This was originally posted to news websites in timeline #00347-FAF on Monday September 23, 2080, during the 50th Anniversary remembrances of The Fracturing. It was reposted to Fluffybooru on September 23, 2018, by timeline terrorists, and is reposted here to preserve the historical record.
Ask FluffiesAreFood
Volume 1, Number 27
Happy Monday, fluffherders! Today is Monday, September 23rd, 2080, the fiftieth anniversary of one of the critical moments of the events of The Fracturing. It was on this day that President Ivanka Trump, less than a two weeks into her administration, fled the United States for Russia. Just that morning, she had ordered the US Army to use artillery on one million protesters in the Washington DC Capitol Mall. Her father had used artillery on protesters in the late 2010s, but never on this scale. After a shocked and outraged Secretary of Defense Sam McCollough refused the order, President Ivanka Trump fired him. Secretary McCollough went immediately to Congress, and House Speaker Paul Ryan, who had always been a rival of Ivanka Trump, began the impeachment process on the grounds of attempted murder. As the day moved on, it became clear that President Ivanka Trump faced removal from office and likely prison time. She fled the United States, but did not resign, and was impeached in absentia, becoming the first sitting President to be removed from office by Congress. As the office of Vice President was still vacant, this left Speaker Paul Ryan next in line. By that afternoon, Paul Ryan was sworn in as the 47th President of the United States.
Today, historians are divided about President Ryan’s actions. Some argue that he staged a coup, and that his actions were simply part of an internal power struggle. Others argue, based on his diaries that President Ryan considered himself to have decapitated the authoritarian, white supremacist regime, and that he would work to restore America as a democratic nation with the help of the opposition Working Families party. Either way, the argument is academic. His total time in office would amount to only 37 days.
And now, on to your questions! Our first question comes from an anonymous writer:
My Fluffy’s “Speciaw Fwiend” has started acting up lately… What’s the best way to cook up his testes so he doesn’t know he’s eaten them?
Thanks!
Feeding a fluffy its own testicles is a time-honored tradition going back to before The Fracturing, although back in those days it was done as a form of abuse. Today it is done as a way of honoring our past.
First, of course, you must remove the testicles. This is no small matter - colts love their special lumps! Fortunately you can do this quickly and with relatively little pain, using a standard colt-sized legboard and a castration tool. My favorite is the Fiskers Sak Snipper. You can do this in six easy steps.
First, evacuate and cork the fluffy. Use a temporary cork, or take the opportunity to use a permanent spigot cork. Warning: do not use a permanent non-spigot cork unless you plan to harvest the fluffy within 12 hours, or the fluffy will die in extreme agony.
Second, place the fluffy in the legboard.
Third, locate the scrotum. If the fluffy is not aroused then you might have to dig in the fur a bit.
Fourth, sever the sack. Wrap two fingers in gauze to soak up the blood, and then use a scissors motion to pinch the sack between the testes and the body. Then use the castration tool, between the fingers and the body, to remove the scrotum. If you do this right, the very sharp blades will work effortlessly, and the fluffy will only feel a mild pinch.
Fifth, use antiseptic glue to seal the wound. There will be a fair amount of blood, but the gauze-covered fingers should help to control the mess and allow you to close the wound properly.
Sixth, give the fluffy a dose of antibiotic nannites, just for good measure.
Next comes the preparation of the testes. The testes are two pistachio-sized lumps covered with a thin membrane. These are referred to as Fluffy Oysters or Fluffnuts. You can prepare these using any number of Fluffy Oyster recipes (including one in my book, The Art of Cooking Fluffies). You can also grind them up and include them in meatballs for their weekly spaghetti, which is what I do.
Again, the above method is relatively painless. For an excruciatingly painful method, consult Ask FluffiesAreFood Vol 1 #21
Our next question also comes from an anonymous contributor:
Dear FluffiesAreFood, Any good stir fried fluffy recipes?
You’re in luck, dear reader. There are thousands of recipes for fluffy stir fry! Here’s one that I particularly like – it’s low in calories, high in protein and fiber, and can be ready in 30 minutes or less!
STIR FRY FLUFFY AND BROCCOLI
INGREDIENTS
1 pound (400 grams) fluffy steak, sliced into strips no more than 5cm long and ½ cm thick. (Can be distressed or undistressed depending on taste.)
3 tablespoons (45 mL) corn starch
½ cup (120 mL) water plus two tablespoons (30mL) water
1 teaspoon (5mL) garlic powder
2 tablespoons (30mL) vegetable oil
4 cups (1L) chopped broccoli
1 small onion, wedged
â…“ cup (80 mL) soy sauce
2 tablespoons (30 mL) brown sugar
1 teaspoon (5 mL) ground ginger
DIRECTIONS
In a bowl, combine 2 tablespoons corn starch, 2 tablespoons water, and garlic powder, until the mixture is smooth. Add fluffy steak strips and toss until coated.
Heat 1 tablespoon vegetable oil in large skillet or wok. Stir-fry fluffy until it reaches the desired level of doneness (at least medium). Remove and keep warm.
Add remaining oil to pan. Then, stir-fry broccoli and onion for 4-5 minutes.
Return fluffy steak to pan.
Combine soy sauce, brown sugar, ginger, remaining corn starch, and water. Stir until smooth. Add to pan.
Stir and cook for 2-3 minutes.
Serve over cooked grain of your choice (rice is traditional, but I sometimes like to mix it up and serve this with steamed barley).
Serves four hungry fluffeaters. Enjoy!
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.