A Backwoods Encounter
Chapter 1
It was a bright and shining spring morning. Around 9:30, maybe 10 o’clock if I recall. I had just gotten myself a fresh cup of coffee and was walking across the kitchen to look out of the window at the field and barn as I went over the day’s chore list in my head.
“Move some hay bales, do an oil change on my truck, feed the horse and the hogs, run the tractor down the road to Joe’s place, and finally i-……… What the fuck?”
I looked out between the barn and my wife’s rows of various veggies toward the tree line to see a blob of Technicolor hurrying across my land and straight toward my house.
“Oh you gotta be fuckin me man…… Wait…”
It was then I noticed a pair of coyotes chasing the colorful mass. Goddammit, I thought I ran the last pack off this land. I sighed as I pulled my sidearm from its holster, checked that one was in the chamber, thumbed the safety and started out the door, coffee still in hand and untouched.
I got outside and speed walked to the space between the barn and the crops. Seemed like a place for a good clean shot as the dogs hounded this herd of fluffies toward me. I drew my weapon, thumbed the safety off and took aim over the top of the herd. It’s damn hard to focus on your shot with an ear raping cacophony of “Screeee! Nuuuu! Scawy!” and all many of other retarded shit filling the air but I did my best. Quite proud to say I hit one of those pig killing bastards right in the neck!
The second coyote decided to bug out at the sound of the shot but not before it snatched up a foal and ran off with it. No skin off my bones, I just hope he stays fucked off from my fuckin farm. But something happened that really surprised me at this point. The herd didn’t stop and scatter in terror from the bang. They kept coming towards me. Right up to about 10 feet away where they stopped looking terrified except for a handful.
A fat red little fucker with an orange mane waddled out into the gap between us. Bet he’s the one the coyotes really wanted. They’d have been fed for a week on him alone. He stamped his squishy hooves in a wide stance and tried to puff himself up as he stared me down.
“Dis smawty’s wand nao! Dummy hoomin gu way!”
“Uhm, actually this is MY farm. But it’s cool if you just chill he-“
“DUMMY HOOMIN GU WAY OR GET WOWSTEST HUWTIES!”
I really detest being interrupted. But I’m a fairly nice guy. So I decided a loud warning would do just fine here and placed a row of 3 shots across the ground over the smarty’s head, dotting the earth between him and the herd.
The herd erupted with another bout of high pitched terrified noises and bowel movements. The smarty impressed me though, he didn’t shit himself. He didn’t retreat either, actually. Brave little meatball. He froze in terror for a moment but once he realized he was unharmed I think he found his nuts again.
The little red ball of arrogance shuffled over to me in the most intimidating fashion he could and began trying to kick me to pieces. Kind of felt like being pelted with jumbo marshmallows, to be honest. I stood and watched him with a raised eyebrow for a few minutes.
“Now… that’s not very nice…. I’m trying to be coo-“
“SHUT UP! DUMMY HOOMIN GU WAY! SMAWTY SHOW OU!”
Both of my eyebrows raised at that. He was seriously testing my good nature. I watched as he reared up and head butted my shin with all of his weight. If he wasn’t so fat, it may not have done anything… But this was a fuckin chonk of a fluff. And that’s when it happened.
As his skull connected with my shin, I stumbled a bit. Mainly because I wasn’t doing anything to brace but there it was. The ball was in the air…… And I spilled my mother fucking coffee. I hadn’t even gotten a sip.
“Aw goddammit! My fucking…. You little…! ARGH!”
I swung my leg around to quickly roll the fluffy off its feet and onto its side, resting my boot on its head and neck area while applying as little pressure as possible. I took a moment to have a deep breath and came to a decision. The others might be redeemed. But meatball here had just punched his ticket.
“Alright listen up!” I looked across at the herd “This is MY land. I live here with MY family. But, I’m not unkind. You all can stay here if you can follow some simple rules. You understand what rules are, right?”
Most of the herd nodded with fearful looks.
“Good!” I began pointing to my reference areas as I belted out my commandments. “Stay out of the crops. Do NOT eat them! There’s plenty of grass and plants out there around the rest of the property! Stay the fuck out of my barn! In fact, just stay the fuck out of any building. If you can’t find your own shelter, that’s your problem. Go somewhere else. And most importantly, NEVER try to tell humans what to do on this land!”
I checked my chamber once more while listening to the struggling noises under my boot and sucked my teeth with a visceral feeling of anticipation in my gut and the impending satisfaction.
“Breaking any of these rules has one simple result……” I adjusted my boot placement to be more on the smarty’s face as I pointed my gun at his round body.
“Sweet dreams ya little prick…” I’ve never felt such satisfaction as when I dumped 5 rounds of 9mm into that furry little bastard.
Half of the heard broke to the tree line when they saw this but about 9 stayed, seeming transfixed on me in the moment. I decided enough was enough, holstered my sidearm and picked up the corpse at my feet.
“Welcome to Grimmwood Farm…”
I want to seriously thank Za for helping me recover my stories from the old Booru. I’m gonna post em all but i’m not sure where to go from there. I’ll have to re-read and remember the full story then come back around to it. Might even ask the masses what yall think.