“Hewwow nice mistah, du ou hab nummies fow Sawah?”
Christ. It’s the neighbor’s fluffy again. I swear I have to hear this thing talking to me through the backyard fence every fucking day now. “Mummah and daddeh” leave for work and she’s just out back here asking for shit and trying to bother me.
“I don’t have any fucking food. Leave me alone or I’ll take your legs.”
She puffed her cheeks up. Stupid bitch. Thinks she’s better than me. “Nu! Mummah an daddeh teww Sawah dat meanie mistuh nu awwowed tu huwt gud Sawah! Wiww teww daddeh an den daddeh wiww gib ou bigges huwties! Nu twy gif owwies tu soon mummah!”
That was new information. Fuck. Fuck. I can’t do this. I can’t have more. They’re so ugly and stupid. That fucking hussie and her cuck boyfriend are crazy about these pointless wastes of oxygen because they’re too fucking selfish to grow up and make a real family. God I hate this fucking generation.
No. No good. I can’t let this happen. I look at my pool, and back at the angry horse. Then back at my pool, and back at the horse. “Y’know, actually, if you help me do something I’d be happy to give you some noodles. What is it you like?”
"Du…du mistah mean sketties!?" I cringe. “Y…yeah! I sure…I sure do!” She starts dancing in a gay little circle and singing about spaghetti. Fuck.
“Hey! Shut up. I need help first.” She stops and stands at attention. “Otay nice mistah! Wat fwuffy nee du fow sketties?” Good. She’s obedient. At least one thing about them isn’t total shit. “I’ve got to make a hole in my fence, but I don’t know how! Can you try to do it from your side? Maybe you can do it!” She looked nervous and puzzled. “Bu…bu mummah an daddeh awways teww Sawah nu make stompies on gud fencie! Fencie pwotecc Sawah fwum meanies an munstahs!” I chuckled to keep the mood light. “Sure, but I don’t have any meanies or monsters. So if I’m asking you to, it’s okay!”
She brightened up as the reasoning seemed solid. “Otay! Sawah gunna make gud kickies fow nice mistuh!” Dumb bitch. I didn’t even tell her where to kick. She picked a spot and started going at it. After ten minutes of kicking and panting and crying about her stupid fucking “hoofsies hurting” she’d made a hole big enough to get through. “Aww dun! Can hab gud sketties nao?” I examined the hole. “Yep! Come on through the hole and I’ll go get the spaghetti!”
“Yaaaay! Sawah wub sketties! Heaw dat, tummeh babbehs? Soon mummah gon hab bestest sketties fow make bestest tummeh miwkies fow awwwww babbehs!” She squeezed through the hole, sustaining some scrapes and cuts to go with her cracked and bleeding hooves. No matter! It was time for spaghetti!
As she passed through, I stepped out from the shed I’d hidden behind and grabbed her by her greasy green bowlcut. “Screeee! Bad upsies! Nu huwt soon mummah! Sawah teww daddeh! Sawah teww daddeh!” Christ. These things don’t know how to shut up. Why would I care what it wants? Worthless fucking abominations.
“No you won’t. You’re going to die.” She melts down. “Nuuuuu! Daddeh nu wet meanie mistah du dat! Daddeh gon gib ou da wowstest huwties!” I laugh and bring her up to my face. “No, your daddy is going to apologize to me and fix my fence. After all, you did kick a hole in it to come into my yard and shit on my patio.” Confused, she looked around for shit. I punched her stomach and made some.
“Owwwwies! Nu mowe, pwease! Nu huwt tummeh babbehs, dey stiww tu wittwe! Pwease wet soon mummah gu! Wan hab babbehs!” I walked over to the pool. “I know. That’s why it’s too bad that you broke my fence, came into my yard, and fell in my pool.”
“Wat? Nu unnastan, wat am NUUUUUUU!” She splashed into the pool. She was barely afloat, treading desperately with her weak stubby legs and smooth scoopless hooves. I opened my fly and started pissing on her face while she desperately tried to stay afloat. “Nu! P…pwease heeewp! Nu wan die! Wawa bad fo soon mummah! Am bad fow tummeh babbehs! Peease sabe fwuffy! Peeeeeeze sabe Sawah!”
I stood by and watched as she expired, the look of hurt and betrayal never leaving her eyes. I go back to my deck chair and pick up my book again. I should practice acting surprised for when my neighbors get home.