“Dis am smawty wand now! Dummeh hoomie gib hewd sketties!”
Jolene was not in the mood for this. She was having a nice evening at home with her pet fluffy, Cayenne. They were making chili. Then there was the thump at the front door, and now there was a smarty, a mare behind him with babies on her back, and what looked like a herd of about a half dozen more fluffies in her front yard.
“Can ah help you?” She asked, in her slow drawl. The red smarty glared up at her.
“Dummeh hoomin huwd smawtie da fuwst time. Dis hewd wand now. Gib sketties, gib toysies, do wha’ smawtie say!”
“No, ah don’t think ah will. You are interruptin’ my night, while my fluffy and I are making dinner. Ah am going to ask you to git’!”
The smarty had been creeping forward while making his demands, nosing his way over her threashold. Jolene had noticed and slammed the door in his face. She smiled to herself as she heard a thud on the door and a muffled cry of “wowsted huwties!”.
Returning to the kitchen, Cayenne was waiting for her on the counter where she’d left her. Cayenne was a smart little thing. She knew getting to close to the edge would get her hurt, she knew touching the “stabbeh toysies” would make the “boo boo juice” come out of her hooves. Cayenne was there to do one job, and one job only: taste tests.
“Who was dat, mummah?”, Cayenne asked her mother in a squeaker version of Jolene’s accent? “Was dey commin’ fo’ dinnah?”
“No fire-butt, they were some bad fluffies, and I turned them away. Any more of them, and I would have wished them a ‘bless your heart’.”
“Wow mummah! Dey make mummah vewy angwy if mummah wan’ dem to bwess dey heawts!”
“Ok ok baby girl, momma and Cayenne are gonna make us some super deluxe chili and watch Fluffy TV tonight.”
“Wub mummah! Wub chiwi! Wub teebee!” Cayenne exclaimed. Jolene smiled at that. She’s such a good girl.
Jolene looked to her fluffy. Cayenne sat on her rump in the center of the counter. Her tricolor mane and tail like soft campfire flames wafting gently as she bobbed her head and wiggled in place. “Cayenne, have I told you lately that you are just the prettiest little thang? Can’t believe your momma called you a poopy baby!”
Cayenne perked up even more. “Ya did mummah, but Cayenne awways wike mo wub from mummah!”
Jolene moved to the slow cooker on the counter. She didn’t like open flame around her fluffy, and the slow cooker was never hot enough to actually hurt Cayenne. Plus it made the best chili.
“OK fire-butt, do you remember the recipe?”
“Cayenne wemembah, mummah! Fiwst we puts in da moo moo juice.”
“That’s right sweetie, two cartons of beef stock. What’s next?”
“Den we puts in da gwound tuwkey!”
“Right again, girl. Keep going!”
“Den we puts in da most impowtant pawt! Da cayenne peppah! But not da Cayenne fwuffy!”
“Right again, Cayenne.”
Jolene proceeded through the rest of the recipe with her Fluffy, adding plenty of cayenne, red pepper, tomato sauce, crushed red. Jolene liked her chili hot. Cayenne lived up to her name and liked it the exact same way.
Ingredients added to the slow cooker, Jolene and Cayenne retired to the living room for the night to watch FluffTV. Cayenne was tough, but she needed to be held through Fluffydale, the grim life of a feral always something that disturbed her.
Jolene put Cayenne to bed her in her safe room, and moved off to her own bedroom. The faint smell of the chili filing the house, promising to be an absolutely magnificent breakfast for the both of them.
“The fuck am ah lookin’ at out here?”
Jolene had just set Cayenne down on the patio table, along with two piping bowls of chili. Each bowl steamed in the cool morning air, a small mountain of cheese slowly melting in to each.
“Mummah say bad wowd!”
“Mummah gonna say more bad words, fire-butt.” Jolene looked out over her back yard. Planters knocked over, feces in piles everywhere. Flower beds pulled up, the chewed remains of daffodils scattered about.
“Dummeh hoomin no wisten to smawtie! Smawtie take wand fo’ hewd!”
Jolene looked down at the same red smarty that had disrupted her time with Cayenne the evening prior. She could feel her blood start to boil in her veins.
“Bless your heart mister smarty, you have gone and put me in a mood.” Jolene glared down at the destructive little creature.
Behind her she could here Cayenne gasp. “Smawtie don goofed! Mummah in a moowd!”
The smarty backed off a bit, but glared up at Jolene. “Smawty take wand for hewd. Dummeh hoomin gib sketties! Gib toysies! Cwean poopies!”
Jolene looked over the Caynne. “What do you think baby girl? Should we show our guests some southern hospitality?”
Cayenne smiled at Jolene. “Mummah teww Cayenne to awawys be hospiabew.”
Jolene looked back to the smarty. “Well sir, I don’t have any spaghetti, but I do have something even better. I have chili. Cayenne and I have a whole pot of it that we just can’t wait to share with you and your herd!”
Jolene brought out the whole pot of chili, along with a stack of bowls, enough to feed the whole herd. She set the bowls on the ground and ladled a generous portion for each fluffy.
The smarty approached a bowl and took a deep sniff. His eyes started to water. “Dis smeww funny. See-pwaces huwty. Nu smeww gud.”
“Ah don’t know what you are talking about, mister smarty. It’s perfectly good chili!”
Jolene pulled a heaping spoonful of chili and stuffed it in her mouth. She chewed thoughtfully and swallowed. She made an exaggerated shiver and smiled at the smarty.
Cayenne leaned in to her bowl and began to scarf the chili greedily. She brought her head up, her light brown face fluff stained red with tomato.
Jolene pulled out a paper towel and gave Cayenne’s mouth a good wipe. “There you go Cayenne, all cleaned up!”
She turned back to the smarty. “Ya see? Perfectly fine to eat!”
The smarty looked at Jolene and Cayenne, looked at the bowl, and then looked at his herd. “Hewd come get nummies!”
The gaggle of fluffies trotted up to the bowls and together they started devouring the chili.
“Did we make it right, Cayenne?”
“Chiwi made wight, mummah. Chiwi hab swow buwn. Bested buwnies!”
Shortly after they had finished downing their meals, the feral herd began to learn the meaning of ‘slow burn.’
“WOWSTED MOUF HUWTIES!” the feral fluffies were all screaming and running in circles in the yard. Jolene didn’t even care that they were shitting all over her yard in their pain and panic. This sight alone was worth it. Cayenne was giggling on the table watching as well.
The smarty, in obvious pain, came stomping up to Jolene. “Hoomie gib huwties to hewd. Smawtie gib hoomin fowebba sweepies!” The smarty lowered his head and charged at Jolene.
The creature, no larger than a house cat, bounced of her shin.
Jolene squatted down next to the smarty. The pandemonium was settling, and most of the fluffies were on their sides or backs, softly weeping.
“Cayenne, I have a question for you.”
“Wut dat mummah?”
“These feral fluffies invaded our home, and we showed them hospitality by feeding them. And they thank us by attacking me! Is that how you treat your host, fire-butt?”
“Nu mummah. Fwuffy shu’ be tankfuw fow hospitawity.”
“I think you’re right, Cayenne. I think it’s time to throw out these unwelcome guests.”
Jolene grabbed the smarty by his scruff. The sudden movement shocking him out of his daze after his rebound from Jolene’s shin.
“BAD UPSIES!” the smarty shouted. Jolene turned him to stare him directly in the face.
“You interrupt my time with my friend, you destroy my property, you eat my food and then attack me. You are no longer welcome at my home.”
“Gib sowwy-poopies to mean hoomin!” the smarty replied. He had angled his posterior to point at her. His face was scrunched up and he looked ready to burst. But his sorry poopies were a non-starter.
“And then you try to shit on me! Looks like the chili did its work though. Your tank is empty, friend.”
Jolene hoisted the smarty above her head. “All you trespasser better git! This is Cayenne and Jolene land! Anyone not going pronto, gets removed like this smarty here!”
Jolene held the smarty one handed in front of her, wriggling in pain as she tightened her grip on his scruff. She swung him down, behind, and over her head, letting go at the last moment.
The smarty sailed over the yard, in to the adjacent field and landed with a dull thump.
“Y’all come back, you end up in the chili pot next time.” Jolene glared daggers at the rest of the herd. Their terror had overcome their pain, and they scattered in to the field.
Jolene could hear soft cries of “Hu hu hu, weggies nu wowk. Hewp smawtie!”
She sat back down with Cayenne. “Mummah mood bettah now?”
“Yes Cayenne, mommy’s mood is better now. Thank you. We’ll hose the yard down later and then we’ll go to the store and buy more daffodils.”
Cayenne perked up at that. She loved the flower store. There were so many pretty flowers and so many pretty smells!
“Cayenne wub mummah! Cayenne hab queschun do.”
“What’s your question, cutie?” Jolene replied?
“Wut fwuffy chiwi taste wike?”