Bad Words
Fergusson was a feral fluffy much like any other. Pale beige fur, unkempt mane and tail in a grey-green color, demanding and used to getting his way. He had no horn and only one wing, the other lost in a turf war (that he by the way WON and anyone who said otherwise was a dirty liar), and he was currently trying to gain entry to a human’s house.
The only issue was the regal-looking house fluffy sitting just beyond the see-through glass door to the veranda, who simply didn’t seem to understand the need to open said door. The gold-and-sapphire-colored fluffy just sat there with a curious, naïve smile, head tilted to the side.
“Wet Fewgusson in!” Fergusson yelled for what must have been the thirtieth time and stomped his hooves. The house fluffy chuckled.
“Nu can,” she said. “Daddy wud be mad at fwuffy.”
“Yu dummeh! Wet Fewgusson in nao!” cried Fergusson again. Why wouldn’t she LISTEN? “Dummeh MAWE!”
“Nu am mawe, am cowt,” replied the house fluffy. Fergusson paused; really? She didn’t look like a …
Hm.
Well, he couldn’t very well accept that he’d been wrong on this matter. “Dun wie! Dummeh house fwuffy is MAWE!”
The house fluffy shrugged. “Fwuffy nu can wet Fewgusson in, eithah way.”
“Yu- yu stoopid! Yu…” No, stupid wasn’t bad enough. Dummy wasn’t bad enough. POOPIE wasn’t bad enough an insult for this fluffy, so pampered and happy, that wouldn’t do anything she was told! Fergusson growled, and prepared the very worst word he knew.
“Yu DOOPID FWUFFY!”
The house fluffy stared at him, stunned, and Fergusson grinned. Surely, now she would burst into tears and do whatever he – wait, no. She was snickering…? “Doopid?” she asked.
“Doopid!” the feral shot back with another growl. NOW she would …
The house fluffy started laughing. “Doopid!” she repeated. “What’s doopid? Sounds so siwwy!”
“N-Nu is siwwy!” Fergusson gasped. “Is a meanie wowd! Is the wowstest meanie wowd thewe is!”
“Weawwy?” The fluffy quieted down her chuckling with visible effort. “What’s doopid mean?” She thought about her own question for a bit before smiling and clapping her hooves. “Ooh! Did yu put togetha ‘dummeh’ an’ ‘stoopid’?”
“Y… Yes,” admitted the feral. “Is a tewwibwe meanie wowd! Nu waugh, cwy at how meanie it is!”
“But it so cute! An’ funny to say!”
“N-Nu is funny!” Fergusson found himself growing defensive. “If yu know bettah, then yu say a wowse meanie wowd!”
The house fluffy set a hoof to her chin. “Ooh, how about… Poopid!” She smiled wide, puffing out her chest proudly. “Is ‘poopie’ an’ ‘stoopid’! Is good, wight!?”
Fergusson was left speechless. She made a word that was just as bad, with so little effort! No, the words went together even better than dummy and stupid! He couldn’t show how impressed he was; no, he had to teach her her place! “Nu! Doopid is much bettah than doopid poopid!”
“Doopid poopid,” snickered the house fluffy. “Poopidoopid!” She tossed up her front legs in clear delight. “Poopidoopid! Best meanie wowd!”
Fergusson found himself shaking, near tears; she just made a word that was TWICE as bad as doopid! How… How could she!? And she didn’t even seem to care! What kind of soulless beast was this!? “Why yu nu cawe about meanie wowds!?”
The fluffy blinked, then set down her hooves and smiled. “Daddeh say wots of meanie wowds, so fwuffy am used to it.”
The feral opened his mouth to make a scathing remark, but stopped. It finally dawned on him that this fluffy, obviously pampered and beautiful and with a no-doubt loving daddy, had never once referred to herself by name. “Yu… yu haf name?”
The house fluffy didn’t look sad, just slightly apologetic. “Yus.”
“What am house fwuffy’s name?”
The house fluffy smiled sadly as she replied. “Fuckass.”
Fergusson’s mouth fell open. He could hardly even parse the word. No, name. No, word. His eyes watered, and he begun to wail loudly as he turned and ran away from the yard at full speed.
Inside, Fuckass’s owner looked up from his paper. “Good fuckin’ job, Fuckass.” He had spent at least fifty bucks on counter-smarty measures, and to think just naming his own pet fluffy was more successful than any of them.