IT’S UNDER 9000!
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The writing and overall execution are fine. I just failed to remember the cardinal rule of being on the Internet: “Don’t like it? Don’t read/comment.”
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But yours has been some of the most helpful so I’m glad you forgot. It’s what helped me see I was off the mark for communicating Apple’s situation.
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Thank you. Hmm… I’ll definitely ponder how I could’ve find this better. Not using red flag words would’ve been a start!
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It’s partly Apple’s fault for not telling her new owner that the foal had “forever hurtie” instead of saying it was a bad babbeh. Wording is very important.
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Honestly, it’s more of a “needs to be read carefully” rather than a “it’s confusing” situation. If you skim through the story you might overlook some details, like the fact the owner never really asked “why is it bad”. I didn’t take it like the vet was a “Fluffy Whisperer” of sort, merely that he quickly, by asking the right questions and by observing both Apple and the Nurse’s behavior, assessed the situation at hand.
I truly like this story, because I can see myself in the owner’s place. I’d probably be real miffed at the mare, assuming she hates Cookie because she is brown. I might figure it out later, but my gut feeling initially would be just that.
It’s also, whether intentional or not, a good satire on people crying wolf in regards to “perceived racism/omophobia/fat shaming/etc.”
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Sure, but we assume she can actually explain what her foal has. I think it’s more of a she knows, but can’t explain it situation. Moreover, the owner kind of refused to listen to her when she protested. She may even have simply thought that if he had ever suspected her of lying, she would kick her and her foals out or worse. Don’t forget, the man literally threatened her two foals to force her to feed Cookie.
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She sure explained it to the vet with no problem. Still partly her fault, not saying it completely her fault only partly.
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This was the writer’s fault and as a reader for this piece you shouldn’t have to bridge the gap. I should’ve had her trying to explain more but getting brushed off.
In my head the difficulties in communicating were necessary so the humans could have an easier time going their path of well intentioned but wrong ideas.
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Don’t worry, a decent capacity of analysys nets the same result, but it’s admirable you wish to improve even more. <3
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Some of my friends from my old churches have been like that, crying this and that for years. But it’s the opposite side of the political/social spectrum. And I know a few who get their information from rather dubious sources >.<
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Happens, I’ve made that mistake without meaning to. You kinda have to pander readers sometimes. You’ll do better next time.
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This is the moment that made it clear for me. The vet asked the right question, while the owner, lacking such knowledge, assumed bad=bad colors.
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It should be a smoother connection though. The fact I’ve got “hugbox” on my title plus my normal works can lead to assumptions on what’s going on. And I need those gaps bridged for folks who don’t know me.
I mean, for July Babies I wrote “it’s me writing” a number of times. And looking back maybe I shouldn’t have. Or assume the audience.
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No problem, wishing to always do your best is a great way to improve. Still I love your work.
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Thanks you 
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I don’t know why but I get a little bothered in that Apple herself is initially postponing the suffering of the runt by not taking immediate action. Sure, it’s understandable that the mother doesn’t want to kill the child but also oddly enough decides to keep it nearby to suffer from the guilt of having it’s pained cries until it finally dies of starvation. Is moving the runt further away from the nest too much of an action of killing? Would leaving the runt out in the middle of the open for humans or other predators to possibly get it be too much like killing? I just reread the portion that says the runts cheep came from the side so it does seem that she may have tried to distance herself from the foal. I concede that the guy is unknowingly elongating the suffering of the foal but I sort of get a little defensive when she’s angry at him.
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I think the main problem I had was if she stomped the baby then I’d have no story. Or at least not this ending. I’ve seen a number of other stories have the runt/bad baby pushed away from feeding so opted for that.
I was using the “if not fed every few hours they die” idea. It would’ve been good had I mentioned that somewhere. Hmmm… Wonder if that’s a “common sense” thing for the setting?
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Just realizing: this is a brilliant phrase. Does it not get used much?
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Thank you @Sakavolt07 - appreciate you coming by! This is the first time I can remember using 2nd person. Its hard not to be repetitive! O_O
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