ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 3 Number 6
Happy Friday, Fluffherders! It’s November 3, 2083, and time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask here!
Today’s question comes from BallsyInBaltimore, who asks:
Dear FluffiesAreFood,
While visiting friends in Denver, I came across a hotel restaurant that claimed “world famous fluffy oysters,” and I had to try them. They were pretty good as fluffy oysters go, but then the waiter explained that they had been serving fluffy oysters since 2032. I thought the eating of fluffy testicles didn’t become popular until the 2040s. The only evidence I found to support their claim is some references to a “Fluffnuts Conference” in 2032. Can you shed some light on the matter?
As always, BIB, I’m all too happy to help.
In the heady times after the USA broke apart in 2030, fluffy eating was just getting started, and had not yet become a common practice. Nonetheless, the news about fluffies being eaten in the Eastern United States led many fluffy aficionados - so-called “hugboxers” - to form alliances against the practice. One of the forums for these hugboxers was “Fluffnet,” a forum site with over 10,000 members. The growth of their site was such that they decided to hold an in-person gathering at the Curtis Denver hotel.
What follows is one of the greatest blunders in customer service history, and stems from two huge misunderstandings. First, the hotel staffer misunderstood the conference organizer, and so the “Fluffnet Conference” instead became the “Fluffnuts Conference.” Second, the hotel kitchen confused the food order for the Fluffnuts Conference with the food order for the Denver Cattle Conference held that same weekend, which, by tradition, was heavy on bull testicles, or so-called “Rocky Mountain Oysters.” So gross was the misunderstanding that not only did the kitchen think the Fluffnuts Conference wanted cooked testicles, they thought that they wanted cooked testicles of fluffy ponies - at the rate of four ounces of them per attendee, for a thousand attendees. Those of you who know how testicles work, know that a fluffy testicle weighs in at two-tenths of an ounce, raw. And so the kitchen needed 20,000 testicles.
What happened next was an effort that could only be described as Heraclean. In order to meet demand, the Curtis Denver Hotel kitchen ordered ten thousand pairs of testicles from fluffy butchers in the EUSA. EUSA fluffy butchers worked feverishly to fulfill the order, which was only possible because they went out of their way to castrate all but the most well-mannered of stallions. Nonetheless, ten thousand pairs of testicles, from ten thousand castrated and very unfortunate males, made their way to the Curtis Denver Hotel kitchen, where they were battered and deep-fried and then presented to one thousand fluffy pony welfare advocates who believed that they were eating popcorn shrimp.
Although today historians regard the resulting dinner and subsequent outrage as completely fucking hilarious, at the time it was a matter of great consternation. Conference attendees collectively sued the hotel and came away with a ten million dollar settlement, or $10,000 (WUSA) for each attendee. The Doubletree organization, which owned the Curtis Denver at the time, paid the debt by selling the hotel to Chinese-owned Shangri-La Hotels. More significantly, the meal deeply divided the Fluffnet community, half of whom were furious about being fed fluffy testicles, the other half of whom realized that they were delicious and that it would be better anyway to eat an otherwise highly invasive species. The “hugbox” movement eventually disintegrated into bickering and the cause of fluffy welfare became as much a lost cause in the WUSA as it was in the East.
And that, BIB, is the story of how fluffy eating got its start in the Western United States, and also, how fluffy testicles became known simultaneously as “fluffy oysters” and “fluffnuts.” Stay tuned for more No Nut November content later!
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here or send FluffiesAreFood a PM.