“Hello internet, its me again, Soothe Criminal, here to provide some legal advice and counsel designed to take a load off your mind that I’m obligated to say is neither actually legal advice or counsel nor guaranteed to make your life any easier.
Todays subject is a frequently requested topic on Patrone and the Touyube comments section alike. ‘What are the laws surrounding Fluffies?’ Usually phrased differently.
Well, I’m sorry to say that the reason I and other internet unofficial lawyers and professors do not cover the topic is it is heavily specific to your area, especially the public perception of the things where you live and love and litigate. As I like to say a perfect judge is impartial, a good judge tries to be impartial, the average judge tries to look impartial.
That said I can offer you some quick legal guidelines, totally not solicited advice mind you, regardless of whether you love them or hate them.
The first thing to keep in mind is to check your local laws and ordinances. Fluffies are usually classified as nonliving organic property in most states and nations, but exceptions exist in every state of the US per local city or county ordinances and some states have begun reclassifying them as animals or as something different entirely, such as the state of Maine and the legal and discriminatory implications of labeling genetically engineered life as ‘organic machines’ pending US Supreme Court review, all of which I have a video on which should appear in the bottom right hand corner of your screen now.
By the way, you may need to pause this video and take a breather, maybe listen to some music, if certain words start losing all meaning because some themes will pop up frequently for Fluffies. If you need help deciding what to listen to, try the sponsor of this video, Crit Sheek streaming internet radio. Subscribe today with the code SCFLUFFBRIEF to get sixty percent off your sign-up fee and help support this channel.
Generally speaking, Fluffies are always property and subject to all property laws. If in doubt, imagine the Fluffy is an action figure or a small animal that is not a dog or cat, and that may answer any questions you may have.
Now lets look at some examples of Fluffy legal statuses. In the micro nation the Utah Republic Of God you will find that Fluffies are considered toxic materials, meaning they are illegal to own and are disposed of immediately by isolation and hazmat teams, though in the actual US state of Utah they are classified as modified rodents and are generally just treated like pets or feral mice. The actual justification given in the URG text is their sinful soulless nature, but that’s just the fluff rather than the legal bones or meat, no pun intended. I will say that a few more times most likely so just be aware at no point is it a pun. Now, actual enforcement of URG law is often is spotty due to the yearly peaks and valleys in their civic funding due to their lets say chaotic tax system, as well as legal conflicts with the greater Utah. Generally a URG Fluffy will just be met with a foot and a garbage bag.
By contrast in California, Oregon, Washington, and Hawaii a Fluffy can actually be submitted for a test to verify sapience and if passed can be granted a basic set of rights as what is called a Disabled Demiperson, subject to the same rules, protections, as well as aid that severely mentally handicapped persons receive in that state, which of course bodes better for Fluffies in the north than paradise or Pasadena. Upon passing this test the Fluffy, or any nonhuman for that matter, can then take further tests to establish themselves as a Disabled Person, an Artificial Citizen, and finally a naturalized Citizen. These rules only apply in those states and not on the federal or international level which means crossing regional borders temporarily reverts them back to being whatever they normally are. Technically Fluffies can request this, but without legal mechanisms in place to provide free counsel or aid in filling out paperwork it falls to humans to find Fluffies and other AIs/biotoys smart enough to prove they are people basically. For the record I checked and only Anthro descendants of Barbara Annes have ever been granted citizenship, I could not find any evidence of a Fluffy earning higher than Disabled Person though I’m not claiming it never happened and if you know of a case then please put it in the comments section.
On that note, Fluffies can only be Fluffies. They can be descended from third party knockoffs but in cases where you can prove a Fluffy-like thing is descended from mixing with a real animal or a non-Fluffy biotoy, or just convince a judge, then they become whatever the other half is legally. If there is no sufficient proof to present then ‘it it looks like a Fluffy and sounds like a Fluffy’ is an actual legal qualification.
In some states there is what is known as an ‘unclaimed luxury’ law where objects of a certain valuation are considered to never not be owned. Because Fluffies are considered as ‘possibly valuable’ due to their initial value upon introduction to the world which is when many of those laws in our tragically dated legal systems were written as well as the value some Fluffies have today due to rarity, then any Fluffy on the street and any adoption without paperwork is technically the property of the governing body. This falls under what I like to call ‘investigative skeleton keys’ which for new viewers, who I would like to thank and welcome for giving this video a view, is when something innocuous and often not illegal gives law enforcement varying degrees of justification to basically do whatever they want from search your home to bring you into the station in handcuffs plus whatever else they can argue is justified like performing a cavity search or shooting you. So I really recommend anyone looking to adopt a Fluffy, no matter how temporarily, to do something basic that involves any level of the government and has a notes section in the paperwork like signing it up as an emotional support animal. Once its in the system its for lawyers and bureaucrats to decide, before that its up to law enforcement.
Unclaimed luxury laws do more than just give cops legal right to ruin your life too, often being clarified under other ordinances that they enjoy status where you are required to reimburse the local government for damage dealt to it, but also shielding the government from any damages you may wish to sue for. So if a Herd tears up your lawn and you kill them all then try to sue the government you may not only have the case dismissed but end up being countersued and likely losing the case for damaging government property, which without what the court considers trustworthy evidence will default to around $150 an adult and $120 a Foal, and its up to the judge whether any evidence is trustworthy since a video or the actual bodies can be argued as fake. Some judges have admitted to using these laws to make up for shortfalls in government funding, and its totally okay for them to do that. Again, documentation and evidence is always key. While I don’t advocate for trying to get away with potential crimes, if you need to disappear a Herd I would say the best way to do it is quietly in your home before disposing of all evidence in a clever way or by quickly setting up your yard to look like they’re just your Fluffies. The worst would be displaying the bodies, which generally isn’t a helpful sign Fluffies take to stay away and instead signals to government officials that you may be a source of free money.
Pay attention to local environmental laws as well, since often if it is legally an object rather than lifeform in your area it will partially fall under outdated laws regarding organic objects that produce waste. This may result in every single thing connected to a Fluffy from excrement to corpses other than the actual living Fluffies being considered highly dangerous and toxic and legally requiring certified biohazard disposal. While that sounds scary, its important to note that biohazard disposal is very spottily regulated across the board and in some cases can be cheaper dealing with Fluffy waste than putting it in the garbage. That said in some cases Fluffy biosolids are classed on par with snake venom, blood containing transmissible disease, and toxins such as ricin and arsenic. Again, skeleton key laws and judges having the leeway to make up for a gap in tax revenue shortfalls out of your finances. That said, in some places deregulation or regulated permissions mean Fluffy waste is not considered biohazardous waste at all and can be disposed of in any matter you like that is not public littering. Once more for the people in the back, check your local laws.
Now, for the next bit of info I want you to think about if you ever took something that wasn’t yours, but also wasn’t anyone else’s. Penny off the ground? Couch with a ‘free’ sign on it? Second can of pop fell in the soda machine? Legally you claimed it unless someone can prove you stole their property. But that puts you on the hook for what happens to it, if you drink that pop and drop the can next to the machine, take the couch back because you don’t want it, or scrape gum off your shoe with the penny and flick it onto the ground then congratulations: you’re a litterbug, which can mean anything from a cop telling you to pick up the can to a court appearance. That applies for Fluffies, even for you Abusers out there. There’s vagueness regarding your legal responsibility if you kick a Fluffy that is begging from you and touches you unsolicited, but in all places I’ve checked the moment you pick one up, give them a name, or call them over to you they are now your property and whatever you do next is your fault, from shoving a firecracker into one of its orifices to saving it from starvation and leaving. This is actually the main cause of Abuser legal troubles since many tend to get a bit, lets say self-righteous, about it and argue with cops resulting in them arguing with judges resulting in a blank check for what the judge feels like doing that day. If you interact with Ferals be prepared to take them home after you clean up their mess by hand on the street including blood and whatever mess their nest consists of including the feces along with any other nearby corpses, and possibly on top of all that pay a fine. Unless dealing with a particular individual you want and/or want to hurt or rescuing them I always recommend just going straight to the shelter. You can even call the shelter on the Herd or Clan you want and begin the the paperwork over the phone before they even dispatch someone to collect them. Adoption fees are almost always lower than the fines you may face unless you spot one that is rare and expensive and the shelter actually prices them instead of selling at the cost of the paperwork and cleaning. Again, I do not recommend ever interacting with a Feral just to avoid all the legal nonsense because even if you get away with it nine times out of ten that final time will cause you serious headaches.
In terms of claiming lost or runaway Fluffies local laws apply, almost always treating them as pets or nonliving property, though not necessarily based on if they are actually legally pets or objects otherwise since ownership of Domestics is sometimes given priority over, lets say ‘pest control’ efforts, while in other places the moment its loose you may as well be looking for a quarter that fell out of your purse or pocket. In the former cases the owner retains ownership so long as they have proof they continued to search for them, meaning online records or documentation and testimony of them leaving descriptions at shelters or with people who walk the streets like mailmen. The second party can counteract this with proof of their own that they tried to find the owner, about two to six months being sufficient in most places. It should be noted that the Fluffy may or may not be able to be used as evidence in some places, since many breeds remember their past names and owners and the ones that do not via dialogue can be forced to recall by applying direct electrical stimulation to the Programming Bulb via surgery. The payment for the cost of the surgery generally falls on the losing party, so anyone on the fence about keeping their find may want to just evaluate it financially. The process of claiming Fluffies where the Lost And Found laws consider them nonpet property are usually along the same lines, just more likely to factor in the testimony of the Fluffy ironically in higher value cases though still tilted more towards the second party as the case is far more likely to be decided by police unless high financial value is demonstrated and they kick it up to small claims court. During the process of determining ownership the current holder of the Fluffy is considered responsible for its care, and even their accidental self-induced death may result in immediate fees paid to the alleged owner for the Fluffy’s value as well as fines for wasting the time of law enforcement or a court via act of gross disrespect. The second party also becomes financially responsible for loss of value due to damage, even damage sustained during their time ownerless, with the highest damages being reproductive harm such as castration or damage to the female reproductive organs both internal and external, which can even surpass the actual value of the Fluffy itself meaning you may end up paying $40 for a Fluffy that is literally worthless, or double the value of a $10000 breed. So again, unless the Feral has high value, I advise you to leave them be. Even if it is unlikely to happen to you, its almost guaranteed that it will happen to someone who is watching this video, and you can’t watch my future uploads if you can’t afford internet.
On that note we have a new shirt and pin in the merch store, a cute little lawyer Fluffy, which is available down below and all older products are on sale with 15% off using the code ‘FLUFFLAW15’, link on screen and down below.
Now on the topic of ‘Abusecution’ and ‘Hugboxacaust’ claims it is in fact true that law enforcement do have a lot of leeway in sticking things to you that you were not involved in if you have a known persona relating to Fluffies. Mills have to take into account the risk of being blamed for Herd migrations, Abusers can be held liable for any livestock near you dying because they ate a decaying Fluffy corpse in the grass, Hugboxers can be accused of being the cause of spikes in Feral population. In simple terms if you are known as the local Fluffy guy, you get Fluffy crap on you. That’s just how it is. The future existence of Fluffies were not taken into account when laws regarding environmental safety, littering, ecological harassment, and animal poisoning were written, and if you are in fact someone who attached their name and address to their hobby then you may as well be the only company handling radium in town when the local school playground starts glowing at night. You will be subject to reasonable searches and scrutiny, may be forced to produce documents you may not have, be summoned to appear in court from time to time, and will likely not do your real life reputation any favors. While its unlikely you will face consequences unless you actually did commit a crime and they manage to find enough evidence to overcome the burden of proof, it can still be a thorn in your side that you just have to live with for potentially years. So stay anonymous when you can unless you are a business with excellent bookkeeping and legal representation or a simple pet owner of a small Herd with receipts such as vet trips to prove responsibility so you can move for a judge to expedite a case or get an outright dismissal.
Again, loose definition of what a fluffy actually is legally means the entire creature can be considered a brick of poison, bio hazardous waste, feral wildlife, a tradable commodity, or simple trash, and none of those are mutually exclusive. There is in fact the case of Leopiscus V South Florida, which is before it was renamed the Florida Islands, where the act of feeding a neighbor’s Fluffy for the weekend that later escaped, bred into the Ferals which had a mass population explosion and die-off that resulted in the extinction via out-competition of local amphibious Fluffy breeds with protected animal status due to luring tourists every year as well as the deaths of numerous farm pigs from contaminated waterways. Leopiscus Jones, real name Joanne Marchelle, was in and out of court for the better part of a decade as the politics of the moment resulted in a desire to make a public example out of her case. Which would not have happened had she not livestreamed so much of her life that there was numerous examples of her interacting with Fluffies in both helpful and culling capacities.
As a quick side note, it doesn’t matter if you lace it with sedative or poison, if feeding Fluffies is a crime in a jurisdiction then unless there are specific exceptions provided, which I am not aware of any such law having, then feeding a Fluffy is a crime. If it drops dead in seconds you still fed it, if you bring it straight to a shelter to adopt then you still fed it. Its possible in most cases to get permits allowing you to conduct activities like pacification or culling, though the specifics differ from place to place, so always check in advance. Likewise, planting things intended for Fluffies or even that they can access may constitute a crime. That Feral Herd that demolished your flowerbed not only can get you in trouble for destroying them, but for providing Feral Fluffies with sustenance or luring wildlife even if they broke into your yard to do it. Its still legally negligence on your part that caused the situation. Even having ground level parsley, which is grown due to its poisonous effect on Fluffies, can work like a skeleton key law that we’ve already discussed.
Side note to that side note, we live in a world of genetically manipulated creatures. Some public schools have curriculum relating to Fluffies, but for the most part its on you to educate yourself on the law regarding which human-shaped biotoys you can legally marry and which are considered bestiality to have relations with, what licenses you need to have for interactions, and so on. I have a link to resources down below in the description including the helpful biotoylaw.com where you can enter your zip code and get an up to date list of regulations that apply to you and links to the sites of relevant agencies. I highly encourage literally everyone to check this out, so many headaches can be solved just by being aware of the law. Or don’t, and keep lawyers like yours truly in work outside Touyube.
Now this next one should be obvious, but noise ordinances are a thing. So is the general idea of not thinking you are above the law. A Fluffy screaming, shouting, giggling, crying, whatever power tools you have running, they’re all subject to the same laws as any other kind of noise. I don’t care how much fun you’re having running Fluffies through a circular saw at night when there’s nothing to see and all they hear is screams of their Herd disappearing one by one with a visceral noise they associate with that thing you showed them briefly sawing a toy in half during the daylight hours, you’re still running a loud power tool in your yard at two o’clock in the morning through five in the morning punctuated by the sounds of around forty toddlers at maximum excitement. When the cops show up don’t make it worse by giving them a line about doing the community a service and demand to talk to their superior. Especially don’t start throwing Fluffy parts at the one trying to calm down the survivors, regardless of what you think of Hugboxers. By the way, in case it wasn’t obvious, I’m saying that Purgethefluffckers12 is absolutely going to be found guilty no matter what he claims about defending his property as a one-man militia. Seriously, they got him on body cam footage, they could have shot him and gotten a commendation for it.
Another bit of stating the obvious, even if a Fluffy dies its still arson to light uncontrolled fires, whether its an Pillow’d Fluffy in the middle of an alley with a fire extinguisher ready or a county-destroying wildfire starting from the amazingly stupid choice to use homemade white phosphorus on a Domestic Herd in a neighbor’s backyard. You’re still a murderer if something you do to a Fluffy causes human deaths. For the love of god, be aware that uploading evidence of a crime online is exactly what it is.
Just in general, I want everyone watching this video to please say out loud ‘its still arson’ right now. ‘Its still arson’. Say it with me, ‘it. Is. Still. Arson.’ Now apply that logic, maybe say that out loud again, before you engage in Fluffy violence of any kind.
While continuing tackling the obvious seen in recent cases trending on social media, assault using a Fluffy is still assault. Feces and blood are still biological contaminants no matter the source. ‘Foaling’ and ‘Mumming’ is in fact you committing an act of assault with organic material, filming it, and putting it online. There is no place or context where that is okay, and local laws may count it as animal cruelty or as damaging to mental health and open you up to an even worse penalties including some pretty pricey lawsuits.
On that note, decency laws. They are a thing. Hugboxers and free range breeders, your Fluffies rutting in a way that is visible and/or audible is still publicly exhibiting sexual acts. In some places your Fluffy relieving itself is illegal too, particularly certain exceptionally Hugboxy enclaves that treat them more like human-adjacent life. There are also more conservative places requiring you to hide the genitals of your Fluffy when an animal with their bits out would be fine, since Fluffies can be seen as toys and a Fluffy male can be seen as running around in public with a naked anatomically correct doll. Nullification, a surgery where external genitals are removed leaving only a hidden hole for urination, is necessary unless you cover them up with enclosed Fluffy clothing or even a diaper of some kind. That does extend to the udder teats of females as well, cover them or get them a mastectomy. Needless to say its a bad idea to walk any breeders outside a closed off yard in such places.
My last bit of advice in this video is one I and my colleagues have been having to say a lot lately: cops letting you off one time does not mean it was not illegal. It does not mean they can’t turn around and prosecute you later, especially if you admit to doing something before when being busted a second time. Laws change, warnings are exactly what it sounds like, police don’t have to show you leeway because one of their own did. Challenge charges in court, not in person. Show respect, you don’t have to say or explain your disagreement.
Well that’s all the time I have for Fluffies today, hopefully forever, so lets get on with the promotion. When I want a nice suit, preferably not made from Fluffy leather, I shop with Doochbig Brothers clothiers. The suits I’ve been wearing for the last several videos were all purchased with vouchers they sent me along with this generous sponsorship, which actually began six months ago but I had to take advantage of their convenient service to send back any ill-fitting pieces free of charge to get retailored. Just send those Doochbigs your self-measurements and select colors then wait a month for an expertly AI-tailored article of clothing in the style you selected. Once again that’s a pair of Doochbigs who are happy to make you a pair of trousers, a formal shirt, even their newest item in bulk which is ‘cruelty’ ‘free’ Foalskin socks. Sign up today with the code Soothcrim50 to get 0.50% off your first order and help support the channel.
Well, that’s all for today. Please like and subscribe, and see you in the next video!”