ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 3 Number 4
Happy Friday, Fluffherders! It’s November 1, 2083, and time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask here!
Today’s question comes from FluffyTortureIsAVirtue, who asks:
Dear FluffiesAreFood,
I love the tradition of harvesting, cooking, and eating fluffy testicles, every time November comes around. But where did this come from, and in particular, why is it traditional to crush a stallion’s scrotum in a vice every November 1st?
This is a fantastic question, FluffyTortureIsAVirtue, and a perfect segue for my series on fluffy testicles.
In the 2010s, followers of authoritarian ideologies were still building support in their lead-up to the despotic regimes of the 2020s. One of the ways they did this was with memes, and one of those memes, “No Nut November,” was perhaps the most famous example. The concept was for men to spend the month of November abstaining from sex of any kind, as a way to learn self-discipline. In fact, historians now agree that these memes didn’t actually teach self-improvement and were just vectors for spreading anti-democratic attitudes. Nonetheless, the idea of No Nut November persisted. After the hard times of Winter 2030-31, as raising fluffies for their meat caught on, this took on a more hilarious form. Thus, an editorial in the New York Post declared November 2031 the first No Nut November to involve the destruction of fluffy testicles, and so the tradition was born.
As part of the editorial, the author, known only as FoxHoarder, declared a list of different tortures to carry out on testicle-bearing fluffies every day of the month. You can read the list here courtesy of the Library of Congress. As you can see, November 1 was declared “Squeeze Day,” where the idea is to squeeze the scrotum painfully. 2031 being what it was, many Americans, still reeling from and angry about the events of the previous decade, took this to an extreme. This is where the use of vices came in.
Back in 2031, we didn’t have fluffy vices, but we did have workshop vices for wood working and the like. So, the first vices to crush fluffy testicles were just that: ordinary workshop vices repurposed to crush a fluffy’s nuts.
The process, which took on the trappings of a sort of post-Halloween ritual, started with a single male fluffy with a big, healthy pair of testicles. The legboarded and corked fluffy would be placed on the workshop bench, and the testicles would be placed carefully so that they rested against the stationary jaw of the vice. Sometimes a light adhesive would be used to make sure that the testes stayed in place.
Then the celebrant would tighten the vice until the sliding jaw was just touching the testes. The celebrant would then put on construction grade hearing protection and leather gloves, slap the fluffy to make sure that it’s awake for the next part, and start slowly tightening the vice further.
The trapped fluffy would moan, complain, scream, try to escape, attempt sorry poopies, and otherwise suffer excruciating torture as the vice jaws pressed and flattened its family jewels. As the vice tightened and the work of tightening grew harder, the celebrant would exert more force with each turn of the handle, and the fluffy would scream like a Proud Boy being fucked by his uncle, until both the groans of exertion of the celebrant and the screams of agony of the fluffy grew to an obscene and nauseating crescendo.
Finally, with a supreme effort that requires every ounce of the celebrant’s strength, the celebrant would tighten the vice a final time, crushing the fluffnuts absolutely flat with an accompanying “pop” noise. The fluffy would usually either vomit or pass out from the pain, as would, in sympathy, many a teenage boy.
The aftermath of this sacrament of slow sack slaughtering was understated in comparison. The celebrant would loosen the vice and cut the scrotum of with a pair of meat scissors, cauterizing the wound with a hot iron, and slap the fluffy in the face with it.
In the mid-2030s, fluffy eating became commercialized, and so the celebration took on new dimensions. After the crushing was done, the celebrant would then join their comrades for a feast of fluffy oysters and beer, often including the flattened testicles in with a generous portion of store-bought testicles. As today, it was common then to start off the feast with a toast. In those days, all the celebrants were usually of the same sex (non-gender-conforming persons being exceptionally rare in those days except on the West Coast and in Canada). If the celebrants were women, they would often toast to some hated ex, or to men in general, as if the fluffy were a proxy. If the celebrants were men, the usual toast would be, “Thank God that ain’t us.”
Today the ritual is considered part of a larger Halloween celebration, complete with LOTS of alcohol and fluffy costumes with balloon “testicles” that we like to pop. The screams of the fluffy and the vice-handler get broadcast out to the neighborhood as part of the celebration. Women will toast hated exes, men will toast their luck. The shop vice has been replaced with a dishwasher-safe “fluffy vice” that fits on the kitchen counter; the jaws of the “fluffy vice” are stainless steel for easy cleaning. In addition to legboarding and corking the fluffy is given an anti-nausea medication to prevent vomiting in pain, and the fluffy is usually slaughtered and grilled after the deed is complete. Hearing protection is still required, of course.
There is more to come on the November tradition of testicular torture, so keep reading, folks!
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here or send FluffiesAreFood a PM.
…so you’re all good.