ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 13
Welcome to Hump Day fluffherders! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just comment here!
Anonymous asks:
Hello, I was wondering, would I have a recipe to prepare a fluffy hamburger? I’m fattening a smarty for that purpose.
Well Anonymous, you are in luck! Not only are there a half-dozen fluffburger recipes in my book, The Art of Cooking Fluffies, but there’s also an entire book on the subject, Fluffburger! by Hanori Yamamoto, with over one hundred fluffburger recipes! Here’s one of mine; it’s very flavorful, but easy to prepare.
FLAMING FLUFFBURGER
INGREDIENTS
1 pound ground fluffy steak (if butchering yourself, the meat from the rear portion of one side is roughly one and a half pounds)
4 ounces of diced green chilies
1 teaspoon of bullion granules - fluffy is best, but beef or chicken also work
4 slices of Monterey Jack cheese (cow or fluffy)
DIRECTIONS
Preheat grill for high heat
In bowl, mix ground fluffy, chilies, and bullion granules.
Shape into four (4) patties.
Lightly oil the grill grate. Grill patties 5 minutes per side, or until well done. Top each patty with cheese about 2 minutes prior to removing from grill.
Top with your favorite burger fixings. My favorites are dill pickles, sweet relish, fresh onions and fried jalapeno pepper coins.
Another anonymous writer asks:
Hi Faf! I was wondering if you could recommend some recipes for Jellenheimer? Thanks!
For fucks’ sake, anonymous, what the fuck is the matter with you? No! Of course not! Eating Jellenheimers? Seriously? Wow. I never thought I’d get a question that I’d have to walk off.
Another anonymous writer asks:
Dear FluffiesAreFood,
I just caught one of my foals fucking my shoe, and smashed it flat with a hammer. What should I do with it?
Well gentle reader, I’m afraid a hammer-flattened foal, even if still alive, isn’t useful for much other than composting. Fortunately, composting fluffies is easy; just chop it in half and throw it on the pile. You can find a comprehensive guide at fluffiesarefood.org/composting.
That said, you can do wonderful things with foal meat and hammers. For example:
CHICKEN FRIED FOAL
INGREDIENTS
4 deboned foals (1/2 pound each)
2 pounds all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon sodium bicarbonate
1 teaspoon black pepper
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups fluffy buttermilk
4 cups fluffy milk
1 egg
1 tablespoon hot pepper sauce
1 cloves garlic, minced
3 cups peanut oil for deep frying
DIRECTIONS
Pound the foals to about 1/4-inch thickness. Place 2 cups of flour in a shallow bowl. Stir together the baking powder, baking soda, pepper, and salt in a separate shallow bowl; stir in the buttermilk, egg, hot sauce, and garlic. Dredge each foal first in the flour, then in the batter, and again in the flour. Pat the flour onto the surface of each foal so they are completely coated with dry flour.
Heat the shortening in a deep cast-iron skillet to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Fry the foals until evenly golden brown, 3 to 5 minutes per side. Place fried foals on a plate with paper towels to drain. Drain the oil and fat from the skillet, reserving 1/4 cup of the liquid and as much of the solid remnants as possible.
Return the skillet to medium-low heat with the reserved oil. Whisk the remaining flour into the oil. Scrape the bottom of the pan with a spatula to release solids into the gravy. Stir in the milk, raise the heat to medium, and bring the gravy to a simmer, cook until thick, 6 to 7 minutes. Season with kosher salt and pepper. Spoon the gravy over the foals to serve.
Recommended pairings: breakfast foods
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.