Author Note:
Summary
This narrativeless story is inspired by the actual Q-anon cult that has been camped out in Dallas, Texas in 2020 waiting for the dead president John F. Kennedy to return and take his place as the second coming of Christ. I wish I was making this shit up.
At the time of writing they have not caused a mass casualty event yet, but its probably coming given they spend their day drinking hydrogen peroxide as well as shoving various chemicals and substances including aquarium bacteria-feed pellets into both of their digestive external orifices. Their leader is a screwball who claims to be not just a prophet but completely God’s representative. They think you need to die and come back to life to be blessed, and idolize the Branch Davidians. They also buy the usual batshit insane things like dino-Jews controlling celebrities and causing the pandemic via satellite.
At the time of writing they have existed only for three weeks. The longer I think of them, the more they seem like a Fluffverse thing than reality, specifically a badly written one since so little about them makes internal sense and feels like a joke being rewritten too many times and stretched into a short story with no narrative. I rushed to write this before they kill themselves and others which would make it in poor taste to have a bit of fun with. It also let me take a break from my Cleveland rewrite.
I know its shit, I just banged it out in two hours to get the idea out of my head.
The year 2049 was a strange year. The Olympics were held one year early due to a severe planning error which was not called out by anyone in the toxic yes-man culture of the organization which ended up making it more financially viable to simply disregard the correct date.
Five Russian warships intentionally crashed at full speed into a harbor in Sydney Australia after being given a land invasion order by an anonymous officer who’s sense of humor was apparently lost on his subordinates.
McLoad’s fast food franchise gave away laminated certificates representing the rescue of a Feral Fluffy as a kids meal toy in the month of July, which Generation A2 treated as fashionable earrings despite many seemingly not being aware what the certificates actually represented.
Glam rap star LI_I ちゅっ (or “Lovechu”) livestreamed his colonoscopy to raise awareness of the dangers of the liquidless diet trends.
Prominent financial investment influencer Kyle Reyes successfully married himself for tax write-off benefits, leading to what is now called the Masturgamous Generation of nouveau riche.
The first Fluffy breed since Anthros was granted human rights and driven into near genetic extinction in a flurry of last minute Abuse attacks before legal protections were formally granted, ironically granting survivors of the miniature holocaust increased rights as a vulnerable minority group.
Pornstar Misha Mallow (real name Henrietta Albright) opened a broadway autobiographical musical which outsold Phantom Of The Opera and Frozen 6 On Ice for two straight weeks.
But the W-alias Cult Of RHFM certainly was a runner for biggest WTF moment of the year.
Started by Lear Arsenio Protoman in 2047 as a response to the resurgence of COVID 46 AKA Butterfly Flu, it combined the many conspiracy theories held by social outcasts and the disenfranchised. The core tenant of the movement was the belief that R.H. Faulkner-Murdoch, Hasbio CEO during the Cleveland Crisis of 2020, was the Messiah and was returning to eradicate all genetically unmodified organisms.
The movement picked up mainstream power when seventh generation Lady Gaga clone Gigi Vee-ai-ai publicly joined and encouraged her fans to do the same. The techno-cellist hosted livestreams with disgraced former urologist Michael Albright, who was arrested and barred from practice in 2042 over his part in a Call Of Duty League nervous system performance doping scandal. Albright touted the supposed medical benefits of the bizarre cults rites under the name Doctor Alright. Said rites included suppositories made up of live wooly Microfluffies soaked thoroughly in witch hazel used as suppositories to “chase out the Pagan ghosts in the body”, as well as a daily regimen consisting of eating foods made by companies who has endorsed their brand of far-center extremism. These foods primarily consisted of deep fried soy and squidmeat-based snack alternatives, which was seen as nourishing because of the “positive kudo properties” produced by the supposed “capitalist ki force”. Prayers to Saint Dolly the Sheep were preceded and followed by drinking a shot glass of jewelry polish. Their most extreme practice was surgically inserting a skinless Fluffy Foal under the skin, usually the underarms or shoulderblades to simulate angelic wing nubs, which would supposedly trigger an evolution from Homo Sapiens to Homo Superior following the theory that it was the anatomical equivalent of introducing a denatured virus to the immune system via inoculation. The belief that painkillers caused seemingly everything bad in human experience from depression to mental defects to the French Revolution as well as the idea that only blue beach glass could safely cut the body without harming the soul made these insane practices far worse than they otherwise should have been. Many of these beliefs stem from incorrect understandings or misapplication of science, for example the idea that humanity could absorb the rapid evolution of Fluffies via grafting without regards for if it was actually the Chan breeds which were known for mutations and progenitors of new variants or were from the clone-like Booru lineages. Others from old instincts like xenophobia, perhaps seem most evidently in the full-body tattooing of one’s skin into colors and wave patterns representing their place of origin which was seen as a removal of themselves from the “old humanity” as the rightful inheritors of the Earth. Children and families were usually abandoned rather than brought into the cult, stemming from the self-centered philosophical basis.
RHFMers camped in both public and private property in Atlanta leading to frequent arrests over trespassing, belligerence, indecent exposure, public defecation, and assault. The RHMF motto was that public attention was spreading their positive kudo magic which would resurrect R.H. Faulkner-Murdoch riding a winged giraffe-dragon animal called a Kirin from eastern mythology whereupon he would cause all disease to only affect life with natural genetics. Lab Brat advocacy groups sought to distance themselves from the inevitable fallout by association, which was helped by several targeted domestic terrorist attacks made by RHFMers against Lab Brat events and political figures.
Throughout the year, in typical cult fashion, a date of the return of R.H. Faulkner-Murdoch was promised, passed without incident, and rescheduled. LA Protoman’s rhetoric grew increasingly rage-filled anddire as he felt more and more humiliated. A schism split in December when he began preaching the supposed enlightenment that temporary physical death brought. Meanwhile Gigi had left the country and began to preach in the European Republic as if she had founded the cult and began taking it in the direction of politics. Due to involvement of particularly litigious and vocal wings of the Know Nothing Else party that caucused with the Libertarians, particularly senator Robby Kotick along with severe budget cuts to the FBI, law enforcement largely ignored the movement despite the severe warning signs.
The disaster that Protoman unleashed after visions seen during what was believed to be an intentionally triggered stroke hardly needs to be described. The hundreds of thousands of American children orphaned that day can more than attest to it. According to surveys 2/3 of Americans at the time knew someone that perished in that tragic month in 2050. The influence of that day is still being felt at home as the merging of disparate conspiracy theories by Protoman is doctrine to modern W-alias personalities, including the belief that the casualties were merely taken by Faulkner-Murdoch to live on a colony on the moon Europa and any negative stories from the day are asexual Quebecian propaganda. Gigi Vee-ai-ai and her genedaughter Gigi Vee-ai-ai-ai reformed the movement into the Church Of Tri-fatal Negatives which GGVIII leads to this day. It gained prominence when it was adopted as the state religion in Lithuania and counts many of the worlds top elites in its ranks, though allegedly most treat it as a kind of social club rather than an active religion.