“ChirpyChastiser86 here and today I’ll be pulling an epic prank on, you guessed it, talkie babbehs.” A young man speaking with a monotone into his phone. Very serious. Despite the chicanery his activities came with his audience had come to expect nothing but an incredibly grave tone because he was on a mission from God.
The target of today were a litter of talkie babbehs sitting inside a cardboard box with it’s mother. Walking up to the fluffies, he regarded them closely. Hungry. Dirty, with alleyway grease and twigs poking out of their fluff. They smelled pretty bad but that’s to be expected when you poop right next to where you sleep.
“Hello, little fluffies.” He said with a sick chuckle, leveling his phone up to record them all. The mummah, a mare with orange and white fluff, smiled up to him curiously.
“Hewwo! Yew be nyu daddeh ‘fo mummah an widdew babbehs?” An enthusiastic tailwag, her four foals gathering in close to her as if to seek protection.
Smile widening, he asked her a question: “Do you like candy?”
Did the mare like candy? Of course! Enthusiastic nods followed from her. “Yis! Mummah wub sweetie nummies! Babbehs nebah hab befowe buh Necawine hab!”
A hand flashed out from his pocket. Five king-sized candy bars were dropped in front of her. Name brand at that. “Hah! Perhaps you were expecting fun sized because of the dimunitive nature of your offspring! HAHAHAHA!” With that he tore out of the alleyway at a winded sprint, sure the police had been called and were on their way. Too fast to even hear the excited ‘Dank yews!’ from Necatarine.
+++++
Meet Donald Evan. Like most people with two first names he happened to be an incredibly foul and nasty character. Chubby and fairly short with a balding head that had a baseball cap shoved over it. Only 19 but cursed with poor genetics on that front. Always dressed sharply in a pair of khakhi cargo shorts, a slightly ill-fitting polo shirt, and socks with brown leather sandals. Thick-framed glasses rested on his nose, constantly needing to be nudged up.
Donald is best known by his online handle: ChirpyChastiser86. He has a Youtube channel where he usually posted his rants or pranks, and proudly boasts over 5,000 subscribers.
Hearing a police siren, the villain of this story ducks into a McDonalds. No criminals ever get caught in this place, even if the sirens were for an arson call. Sneaking off to the bathroom, enters and makes sure the place is quiet. Choosing a stall he hits the record button on his phone and places a call.
“Hello, Hasbio Customer Service. How can we be of service today?” A cheerful responded after several moments of a hold song. The hold song being an electronica version of the ‘Mummah Song’.
Holding back his snickers, Donald responds with: “Are your Foal-in-a-Can machines running?”
There was a long pause. Several bursts of rapid typing on the other connection. “Yes, sir, all of our machines seem operational. Would you like to report an outage or malfunction?”
Squeezing his phone and feeling triumphant giddiness explode in his heart, Donald exclaimed: “No and have a blessed day!”
Disconnecting the call he gave a deep breath, a rattling sigh. Perhaps this was going too far. They would certainly call the cyberpolice after he dropped this banger of a prank recording on the world.
Ah, cheese and beans. Almost 3 PM and he was supposed to be meeting his girlfriend for a date. Stepping out of the stall and making sure everything was proper on his person, he went out to meet her.
++++
The next destination was Sweethearts, a local fluffy cafe. Not only were there fluffies who lived there full-time, but owners could bring their beloved li’l fluffballs inside to enjoy the festivities. Standing outside the establishment, Donald steeled himself. This was the core of where the enemy lay. A stronghold containing their will and desires. Yet he was stronger and would overcome them in the only way someone like him was suited for.
Stepping into the cafe, he found himself assaulted by the decor. Soft, earthy wood paneling. Simple rainbows and fluffy decals on the walls. Potted flowers which were non-toxic in case fluffies decided they wanted a nibble. Litterboxes were kept in a different room and the only thing you could smell was coffee and the sweet herbal earthiness of whatever shampoo the employees used on the resident fluffies. Sickening. Yet bringing joy to his heart was the apple of his eye.
Emily. If there was a woman more perfect, Donald couldn’t imagine. She’d been very thin when he first met her but he went over to her apartment to help her clean. Cook her Johnny Marzetti or chipped beef on toast. Somewhat pale with dark circles under her eyes, fading red nail polish. She kind of dressed like one of the townspeople on Little House on the Prairie and Donald personally found this quite fetching. Sat in front of her was a pink & white pillowed mare by the name of Penelope.
“Donald!” Emily cried, jumping up from the table she was sat at. Giggling and wiggling her stumps around, Penelope was incredibly happy to see Donald. She considered him her daddeh though Emily had said not to say that…
Squeezing up against him and trembling a bit, Emily nudged her face against his shoulder. “You’re five minutes late. I was worried you ran off with one of those online hussies from your Youtube channel…”
Giving her a hug in return, he shook his head. “No way! You’re…heh…the only babe for me.” His honest words caused the young woman to blush and pull back, nervously nibbling on her braid. Some people might find that habit to be quite disturbing but like all of her mannerisms, Donald found it endearing in it’s own way.
“Allow me to go order for you. What’ll you have?” He asked his girlfriend, who noted she wanted whatever the house coffee was.
Penelope giggled and wriggled around on top of the table she was propped up on. “Wan fwuffachino pwease! Dank yew Mistah da…Donawd!”
Heh. Simple enough. Swagging up to the front counter with far more confidence than you’d think of a man like him, Donald crossed his arms and gave the order. Though it wasn’t one Fluffachino on order today.
“A Fluffachino for every fluffy in this place!” A Fluffachino was just steamed, frothed milk with cinnamon powder and sprinkles on top.
Giving a sunny smile, the woman working the cash register nodded. “Wow! So generous! You must really love fluffies!”
Now it was time for ChirpyChastiser86 to fully reveal himself and reveal the twisted machinations that drove him. “No sprinkles.”
“…” Blinking a bit, the woman gave him a quizzical expression. “The sprinkles are free! They just add a bit of fun to the drink.”
Leaning over on the counter, Donald whispered: “No sprinkles.”
+++++
After the date with Emily had concluded and he’d kissed Emily on the cheek and bid her a merry farewell, Donald tooled around town looking for the newest victim. Of course he already had two videos in the barrel but his fans had come to expect many uploads from him. Quantity AND quality. It was the best of both worlds for this workhorse of a man.
Stalking through the park, he found it. The perfect victim. A plain brown mummah with her two chirpy babbehs. Also brown. Heh heh.
Stepping over to them, he watched as the mummah shrank away. Fearful of humans because they mistreated her for being brown. All they ever wanted to do was be mean to her, never being nice at all.
“Pwease…weab fwuffy alone.” She said pitifully. Leave her alone? She wished. Looking down to the pathetic nest she’d gathered up in a bush, he had quite the prank to pull on her. His own mother had told him many times that the thing which annoyed her most was being explained to on how to raise her children.
“You’re raising your babies all wrong. You call this a nest? That one is laying on a wet dryer sheet!” Telling her this, he reached down and snatched up the peeping little creature in one hand.
Squealing, the mummah raised up off of the random sticks and trash she’d collected. “Nu! Pwease dun huwt babbeh! Babbeh am omwy babbeh!”
Unzipping his bookbag, Donald retrieved an empty toilet paper roll. One half of it had been stuffed with a small luxurious feeling cloth. He gently placed the chirpy into the toilet paper roll, the babbeh peeping happily at being surrounded on all sides by such a soft warm thing. He set the roll down the repeated the process wth the other foal.
“There. I saw that on Reddit. Don’t you know how to take care of babies?”
Whimpering, the fluffy shook her head. “Ginny nu know how tu take care ob babbehs. Twy su hard buh am dummeh.”
Angling his phone down at her, Donald shook his head. “Look at her admit it, guys. Heh heh. Well let’s really prank this bad mother.”
With that, he spent around 40 minutes teaching her all he know about taking care of chirpies. Which, admittedly, was a lot. He’d read up on them the same way a vampire hunter would before going out to stake a few of the undead monsters because, after all, knowledge was half the battle.
“And look. Don’t sing the mummah song all day. You know what? Chirpies listen to everything going on around them. It’s their most informative time. So say lots of words, not just the same ones over and over.” Oh yes. This had been quite the destruction of a fluffy. He’d just waltzed on in here like he owned the place and completely destroyed the autonomy she had over being a mother.
“Mistah, wiw yew cum back an’see babbehs?” She asked with a look of hope in her eyes.
A shake of his head. “No, no. I’ve terrified you three enough. You better hope you don’t get on my radar ever again, kid.”