The shrunken pirate ship sailed across the water, it’s one-eyed Fluffy captain, a strong black and white unicorn called Ew-sid Bawwet, at the helm, his hoofs pushing the wheel to keep his boat steady. Below him, his crew of stallions laughed and played in merriment as one of the crew, a little red earthie with white spots called Rogers, climbed on top of a box and started singing.
“Oh da yeaw was Sebenteen-Sebentee-Eaht.”
The rest of the crew sung back in response. “How Fwuffy wan be in Skettiwand nyo.”
Rogers smiled and kept going. “Wen a shy-nee wetta came fwom da King. To da dummiesh vessew Fwuffy eba see.”
The crew got riled up and howled out the chorus.
“FWUFF DAM DEM AWW. Fwuffies towd dey say-ew da sees, dey fiwed nu boom-stick, shed nu sad-wawas. Nyo am a bwoken Fwuffy on a Hawifax piew, da wast of Bawwet’s Pwivatees.”
Rogers pointed up to their captain. “Oh Ew-sid Bawwet, cwied da town.”
“How Fwuffy wan be in Skettiwand nyo.”
“Fow twen-tee bwave Fwuffies, aww fishing-Fwuffs who, wouwd make up fow da Antawope’s Cwew.”
“FWUFF DAM DEM AWW. Fwuffies towd dey say-ew da sees, dey fiwed nu boom-stick, shed nu sad-wawas. Nyo am a bwoken Fwuffy on a Hawifax piew, da wast of Bawwet’s Pwivatees.”
Rogers turned round and pointed towards the bow of their ship. “Da Antawope she was a sicky-wawa sight.”
“How Fwuffy wan be in Skettiwand nyo.”
“She’d a wist tu da powt wiv hew say-ews in wags. An da cook in da scuppas wiv da staggas an jags.”
“FWUFF DAM DEM AWW. Fwuffies towd dey say-ew da sees, dey fiwed nu boom-stick, shed nu sad-wawas. Nyo am a bwoken Fwuffy on a Hawifax piew, da wast of Bawwet’s Pwivatees.”
Rodgers turned back to face his fellow crewmates. “On da King’s biwf-day Fwuffies put tu sea.”
“How Fwuffy wan be in Skettiwand nyo.”
“Fwuffies wewe Nine-tee-wun days tu Mon-tee-go Bay. Pumpin wike Mad-Fwuffs, aww da way.”
“FWUFF DAM DEM AWW. Fwuffies towd dey say-ew da sees, dey fiwed nu boom-stick, shed nu sad-wawas. Nyo am a bwoken Fwuffy on a Hawifax piew, da wast of Bawwet’s Pwivatees.”
“On da Nine-tee-sikth day, Fwuffies say-ewed again.”
“How Fwuffy wan be in Skettiwand nyo.”
“Wen a bwoody gweat Yankee hove in sight, wiv Fwuffies cwacked fouw-poundas, we made tu fight.”
“FWUFF DAM DEM AWW. Fwuffies towd dey say-ew da sees, dey fiwed nu boom-stick, shed nu sad-wawas. Nyo am a bwoken Fwuffy on a Hawifax piew, da wast of Bawwet’s Pwivatees.”
“Da Yankee way wow down wiv gowd.”
“How Fwuffy wan be in Skettiwand nyo.”
“She was bwoad an fat an woose in da stays. Bu tu catch hew took da Antawope twu whowe days.”
“FWUFF DAM DEM AWW. Fwuffies towd dey say-ew da sees, dey fiwed nu boom-stick, shed nu sad-wawas. Nyo am a bwoken Fwuffy on a Hawifax piew, da wast of Bawwet’s Pwivatees.”
“Den at wength Fwuffies stook twu cabews away.”
“How Fwuffy wan be in Skettiwand nyo.”
“Fwuffies cwacked fouw-poundas made an awfuw din. Bu wiv wun fat baww, da Yank stove Fwuffies in.”
“FWUFF DAM DEM AWW. Fwuffies towd dey say-ew da sees, dey fiwed nu boom-stick, shed nu sad-wawas. Nyo am a bwoken Fwuffy on a Hawifax piew, da wast of Bawwet’s Pwivatees.”
“Da Antawope shook an pitched on hew side.”
“How Fwuffy wan be in Skettiwand nyo.”
Rogers jumped into the middle of his crewmates and pointed back up at Ew-sid, shouting out the next line for all to hear.
“BAWWET WAS SMASHED WIKE A BOWW OF EGGS. An da Maintwunk took off Wogas wegs.”
“FWUFF DAM DEM AWW. Fwuffies towd dey say-ew da sees, dey fiwed nu boom-stick, shed nu sad-wawas. Nyo am a bwoken Fwuffy on a Hawifax piew, da wast of Bawwet’s Pwivatees.”
Rogers turned back to the crew, his voice getting softer and lower for the final verse.
“Su hewe Woga way in da Twen-tee-thiwd yeaw.”
“How Fwuffy wan be in Skettiwand nyo.”
“In been sik yeaws since Fwuffies say-ewed away, an we jus make Hawifox yestaday.”
“FWUFF DAM DEM AWW. Fwuffies towd dey say-ew da sees, dey fiwed nu boom-stick, shed nu sad-wawas. Nyo am a bwoken Fwuffy on a Hawifax piew… Da wast of Bawwet’s PWI-VA-TEEEEEESSSS.”
There was much hollering and cheering as the Fluffies finished, Elcid looked down on his crew and smiled.
“Weww dun Fwuffies, Ew-sid du wike a gud sea-shan-tee.”
“Wha am a sea-shan-tee?” One of the crew calls out.
“It am a song Fwuffies sing wen at sea.”
“Wha am sea?”
“Ew-sid fink it big wawa.”
.
.
.
“WAWA BAD FOW FWUFFIES!”
In an instant the Fluffies broke out into a hysterical panic, the deck of the ship was drench in shit and piss before anyone even realised what happened, mad stallions were running about, tripping over the shit then shitting out even more in fright. Some Fluffies raced to the side only to see there was endless amounts of water, run to the other side to see the same thing, then run back to the first side to see the same thing, unwilling trapping themselves in a loop.
Some of the stallions almost instantly drowned by jumping into the water and just sinking before they could even now what happened. Some of the stallions drowned from crying too much and letting their tears overwhelm them. Some of the stallions drowned simply from thinking about water too much.
On the shoreline, three feet away from the boat, Jacob Bruni, Kathy Parker and Liam Kennedy watched as the horror show unfolded in front of them. Liam sighed the hardest.
“Well… shit.”
Kathy and Jacob fought back laughter. “You gave it your best shot Liam. You made it all of…” Kathy quickly checked her phone for the time. “…less than five minutes.”
“I really thought I was onto something there.”
Jacob patted his friend on the shoulder. “You were man, until they realised that The Sea and Big Wawa were the same thing. Maybe next time try a longer song to distract them.”
Kathy placed one hand of Liam’s other shoulder, then placed her other hand in front of Liam, palm up like she was expecting something. Liam scowled and took out his wallet, giving both Jacob and Kathy a tenner note each.
“You know you guys could’ve been more supportive.”
“Maybe.” Kathy smirked. “But then I’d be a much poorer woman.”
Kathy and Jacob laughed as they went back to the car to grab the fishing nets and trash-bags, leaving Liam to stare at the floating corpses of his once impressive crew, the few survivors still could be heard wailing about the shit and the water.
They were all ‘last day’ Fluffies, unsold stock from Kathy’s store who were all going to the incinerator anyway before Liam extended their stay of execution a little longer, hoping he could prove that if you distract a Fluffy long enough, they wouldn’t notice they were in or on water.
Technically he was right, but this didn’t feel like a victory.
Liam huffed and mumbled to himself. “Took me six months to teach them that song.”
