“GAI-US GAL-LANT! GAI-US GAL-LANT!” The crowd screams for you as you ready yourself. You are armored, such as a gladiator could hope to be, and cradled your helmet in your hooves and stared at your reflection within the polished metal. Today would be the day of your hundredth battle in this blood soaked arena. Time and again he has faced all manner of beast and warrior. Time and again he has triumphed, all for the dream of what he would receive on his hundredth victory.
Freedom, and the return his beloved Muletilda. He would fight for her and earn her back, or he would die trying .
-~-
You are now John H. Boxer as you were before and always have been. It’s weird to have to remind yourself that you are yourself, you know. As you shake off the existentialism that had been plaguing your mind while your fluffy desperately tried to put his helmet on himself like he insisted he could, you went back over your plan.
Big circular ‘fighty place’ made out of building blocks and legos? Check.
Stuffed animals set up as an audience for the ‘hurtie juice games’? Check.
The ‘opponent’ for your fluffy sitting behind of the old toy castle that came with REAL WORKING CANNONS AND CATAPULTS that you’ve had since you were a kid? A quick test of the remote control confirms that ‘Check’, it’s working.
Gaius had gotten a little obsessed with Gladiators since you let him watch that movie with you. Not that you really minded since you loved playing with the little guy and building the coliseum had frankly been an absolute blast. The fact that every once in a while your fluffy would approach you and declare that he ‘craved violence’ was the best thing ever.
Well, okay, what he actually said was ‘Daddy, wanna fighties’, but that’s about as close as they can get with their vocabulary. Even a smart guy like your Gaius only knows so many words.
You’ve got to wonder what goes on in his little head though. He’s pretty smart for a fluffy though and given how cowardly those guys can be it’s strange that he loves play fighting so much. Maybe since it’s just a game to him he knows he’s safe and nothing bad can happen?
-~-
Finished brooding, you place your helmet on your head and ready your weapons. The foe you face will be an enemy like none other. No gladiator is meant to win their hundredth battle. To earn your freedom, to earn your life and reclaim it for yourself, you must overcome the Hard to Kill Lizard .
You trot into the arena, eyes looking over the screaming crowd as it bays for blood before locking gazes with Caesar in his Imperial Box, beady eyes gazing down at you.
After this day, it shall be called Already been Killed Lizard !
-~-
“Cheezer!” Gaius peeps loudly, wearing his safety gear and raising one leg up to salute the Charles Entertainment Cheese plushy currently wearing a handtowel as a ‘toga’. “Fwuffies who am gonna foweva sweepies sawutes yu!”
Huh, he actually got that mostly right. Maybe you’ve been watching too many Gladiator movies with him? No, no, that can’t be. There is no such thing as too many gladiator movies. You’re being ridiculous to even think that.
“Release… the beast! ” You announce like an announcing announcerman and hit the switch that results in the gate dropping to release the ‘Bane of Gladiators’. Putting the remote to use you flip it on and urge it forwards as it begins to unleash its battle cry.
“Halt, I am Reptar! Halt, I am Reptar!” The invincible Reptar (with real battle damage effects!) starts to stomp into the arena, head frills catching on the entrance and knocking some of the stuffed animals atop it over before it slides through. Ah, you’d though there would be enough clearance. Maybe the tail pressured it up more?
Gaius puffs out his cheeks, stamps his little hoovsies and widens his stance as his opponent enters the arena. He’s already ‘beaten’ a Zoid’s Saber Tiger and a little remote controller boxer you found at Good Will, so this is the biggest thing you’ve got left for him to ‘beat’.
As he starts kicking at the soft carpeting with a forehoof you try to imagine what’s going on in his little head.
Heh, probably something silly.
-~-
The fallen Spectators scream as the Hard to Kill Lizard makes its entrance, masonry shattering as it explodes into the arena. A titan of a beast it stands as tall as at least three fluffies standing on each others backs. Massive claws sweep through the air, yearning for flesh to part and blood to spill. Each step makes the earth beneath your hooves quake and tremble.
But do you fear? No! No you feel nothing but excitement! Let this be your finest battle ! Let this be the moment you carve into the memory of Roam the day a free fluffy earned his freedom! Drawing in a breath you let out a warcry to match your foe and rush towards one of the armory racks on the side of the arena to arm yourself.
-~-
“Screeeeeeee!” Gaius shows his warface as he roars his challenge to his opponent and then starts to ‘gallop’ towards one of the piles of toys scattered around the arena that he calls ‘awmawies’. The way he pronounces big words always tickles you pink.
Now it’s time to see how he plans to overcome Reptar. You could just rush him down with the remote controlled toy but that wouldn’t be the point of playing Gladiators with him. The point is to give him a ‘good fight’ and make him feel like a big tough guy for ‘winning’.
Gaius grabs… hey, is that one of the little blankets you crocheted him? I mean, yeah, they weren’t the best blankets and they had big gaps between the sections sometimes but you put a lot of effort into making what was basically a woolen doily for him when he was little! Rude. Hurtful.
Oh, you get what he’s using it for now!
Gaius scampers around Reptar, forcing you to turn it in circles to keep facing him as he holds his ‘weapon’ in his teeth. He’s copying a retiarius now, which is only a little hurtful since it implies he sees the blanket as more like a net. You’re gonna boop his snoot so gently for that, that’ll teach him. Little son of a bugjug.
Gaius is juuust fast enough to manage to outstrafe Reptar’s turning and takes that as his que to start closing in. Little hooves stamping away at the ashen carpeting he rushes in and spins as he gets close enough before releasing his net! It sails through the air a great distance (well, more like two body lengths) and lands on Reptar’s slashing arms and starts to get up in his stompy legs.
Gaius sprints to the side as Reptar keeps trying to turn, claws slashing as you use the remote to bend it down to ‘reach’ for him. He pants and cries havoc as he refuses to submit. “Dummeh No-Die-Wizawd-Munstah nu catch Gays!”
Putting all the power he can into his tiny, stumpy legs Gaius ducks under the highly predictable clawing motion of the remote controlled Reptar and gets around behind him. Huffing and puffing, Gaius yells again. “Gonna gif No-Die-Wizawd-Munstah the biggest hurties!”
Then Gaius rears forward on his front legs, and-
-~-
With a powerful roar you throw all of your strength into kicking the Hard to Kill Lizard right in its sensitive parts. Whether it be mare or stallion, it won’t relish such a blow.
With a loud ‘skreeooooooonk’ the force of your blow and your net tying it up sends it crashing forwards onto its face. It squirms, furiously tearing away at your net and trying to free itself, showing you that you have no time to savor the success of your strategy!
You clamber onto the beast, your keen eye having already spotted them. The Hard to Kill Lizard seems invincible, but that invincibility is just an illusion. Some of its wounds have yet to heal, and if you strike them in those places…
With a cry you slam your hooves down on one section of its impossible durable scaley bulk, kicking and stomping on it as you struggle to keep your balance. An old injury, not yet healed by the cracks you spotted between its scales. If you just keep attacking- there!
Glistening red and shining white are exposed to the sky and the carrion birds that circle the arena! You cannot stop here though, there are more injuries to exploit before you can claim victory this day!
-~-
Huh. He noticed the ‘battle damage’ spots on his own. You’d figured you could pop one off for him and let him win if the ‘fight’ started going badly. Instead your little guy came up with an actual plan that he made work to beat something four times his size. Even if this wasn’t a real fight that’s actually pretty damn impressive for a fluffy.
Gaius keeps clambering along the bulk of his opponent, huffing and puffing as he kicks at the break-away points of the down beast and reveals more and more ‘battle scars’ on Reptar. You decide to start slowing Reptars movements, both in order to keep from hurting Gaius and also to play along with how this fantasy is playing out.
Exhausted, Gaius huffs and puffs you worry you might have let him get too excited but he’s not foaming at the mouth so you’re probably fine. He drops down from clinging to Reptar’s side and walks around to the front of the toy, staring it in the eye. Raising a hoof and placing it on Reptar’s plastic head, you can see the deep respect he has for his opponent.
“Sweepies, gweatest munstah. Gweatest munstah wuz bestest foe.” Gaius intones as solemnly as something that sounds like a squeaky toy can. Taking the cue, you turn off Reptar on your remote control and it goes still.
“Reptar slumbers… to rise again! ” Well, at least now Gaius won’t end up tricking himself into thinking he killed a toy and start crying about it.
The arena is silent as Gaius takes a moment to turn in a circle, looking to each stuffed animal circling the pile of building blocks, legos and other bits and bobs you have before staring at Caesar.
“… Ams stuffies not have most funnies!?” Gaius stands up on his back hooves, gesticulating with his front hooves towards the crowd. You subtly kick the soundboard you have near your feet to start the applause and cheers. Despite how the ‘crowed’ is ‘cheering’ for him Gaius keeps his serious face on, staring at Caesar.
You poke the soundbox again and it announces loudly. “Thumbs Down!”
Then you make it cheer again. Gaius smiles brightly and turns to you as you set aside the controller for Reptar. He canters up to the edge of the and places his hooves up against it as he tries to reach you, chattering happily. “Daddeh! Daddeh, Gays did it! Gays won wights un fweedoms!”
Gently, carefully, you pick him up out of the arena and set him down in the normal not Romanesque parts of his safe room and start to undo his ‘gladiator’ uniform. “You sure did Gaius. Daddy’s really proud of you.”
He asks excitedly, helping you remove the pads by kicking them off of his back legs. As you finish taking off the last of his gear he runs up to his favorite stuffed animal ‘Muletilda’ and gives her the biggest hug, like he’d actually just fought for their freedom or something like that. What a silly little dude you have…
“Sure we can.” You pat your brave little guy on his head and pick him up. “But first we’re gonna have dinner. Daddy made Amatriciana tonight!”
As your little champion cheers, you can’t help but reflect on today. You guess at the end of the day, all you could say is that today has been a real victory for Gays Rights.