[CyborgCosmonaut] Stories From a Fluffy Exterminator: Prologue

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(This is my first ever Fluffy Pony story, please provide all constructive feedback possible, I want to improve!)

Date: 25/02/20XX

Dear Manager Howe,
I’m writing to you in concern for one of our recent recruits for the newly established Hasbio Pest Control Squadron (HPCS). A young man by the name of Barry Fawkes sent his application form in two weeks prior and after careful consideration between myself and the on-site Extermination Specialist, we have put Mr. Fawkes’ application on hold until we’ve received your approval.

I understand you are incredibly passionate about the success of the HPCS, Cleveland was a disaster, one which Hasbio is determined to never repeat, as such the HPCS were created as a way to prevent the growth of Feral populations before we had another Cleveland incident on our hands.

Back to Mr. Fawkes, while physically he’s passed, as well as academically, our main concern is his mental well-being. Abuser personalities are hardly an issue within the HPCS, as you have made painfully clear during prior meetings, but we worry Mr. Fawkes personality could run far deeper than a simple Abuser or Hugboxer. Attached below is a transcript of a short interview between myself (K) and Mr. Fawkes (F).

K: Question 1: Have you ever owned a Fluffy Pony?
F: Yes.
K: Question 2: Were you at all abusive or overly harsh to your Fluffy Pony?
F: Never.
K: …Can you tell me more about your pet Fluffy?
F: Sure, I suppose.
K: Thank you. Just some easy information, name, gender, breed, etc.
F: Right… her name was Periwinkle, she was a unicorn mare with gorgeous lavender fluff, a flowing orchid mane and eyes like amethysts…
K: You seem quite proud of her, Mr. Fawkes. You mentioned ‘was’? Did something happen to her?
Mr. Fawkes seems to become tense, leaning forwards in his seat and idly scratching at his pants
F: I… lost her during the Cleveland crisis, at Skettiland. This’ll sound crazy but… she saved me from a piece of falling debris, warned me just in time. It hit her instead.
K: I see… that must have impacted you immensely.
F: I’ve never hurt like I did that day. Spent a full week in my house, eagle eying every news outlet possible for an explanation on why everything went to shit, pardon my language. I had to know. I had to know who I could blame for what happened, and every report I saw from Hasbio was that a Feral herd was responsible for the Fall of Cleveland.
K: Yes that appears to be the common consensus…
Suddenly, Mr. Fawkes leans forwards, looming over my desk
F: Tell me, doc. Did a Feral herd really cause all that to happen?
K: …Yes, Mr. Fawkes. Due to interference from a wandering herd of Feral Fluffies, the Skettiland theme park suffered cataclysmic levels of electrical and mechanical damages.
Mr. Fawkes returns to his seat, appearing calm
F: That’s all I needed to know. When can I start?
K: We’ll process your application and get back to you with the results within three weeks. Thank you for your time and the… enlightening conversation, Mr. Fawkes.
F: Likewise, doc.
The interview ends

With this transcript in mind and the attached application .pdf I would like to hear your input on if Mr. Fawkes is a suitable candidate for placement within the HPCS. Please respond ASAP.

Kind regards,
Karter O. Boyle
Hasbio Psychiatrist

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Just testing the waters with this. If I decide to follow up on this story it will be in a much more traditional format.

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Since this is a prologue, it’s scene setting and that’s been managed quite well - you have a FNG applying for a corporate death squad, who’s undergoing psychiatric screening as part of the application process, and this is all set in the Cleveland universe.

The tone isn’t quite right for a professional internal email, especially one where neither recipient know each other well - the use of a job title rather than the manager’s first name is one clue for this, although from my experience of the corporate ladder, manager is a role rather than a title (e.g. a title would be store manager, general manager, etc).

The psychologist is also flip-flopping between informal and formal; the general tone of the email is conversational (e.g. ‘Back to Mr. Fawkes’), but he refers to Barry as Mr. Fawkes, which isn’t.
That said, this could be just down to the psychologist being incapable of writing in a formal manner.

Is Barry also former enlisted or overly friendly? He calls Karter ‘doc’, in what is presumably a formal job interview: if he were the former, it’s understandable as it’s ingrained habit; if he’s a civilian, then there’s no reason why he’d be so casual and informal in a (presumably) professional job interview.

Also if Barry hasn’t actually been hired yet, he’s an applicant, not a recruit.

Last comment is regarding to the sign off of ‘Hasbio Psychiatrist’: Why the ‘Hasbio’ part? Does Hasbio have their own psychiatry training programme that doesn’t have equivalence to a normal one, so he’s not actually a medical doctor? If he is actually a doctor, then that would be part of his sign off - Dr Karter O. Boyle.
If the Habio part is just to refer to the company, then since I assume this is an internal email, there’s no need to add the Hasbio part, just his department. Doing some checking, the vast majority of these industrial-organisational psychiatrists/psychologists are in HR, so some suitable HR-y title will do, like HR Specialist, Personnel Psychologist, Talent Management Director, etc.

From a technical point of view, it’s well formatted and easy to read, which is good.

I hope that this criticism doesn’t appear too harsh, and I look forward to your next entry in this series.

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Thank you so much for this reply! And no i don’t think this is harsh at all, it’s really useful advice that I’ll definitely keep in mind for the future, thank you!

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I like it so far. It tells a story and gives us character motivation all in a fairly brief form. One small thing to note: watch out for run-on sentences. That 2nd paragraph, for instance, should be 3 sentences instead of one. It’s easy to fall prey to the comma fairy–I do it myself sometimes.

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Yeah now that I’m properly looking back on this prologue it’s really bugging me how many problems it has. Once I improve at writing I’m definitely going to go back and remaster this, thanks for the comment!

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You could fit it with two, by using a semi-colon:

I understand you are incredibly passionate about the success of the HPCS; Cleveland was a disaster, one which Hasbio is determined to never repeat. As such…

That sort of pretentious stickling correct usage of English language would fit a doctor perfectly. :stuck_out_tongue:

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