FCKD Systems
The hyper-prolific nature of fluffies results in a challenge for underfunded animal control organisations the world over, with a breeding population capable of reaching swarm levels very quickly.
However unlike stray dogs and cats who fear human contact, fluffies are genetically engineered to seek human companionship and have innate knowledge of places and products that Hasbio wanted to sell. For our purposes the most important are “sketty” the ultra-processed spaghetti imitation with the chemical additive Skettiole which was pretty much catnip for fluffies and “skettyland”, an amusement park that once operated for people to take their pet fluffies to. Fluffies were engineered to desire sketty above all other foods, and thought of skettyland as a sort of heaven, all to make them ask for these and hopefully their owners would buy some Hasbio brand sketty and promise to take them to skettyland.
Now that Hasbio has collapsed and sketty is not produced and the actual skettyland was destroyed by tactical nuclear device these innate desires can be exploited to aid in controlling fluffy populations.
The FCKD-600 (Fluffy Collect and Kill Device) is a cost-effective autonomous fluffy control system mounted on a standard light commercial vehicle. Consisting of the same audio system as an ice-cream van/truck used to attract fluffies across a wide area. Fluffy attracting jingles and songs, interspersed with Audio promising “Sketty” and a one-way trip to “skettyland” to any fluffy who gets in the van. In preliminary tests local residents were initially annoyed at the noise, but upon seeing the effectiveness of the system these complains dwindled to next to nothing.
The second part of the the FCKD-600 is mounted in the rear of the vehicle, an automated lowering ramp (with gripped surfaces) allows fluffies to enter the collection room, with space for upwards of 40 adult fluffies, this area is treated with Skettiole as an attractant. Once a sufficiency of fluffies has entered, the ramp closes the fluffies into the vehicle ready for the floor of the collection room, a wide conveyor/treadmill belt, to activate drawing the fluffies towards the vacuum nozzle entry point to the kill system. With the satisfying “thwoump” that anyone who has ever vacuumed up a tissue would recognise, fluffies are one by one sucked into a screw meat shredder, reducing the fluffy into a fine slurry which is collected in a 600litre tank, capacity sufficient for about 600 average adult fluffies.
This light vehicle system is suitable for small scale fluffy control activities over a wide area and at a low cost, the system is even dis-mountable with a single hoist and the van can be used for other purposes.
For situations where a fluffy swarm has developed (over 1000members) we also offer the FCKD - 15000, with four kill systems and a slurry tank capable of holding upwards of 15000 shredded fluffies, mounted within a 40ft shipping container, these can be quickly transported to swarm locations to control their spread.
Skettywand Expwess
Your name is “deff”, its actually Jeff but you can’t pronounce the J properly. You escaped from your house several weeks ago in search of a “speshul fwend” things did not go as you expected, all the humans you encountered told you to go away, and didn’t give you sketty, one even tried to kick you. And when you came across a herd of fluffies you quickly dashed over introducing yourself, saying that you were looking for a special friend, rather than being greeted with the enfie fun you wanted some meanie smarty booped you on the nose, telling you “dese mawes awl smawties mawes, nu mawes for dumdum smol wump fwuffy.” and when you tried to leave to continue the hunt for your special friend the same smarty booped you again and again until you rolled over in submission, but the smarty only stopped booping you to stomp on your balls, after a moment of blinding pain you found yourself shuddering curled up in a ball, trying to hug your balls better “huu huu, wittle wefty and bigga uvah wefty, pwease nu mowe huwties.” despite your pleas they didn’t stop hurting, a dull thumping feeling filling your brain, making it hard to focus. But you finally managed to pass out/fall asleep, only to be woken by the sounds of the meanie smarty having good enfie fun with one of the mares, the dull thumping in your head got louder as you watched, you fell asleep again crying.
The next morning you woke up and the pain in your balls was reduced but still there, but it was joined with the pain in your stomach, you were very hungry, you tried some of the grassy nummies around but it was icky, you saw some of the mares eating tasty looking leaves, so you approached them to ask where they got it from, before you got close though the meanie smarty blocked your path, muzzle to muzzle he asks“mawes aw smawties, yu fo’get dummeh?”
“nu dummeh, mawes aw smarties, but deff am hungy, wanted weafy nummies.”
“if dummeh wan weafy nummies, den yu need to be smawties tuffie.”
“what a tuffie?”
“tuffie do what smawtie teww yu to do, give boopies to dummehs, stompies to bad fluffies, and poopies to dose dat don’t wespect smawtie.”
“O-otay, deff wiww be smawties tuffie, can have nummies?”
“can have nummies after you give boopies to dummeh poopy fwuffy. To pwoove yu gud tuffie.” he states pointing over to the brown lump that you didn’t even realise was a fluffy.
You don’t really want to boop the poopie fluffy but you are also hungry, so you waddle over to the brown shitcovered fluffy, getting closer you can see that they are missing an eye and a leg, poor poopie fluffy you think to yourself. You say to them “sowwe bu’ smawtie say deff need gif yu boopie to be gud tuffie.”
the brown fluffy looks up at you with its single sad eye, the fluff around its neck crunching as the dried shit flakes off. “it otay dummeh poopie fwuffy no smawtie is meanie, ewwywun meanie to me… eben homins.” it says sadly.
You lift your hoof and prepare to boop the poopie fluffy when you hear music wafting through the air “dis de skettywand expwess, aw gud fwuffies get to go to skettywand fowebah! Sketty sketty skettywand!.” before it repeats, you and every other fluffy looks about excitedly apart from the poopie fluffy.
“skettywand? fwuffy wuv sketywand and sketty” is on every fluffies lips almost robotically as they were bred to say those words so a toy company could profit. The herd is already getting up and starting to follow the music.
You get ready to follow them when you feel something touch your leg, “don’ gu deff… don’ fink skettywand weal, meanie homin said dey take poopie fluffeh to skettywand but only gabe worstest poopie place huwties an’ den took fwuffeh weg and see pwace… what if no skettywand?”
Such a concept is impossible to you, how could skettyland not be real, its like saying sketty isn’t real so you just giggle and say “siwwy poopie dummeh, deff gonna go skettywand and num aw dah sketty, skettywand is dah best pwace ebah!”
You happily trotted off after the herd, turning back you saw the poopie fluffy following as well, they catch up “nu wan be awone, scawed dough…”
“nu be scawed we gon skettywand and hab aw dah sketty, don’ need wowwy about being poopie fwuffy, poopies don’t exist in skettywand*”
“otay…”
You rounded a corner and there it was, the skettyland express. It was better than you could ever imagined. (mostly due to the extremely limited imagination you possessed) There were a dozen fluffies crowded round the back near the ramp and an incredibly bored looking guy in baseball cap and high-vis jacket smoking a cigarette standing by the door at the front. You approach the man while poopie fluffy hangs back scared “we go to skettywand?”
he takes a moment to look down and says boredly “oh… yeah… just get in the back then I can take you to skettyland.”
you run over to the poopie fluffy and say excitedly “see skettywand am weal! Fowwow!”
you and the poopie fluffy are the last to to board the skettyland express. There are far more fluffies than you could count here. As you and poopie finally reach the top of the ramp the man comes round the side and without a word pushes a button and the ramp closes behind you.
The interior of the van is dark and you and every other fluffy starts to complain, some defecate, prompting more complaints “nu wike dark, nu wike poopies, nu wike scawy, nu wike bad smeww.” you look around in terror and in the dim light you see poopie fluffy shivering on the floor looking at you saying “I towd you, I towd you” over and over. Nearby electric motors whirred up and a whistling sound starts and increases in volume until near deafening. You can hear a human voice say “Fluffy Capture and Kill Device active, please keep arms and legs away from marked areas. beep beep beep” before it starts repeating that over and over.
thwoump the first fluffy seemingly disappears into the dark hole marked with hazard tape at the end of the compartment without making a noise, there is a small shudder behind the wall.
The floor starts moving with a horrid grinding noise, slowly drawing the fluffies closer to the hole. thwoump thwoump thwoump as a mother and two nearly grown foals are sucked in, another shudder behind the wall and the screeching starts, terrified fluffies are clambering over each other to get away from the “munsta” thwoump thwoump as another two fluffies fail to escape.
A squirming mass of fluffies are drawn towards the hole and ten are taken in quick succession with an almighty THWOUMP there is enough space now that a mother is able to waddle backwards away from the intake, while taking a baby off her back and setting it down on the conveyor “munsta have babbeh and wet mummah gu?” the baby is sucked away thwoump but still the conveyor draws the fluffies in, the mummah reaches for another baby fumbles dropping it and stumbling as she steps on it crushing its spine, both the baby and mother are sucked into the machine thwoump thwoump
fluffies are not creatures known for their constitution in a crisis and are likely to give up and beg, this is not helpful in this environment, and a few fluffies tired of trying to run away stop and press themselves down in submission and beg “pwease munsta nu eat fwuffy” thwoump thwoump thwoump thwoump as the FCKD-600 eats the fluffies one by one.
A heavily pregnant mare goes into labour as she tries to waddle away, one by one her 3 babies are born and sucked into the machine thwoump thwoump thwoump she turns to see her newborns and is confused when she doesn’t see them, she stops and turns more “where babbehs?” she asks before thwoump she disappears too.
There are only 4 mares, a smarty, a poopie fluffeh and you left, waddling along away from the intake, the mares shout “smawteh say dey protec’ mummahs and babbehs, pwease protec!”, the first tries to climb onto the smarty for protection, but he gives her a boop, knocking her off onto her side, she cries as she is thwoumped away. The smarty turns to you and shouts “new tuffie give munsta boopies!” he tries to shove you. But you shove him back, he stumbles and rolls, knocking a mare over, who tries to save herself by grabbing at another causing her to trip and all three to be sucked in thwoump thwoump thwoump
a banging sound from outside the van startles the three remaining fluffies, the mare loses her footing and tumbles into the intake thwoump
just you and the poopie fluffy remain, he limps as best as he can with three legs as he cries out “I towd you! Skettywand not weal!” He finally trips and is taken by the conveyor, not wanting to let him go you turn and try to help, but this just results in the two of you looking at one another as he is sucked into the munsta with a final mouthed “I towd you” before you follow, a flash of steel is the last thing you experience, before the meat that was your body plops down into a mostly empty tank of slurry.
Outside the van a man is on the phone saying “Yeah I think a bearing is gone on the conveyor slowing it down, should I come into the depot and get it fixed or keep going? Its getting a full overhaul at the end of the week? Righto, ill get to the next site then.”
*During normal operation Skettyland© produced over 14 metric tonnes of faeces per day, keeping this under control and cleaned up was one of the largest park expenditures.