According to the thumbnail for the video there is a shocking new revelation causing Fluffy Pony eyes to bug out with heartface emojis. The image is fairly unsettling. The video title is “Urban Explorer Hasbio Discovery: What It Means”. The date is from two hours ago.
Its probably clickbait. It might be bullshit. But since these touyubers get factual info long before the news outlets, if at all, and breeder channels tend towards tradition even in the face of research and discoveries, its worth a shot.
An animated intro of two Fluffy Ponies, one pink and blue with the other green and black, sliding out of an offscreen vagina completely clean as Foals, then growing to adulthood by the act of standing before jumping off the platform they were apparently on. The pink and blue one lands in a pile of what seems to be inflatable hearts and clouds while its sibling lands in a pile of gold coins and dollar bills. Both smile at the viewer and a logo of the channel, “Everything Fluffy With Matt And Delly”, appears between them. The intro tune was way too loud so the volume was turned down, but when the two channel presenters appeared their voices were so low it was turned back up. Any time they got excited or argued, which was often, they would get far louder again which lead to a frustrating experience bouncing the volume and ticking the video back to hear what was missed.
The woman’s ethnicity wasn’t clear and she looked somewhere in her late 20’s, had either dyed burgundy hair or a good wig, and wore a loose green t-shirt with an older version of the channel logo. The man was what you figured would pop up by doing an image search for “Crypto Expert”, being a skinny blond white dude around the same age with short styled hair and a light blue business suit, though it also had the channel logo embroidered onto the front pocket. It was visually frustrating that the Fluffies in the intro representing the two were on the opposite sides from where they were actually sitting, and their clothing was visually matching their opposite as well. Along with the volume issues it was fair to consider that the inconsistencies were intentional to keep attention, but it worked.
The spoke in unison at first. “HELLOOOO EVERYONE!”
Then took turns. The woman went first.
“Greetings everybody, welcome to our show ‘Everything Fluffy With Delly And Matt’ where we discuss everything Fluffy including history, lore, farming, news, care, sales, product reviews, and our own thoughts and theories that YOU…need to know!”
The switched the names, but the take was perfect. It was definitely intentionally triggering. Her sweet and soft voice almost sounds like its for Fluffies rather than people.
“That’s right Delilah, we’re here to keep YOU informed about what. Is. Going. ON in Fluffy communities toDAY. I’m here for the money, she’s here for the love, the rest we will pass directly into your brains together because, fraaankly, its gonna take four hands today.”
He punctuated any word he didn’t race through or drag out.
“That’s right, today isn’t just the day that my dear Floopy, Moopy, Scoopy, and Ben have regrown enough fluff to try the new Hygeneration product ‘Fluffy Tickle Conditioner’ product, which will be uploaded later today. Its also the day that the mysterious figure known only as ‘Hexplorer’ gave Hasis Incorporated as the expiration date for their offer to not release a treasure trove of documents dating back to the turn of the millennium regarding Fluffy development. Apparently a literal treasure trove as the sealed briefcase it was contained in was covered in barnacles in pictures shown, leading to speculation that it came from the sunken Florida Islands. This blackmail attempt was apparently rejected, because the documents were purchased by millionaire Gus Chungus, grandson of Caleb Chungus, one of the original Fluffy programmers. Gus released the documents immediately to the public.”
“And WE are gonna go over, breakdown, debate, memeify, and give our take on the meaning behind what was released. First off: legal, question mark. Is the Chungus among us going to go to jail-gus?”
“Jail-gus?”
“Hey, my script says ‘insert third rhyme here’, it is NOT my fault.”
“You wrote it.”
“That I did Delilah. Now, we consulted our friends over on the channel ‘Fraud Squad’ for their legal advice, check them out in the link IN the description down below, and bear in mind that they stressed they are only lawyers on Touyube, and do not give free legal counsel over it, but their OPINION is that our dear Chungus is not going to jail-gus anytime soon or at least just not for this particular act. Its been over fifty years so its not considered active blackmail, these documents do not appear to be trademarked and are not incriminating, and his grandfather was listed as an author of the reports. So unless our dear Chungus has any other illicit activities going on then he should be free-gus.”
“Thanks again to the folks over at Fraud Squad, link in the description. Speaking of links, its about time for your sponsor message!”
The camera lighting visibly changed for a different take.
“Ah, my favorite part of the show; getting paid. Todays sponsor is none other than-“
This shit is so skippable. Thankfully from the thumbnail at the bottom its easy to see where the image of the product ends.
“-sure to use our sponsor code at checkout for the free gift, because every Fluffy wants a Matt and Delly Fluffy keychain.”
“We are not responsible if your Fluffy swallows it, because…yeah these things aren’t too big and it DOES have a key loop that a hoof could go through. We don’t want your limb replacement fees and will not be giving you a replacement for your organic investments.”
“But be sure to ring that chime down at the bottom and subscribe here for more tips, tricks, and thinkies! Now, on with the show!”
The ad was clearly recorded separately since there was a slight volume shift up to the topic segment. You can tell now that she’s definitely of part African descent, and he’s not disguising his Canadian accent as well in the segment. As tempting as it is to make a Canadian joke in the comments, they did save everyone’s ass in the Thirty Days World War.
“So as it turns out this is indeed a treasure trove of information. But how will it affect your breeding and care techniques, and will it influence the current market for Fluffies? Spoilers; kinda, and yes. These documents were verified shortly before we began filming as legitimate by Hasbio, as part of their pledge to review and release all uncovered data which was made during congressional hearings in the aftermath of the second Fluffy prototype escape from FIM Labs back in 2036.”
“So the FIRST thing I want to go over is the information present in all modern Fluffies. Then we’ll look at things only CERtain breeds possess, some traits that have mostly or entirely died out in MODERN Fluffies, then for fun we’ll look at their unfulfilled goals and failures. At the end we’ll give our FINAL thoughts. Now, without further adieu, lets get starteeed!”
“Our first bit of info is perhaps the most relevant to overall care. Tucked in near the end of the documents is a photocopy of very old data from the late 1980s, likely included as no progress had been made on what was likely a high priority. It concerns Fluffy digestive systems. Now, we all know our little sweeties have, frankly and literally, crappy tummies. It turns out that researchers had lofty goals of creating the best digestive system on the planet! Crocodiles were used as the basis for Fluffy digestion, though its not clear if they actually have crocodile ancestry in their genetic soup or were modified to be similar.”
“Delilah, I want a croco-Fluffy now.”
“I know! I keep thinking of how cute they’d be with their little snoot above the water, paddling on their little hooves like baby caimans in a fuzzy coat!”
“I just want a talking tiny crocodile. I could feed it the Fluffies that lose out in the daily Darwinism of trying not to trip and snap their necks or something else stupid, and tell it about my day.”
“Well, that would be neat too. So according to the goals of the project the first Fluffies were pure ruminant animals, subsisting entirely on grasses though they lacked the interior flexibility to fill their stomach sacks. This checks out with the Puff breeds, who are known to be early prototypes and notoriously lacked the spaghetti programming as well as most other Fluffy biological issues but often died of intestinal ruptures or starvation despite being on regimented diets.”
A chyron appeared at the bottom of the screen.
“WHICH brings us to our first financial info. Of. ToDAY! Fluffle Puff breeds of Fluffies have always been unsteady in the market due to debate on if they are the first Fluffy breed, or if they are not even a Fluffy at all. So here we havf evidence suggesting they are indeed Fluffies and early if not the first. So if you hate Fluffle Puffs, can’t stand them, Abuse them even if you’re a Hugboxer for daring to PRETEND to be like the tiny poop factories that your life now revolves entirely around like a hellish Sisyphusian torment of trying to keep the disaster-prone likely inbred things alive for the sake of a bit of financial independence, you bet on the WRONG tiny horse-like mutants. But for you Fluffle Puff stans out there, your time. Has. Come. Breed those little raspberry-blowing babies as quick as you can, preferably without any other breeds, because the more Puff in your Fluffle the more Washingtons in your Benjies. That’s right, Fluffle Puff breed is on. The. Rise!”
Right as Delly opener her mouth a touyube ad played. Coffee from a fast food restaurant sold by a scarecrow, yay. Five seconds, SKIP!
“Everyone who complained on all those segments taking care of Floopsy can suck it!”
“Yep. On a related note, anyone interested in buying a slightly used tangerine Fluffle Puff? Bidding starts at $260.”
“Maaaatt. No.”
“Just kidding! We’ve already replaced her ribs, she’s worth at least $450.”
“In all seriousness, caring for a Fluffle Puff is hard work. Don’t just cheaply speculate on them, they’re one of the most expensive breeds for a reason. Its not like throwing a bunch of Asina into a pen and keeping them from killing each other. They need plenty of surgical modifications including replacement parts from other breeds to be guaranteed a long and happy life. They may not be as fragile or stupid as other Fluffies, but they also don’t have the strong immune system and constant stem cell production that allows home surgeries unless you are a professional who knows what you are doing. Their difficulty communicating means they also need patience and understanding on your part to diagnose any problems that arise. We have plenty of videos on the subject so please give them a look.”
“Seriously, these things cost money. Gotta SPEND money to MAKE money, but if you’re thinking you can just go jerk off while they suck off a milkbag for a month then deal with another month beating them with a bamboo rod and necksnapping the brats and uglies, you are going to lose your investment. Puffs are associated with Hugboxers for a reason, and that reason is they can usually keep them alive. They need a mobile mother, a nurse or eunuch Fluff, you, and a vet, plus you basically gotta digest their food for them. Fluffies are a hobby, Puffs are a career.”
He let his persona slip there, talking like a normal human and showing some concern.
“So to explain all that this means we’re gonna need to explain some things we already know for comparison. If you aren’t interested then skip to the timestamp in the description.”
Summary
“The way cows work is this: they have a bunch of stomachs, and prioritize blood flow to them. The first stomach called the rumen is FULL of good belly bacteria. All animals use belly bacteria to digest food, including humans, but the rumen is full of it. Grasses just kind of sit in it and rot, sometimes the cow pukes it back into their mouth and chews it more, and that efficiently breaks down the violative fatty acids which are packed full of energy and they also convert unsaturated fat to saturated fat. That gives them a quick boost at the start of digestion instead of at the end like us. Anything bad like glass or indigestible stuff gets sorted into a pouch called the reticulum. Then it goes into the omasum, which draws out the water. Its less effective than our water absorption because there is usually less water in their waste, and its less toxic than our digestion so their waste doesn’t need to be kinda bundled for quick disposal. Then the abomasum, which functions just like our stomach by releasing acid and enzymes and churning the food, but with far more vigor than ours does. Then the cecum, where the last planty fibers that the body will break down takes place. The rest of the system is small intestines, putting gallbladder and pancreas chemicals in while digesting it, and large intestines to suck up the last of the liquid. Its here that all the saturated fat gets absorbed, giving another big energy boost. Then they poop it out. Since most of the digestion already took place in the rumen they don’t need to do so much fancy chemical stuff at the end. Cows burp and fart a lot from the gasses the fermentation causes. They salivate a LOT to help when rechewing rumen food. When they eat things they can’t digest well the body will keep it in the rumen for a while, which can cause issues. But feeding cows things that break down easy give them less energy because it spends less time breaking down and being absorbed in the rumen. “
“Now lets compare it to a Fluffle Puff. Their rumen is too tiny to hold much fermenting stuff unless you replace their tiny joined ribs or feed them a somewhat expensive soft vegetarian diet. Rumen is entirely driven by bacteria, so anything that kills the rumen will kill the Fluffle. If they eat almost anything they can’t quickly digest the rumen will not have much space for anything else, causing starvation with a full belly. But anything too easy to digest will shoot right through them which will take more energy than it even produces, though for Fluffles its different than regular Fluffies as we’ll cover in a bit. The reticulum is usually close to the heart, and Fluffle reticulum are thin-walled and pressed against their sturdy little ribcage which is why perforations from basically anything they eat with a sharp edge can rupture their insides and why previously healthy Fluffles can suddenly die from excitement. The Fluffles don’t have strong stomach contractions in the abomasum which keeps the food unbroken down, and there is no cesum in their system at all. Finally they have a very short large intestine. Because so much less is digested and absorbed they poop a lot more than they should, and its very liquid. If you’ve seen my other videos you know the solutions are either to have their ribs removed and replaced which makes them far more fragile around the torso like a regular Fluffy, or to feed them a diet of carefully made pre-fermented “Fluffle Puff Kimchi” which is easy to make but takes a lot of planning and some storage space, and is very expensive to buy. The worst part is they don’t have much saliva, since it seems they tended to drown on the amount needed for rechewing rumen food because a cute mouth isn’t exactly a big nummy chamber full of dripping spit. Their body doesn’t seem to tell them what to rechew either since they just chew everything a little bit when it first enters their body and immediately reswallow anything they hork up without second chewing. There’s probably going to be a lot of theories why, but my take is that the creators were not gods creating a creature from scratch, and didn’t have the programming and genetic engineering tech they had later. Whatever makes them rechew cud just wasn’t carried over, so they puke it back into their mouth but then don’t know why and usually refuse to rechew even when you tell them.”
“WELP, now you folks who are not regulars understand why I. Hate. Raising. Fluffle Puffs. Better in every way they aren’t worse, but man the issues are just NOT worth the trouble. They don’t purge runts or bad colors, Alicorns aren’t worth anywhere NEAR as much as you would expect because mothers don’t think they’re MONsters, and the Abuser market is just NOT THERE. They’re weirdly too smart to gaslight half the time and can somehow grasp complex ideas, but then too dumb to understand concepts so basic that even a Derped Pegasus Smarty can immediately grasp it. You can run an 100+ Ally mill by yourself with the same time, effort, and risk of raising TWO. Fluffle. Litters! No necksnapping the brown ones either, they sell JUST below the amount you spent raising them, and one dead sibling will suicidally depress the ENTIRE clan. Then you put in all that effort just to have the mother die from eating a PEBBLE in her RANK-smelling kimchi from the field it was grown in, and have the ENTIRE litter waste away because if you introduce them to foster mothers they may depRESS those families by telling the tale of how their mom’s heart exploded from giggling or how she became a living skeleton in THREE DAYS. Nope, nope, nope, I’ll grab a Feral and pitch him headfirst into the swarm of Alicorn factories to replace any I step on when I’m dumping their slop into the pen. Its a level 1 investment, amateur as you can be, but its better than Fluffling.”
“…feel better Matty?”
“I just wanted our savvy viewers to know what they get into chasing trends.”
“Well, I’m glad you brought up the pebble. According to these 1982 research notes they were trying to improve the Fluffle’s digestive system and were focusing on improving the abomasum. The suggestion of implanting a device into the abomasum to help grind up food was inspired by gastroliths, stones swallowed by non-mammals like fish and lizards to help grind food in their bellies. The project was more unified than we know it was at the time of the first great Fluffy escape-“
“-that we KNOW about.”
“…yes. That we know about. You have marketing reps at these meetings discussing trying to market what kind of stone was implanted into them as a kind of “love charm” and selling them with a stone of the same type on a necklace for the owner. You have the first teams working on different breeds there, mentioning they were working on developing mutations in Fluffle generations. But Chungus’s associate Crusoe Hamilton was the one who kept bringing up the idea of fixing the biology rather than programming in desire for specific foods and aversions to others. The notes for one meeting brings up crocodiles, with no context, and there was suddenly a yearlong gap in meetings. Then we have heavily redacted transcripts, and from what we can glean there was heavy debate on failures and successes of new notes. In 1984 the first non-Fluffles appear in photos, and here we see Chungus and Hamilton in leadership roles over not just seven programming teams from different regional branches, but a total of seventeen different biology branches. More teams are mentioned without context.
So, going back to actually relevant information, we need to quickly discuss crocodile digestion. If you want to skip it, select the next timestamp in the description.”
Summary
“So crocs have an extra heart aorta, which lets them control what parts of their body are getting a lot of blood. That helps with their swimming and diving, staying still for hunting and just not wasting energy, and prioritizes what substances get carried where. More specifically, after eating the blood with the oxygen having been used is sent to the stomach before going back to the lungs. That means the blood dumps off carbon dioxide from the act of using energy throughout the body, which in turn makes the strongest stomach acid in nature and does it faster than any other animal too so they don’t need to waste energy maintaining acid and stomach lining at a constant level. Most of that carbon dioxide blood comes from the limbs after the effort of capturing prey, but also from the first stomach. That’s right, the first stomach not only has stones in it to help grind, but its strong A.F.! Like cow levels of strong! The rest of the system is totally simple absorption, since anything from bones to even entire live animals gets broken down to basically nothing.”
“That’s why its an efficient way to dispose of dead bodies.”
“Fraud Squad says we should clarify NOT to do that here.”
“Yes. Do not kill people and feed them to other animals. Or at all, preferably.”
“Preferably, yes. We ALL have that one person we would totally give a croc’ing to.”
“Yep. We all do…
“Anyway, as you might imagine the idea was to combine rumen and croc digestion together. Simpler digestive tract means more rumen room’in, and the ability to break down almost anything means no heartbreaking reticulum or cud chewing.
But that’s not how biology works unfortunately! They tried to keep the rumen, make cud work and be voluntary, use stomach stones at the continued insistence of marketing, and have a two-stomach system with a lizard aorta. Digest anything, poop out almost nothing.
Now, what they did make is an improvement for sure. But it had far too many drawbacks to be applied across all breeds.
Fluffies getting into fights usually resulted in severe burns since any exposure to that stomach acid outside the body melted the little dears. Fluffle Puffs with their extremely durable, almost rubbery skin could have probably survived it but the Fluffles had been put on the backburner at this point. The actual first build given croc guts is redacted, but based on the pictures we can conclude it was an ancestor to the Harbingers so it most likely had skin like wet tissue. We know Fluffies were intended to fight among each other as a play function, which makes this a real problem. In the included photos we can see a cannibal that looks like a burn victim, lots of melted hooves, and Fluffies lacking jaws from vomiting. To make matters worse we see spray shields, and in one picture we see that they had quite a forceful projection which is likely why we have notes of a spike of researcher injuries that aren’t carpal tunnel. Worst of all is that their reprioritization of blood circulation made them highly lethargic, and if they got too much adrenaline in them from something like a child shaking them to wake them up the acid would overpower the stomach lining, melting their insides within minutes. Now personally I think this would make a great cure for Abusers, cannibals, and Smarties but I’d hate for my little Floofles to get an upset tum-tum and turn into goo.”
“All I see is a HUGE potential lawsuit EVERY day for EVERY Fluffy SOLD, and lost revenue FROM Abusers.”
“There is also notes of severe lethargy at all times, inability to breed, and loss of most fluff before adulthood. Overall, not a good breed. According to all available notes their variant lineage line ID it ends with F17-C-8. That means the seventeenth total Fluffy breed, most likely Croc variant, and eighth build. A lone ‘C’ doesn’t appear anywhere else in lineage line ID numbers. To my knowledge Croc were not among the Fluffies reported as ever existing in the wild after the first ‘known’ escape, but who knows.”
“Well, it looks like that is ALL the time we have for TOday. Sadly I canNOT think of a way these Crocs could affect Fluffy sales unless you BRED one today. Somehow. God, I hope nobody ever does.”
“I thought you wanted one?”
“I want a lizard Fluffy, NOT one that will burn through my FOOT if and when I step on it.”
“We have plenty more to go over so keep coming back, tomorrow we’ll look at the notes on how Fluffy digestion got the way it is today and how that affects your budget, plus some failed attempts to recreate things from the original cartoon. Uploading later today is our new review on Hygeneration ‘Fluffy Tickle Conditioner’ so stay tuned to the channel, hit like and sub, hit that chime icon, and we’ll see you soon.”
“Don’t tickle any Ferals. Like, in GENERAL, but be especially careFUL in CASE they hork acid at you like a video game TURTLE.”
In off-tone unison they said “Bye!” and the video cut.
They weren’t the worst thing ever. May as well check again soon.