Part Twelve
Buddy woke up, looking around a little confused. Why wasn’t he in the saferoom? He stood and heard mummah make a groggy noise, then he realized. They must’ve fallen asleep on the couch. He wasn’t sure what time it was, but it was definitely the next day already, based on his growling stomach.
He decided to let mummah sleep. She seemed so tired after these past few days. Buddy was sure she was becoming more and more full of hate towards the world, but he wasn’t sure why. Was she okay? Could he help her somehow? It all seemed too complicated.
He carefully got off the couch, making sure not to disturb mummah too much. For now, he’d go check on Snowball. She was probably awake, but Buddy wasn’t really sure. She’d worn herself out crying after waking yesterday, trying to hide why, but he already knew.
The saferoom felt…different today, which was strange. Everything was the same, the same toysies, the same nesties, even the same food bowl and water bottle. Maybe it wasn’t that the saferoom was different but how he was seeing it that was different. Maybe it felt a little less safe now after his near-death encounter with the herd. He didn’t notice the strange box in one corner, since it blended into the wall and he never spent time on that side of the room anyway.
Snowball was sleeping fitfully, sometimes muttering in her sleep. Her eyes opened slowly when he lay down beside her. “Gud bwite-time.”
“Gud bwite-time,” she responded. She seemed less distraught today, or maybe she just hadn’t remembered what’d happened yet. Either way, Buddy knew he couldn’t just let the issue sit and fester. This was a discussion he had to have.
“Snowbaww, Buddy am sowwy mummah make Snowbaww gib babbehs fowebah-sweepies. Buddy nu nyo wai mu-”
“SCREEEE!” Snowball wailed, cutting him off. Buddy froze in confusion, but the mare just kept shrieking. He tried hugging her, tried to comfort her but it didn’t work.
Mummah rushed into the room, looking around wildly. She’d know what to do, how to fix whatever was wrong, right? Buddy’s panic subsided a little. It was going to be okay. Then Snowbaww saw mummah.
“SNOWBAWW AM SOWWY! NU MEAN TU TEWW BUDDY! PWEASE NU HUWT! PWEASE! Pwease, mummah! Nu huwt Snowbaww! Snowbaww am sowwy! Huuhuuhuu! Nu wan die! Nu wan hab huwties an’ fowebah-sweepies!”
Mummah looked as shocked as Buddy for a moment, then muttered something he couldn’t understand and walked out of the saferoom, returning in a moment with something in her hand. Walking quickly towards the cowering mare, she jabbed something into her shoulder and Snowball calmed, then toppled over. Buddy was frozen with horror until he heard her start snoring softly.
“Well, I really fucked that up, didn’t I?” Mummah said, apparently to a wall.
“Am Snowbaww otay?” Buddy asked, voice tinged with fear and desperation.
“She should be fine. Damn, I really am bad at this shit. This is why I used to kill fluffies instead of trying to keep them. Buddy, I told Snowball I’d hurt her if she told you about the foals. I wanted to scare her, but I might’ve overdone it.”
“Mummah,” Buddy said, tone dead, walking in front of her. “‘ou am bigges’ dummeh ebah.”
“I-”
“Nu tawk! Wisten!” Buddy snapped, riding the wave of adrenaline from the mistake he knew he was making. Mummah wouldn’t hurt him, but he was definitely going to get in trouble for this, but right now he didn’t care.
“Mummah, Buddy nyo wowd nu am gud, nyo wowd am fuww of huwties an’ saddies,” he began again. "Bu’ Buddy nu nyo wai mummah am su dummeh! Wai onwy make eberyting wowse! Wai onwy make wowd hab mowe saddies an’ huwties! Buddy undastan’ dat bad fwuffies nee’ gu fowebah-sweepies, nyo mummah nu wan be angwy, bu’ nu undastan’ wai mummah am su meanies!
"Wowd am bad. Su wut? Su jus’ make wowse su feew bettew? Gib huwties wen nu nee’ tu? Be bad wike wowd, nu eben twy make bettew? Buddy nu wan! Nu wan be meanie! Buddy nyo am dummeh, nyo nu wiww fix anyting, bu’ wan at weast twy. Nu wan gib up.
“Buddy nyo Buddy nu can tawk, Buddy twy gu fowebah-sweepies, huwt mummah an’ Snowbaww, bu’ Buddy hab saddies! Nu wan see mummah huwt! Wan mummah tu feew bettew, nu jus’ gib huwties tu hide fwom saddies! Mummah pwomise Buddy hab nyu famiwy, bu’ Buddy nu see nyu famiwy! See dummeh mummah an’ dummeh Snowbaww! See mummah huwt Snowbaww an’ Snowbaww huwt mummah an’ mummah huwt mummah an’ Snowbaww huwt Snowbaww!”
Mummah seemed stunned, so Buddy took advantage to continue pouring out the feelings he’d bottled up.
"Buddy am sowwy, bu’ nee’ say wut nee’ tu say! Su wut if Snowbaww am dummeh, nu undastan’ wowd hab bad tings? MUMMAH AM DUMMEH TUU! Mummah nu undastan’ wowd hab gud tings, ‘tuu! Jus’ as bad as Snowbaww! Nu see bad an’ nu see gud am boff bad!
“Buddy wan die wen wose famiwy, undastan’ seein’ nuffin but huwties an’ saddies, bu’ Buddy twy tu mobe on! Twy to hab happies ‘gain! Am mummah twyin’? Du mummah eben wub Buddy an’ Snowbaww? Buddy nu nyo! Buddy see mummah hate wowd, say wowd am bad, bu’ Buddy an’ Snowbaww am pawt of wowd! Am Buddy onwy bad tuu?”
“No! Of course you aren’t! I love you two, you know that. I just can’t-”
“Mummah nu wan see Buddy an’ Snowbaww hab huwties, su gib huwties? Nu eben make sense! Wike dwink wawa fow fix dwownies! Nu am wub! Onwy wan contwol! WET BUDDY HAB HUWTIES! WET SNOWBAWW HAB HUWTIES! If nu am stwong 'nuff nu am stwong ‘nuff! Mummah nu am fow gib huwties an’ saddies!”
His tirade began to slow, sides heaving from the effort of his prolong screaming. "Buddy nyo bein’ gud huwt sometimes, bu’ Buddy twy anyway! ‘cuz Buddy nu am cowawd! Nu wan hide! Wan make wowd bettew! Bu’ mummah wan Buddy tu hide! Wan’ Buddy tu be bad wike wowd, bu’ Buddy nu wan! Makes Buddy hab sickies!
"Su wut? Buddy wub owd famiwy, am sowwy owd famiwy am gone. Bu’ Buddy nu am saddies Buddy hab owd famiwy! Buddy nu wegwet! Huwties am huwties, bu’ nu awways am bad! Bu’ huwties fwom mummah nu am wub, nu am hewp, am onwy mummah bein’ meanie. Wai Buddy eben nee’ teww mummah?
“Mummah pwomised nyu famiwy, bu’ nu wet Buddy be famiwy! Famiwy nu am jus’ fow mummah tu hewp an’ pwotect! Famiwy am tu hewp an’ pwotect mummah, tuu! Su Buddy nebah wewe famiwy, nebah hab nyu famiwy! Buddy shud jus’ gu die!”
“Buddy, I’m sorry. I know I fucked up royally. I’m trying, I really am.”
“Nu twy ‘nuff. Mummah sabe Buddy, bu’ nu am famiwy. Snowbaww nu am speshow-fwend. Buddy am aww awone 'gain! Wai mummah nu eben twy? Wai mummah wan wowd be bad?”
“Because I’m scared!” mummah snapped. "Because whenever I feel safe and happy something takes it away! I hate the world because the world I see is hateful! I walk down the street and every alley had another senseless tragedy! I see families torn apart and it reminds me of the past, of how I lost everyone I loved! I’m trying, I really am, but it’s so damn hard when letting myself be happy is so goddamn terrifying!
“You think I’m like this because I want to be? You think I sat down one day and thought ‘how can I be a miserable, spiteful cunt?’ I hide like this, wear this fucking mask because when I let it drop people either abandon me or pity me, and I can’t stomach either! What else can I do then? I have to keep wearing the mask because it’s the only version of myself that I know works!”
She turned away again, and Buddy felt like a munstah. He’d wanted to help mummah, not tear her wounds open again. He just wanted to help, just wanted the mummah who’d rescued him back! He didn’t know what to do, so he just did what fluffies always do when they can’t do anything else, and hugged her.
“I don’t know what to do!” mummah sobbed. "I’m so scared! I have nightmares about something happening to the two of you, and I can’t shake that feeling. I know I’m a terrible mummah, I know I don’t deserve the two of you. This anxiety doesn’t ever go away! I hate it, I hate how it makes me feel, I hate how it makes me hate everything, but what can I do? Drown it in booze? Talk to some shrink whose whole view of me is fifteen minutes four times a year?
"Every night I wake up so many times to check on you two because I’m scared. I can’t even spend fifteen minutes without looking at the camera feed to make sure you’re alright. It’s killing me, but I can’t stop feeling like this! I’m lashing out because I can’t stop thinking about what will happen to you if I die, and I need to know you’ll be okay. I need you two to be strong, need you to not need me!
“When I looked at that herd I hated them so much, but not because of what they tried to do. Because they destroyed one of the few safe places I had, and now I can’t even let you two outside anymore without constantly watching. Can you imagine this? Imagine never resting, never daring to relax, because a thousand, thousand worst-case scenarios are playing in your head every waking moment?”
“Nu be scawed, Buddy wiww be otay. Mummah nu nee’ be scawed.”
“Don’t do that! Don’t reassure me, don’t try to make me feel better! It doesn’t help, it just makes me feel stupid for feeling like this, and that makes me feel weak, and that makes me more scared! I know I’m not being reasonable, but it doesn’t change anything, because I can’t act any other way.”
“Buddy am sowwy. Buddy nu nyo. Mummah, Buddy undastan’, am hao Buddy feew wen babbehs wewe wi’w chiwpy babbehs. Awways bad sweepy-time-pictuhs, awways scawed. Buddy nyo hao mummah feew. Buddy am sowwy fow yeww at mummah.”
Mummah sighed. “Don’t be sorry, I deserved it. I’m not trying to justify what I did, I know I fucked up, I was just venting. I know I need to fix this, but I don’t know how. The only thing that takes the edge off is alcohol, but I know I shouldn’t use it. I guess I need to see a doctor, but it’s so hard to trust, so hard to give anyone else control.”
“Speshow-nummies hewp Buddy sickies, maybe hewp mummah tuu?”
Mummah laughed. “You’re pretty sharp, aren’t you?”
“Nu, Buddy jus’ nu am fuckin’ mowon.”
Mummah’s tear-stained face snapped around. “What?”
“Wut? Nu aww smawties am asshowes. Mummah shawe hew secwet, am onwy faiw fow Buddy tu shawe. Buddy wan mummah see someting am faiw at weast.”
“Wow, I…kind of feel like an idiot for not realizing that earlier.”
“Weww, mummah am dummeh.”
“I can’t really argue with that. I’ll try to get help. Thank you, Buddy.”
Part 14
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Oh snap. Oh snap.
This is possibly the one time I’ve seen a fluffy use actual swear words besides ‘dummeh’ or ‘meanie’ and it didn’t make me cringe.
Probably because you kept it down to two in a reveal sentence, rather than sprinkling one in every moment.
Great inner conflict for Alice and awesome Buddy being the voice of reason, despite him knowing he can’t fully understand how humans work. Snowball is traumatized, curious to see how things will go for her…
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I’m loving this. I went back and read the whole series and Buddy’s mental health and responses make so much sense based on the story. Him snapping now actually makes sense. What’s he got left to lose?
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This hits too close to home. She has it a lot worse than I do, but yeah, I can ee worst case scenarios playing in my head a lot.
As much as I ordinarily am against Fluffies being able to comprehend complicated human emotions and mental illness, I’m really glad Buddy was able to slap Alice with a hard backhand of truth. Girl sure had chased off or fled any actual human for fear of hearing that.
Incidentally, for those suffering from that sort of variant of anxiety ( the 'I can’t stop worrying about x happening ) I can try to share what eventually got me out of it, once the drugs and booze stopped working- you have to accept, at a certain level, YOU CANNOT CONTROL EVERYTHING. You only have power over one monkey-creature on the planet full of them, and that’s YOU. Somehow, you have to find a way to make peace with that fact. Its not easy, and I can’t tell you what would work for you because I don’t know you. But you’re going to miss out on enjoying your present if you can’t find a way to accept that not everything is going to work out like you want it to.
Not sure how Alice is going to do with getting help, but at least she’s stopped making excuses to continue her cycle of abusive behavior.