Double words is like my number one typo.
And yes! That was actually part of @Gal-with-pastels original concept.
Yeah, that was my thinking too. She should have just killed them and thrown them away in the trash like the broken things they were. The torture was unnecessary.
Quite a lot of business went on at this place too. In the first paragraphs it was stated that they had been open for a year, but Dee Dee later stated that she had helped thousands of fluffies. I would have expected that in a place open for maybe eight to ten years, not one.
Dee Dee ain’t fucking about
Never mistake kindness for weakness
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while i was talking with greaver about this , it was in fact my first story involving a bitch mare and a bestest baby. nor did i know how to execute a bestest baby / smarty being a little evil piece of shit. and all i knew was that i wanted the bitch mare to be tortured. Now i’ll say with all honesty that i’m not the best at making stories but i wanted to try between this lil collab.
Now wanna mention I my go off topic while explaining.
I wanted to try and keep it innocent while also utilizing some torture attributes from inspiration by @BFM101 .
I guess i didn’t think Through enough .
Dee Dee honestly loves all fluffies, Micro , aqua and normal colored . but when it comes to Bitch mares that discriminate they’re young she usually gives them a chance to redeem themselves some do and some don’t same things goes for smarty/ bestest baby foals. I guess something really about this mare really triggered something in her . and i wanna Assume that before georgia was part of her former herd she had an owner , that abandoned her because she wanted babies.
If you want i honestly would like to see you’re take on this story , and what you would change to make the Georgia Unredeemable and her bestest unredeemable.
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I also want to state that a dramatic tonal shift isn’t a bad thing in a story. I enjoyed writing it, and I hope you all enjoyed reading it.
While not my cannon, while writing, I still have to build a world in my head. In the microcosm of the story, I stated and assumed a few things:
Dee Dee has helped a low thousands of fluffies in only about 18 months. Since opening her shelter/shop she’s been inundated with rejects and poopies from all over the country. This includes a lot of smarties and other unpleasant fluffies.
Dee Dee doesn’t have a dedicated torture room, but instead tools that any shop or rescue would have at her disposal. I picture the pillowing device as basically a swing-arm paper cutter, but larger, and the platform moves side to side to allow the removal of legs on both sides of the fluffy. This is just a tool available for both medically necessary amputations or pillowings. Same with the force feed system. Even terrible fluffies can be used and I figured that with many Fluffies Dee Dee has to process, that there’s going to be the irredeemable, and they may be force fed to accept kibble to adjust their attitutes, they may have non working mouths, or they may be so awful that they are turned in to milk bags so they can at least help others before they expire.
Trying to attack Dee Dee’s personal fluffies, effectively her local family, is what ultimately set her off. Bestest was an irredeemable little shit. The mare could at lest be useful. I imagine running a large fluffy shelter (as stated in the opening, a shelter that specifically takes the unwanted is a business that will get a lot of start up grants) will where on anybody. So take Dee Dee’s cruelty in my rendition as 18 months of frustration all coming out at once.
I have to say @Gal-with-pastels was a fantastic collaboration partner. She had an idea that got ~7900 works out of me, and let me write a pretty brutal abuse story. That’s something that I hadn’t known how to approach before, and am now much more comfortable executing (pun intended) upon. I hope do do more collab works with Gal, and anybody else in the community would likes my prose and wants their idea realized.
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I knew I was a bad influence
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this was awesome! Such great work 
My take… I don’t think I can write a full story, but if I had to change some things…
- When taking the alicorn and poopie, what if Deedee had taken Cobbler too? It would make sense because it separates him from his mom, and thus serves both as a punishment for the mom (if you have a bestest it’s taken away) and a second chance for Cobbler (once no longer influenced by his mom, his own personality can shine through and he can unlearn her bad teachings).
- Despite being separated from his mom, Cobbler keeps acting out and being a brat, blaming the other two for him losing his mom, being rude and dismissive to his new adoptive parents, insisting he’s better than the other foals. While he won’t try to kill them, just show that he’s not receptive to change.
- Georgia, rather than flying into a rage over sketties (which are not mentioned to actually exist? Did she imagine that?) wants her bestest baby back. In fact Cobbler could help her get out, like in the current story, and tell her how much nicer the other fluffies have it compared to her. They both still attack the other fluffs, because they’re little buttheads and think Deedee will have no choice but to let them stay together in the big nice room if there’s nobody else around.
- Adjust the torture scene. The current equipment screams torture basement - the feeding/pooping tubes, strapping fluffs down, having a special machine for easy double amputation… It’s weird. Instead of a torture basement I’d suggest having a hospital room, for when someone comes in really badly injured, so it doesn’t only exist to be creepy and evil. Then you can just strap Georgia to the surgery table.
- Instead of force-feeding Cobbler and then blowing him up, just drown him. When the scene started, I thought what would happen was that Deedee would give him as much milk as he wanted … by setting the transparent box to slowly fill with milk. Then Georgia still gets a show, watching her baby’s slow doom as the liquid goes above his head. (Maybe use water instead of milk, to avoid wasting a bunch of resources…)
- The milkbag thing feels like a bad idea. I mean, this entire place is built on “love the unloved” hugboxiness, and you’re going to use industrial abuse to tend it? How’s that going to look to the customers? At that, since her foals are stated to be basically fully weaned, she’s going to need milk-boosting formula to even provide milk.
- Considering the above, I probably wouldn’t remove her legs - I just think it’s a boring and trite trope. Instead just stab through them so they’re paralyzed (less gruesome and messy), then milk her dry of whatever remaining milk she has and leave her to watch her baby drown for a while. Once you get back she’s probably either wishing for death or hoping for hugs and mercy, at which point Deedee can snap her neck.
It’d make the torture scene a lot softer, but it would keep it more in-line with the rest of the story without letting the two off easy, and give Cobbler his own sins to punish.
If you’re dead-set on using milkbags though, I do have an idea for making them fit better into this hugboxy setting:
Hide them inside plushies. A big fluffy teddybear with tits; the perfect fit for baby foals and nobody can tell it’s a front for abuse.
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thanks for the feed back
Some very excellent suggestions! I’m not likely to do a rewrite, but any future story by me will more than likely use the medical suite over the basement.
Blowing up Cobbler was a specific part of the story prompt. There’s a lot of ways to kill a fluffy.
i may ask your in a future collab to go softer in the abuse
Can do! I’d like to create a sort of writing circle for collaborative story telling. So we can bounce drafts and ideas off more people before publishing.
Honestly, leaving Cobbler in the box to starve for a while and then giving him enough milk to pop would also work. Just, something that doesn’t have the force-feeding tubes.
Regarding point #3.
By the time she got to the room, it can be assumed that Dee Dee had left the room to clean the now empty plates of spaghetti.
Discussing the details with @Gal-with-pastels. Thinking a version 2 of the story with some of the suggested changes. And some more world building based on suggestions from others.
I see! I suggest indicating that in the story, as fluffies usually say thanks for the food before eating. Just having Georgia look around and seeing the sketties are all gone, or noticing that Deedee was carrying out a bunch of empty plates, would do wonders to clear up that confusion. Or in my suggested version, maybe Cobbler ran off to fetch his mom because they were getting sketties and he wanted her to have them.
We decided to incorporate some of the community ideas. We’ll be doing a version two of this story. This will be the non-cannon extra brutal edition. To be preserved, but not part of the lore.
I’ll likely PM to drop some ideas on you and get some feedback.
Love it, from the start to the horrible end of the bitch mare and her spoiled foal.
Glad the remaining foals have good homes.
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glad you liked it
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Great work, very engaging story and Dee Dee don’t take any shit. I respect that.
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