Vincent Harkness was outside in his driveway, fixing together a new cabinet for his kitchen. He could’ve easily done it inside but with the sun shining high in the sky he figured some fresh air while he worked would do him good.
He was just tightening a screw when his ears picked up something coming his back garden, a collection of high-pitched voices and numerous amounts of farting.
“Ah fuck.”
Vincent stood up and adjusted his tool-belt before taking the short walk towards his garden, sure enough he found a small herd of Fluffies already making themselves at home, stallions were tearing up the grass and the flowers for food, mares were either feeding their young or singing to their unborn foals, one couple was in the corner fucking away in full view of their herd-mates, and in the 67 seconds they had been in the garden, there was already an exorbitant amount of watery shit staining his lawn.
Vincent looked at their entry point, a dead branch from a tree on the other side had collapsed and knocked down a couple boards in his fence. He was thinking of the angry phone call he’d been sending the council for not doing their fucking job when he noticed a fat black unicorn with an orange mane waddling up to him.
“Dummeh hoomin, dis am Smawty wand nyo.”
Vincent stared down at this prick, his Fluff wasn’t all that special but compared to the dirt and grime covering the rest of his herd, Smarty was immaculate, likely given lickie-cleans every day by at least one poor bastard. His was spotless except for specks of reds and purple on his lips where the errant petals of Vincent’s flowers hadn’t fully made their way into his fat gob. Given Smarty’s size, he was certainly larger than usual for a Fluffy, both in mass and in bulk, strong yet fat, likely a bestesh babbeh who grew up never hearing no.
Until he met Vincent that is.
“No it’s not.”
Smarty’s cheeks immediately puffed up and his nostrils flared. “DUMMEH HOOMIN WISTEN TU SMAWTY! SMAWTY TAKE DIS WAND FOW GUD PWACE FOW HEWD, HAB BESTESH NUMMIES AND SWEEPIES PWACES TU MAKE BESTESH BABBEHS! HOOMIN GIB HEWD SKETTIS NYO, AN WAWM BEDSIES AN WICKIE CWEA…”
As the black Smarty continued his tirade, Vincent pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and lit one up, silently taking a drag as he barely listened to the demands of this fat fuck.”
“…AN NYU MAWES FOW GUD FEEWS, OW SMAWTY GIB HOOMIN WOWSTESH SOWWY HOOFIES!”
Vincent smirked at the dickhead and took another drag.
“No.”
“SMAWTY GIB HOOMIN WOWSTESH SOWWY HOOFIES AN FOWEBA SWEEPIES!”
“Ok.”
“Wha?”
“I said ok, give me forever sleepies. In fact, HEY EVERYONE, SMARTY HERE IS GOING TO GIVE ME FOREVER SLEEPIES!”
The rest of the herd stopped whatever they were doing and started to gather round, all of them cheering for their Smarty. Smarty himself had a different look on his face, one of confusion, worry, and a tinge of fear as well.
“Gu Smawty, Wiwwus bewieve in yu.”
“Bwudda Coaw am bestesh Smawty, gib hoomin foweba sweepies.”
“Speciaw-fwiend am su bwave, gun gib bestesh enfies an hab bwavesh tummeh-babbehs wen Smawty win”
The Smarty, Coal apparently his name was, looked around at the expectant faces, this had gone further than he had expected and he was left in an awkward situation.”
“Well, we’re waiting.” Vincent said teasingly.
“Smawty knyo, Smawty du it wen Smawty weady.”
“Are you sure you’re not… SCARED?”
“SMAWTY NU SCAWED OF DUMMEH HOOMIN, TAKE SOWWY HOOFIES! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!”
Pitpitpatpitpatpatpatpitpat
The frankly pathetic display of Coal whacking his stubby little legs off of Vincent’s denim work trousers was almost too much for Vincent he hid his laughter behind his hand as he kept smoking his cigarette.
After no time at all, the fat lard was out of breath.
“Sma… Smawty… gib yu… wowstesh… so…sowwy hoo… hoofies.”
“Oh you’re finished, I didn’t even realised you’d done anything.”
Coal huffed and forced himself up to start hitting Vincent again, this time his attack was even more pitiful.
Pat… Pat… Pit… Pat…
Vincent could see the worried look on the herds faces as their strongest Smarty was making absolutely no impact on this human. Vincent took a small amount of pleasure in seeing the colour drain from all of them.
Eventually Coal misplaced a hit, and smacked his hoof off Vincent’s tough leather work-boot, fracturing his leg if not completely breaking it.
“HUUU, Wai meanie istah gib Smawty wowstesh weggie huwties, am gud Fwuffy.”
“Me? I haven’t moved you little fuckturd, you did that to yourself? And what is this ‘Good Fluffy’ shit, you’re trying to kill me in my own home.”
“Dis am Smawty wand, hoomin gu.”
“Make me.”
Coal felt a fresh batch of rage fuel him back up as he carefully turned round to shove his asshole towards Vincent.
“If hoomin nu weave, den Smawty gib sowwy poo…”
Vincent took a final quick drag of his cigarette, then he took the still burning embers and rammed them into Coal’s dismal excuse for a nutsack.
“EEEEKKK! Speciaw-wumps hab wowstesh buwnie huw…”
With Coal distracted by the pain in his nuts, Vincent took a screwdriver out of his tool-belt and rammed it into Coal’s puckering asshole.
“SCCCCCRRREEEEE!!! NU AM MAWE, NU AM MAWE, WEAVE SMAWTY POOPIE PWACE AWONE!”
Vincent gave the screwdriver a good twist to really let the fat bastard feel it before picking Coal up by his scruff and holding him at arms length.
“Bad upsies, Smawty nu wike.”
Vincent ignored the black stallion’s cries and looked him directly in the eye.
“Now then, I’d say I’ve won this little shindig. So tell me, whose land is this?”
Coal snorted derisively. “Dis am Smawty wand dummeh.”
Vincent responded to that by punching Coal in the face.
“HUU! Wai meanie mistah gib Smawty smeww-pwace huwties?”
“Because you answered my question wrong. Now again, whose land is this?”
“Smawty wand.”
Another punch, Vincent definitely felt something break.
“AGAIN! Whose. Land. Is. This?”
“Sma… Smawty Wand?”
Vincent sighed, this idiot needed something stronger. Taking a hammer off his belt, Vicent placed the claws on either side of Coal’s unicorn horn and sharply twisted it off.”
“NUUUHHUUUHUUU! SMAWTY HAB BESTESH POINTY, MUMMAH SAY DAT MAKE SMAWTY SPECIAW!”
“Well you ain’t special anymore you little shit. Now tell me, whose land is this?”
“Sma… huuhuuu, Smawty wand.”
“Are you FUCKING kidding me?”
Several of the herd, including Coal, shat themselves with the sudden shout. Vincent’s playful mood was already fraying thanks to the thick-headedness of this fat cunt and he was done messing about. Pulling out a pair of needle-nosed pliers, Vincent placed the jaws directly over one of Coal’s testicles and slowly began to squeeze.
“EEEEEEHHHHHHHHH! Nu huwt speciaw-wumps, NU HUWT SPECIAW-WUMPS! NEED WUMPS FOW GUD FEEWS AN…AH!”
Coal lets out a high-pitched whine as Vincent’s grip on the pliers tightened slightly.
“One more fucking time. Whose.”
The pliers tightened some more.
“Land.”
And some more.
“Is.”
Vincent felt spongy flesh starting to give way, Coal frantically waving his stubby limbs about as snot and tears streamed down his face.
“THIS?”
CRUNCH
Coal’s whole body froze up, he didn’t even scream, the pain had covered every nerve in his fat little body and tensed each and every one of them right up. The only movement he made was his mouth trembling and hi left eye twitching.
Vincent waited for an answer, but when none came he moved the pliers over to Coal’s last nut, as soon as the slightest bit of pressure touched the damaged sack, Coal let out a small, barely audible yelp.
“Yuw, chirp, wand.”
“I’m sorry, what was that?”
“DIS AM, peep, YUW WAND, DIS AM HOOMIN chirp WAND! PWEASE NU GiB chirp HUWTIES NU MOWE, COAW peep NU peep WAN BE SMAWTY, WAN HUG, chirp, HUGGIES, WAN peep MUMMAH!”
Finally satisfied, Vincent tossed Coal behind him onto the patio, likely breaking a few legs but he wasn’t worried too much about that, the tubby fucker was too emotionally broken to run off. Vincent turned his attention to the rest of the herd, all of whom were staring shell-shocked at their former Smarty’s foal-like outburst.
Eventually it was the mare who claimed herself as Coal’s special-friend who broke the silence as she looked up at Vincent and smiled.
“Mistah am nyu Smawty.”
“What?”
“Mistah beat Smawty, dat make mistah nyu Smawty. Hewd neba hab hoomin Smawty befowe.”
“What, no, I’m not your Smarty. I don’t want anything to do with you fucking creatures.”
One of the other stallions, Coal’s brother if Vincent remembered right, stepped up and started nodding. “Yu awe Smawty, bwudda Coaw gib owd Smawty foweba sweepies den be nyu Smawty, nyo nice mistah du da same.”
“No I haven’t, look, Coal’s still alive.”
The herd looked over at the sniffling wretch of Coal, his face dripping with blood from his broken horn, snot bubbles popping disgustingly on his face and his broken limbs stuck between his legs as he tried to hug his ballsack better.
“He as gud as.”
“Look, I don’t have time for this, I’m not your Smarty and I don’t want to be. Now fuck off.”
“How shouwd Fwuffies fuk off Smawty?”
Vincent seethed for a moment before taking a deep breath and thinking about the best way to go about this. He looked down at Coal’s brother, a unicorn as well but a more grey colour with a red mane.
“You, you’re Coal’s brother right?”
“Dat wight Smawty.”
“Yeah, yeah. Do you have a name?”
“Nu Smawty.”
“Ok then, I’m going to name you Slate and…”
“Swate hab namesie, fank yu Smawty, dis am bestesh bwite-time of Swate…”
“LISTEN! As I was saying, I’m naming you, and ONLY you, because I am naming you the new Smarty, this is your herd now. Are you up for that task?”
Slate pondered for a second, before puffing up his chest and nodding. “Swate…um… Smawty am weady tu be, uh, Smawty.”
“Good, now as my final act as the old Smarty, I have one final task I want you to do. I want you to take this herd and leave this land, this is not safe for Fluffies and bad things will happen to all of you if you stay here.”
Slate shuddered as his imagination went into overdrive. “O…ok owd Smawty, ny… nyu Smawty wead hewd a…away.”
“Good boy, now off you go.”
Slate gulped as he took his new position at the head of the herd, Vincent could see the his little grey body trembling with fear, that is until Coal’s mate saddled up beside him and nuzzled into Slate’s neck.
“Coo, wub nyu Smawty, wan be speciaw-fwiends.”
The confidence boost from his brother’s old mate was enough to spur Slate into action and he led the herd out of the broken fence and onwards into parts unknown. On the patio, Coal could only helplessly watch as he was abandoned by his friends and family.
“Bwudda? Peep. Speciaw-fwiend? Nu weave chirp Coaw, huuhuuhuu.”
Vincent lit up another cigarette as he looked over the sobbing mess on his patio. Too weak to give to Phil for his fighting pits, too broken to add to his own breeding mill, Josef might want him but he was currently dealing with some Fluffy virus thing at the moment.
Which left one other option, Vincent tapped some ash onto Coal’s head as he pulled out his phone.
“Gus? Yeah it’s Vinny. Listen, I got a new test subject if you’re interested.”
