STORY BY MERCYONACID | ART BY INFRAREDTURBINE
“Hello Brigette, I want to apologize for calling your fluffy a shitrat. I know you love that…thing. I suppose we’ll always disagree on the nature of Fluffies, but I’ve thought about it and how I spoke to you about your pet was out of line. Would you like to come over for dinner tonight? I have a new recipe I’d like to try.” The text message read. Mercy’s texts were always properly punctuated and formatted perfectly- she’s just that type of person.
The three dots appeared and then Brigette‘s response was visible.
“Thanks, Angela! I appreciate your apology. I’d love to come over for dinner!”
That evil grin appeared on Mercy’s face yet again as she opened the bag of brined fluffy legs from Sprinkles. 8 furless legs were in the bag total- four that were not currently on a pillowed Sprinkles, and 4 from the corpse that bled out too quick a few days ago.
She prepared one cup of honey and one cup of maple, then poured it into the Ziploc bag. She shook the bag around, spreading the sweet glaze mixture all over 4 of Sprinkle’s legs.
Ding!
“Oh, the oven is done heating up! I’m going to try 10 minutes at 350 before checking for a temperature of 165.”
She placed the glazed legs into the oven on a baking sheet lined with foil. Her house smelled super sweet, even sweeter than when she made other meats with similar glazes.
Ding!
“Okay, let’s check the leggies. Oh wait, I left the hooves on. Maybe that’ll help seal in the juices?”
After letting the meat rest for 5 minutes, they were cool enough to eat. Mercy twisted off the hoof, which was easy to remove due to the heat of the oven and the brining. The finished product was a small leg, about 3 inches long and 2 inches wide, with the fluffy’s leg bone protruding from both sides. She grabbed the leg bones and ate from the meat as if it were a pig’s ribs. Her eyes went wide- it was the sweetest meat product she ever tasted! You could think it was candy if you didn’t know any better!
“Incredible! My hypothesis was right yet again! This meat tastes incredibly sweet with the glaze, but what if I make it with only olive oil, garlic, and salt? What does the meat’s own flavor taste like?”
Mercy poured olive oil and minced garlic into a new plastic bag, and placed the remaining four unglazed legs and salted them thoroughly while shaking up the bag, then placed them back in the oven for 10 minutes.
Once the cooking process was done again, she took a bite of a cool leg. It actually tasted sweet on it’s own, and, surprisingly, not like chicken. The olive oil was light tasting and the garlic shone through with the sweetness.
“One would expect sweet and garlic to not work well, but this is divine! My hypothesis that this would simply taste like chicken has been disproven. However, my plan for dinner was a Caesar Salad A La Sprinkles. Will Brigette know the difference?”
Mercy separated the bones and cubed the unsweetened meat, then kept it in the fridge to marinate in a light vinaigrette.
“Knock knock!” Brigette said as she was knocking on the door.
“Brigette! So good to see you! Thanks for coming. I’m preparing a Caesar salad for the appetizer, then I have the oven preheating for the main course.”
“Thank you for having me, Angela! Do you need any help in the kitchen?”
Mercy looked away for a second. “Uh, no, I’ve got it covered.”
Brigette found it odd that she turned down the help, but chalked it up to her being apologetic for her words and insisting she do the cooking.
Mercy turned on the TV that she had finally moved out of the saferoom and back to the living room. Sprinkles will never see it again.
“Welcome, good fluffies and babbehs, to a very special episode of Fluff TV!” She quickly changed the channel to whatever was next- some sort of game show that was almost halfway over.
“Fuck fuck fuck!” Mercy thought in her head. Brigette was going to catch onto her!
“Why would you have the TV previously on a fluffy channel? I thought you hated fluffies!”
“Well, I started looking more into fluffy culture after realizing I was rude to you. That was the last channel I had it on.”
Brigette had no reason not to trust Mercy, but something seemed off. She knew she hated fluffies, but was too empathetic to be one of those godawful abusers! Who cares if it’s a “biotoy”? It can feel pain and scream for help so you shouldn’t hurt it!
Mercy opened a bottle of Rosé and poured two glasses. Brigette took a sniff, and it felt like her concerns lifted off her shoulders. It was a very nice smelling wine! But why did Mercy leave the bottle on the table? She put it out of her head.
“I’m gonna prepare the salad. Here’s the remote.” Mercy said, still not taking the bottle back with her to the kitchen.
She arranged the cubed leg meat in a large serving bowl served over some salad mix, croutons, and Caesar dressing. She grabbed the salad tongs and put a helping on each of their plates.
“Come on, Brig! Let’s eat!” She said, feeling a bit more tipsy.
They both sat down, and Mercy placed the Caesar Salad A La Sprinkles onto her plate. Brig took a bite- it definitely wasn’t chicken! Weird. But she didn’t get breakfast that morning and it still tasted great, so she kept eating.
After a couple more wine glasses and some friendly conversation, Brigette asked Mercy what the main course she has in the oven is. An evil smile appeared on Mercy’s face, and Brig definitely noticed it.
“I’ll show you!”
Mercy grabbed Sprinkles from the basement and held her up for Brig to see-with no legs, fur shaved, and an apple bound into her mouth, still alive. She sat in a roasting dish atop a bed of potatoes, carrots, celery, and other roasted veggies.
“I present to you, Caesar salad A La Sprinkles! That meat in the salad, is fluffy meat!”
Brigette dropped her fork, an unparalleled look of horror on her face.
“The main course is a whole fluffy roast! According to other cooks online you need to roast them alive for the most tender meat. Into the oven you go, Sprinkles!”
She placed Sprinkles into the preheated 325 degree oven and set a timer for 35 minutes.
“Low and slow is the only way to go!” She said out loud.
Mercy looked up from the kitchen and saw Brigette throwing up all over her dining room table.
“HOW COULD YOU?!” Brigette shouted, slurring her words.
“Brig, I know you love those shitrats, but they’re an i-invasive species. T-That one city in the United States was destroyed by these creatures in a year after animal rights activists like yourself released them without considering if that’s really what’s best for the species, or any other species. These creatures have such poor control of their bowel functions that they shit all over each other, spreading disease to humans. They eat garbage like raccoons but breed three times as fast, and because they’re colorful and can speak shitty English people think they’re worth protecting. These miserable creatures will destroy the world if they are not exterminated.”
“You- you don’t care at all, do you Angela?”
“About what?”
“You’re awful!!” Brigette shouted as she stumbled angrily out the door, shaking and reeking of vomit. She shoved her keys in her pocket and hailed a cab home.
As Mercy started to clean the vomit, she saw the glowing yellow soul rising out of her oven.
“Crap! I’m losing my main course!” She immediately dashed to the oven and raised her hand up, absorbing the soul and releasing it back towards the oven, but instead the new Sprinkles appeared behind her on the counter, weggies intact. She opened the oven door and gave her roast fluffy a sniff.
In that one moment, Sprinkles felt a sense of bravery- that if she ever wanted a normal life free of hurties, she’d have to act now. If she didn’t, she’d regret it the rest of her life.
Mercy had bent over with the oven open when Sprinkles jumped onto her head and started biting her and beating her hoofs into her face, causing her to fall forwards and burn her cheek on the hot oven door. Meanwhile, a cloud of sparkling smoke bursted out of the oven. Mercy ignored it in her rage at the creature’s only chance at self defense.
“Motherfucker!” She shouted, stumbling from her earlier glass. Mercy was able to use her Guardian Angel ability on Sprinkles, catching her in her arms and tackling her down to the hard tile like a football. By this time the burn on her face had already healed itself.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Sprinkles?” She shouted, smashing her head on the tile. She grabbed her by the scruff and decided to use her beaten, dying body to try and scrub some of the vomit from the table. She managed to use Sprinkles as a sponge for most of the vomit, and then threw her into a trashbag, took her outside, and threw her into her pool. She then unloaded an entire clip into the trash bag, making the pool water turn incredibly red.
She resurrected her without another word. The new Sprinkles appeared outside the bag, as she desperately swam to the edge of the pool, the smell of blood and vomit making her sick.
Mercy took the pool net and fished her out, then carried her by the horn down to the torture den. She wanted to throw Sprinkles in the cage, but knew she couldn’t to avoid head trauma causing a lethal brain bleed outside of her resurrect timer. So she just had to place her lightly.
“Mummah’s fucking tired!” Mercy slurred with a hiccup at the end. “I have a whole week off now! Tomorrow I’m gonna make you my bitch!”
Mercy drew two tally marks on the wall from some previously collected blood and walked away. Sprinkles sobbed from the pain and nauseating smells, but she had no idea what happened to her, losing a few hours of memory from the repeated deaths.
“Nu…wan mummah…wan shewlter…” she whispered, wondering what she ever did wrong to deserve such a horrible fate.
Ding!
“Oh, the roast Sprinkles is ready! I hope it’s not too dry- I didn’t get to baste it!”
She pulled it out of the oven, letting it rest for another 5 minutes while grabbing a plate and another glass of wine.
She used a knife to slice the meat, and placed it onto her plate along with some of the roast veggies underneath.
She sat down at her couch and took a bite- the roast was fairly dry, most of the juice had been absorbed by the veggies, making them taste like sweet fluffy meat.
She resolved that her dinner was ruined, and proceeded to grind it up in a food processor after removing the bones. She saved the ground fluffy meat in a large ziploc bag and froze it.
After finishing the delicious roast veggies and a few more hours of TV she went to bed, hoping not to catch too much of a hangover in the morning.
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Author’s Notes:
Mercy has to travel a lot for work, so during the time Born To Never Die takes place, she’s staying at her vacation home in Sweden, which is only a 20 minute drive from Brig’s house. That’s how they weren’t several hours apart.
I chose not to shave Sprinkles in the pic to show off her rainbow fur, it is my new headcanon that fluffy hair is so thin it can be cooked off instantly, like cooking a potato with the skin on but the skin vaporizes, leaving you with a peeled baked potato. All temperatures are written in Fahrenheit, but in Sweden they use Celcius. 350 F = 177 C, 165 F = 74 C.
What was the sparkling smoke in the oven? Find out in part 3!
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or, of course, in this timeline, feral fluffs.