When I realized my garden was getting invaded by some unseen animal, I knew it was time for an electric fence. Once it was installed, my garden was fine for a while. That us, until the morning I woke up to rustling and chirping noises in my backyard.
When I went out there, I noticed there was a hole under the fence with a charred fluffy carcass attached to one of the wires. “Fuck, these things weren’t supposed to come out here.”
Sure enough, a pack of seven fluffies were chewing apart my tomatoes. When I made my presence known, they looked up at me and became visibly scared.
“Gu way dummeh hoomin, bad fencie gif hewd smawtie fowevah sweepies! Fwuffy am neu smawth nao! Hewd nee nummies fow nu babbehs! Fwuffy-”
Not fucking dealing with this. Before he can even finish his sentence I spray his ass with a garden hose at full blast.
“Bad wawas! Nu wike! Huhu!”
I turn the pressure up and blast him with enough water to knock him into the electric fence. He immediately starts convulsing and evacuating his bowels as thousands of volts of electricity course through his little fluffy body. By the end of it he looks and smelks like a piece of chicken left on the grill too long, burned unrecognizable and stuck to the wires like a grill rack.
The other fluffies try to run for the hole. I step in front of it and block it with a shovel.
“Nu, pwease nice hooman, nu gif owwie fencie! Fwuffies onwe wan nummies!”
KICK!
ZAP!
The pregnant mare hits the fence and her babies immediately fly out her vagina like a bullet, flying way over the fence into a tall patch of grass in the neighbor’s yard which their dog will undoubtedly eat later.
Grabbing a woodcutter’s axe, I chase around the squealing terrified blue stallion while he tries to move his pudgy ass away from me. When he looks behind again, I nring the axe down on his head and cleave his skull in half, then kick his corpse into the fence. Three to go.
As one runs past me like an idiot, I swing the axe like a golf club and chopped the little fucker in half. Still alive, I grab his top half by the exposed intestines and swing him over my head, then take aim at the female running along the fence. I let go and hit a direct bullseye on her, and they fly into the electric wall to be finished off.
The final male seems to have given up.
“Jus kiww fwuffy, hooman gif hewd fowevah sweepies, nu wan wive nu mowe, jus finish fwuffy off.”
“Wow, I can’t believe I actually feel sorry for you. You know what? I think I’ll let you go. No, scratch that. I’ll go make you a plate of spaghetti and fix my bedroom up to accommodate for a playpen. I can be your new owner, if you want.”
“W-weally… Neu daddeh? YAY! Fwuffy wuv neu daddeh! Fank you fow-”
“SIKE!”
KICK!
ZAP!
Now that that’s finally taken care of, time for breakfast. Those charred fluffies smell pretty good, I wonder what one of them tastes like?