>Billy Bonko’s was a brand of discount fluffy feed
>The cheapest on the market
>Their slogan was “If you can find cheaper fluffy food, you buy it”
>One day they announced a promotion
>Find a lead ticket in a bag of food win a tour of the factory with your fluffy
>Terms and conditions apply
>This is the first time anyone’s been allowed into the factory since they held the same promotion last year
>Find ticket after fluffy bites down on it and hurts his teeth
>“Cool! Free tour!”
>“Bukket hab toofie huwties in mouthie!” cries the fluffy, spraying blood from his mouth as he talks
>Go to the factory and check in
>Some minor paperwork at the gate then directed to the entrance to the actual factory building
>mildly uninterested owners wait outside the factory with their fluffies
>The fluffies are all muttering about “Nu wike dis nummies”
>Bonko rolls up in a wheel chair
>Then he gets up and kicks the wheelchair away down a side path
>It explodes cinematically
>One of the fluffies puffs out his cheeks, “Fwuffy nu wan touw factowy! Dis kibbew taste wike poopies!”
>Bonko produces a flute from his pocket and plays a short riff
>Little orange men appear out of the woodwork and begin kicking the fluffy in the legs and belly and singing
>“Oompa Loompa doompa dee doo. Billy Bonko does not like you…”
>“Is he allowed to do that?”
>“You’ve already signed the waiver”
>Bonko leads them in
>There’s a set of double doors with a bunch of heavy coats next to them
>“Put on a jacket” Bonko instructs them, “This first room is very cold”
>The humans put on the heavy coats
>Bonko leads them into a large refridgerated warehouse
>Refridgerated or not, the stench of rot and death is substantial
>Completely filling the warehouse is a mountain of dead fluffies in varying states of completeness and decomposition
>A dump truck at the other end of the room pours more fluffies onto the pile
>The fluffies on the tour stand agape for a moment then begin to bawl uncontrollably, tears streaming down their faces
>“Dose fwuffies hab foweba sweepies! Huu huu huu…” cries one of the fluffies
>“Wowstest heawt huwties” cries another
>All of the fluffies run up and hug the dead fluffies, crying over them
>“Now,” says Bonko, ignoring the crying fluffies, “what do you think my fluffy chow is made out of?”
>“Go on” he says, gesturing with his head to the mountain of dead fluffies, “What do you think my FLUFFY chow is made out of?”
>“Uhhh…fluffies?” ventures one of the owners
>“That’s right! I have contracts with a variety of organizations to dispose of fluffy carcasses that are picked up on city streets, exterminated, killed in shelters, and so on”
>A bulldozer is pushing the fluffy carcasses through a large hole in the wall
>One of the tour fluffies, still crying over a fluffy carcass, is swept up with them. The others run from the pile in panic
>“Uh, Mister Bonko? I think one of the live fluffies just got bulldozed”
>“Not to worry, he’ll turn up in the next room, where I’ll show you our other main ingredient”
>Bonko leads the tour towards a door in the same wall that the bulldozer is pushing the fluffy carcasses through
>Next to the door is a rack of gas masks
>“Ok. Suit up and follow me”
>Each of the humans is given a gas mask
>On the other side of the door, the fluffy carcasses are tumbling down from the hole in the wall into a river of shit
>Some of the fluffies throw up from the smell
>“huu huu, nu smeww pwetty!”
>“Please throw up into the river!” Bonko admonishes them
>Bonko leads the tour down a stairway and to the side of the river
>True to Bonko’s word, the fluffy who got seperated earlier is floating in the river of shit, being rapidly swept along by the current
>“I also have a local contract to dispose of the city’s sewage. The sewage is then taken and used as a filler for fluffy feed”
>The fluffy who spoke up outside the factory speaks up again
>“Yu see. Fwuffy teww yu it am poopies! Fwuffy teww yu!”
>Bonko takes out his flute again and plays the same riff
>The little orange men appear once more
>“Oompa Loompa doompa dee doo. Billy Bonko really hates you” they sing as they beat the fluffy
>After beating the fluffy the little orange men punctuate their song by throwing him into the river of poopies
>The fluffy floats away with the other fluffy
>“On to the inventing room” says Bonko
>The inventing room contains beanbag chairs and a large bong
>“This is where I come up with all of my ideas” says Bonko, taking a hit off of the bong
>“kaff kaff Pure imagination” he coughs
>A violet fluffy runs up and eats some of Bonko’s other drugs, then swells to three times her normal size with an alergic reaction
>Bonko laughs hysterically as the orange men roll her out
>“I’m hungry” says Bonko, “Should we go get lunch?”
>The fluffies are brought to a room where they are given Billy Bonko Discount Fluffy Feed
>The humans are taken to a cafeteria where there is a pasta buffet
>The humans eat their fill and bring their trash to a garbage chute located between the cafeteria and the kennel
>One of the fluffies gets out while the humans are throwing away their garbage
>She tries to get some of the discarded spaghetti and falls down the garbage chute with it
>“And fuck you” one of the little orange men calls down to her from the top of the chute
>The fluffy comes out of the chute in the shit river room and is swept away by the current
>“On to the next room” says Bonko
>They take the elevator downstairs to a room dominated by a huge machine full of tanks and tubes leading every which way and a huge pipe at the top leading out of the room"
>“This is where we make my latest product. The Bonko Bar, for fluffies on the go”
>Bonko pulls a lever.
>The sounds of whirring machinery and viscous fluids being punped around are heard
>Out pops something that looks like a candy bar, with “Bonko Bar” and “NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION!” written in large letters on the wrapper
>Bonko offers it to Bucket, now the only fluffy remaining on the tour, “Go ahead, try it”
>Bucket is initially excited but his face falls when the bar is unwrapped and it’s just Bonko’s normal product in bar form
>“No fank ou. Bukkit nu wan mo nu smeww pwetty kibbew”
>“I said try it you little shit!”
>Bonko shoves the bar in his mouth and Bucket reluctantly bites down, crying
>Then Bucket screams in pain
>“Bukkit wose toofie! Bukkit wose toofie!” Bucket cries, his mouth dribbling blood
>Inside the Bar is the metal tag of the one of the fluffies that got swept away from the tour by the shit river
>“Bonko, I don’t want to tell you your business, but it feels like you shouldn’t be showing people this. Plus, most of the fluffies that came on the tour with us are dead”
>“Nobody who really gives a shit is going to buy my product and win this tour anyway. Besides…” Bonko stares vacantly for a second, his bloodshot eyes looking at nothing, then continues, “Oh. Oh shit… did I forget to tell you guys? Someone complained about that after the last tour so now everyone who comes on the tour gets a free fluffy!”
>True to Bonko’s presumptions, none of the owners has seemed too upset about losing their fluffies, and they perk up upon hearing about free merch
>The humans are taken to another kennel where the free fluffies are kept
>They’re really high quality
>“Wow! Two-tone alicorns!”
>“I’m rich bitch!” says Bonko, “C’mon, let’s all take a ride in my private rocketship!”
>Everyone has a great time in Billy Bonko’s rocketship
>Except Bucket
>In all the excitement Bucket is left behind
>He eventually blunders his way into the shit river and gets made into Bonko Bars
(Scenes that I couldn’t figure out how fit into the story without breaking the flow: Bucket drinks pop rocks and coke; One of the fluffies realizes that the shelter it came from killed its mother after Bonko mentions shelters killing fluffies; when confronted with the tour being a bad idea Bonko reiterates that he is high all the time; crazy rumors about Bonko; Bonko is made out of bees and the characters sing a song parody entitled “Candyman can” [sic, no definite article]; Bucket is thrown in the trash; Oompa Loompas sing “Oompa Lopmpa doompa dee do, by taking this offer you agree not to sue”; the other two fluffies’ collars and tags turning up in a bag of feed)