'Cause I’m the Man who turns (the damn thing off and on!)
>Be Tulip, a purple Fluffy Pony Mare with a pale red mane and tail.
>Daddy spends most of his time away, and Mummy is always so busy in the Garden, so you’re lonely, but for a while, he gave you a Magic Toy that, if you pushed the button on it, would let you talk to him, no matter where he was!
>Eventually, Daddy said the Toy ran out of Magic, and that made you sad.
>Just before the Magic ran out, Daddy got very angry at a piece of paper and yelled and swore and said “FUCKING $800 DOLLARS?”
>Daddy said that Phone Plan was Poopies.
>What’s a ‘Phone Plan’?
>But you know that Daddy has a Magic Toy of his own, but it doesn’t have just one big red button, like yours. It doesn’t have any buttons, as far as you can tell!
>It’s small, flat, and can show moving pictures! But Daddy says you can’t play with it, it’s very fragile.
>Daddy got so sad after you broke his last fragile toy. You don’t know why he was so sad, that ‘Tie-ran-eed’ was an Ugly-Scawy-Nasty-Bug Munsta, not a Toy! You were sure it was waiting for Daddy to drop his guard so it could leap out and give him Owies!
>The Flat Magic Toy also calls out for Daddy, and tries to run to him, but the Flat Magic Toy has no legs, so it can only lie there and shake furiously.
>Poor Flat Magic Toy. You feel so sorry for it. It’s like that legless Fluffy across the road. It wants to run, to play, to hug, but it can’t …
>Poor, poor sad little Flat Magic Toy.
>A desperate Drrrrr! Drrrrr! Drrrrr! starts to come from the coffee table, where Daddy left his paper before he went outside!
>“Oooh! Fwat Mah’ghek Toy! Tuwip hewp, Tuwip take yuu tu Daddy!” You shout as you hear the Flat Magic Toy trying desperately to find Daddy!
>Daddy went out the door a little while ago, maybe he’s still there?
>Rush over to the coffee Table and jump up, trying to see the … oh! There it is! It’s lying in the middle of the Paper!
>Maybe it’s finished having a nap and is looking for Daddy? You’re not allowed on the Coffee Table …
>OH! Wait! Idea! You grab a corner of the paper in your mouth and tug, and hear the Drrrr! Drrrrr! Drrrrr! noise get closer!
>Hooray! Flat Magic Toy will be in your hooves shortly, and then you can…
>Wait, why is the Paper moving so … NUUUUUUU!
>“Nuuuuu!l Why Pay’pah su mean?!” You shout in dismay as the paper comes slithering off the Coffee Table, carrying the Flat
Magic Toy with it, and buries you under it’s meanie black and white wings!
>Be the Owner. Come back inside, your beeper clutched in your hand.
>You’re sure your beeper just went off, somebody must have been trying to ring you.
>But there’s nothing on the coffee table … you can’t see the fallen newspaper on the ground, your line of sight is obscured by your couch.
>“Huh, maybe I left it in the car?” You ask yourself out loud, and then shut the door behind you.
>And didn’t you have a newspaper back there too?
>Be Tulip, lying so very still under the Meanie Paper and holding your breath, the Thin Magic Toy clutched to your body so it will be quiet.
>Daddy will be so angry! You only wanted to help, but you made a mess!
>Finally, you hear Daddy leave again, and let your breath out, going limp …
>Drrrrrt! Drrrrrt! Drrrrrt!
>Daddy’s Thing Magic Toy is trying to find him again! It must have heard Daddy’s voice and gotten excited again!
>“Nu, n-u-u-u-u, be quiet!” You beg it, as the Thin Magic Toy vibrates so hard on your tummy. “Dad-d-d-ddy wiww gif Sowwy Stick tu T-tuwip if y-y-yuu nu stawp da-a-a-at!”
>Every time the Thing Magic Toy tries to call for Daddy, it vibrates, and makes your voice go all funny.
>It tickles too, but you can’t play now, Daddy will … meep!
>The Thing Magic Toy vibrates out of your hooves, and slides back … between your back legs! It’s leaning on your teats, against your naughty place, and then it calls for Daddy again!
>Drrrrt! Drrrrt! Drrrrt!
>You squeak and flinch so hard you kick the Newspaper, and it goes flying off you, leaving you exposed to view and staring in shock and horror at the Thin Magic Toy as it tries to give you Special Hugs!
>it… it just … how is it … how can it … no! Daddy said …
>“Nuuuu, Tuwip is Guud Fwuffy!” You bawl, wriggling away on your back as the Magic Toy vibrates furiously against you. “Daddy say Tuwip nu awwowed tu haf Baybehs ‘gain! Nu wan haf Speshaw Huggies! NU CAN HAF SPESHAW HUGGIES!”
>The Magic Toy falls off you as you wriggle away, and lies on the ground, shuddering and twitching on the carpet, giving it’s Special Hugs to the ground while you crawl away, stunned and startled.
>It… how… you never … how could it … what?
>You’ve never felt anything like that! Your teats are still buzzing, your naughty place tingles … and the Magic Toy doesn’t even have naughty place of it’s own!
>Roll onto your hooves and creep over to the Thin Magic Toy and poke it gently with your nose, and it starts to make the Drrrrt! Drrrrt! Drrrrt! noises again!
>Maybe … maybe it’s hasn’t been calling for Daddy after all.
>Maybe it’s been calling for you …
>And it doesn’t have a Naughty Place that you can see… no Naughty Place to go into your own, and give you the Babies that Daddy says you can’t have…
>It’s been so long since you had Special Huggies …
>“Yuu … yuu is wan be Tuwip’s Sp-speshaw Fwiend?” You whisper, and feel your heart thunder in your chest as the Thin Magic Toy vibrates and calls again, vibrating right under your hooves before stopping.
>“Is oh’tay, Tuwip take guud cawe of yuu, Speshaw Fwiend.” You whisper to it, lying down on top of the Magic Special Friend, because it has no legs to hug you back, and wait for it to get ready to give you Special Hugs! “Tuwip make suwe dat Daddy nu can take yuu ‘way fwom hewe ‘gain.”
>“Yeah, I still can’t find the old phone anywhere.” You sigh as you and the wife program all the numbers of your friends and family into the new smart-phone. “Looked under the couch, in the car, in the garden, under the bed, nothing."
>“Well … it’s not that big of a problem, is it, Honey? You were getting called at all hours of the day by those Ogres …” Your wife replies, rubbing your shoulders, trying to destress you. That phone you lost had all your work contacts on it. A week of having to run around and get them all again, many of them unlisted to try and avoid the worst of the spam and hate-mail, has left you annoyed and frustrated.
>“They’re called ‘Trolls’, dear.” You remind her gently.
>“… Trolls. This new phone has an automatic lockout on it, so only numbers you’ve listed as ‘known’ can come through.”
>“I know, I know, it’s just … that was the phone I took with us on our trips.” You sigh again … and dial in your old number. “Maybe it’s just somewhere in the house, and we just haven’t looked hard enough.”
>“Honey, that damn phone had a ring-tone that could wake the dead.” The Wife points out, laughing softly as she kneads at the knots of tension in your shoulders and neck. “Do you remember how often we’d get woken up at night with that damn song blaring in our house?”
>“Yeah, I remember. And I remember turning the ring-tone off, and leaving it on vibration only. Dammit!” You stare into the screen for a moment, and then press the ‘dial’ button. “One last check around the house then. You take the end of the hallway, and I’ll take the kitchen and loungeroom …”
>Be Tulip, in your ‘Safe Room’.
>You’re playing with your Lego Blocks, because Daddy and Mummy are still looking for your Thin Special Friend.
>Your heart hurts. You didn’t mean to lie, you didn’t want to, but you were so afraid … and so excited!
>Daddy would have smacked your bottom and been disappointed in you, but you would have also lost the Thin Special Friend.
>It doesn’t talk much, doesn’t eat, doesn’t play … it’s not much of a Friend, but it is very, very Special!
>It calls for you all the time, making it’s Drrrrt! Drrrrrt! Drrrrrt! noises at all hours of the day, so you have to jump on top of it so Mummy or Daddy doesn’t hear.
>Good Feels … it’s vibrations make your body sing, and if you sit on it … wooooo!
>Special Hugs all the time, Good Feels almost all the time, and no Babies, so Daddy doesn’t have to take them away!
>But … you’d like to have Babies again, someday, when they can stay with you forever and you can be with them all the time. Your old Babies live with Daddy’s Brother, who lives far away, so you only get to see your Babies at ‘Cweest-mash’.
>They don’t remember you as their Mumma. And that makes you sad, but you are happy that they are big and strong and happy.
>Suddenly … Drrrrt! Drrrrt! Drrrrt!, from your Bed!
>“Hoooh! Thin Speshaw Fwiend wan’ mowe Speshaw Huggies?” You gasp in surprise, dropping a block onto the carpet.
>It’s insatiable! Not even those Feral Quintuplets could keep up with the Thin Special Friend!
>Run as fast as you can over to your bed, knowing full well that the Thin Special Friend can only call out or give Special Huggies for so long.
>If it would just eat, maybe it could have the energy to give Special Huggies for longer!
>Clamber into your bed and push aside one of the pillows to expose the Thin Special Friend, turn around and drop your belly and teats onto it’s furiously vibrating back.
>Drrrrt! Drrrrt! Drrrrt!
>“Oo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ohh! Yuu is gu-u-u-ud Spes-ah-haw Fwiend-d-d-d!” You say loudly, gasping as the vibrations surge through your body, making everything tingle!
>Drrrrt! Drrrrt! Drrrrt!
>“Nnn-nnn-nnn! Auhn! Ee-e-enf! Eeeee-e-e-e-eenf!” You can’t stop gasping and making silly sounds! So good! Oooooh!
>Drrrrt! Drrrrt! Drrrrt!
>“Tuh-tuwip wuv yu-uu-uu-uu so much!” You gasp one final time, feeling the tingles shoot through you before the Thin Special Friend falls asleep again.
>Aaaaah … that was some Good Feels … tingly-feelings still making your fluff stand on end and making you feel all floppy and happy …
>But it’s not the Bestest Good Feels … not like what the Thin Special Friend used to give you when you first started to be together … but how do you make the Thin Special Friend stay awake long enough? You’ve tried everything, offering hugs, yelling at it, playing with a ball in front of it … nothing works.
>Makes you a little bit worried. Aren’t you good enough? Is the Thin Special Friend … disappointed with your Special Hugs?
>"W-why nu wait fo’ Tuwip? Tuwip awways come wunnin’ when Speshaw Fwiend wan haf Speshaw Huggies … why nu wait fo’ Tuwip tu haf Guud Feews tuu?" You ask with a whine, but the Thin Special Friend remains silent, and damp, beneath you.
>So you lie there, panting and waiting for your Thin Special Friend to wake up again, and wonder just what it is you could be doing to make Special Hugs more exciting.
>“Honey …” You hear the Wife say from the end of the hallway, sounding like she’s trying to not laugh. That or she’s got a repeat of that sinus infection she picked up in Taihiti. “How many more hours do you have left on the old phone?”
>“Uhm … about thirty, I think.” You reply, wondering what the hell she’s on about. “I was going to get them all transferred to the new account.”
>“No. You’re going to transfer them to my account.” The Wife says firmly as she walks back into the lounge-room, with that ‘or else’ look plastered across her face that threatens a week of Ninja-Style Dutch Ovens if you defy her. “Now, I have something to explain to you … and keep your voice down, this’ll only work if Tulip doesn’t know we’re on to her.”
>Well … you managed to keep your voice down, at least, but you lost major Man-Points for the hysterical giggling.
>And you lost a lot more points when the Wife took you out to the Garage and opened an old box …
>“GOOD GOD! Wife, you amaze me … and also kinda make me feel outnumbered! There’s enough fiddlesticks in here to keep a busload of cheerleaders happy!” You shouted in-between fits of laughter. Sweet Baby Bhudda, the Wife could open her own knock-shop with this collection!
>You earned a clip over the ears when you asked if the increase in girth in her Sock-Drawer Stuffers was because of you. Still… you did spend a few years being home only once or twice a fortnight when you were trying to build up your contacts, so it’s not surprising that the Wife turned to the old Plastic Fantastic to help the time pass.
>Still, Tulip should get a kick out of this, and then some!
>“Mmph. Why suu bwite?” You mumble, blinking your eyes and trying to get the gummy ickies out of them.
>Daddy gave you Sketties last night. They tasted … a little strange, but still, Sketties!
>But you kept on thinking about how you lied to Daddy about the Thin Special Friend, and you could only eat a few mouthfuls before the pain in your heart made it impossible to keep eating Daddy’s Sketties.
>And then you were sooooo tiiiiiiiiired …
>Wait, were the pillows in your bed always this high off the bottom?
>DRRRR DRRRRR DRRRRRRR!
>“Mumma o’ Fwuff!” You shout in alarm as the entire bed starts to shake violently, and things start to wriggle their way out!
>Wait, you know what… OH!
>No-No’s! Giant, wriggling, vibrating Stallion No-Nos! And there’s the Thin Special Friend … it’s flat screen is lit up, but it’s not vibrating.
>“Ahem … Special Friend, the time has come to leave you, for I am old. But I have brought all of my … Herd? Yes, my Herd, to be your Special Friends.” The Thin Special Friend says, glowing down at you as his No-No’s Herd wriggles and writhes all around you. “I am sure they will be all that you need. Farewell, Special Friend.”
>And with that, the Screen on your Special Friend goes dark, and you have a moment to feel a terrible, heart-wrenching loss … and then the pillows give way, and your Thin Special Friend’s impatient Herd of Giant No-No’s all fall towards you.
>“Nuu aww at once!” You shout in alarm before your entire world becomes a sea of wiggling, gigga-gigga-gigga No-Nos!
>Be the Husband, now understanding why your wife insisted you call her constantly when you were away from home almost constantly all those years ago.
>All the damn vibrators are linked up via a bluetooth chip so that every time a specific phone rings, they’ll activate.
>So when you called her, all those years ago, the damn things would spring to life. No wonder the Wife was always happy to hear from you …
>“Well … how long do you think we should wait until going in to try and recover the phone, Honey? Honey, what’s the matter…” You turn to your wife as you snap your new phone shut, your voice trailing off as you see her with this … deranged smile on her face!
>“Dear … dear! For the love of everything, turn around right now.” The wife manages to say, then begins to whoop with laughter.
>You spin around …
>There’s Tulip, a manic grin on her face, vibrating out of her room, slowly turning one way, then another, with her legs tightly clenched under her.
>There’s the biggest Sock-Drawer Stuffer clenched under her body with all four legs, wiggling madly and possibly her only source of motion, as it’s this ‘Goliath’s’ vibrations that make Tulip ‘move’ like one of those old wind-up ‘barking dog’ toys.
>There’s a pair of thin ‘chopstick’ models involved too, twirling vigorously under her tail, which is sticking straight up in the air, waving from side to side furiously.
>“Wuuu-uuuu-uuuu-uuu-uuvv Spe-eee-eee-eecc-ii-iii-aaaahhhh Fff-ffff-ffff-ffww-wweeeei-iiiienn-ddddddd-ssssssss!” You manage to hear Tulip gasp as she goes vibrating out of her safe room, then down the hallway in a long, meandering path, before the vibrating ‘dance’ of her new ‘Special Friends’ sends her into your laundry, going “Eeeee-eeeee-eeeen-nnnn-nnffffff-ffffffffff!” the whole way.
>As you slowly regain your breath, the Wife with you on the floor after your collective fit of laughter, you listen to Tulip’s ‘‘encouragements’ as she vibrates and bumps around on the tiles.
>Still chuckling, rubbing the tears out of your eyes and crawling up the hallway to recover your old phone from Tulip’s safe room, and the Wife pushes ‘redial’ on her own mobile phone, making Tulip cheer lustily from somewhere in the laundry.
>“…'Cause I’m the man who turns, the damn thing off and on.” You whisper to yourself, remembering that old, old song.
