foals, formula or real fluffy milk.
And one more question, should i over stuff the foals.

4 Likes

Dear fluffys are food I don’t know if that question was asked but could you make a good Schnitzel out of a fluffy

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To FluffiesAreFood,

Hello, I’m unsure if this is the correct place to ask but I am looking for other opinions on the subject;

I am a member of a wildlife rehabilitation center and for the first time since the opening, we had an invasion of Ferals. Thirty or so we think. Due to the location of our little facility, out in an arid desert with a natural defense of various cacti and bushes along with a healthy coyote population, ferals are a rarity. The lands natural defense, the sounds and smells of our animals and of course our wonderful groundskeeper keep the odd one or two who make it through to the facility out.

However, our groundskeeper has been away to attend the birth of his first child and we believe what with the harshness of the last few weeks weather that we could do without him for a few days. We were so very wrong. The herd somehow managed to traverse the natural hazards and made its way into the heart of our facility only a few hours ago. Now the animals we tend to rehabilitate or care for are more than a match for anything Fluffy related, even a larger herd such as the one who invaded. The issue me and my coworkers are currently fretting over is the fact that some of our animals killed and ate some of the ferals, namely our American badger pair, a monitor lizard and a great horned owl.

What should we do? Should we induce vomiting? Ferals are known to carry diseases and various parasites, but we are unsure if the damage has already been done. We’ve consulted a handful of veterinarian specialists but the answers have ranged from “Induce vomiting” to “They will be fine”. We are especially worried about the monitor and the owl as the former seemed to have taken down and swallowed the herds “Smarty” whole along with the latter, who killed a Mummah” and swallowed three of her foals whole.

We’ve deduced that half the herd was destroyed in the invasion, the rest fleeing out into the wilderness only to be killed in their mad dash by the local wildlife and hazards but the above mentioned were the only ones to ingest any of their kills. What worries us the most is even the Coyote pack we have merely killed their prey and didn’t eat any of them, which is an absolute shock as anything that goes into that pen that has more than two legs has never come out.

Please, in your expert opinion, should we be worried about our animals and take action ourselves, seek further professional opinion or are we overreacting and should just take a step back?

Any assistance or advice would be of the utmost help. Thank you.

4 Likes

Dear FluffiesAreFood, should I feed the foals, formula or real fluffy milk.
And one more question, should i over stuff the foals.

Hi @Thaddeus_135. The answers depend on your situation. The best food for newborn foals is real fluffy milk from their mothers. After that, from a wetnurse fluffy, or from a milkbag. After that, fortified fluffy milk from your local grocery store. After that, foal formula (not human - absolutely not human). After that, raw fluffy milk if you can get it - you will not find this in stores as it’s illegal to sell unpasteurized raw fluffy milk throughout North America. As a last resort, pasteurized, regular whole fluffy milk from the grocery store, which loses some of its vitamins and proteins in the pasteurizing process. This is according to FAA guidelines.

Foals are hungry little bastards and will tolerate some overstuffing. However the best practice is to just let them eat as much as they want and then leave them alone. The exception to this is if a foal is undereating and not thriving, in which case you will want to give them fortified fluffy milk. You can find this at your local grocery store.

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Dear fluffys are food I don’t know if that question was asked but could you make a good Schnitzel out of a fluffy

Hello @Ano. Yes, you can make Schnitzel out of a fluffy! There’s a recipe in my book The Art of Cooking Fluffies as well as a recipe for a similar dish, Chicken Fried Foal, in Ask FluffiesAreFood Vol 1 #13.

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Dear FluffiesAreFood, do you have any preference in preparing “Foals-in-a-blanket” and do you have any recommendations on sides? Wines?

Sincerely, me

1 Like

Hello @TomorrowsEugenics – This actually is a seed for a great post, and I will probably get to it later. Right now I have a pretty substantial back catalogue to repost here, such that it will take me about six weeks to post the rest of it at the rate of one post a day…and that rate assumes I don’t get sick, busy, distracted, etc. All of which is to say, I’m not ignoring you, and my intention is to give this the answer it deserves, but please be patient.

3 Likes